“What’s that?”
“That I wish things could have been different. I wish I could have loved you.”
Could have
. But didn’t. Got the message loud and clear. “Okay.”
He exhaled as if he’d been holding his breath. “I should probably take a shower.”
“Okay.” He left and I sagged against the washer.
“Is Ryan here?” Creature poked his head into the room. He and Jason had been playing outside for the last hour.
“He went to take a shower.”
“Cool.”
“When he gets out, I’m leaving for work, okay?”
“Okay,” he said in a dismissive tone and ran back outside.
I sighed and pulled my uniform from the hanger to lay it across the dryer. Nudging the laundry door closed with my foot, I stripped to my bra and panties and reached for the short blue dress. The door swung open and Ryan was there in his jeans and no shirt. His eyes swept over me and I caught the hunger in them before he looked at the washer. “My watch was in my pocket.”
“Oh.” I spun around and lifted the lid. Leaning into the washer, I fished out the sopping material and ran my hand into the pocket to grasp the watch. I held the wet offering out to Ryan. His hand closed over it and my fingers. I wiggled my hand free and picked up my uniform. “I have to leave.” I turned around and slid the dress over my head, shimmying the stretchy material down over my hips. When I reached around my back to work up the zipper, Ryan brushed my hands aside and zipped it up.
I faced him, mouth dry, heart beating fast. “Thanks.”
“You’ll need my keys.”
I dropped my eyes to his jeans and then jerked my gaze away. He didn’t go for his keys. Holding out my hand, I raised an eyebrow and said, “Unless you’d like me to dig them out?”
He dropped them into my hand. “The Charger has a lot of power. Are you sure you can handle it?”
I smiled. “I handled its owner didn’t I?”
Ryan smiled back. “Yeah, you did.”
“Then I’d say I’m good.” Electricity charged around us and if I didn’t know better, didn’t know that Ryan thought we were a mistake, I’d think that he did care more than he let on. Which was crazy. He wasn’t interested in loving me.
*
RYAN
Mark and I played video games until he got bored and wanted to go outside and play with some of the neighborhood kids. I took his bike out of the garage, pumped up the tire and told him not to ride too far. He hopped onto the bike and started to pedal off when I saw the helmet lying near where the bike had been.
“Hey, wait. Put that on.”
He looked at it, then at me. “I don’t have to wear it.”
“Does your mom usually make you wear it?”
He hesitated, then shook his head. “She says it’s up to me.”
“Bullshit. Put the helmet on.”
He stomped away from the bike, grabbed the helmet and smashed it onto his head. “I look stupid and the other kids make fun of me when I wear it.”
“Ignore the little shits and just ride your bike.”
He swung his leg over and started pedaling down the driveway. I sat on the porch steps to keep an eye on him and saw Juvante’s car turn onto the street. He blew the horn to get the kids to move out of the way and then swung into the driveway.
He watched Mark ride up the street. “Look at you playing daddy.”
“Better playing than being one.”
“That was just a rumor. Alexa’s not pregnant.”
“She’s what? The third rumor this year?”
“Just talk. They all want a piece of Juvante.” He laughed as he sat beside me. “The bets are in for the fight. You’re going against Bobby Perez. He’s 20-3. Take him out and you’re looking to bring in a little over three grand.”
I nodded, then stood up and yelled at Mark to get the hell out of the road when cars were coming. When I sat back down, Juvante shook his head. “Never thought I’d see the day my brother would get neutered.”
“Shut up. I need you to line up the fights back to back. At least one or two a day for the next week.”
“Back to back? What’s the rush? You’ve got time.”
“No, I don’t. Chanos had photos. Mama Leena. Destiny. Tana. He even had one of Ms. Shaw in the hospital.” The memory burned in me. “Once I’m jumped in, it might take me a few days to heal up.”
Juvante scrubbed a hand down his face. “Yeah and you can’t fight like that. Alright. When are you getting jumped?”
“Saturday. That gives me a week to get Tana’s money back to her.”
He rubbed his ear. “I’ll make it happen.”
“Thanks.”
“Mama Leena finds out you’re back in, the gang ass kicking won’t be your only one.”
“I don’t have a choice. Either I belong to Chanos or I risk Tana’s life.”
“And because you love her, you’ll do it.”
I looked at the ground, tired of fighting it, tired of denying it. “She can’t ever know that.”
“I won’t say anything.” Juvante nodded, then scowled. “Where’s the Charger?”
“She drove it to work.”
“Man, that
must
be love. You don’t let anyone touch that car.” He slapped my shoulder. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” When he reached his car, he said, “You never know. Maybe you’ll get lucky and Chanos will get hit by lightning.”
“Maybe something good like that would happen. We both know what a charmed life I’ve led.”
“This is all Clarke and Roman’s fault. If being an idiot was a sin, their dumb asses would have to move into the confessional.”
“What’s done is done.” I stood so I could see the road. A car zipped past. “Mark!”
He pedaled toward me and parked his bike behind Juvante’s car. “What?”
“You have to stay on the sidewalk.”
Mark took his helmet off and looked at Juvante. “Can I drive your car?”
“Nah little man, my car’s too big to be on the sidewalk.” He tapped the hood. “I’ll pick you up tomorrow for the fight.”
“What fight?” Mark asked.
Chapter Twenty-One
TANA
As I drove home after work, I was reminded why I wasn’t thrilled with the later shift on certain days. There were always those middle-aged men, stopping in for a drink before heading home, looking for more than just a beverage. With stomachs lopping over their belts they thought I’d be thrilled to give up my phone number. Lucky me.
I turned into the driveway of the house and waited for a few seconds, trying to gather my resolution, my self-promise to keep my emotional distance from Ryan. Soon, hopefully, Mom would be home from the hospital and my life would go back to the way it was before the shooting. One where I didn’t see Ryan every day. Didn’t have to be tempted to say words he didn’t want to hear.
Gathering my purse and apron, I locked the Charger and went to the porch. The door swung open and Mark, already clean and in his pajamas said, “Me and Ryan are going to get the food.”
I smoothed his damp hair back from his forehead and leaned down to press a kiss there. “Make sure you get sweet and sour chicken for me.”
“’K.” He wiggled his fingers at Ryan. “C’mon.”
I locked up after them and went to my bedroom to grab some clean clothes. The information packet from Bayside College was open and the sheets in disarray. The amount of tuition I owed was circled. I didn’t remember doing that. I should probably call them. The third week of August all the money had to be in for classes starting the first week of September. There was no way I was going to have enough money. Since Shelby and I planned to room together, I’d have to let her know too. But I was too wiped out to deal with it right now. I’d deal with it tomorrow. I grabbed my clothes and went to take a shower. By the time I was finished, Ryan and Mark were back.
I took some cups from the cabinet and set them on the table while Ryan grabbed the plates. Mark opened one of the containers and dumped some fortune cookies on the table. He put one in front of each of us like he used to do when we’d get Chinese takeout and eat it with Mom. My eyes stung at the memory and I blinked back the tears.
He picked his up, I took mine and we both looked at Ryan.
“What?”
“We’re supposed to open them together and read them out loud,” Mark said. A little of the eagerness went out of his expression. “We always did it with Mom,” he said softly.
Ryan picked up his fortune cookie. “I’m on it.”
“Ready?” I looked at Mark and when he nodded, I said, “Go!” The one to get their fortune out first was the winner.
Mark waved his slip of paper in the air. “Something wonderful will happen.” He folded the paper and tucked it beside his plate, then looked at me.
“Follow your dreams,” I read aloud.
“Your turn,” Mark said.
“The early bird gets the worm,” Ryan said and started to put the fortune in his pocket.
I grabbed it from him. “It doesn’t say that.” My smile faded as I read it to myself.
Love
is not easy, but worth it.
I handed the slip back and reached for a box. There were so many questions I could ask Ryan about why he didn’t want to share that fortune, but I didn’t. I was pretty sure the answer that I was looking for wouldn’t be there. “Did you remember the sauce this time, Creature?”
We ate and when we were almost through with the meal, Mark said, “Ryan is going to a fight.”
“What?” I lowered my fork.
“Juvante said he’d pick Ryan up for a fight tomorrow.”
“A fight.” I looked at Ryan.
His eyes darkened. “It’s not what you think.”
Mark scooted his chair back. “Can I watch TV?”
“Read a book or something,” I said, still staring at Ryan.
“I read them all.”
“Then reread one. You know Mom has TV limits.”
“But—”
“Creature, I need to talk to Ryan.”
Without another word, but with a long suffering sigh, Mark left the kitchen.
“A fight is the reason why you can’t come to the hospital with me? You’d rather go beat the hell out of someone? For what reason?”
He scowled. “Did I miss the part where you became my girlfriend?”
“Oh, you think I don’t have the right to question what you’re doing? You’re around Mark. I have to look out for him. That makes anything you’re involved in that could hurt him my business.”
A muscle in Ryan’s jaw worked. “Do you think I’d do anything that would hurt him?”
“Would you?”
Ryan slid the chair away from the table and picked up his plate. He dumped the scraps into the garbage and set the plate into the sink. With his back to me, he said, “How could you even ask me that?”
“Because...because you have a history and it’s not a good one.”
He turned around and the look on his face made me regret my words. “I never said I had a good past and I never promised I was your prince fucking charming.”
I moved to join him. “No, you never said you had a good past, but you never said how bad it was either. When I asked you before to tell me that your past was over, you didn’t answer me. Why are you going to fight? Is it something to do with your past?”
“I’m going to bed.” Ryan walked past me.
“Ryan!”
He stopped but wouldn’t look at me.
“If you’re doing something wrong you can’t stay here.”
He faced me and his lips twisted up in a mocking smile, so handsome it hurt to look at him. “Define wrong.”
*
RYAN
Two o’clock in the morning and I was still wide awake. The argument with Tana kept playing over and over in my mind. After I’d said to define wrong, she’d gone off on me. Unloading everything she’d thought but had never said until now. She was pissed at me and afraid for me.
I would never be free of my past and now that I was going to do a U-turn right back toward it, Tana was right to be scared. Because that’s what I’d seen in her eyes. Fear. The kind of fear that hadn’t been there before her mother had been hurt.
The bedroom door opened and light from the hallway slanted across the bed. Tana hovered in the doorway. “Ryan? Are you awake?”
I eased up onto one elbow. “What do you want?”
She came into the room. “I’m sorry for what I said in the kitchen. I know that you’d never do anything to hurt any of us.” The bed dipped when she sat beside me.
I lay back down and linked my fingers behind my head to stare up at the ceiling. I sucked in a breath when she put her hand on my bare chest.
“You’ve pulled away from me ever since—”
I didn’t want to look at her, didn’t want to have to fight the tug-of-war going on inside of me. “It’s better this way.”
“It feels like everything is changing and I’m losing my best friend and I’m scared.” She leaned closer, so close that the warmth of her breath fanned across the side of my face. “I need you to hold me. I need you. I know it makes me sound weak and pathetic and...don’t make me beg for the comfort of being held.”
Like they had a will of their own, my arms lowered and wrapped around Tana. One second we were staring at each other in the dim light shed by the open door and the next, she was lying across me and we were kissing. I was a thief taking comfort and pleasure from someone I had no right to touch. But Tana Shaw was the one addiction I’d always crave. I’d have to die to stop wanting her, to stop needing her.
She roamed my body with her hands and I didn’t have the will to push her away. Not this time. One more time, I promised myself. One final time. Her hands were eager on me, searing my flesh, laying claim to skin she didn’t know she already owned. She kissed the side of my neck, the width of my shoulders and trailed kisses down the center of my chest. Dipping lower and lower until she put her mouth on the waistband of my boxers.
“Tana—”
“I want you this way, but you’ll have to teach me.” Her hands dipped into my boxers, lowering them and she reached in to cup my raging erection. She dipped her face down and ran her tongue along the side of me, stopping at the head to gently suck on the side of it.
Oh shit.
“Like this?” She pulled me into her mouth and I almost pulled a charley horse in my thigh because my muscles clenched so hard. When her hand squeezed my balls, I couldn’t form a coherent word. I could only take a few seconds of her giving me pleasure before I had to stop her. I grabbed her arms and hauled her up the length of my body, shifting and rolling her over until we were side by side. I wanted to tell her that I loved her, that I always would, but it would only make the inevitable parting harder. Instead of words, I used my lips and my hands to show her what I’d never be able to say.