Authors: Emma Hart
“The zoo?” Roxy turns to face me slowly, playing with her plait over her shoulder.
I kill the engine and grin at her. “What’s wrong with the zoo?”
“Nothing is wrong with it. I’m just surprised.”
“What? You think I don’t like the zoo? I loved it when we were kids.”
“Hey, I never said that.” She slams the car door as she gets out. “Don’t twist my not-said words.”
I laugh and wrap my arm around her shoulders. “I’m messin’ with you, Rox.”
“Mhmmm.” She tries for annoyed but it’s ruined by her arm sliding around my waist.
I pay the entry fee for us both and Roxy opens the map. Her brow furrows as her eyes scan the bit of paper, and I grin.
“Here.” I point to the yellow arrow labelled Entrance and Exit.
“I knew that.” Roxy flips the map round.
“Sure you did.” I pull her into my side and lead her along the path in the Great Northwest section. “I can’t believe you don’t know your way round here after all this time.”
“You realize we’ve seen a lot of these in the wild, right?” She looks up at me, ignoring my last words.
“So?”
“I’m just saying.”
“Shush,” I say into her hair. “Can we have one day without arguing?”
“Fine,” she fake huffs and mumbles, “As long as we go the penguins after this.”
I turn my face away and smile. Of course we’d see the penguins. Zoo trips used to be one of our summer things every year – we’d all go together. We lost Roxy more than once only to find her at the penguins.
“Where’s Roxy?” Myra had looked around frantically, panic in her eyes.
“Penguins,” Cam and I deadpanned in unison.
Myra sighed. “Of course she is. One of these days, I’m gonna set up a flamin’ ice rink in our yard so she can have a pet penguin.”
“What about the water?” Cam asked.
“Yeah, they need to swim,” I added.
“Dudes gotta eat,” we both said with a nod.
Mom rolled her eyes. “She was kidding, boys.”
“Damn,” I muttered.
“Hey, Mom, Dad? Since we’re not getting Roxy a penguin because you were
joking,
any chance of a lion instead?” Cam asked hopefully.
“Pushing it, son,” Ray chuckled.
“That sucks!”
I ran round the corner to the penguin enclosure, ignoring my mom telling me to wait, and smiled at an eleven year old Roxy. She was standing against the glass, her hands pressed against it, and her face a vision of wonder as she watched them swimming around.
We walk through the Northwest section, dodging shouting kids on summer break, and as we enter Pacific Shores section I let Roxy lead me past the polar bears.
It’s okay. I didn’t want to see them anyway.
She skips out of my hold toward the penguins and presses her body against the glass window. Her hands are flat against the glass, her face almost touching it, and her head moves side to side as she watches the penguins swim and roll underwater. She’s more excited than the kids around her, and a smile creeps onto my face as I watch her.
Such a child.
The kids squeal in excitement when a penguins swims right up against the glass, and Roxy laughs. A real laugh. One I’ve barely heard from her.
I come up behind her as the group of children and their parents move on. My hands rest on her hips and I press a kiss to her bare neck. She turns her face into me and grins.
“I love penguins.”
“I know.” I laugh. “You’d stay here all day if I’d let you.”
A penguin comes up to the glass and taps where her hand is with its beak. Roxy moves her hand along the glass, and the penguin follows it. It breaks the surface of water and drops back under, splashing us over the top of the glass. Roxy squirms at the cold water, pushing her back against me, and I wrap my arms around her stomach. I watch her as she plays with the penguin on the glass, smiling, happy, carefree.
This is the Roxy I know. This is my Roxy.
“I think I’d like to work with penguins,” she says softly, her head tilted to one side, her hand still moving on the glass. “Or for them. Conservation or something. Maybe even be a zoo vet, you know? Could you even imagine getting close to these animals? It would be amazing.”
“What would you have to do to do that?”
“I don’t know. Major in biological science, I guess.” She drops her hand.
“Why don’t you do it?”
She shrugs. “Too late this year, isn’t it?”
“So apply for next year.”
“Where though?”
“Berkeley.”
“With you?” She turns and raises her eyebrows. I shrug.
“Or UCLA. There’s loads in California.”
“Dunno.” Roxy starts to walk. I let her waist go and grab her hand instead. “I have time to think about it. I’ll do some research over the summer. See the best courses. Maybe I’ll go Miami with Iz.”
Fuck that. She’s not going to Miami.
I need to find a way to convince her to come to California with me. Pronto.
We wander around the zoo casually until lunchtime when we go to the BearWalk Café and order lunch. She plays with the cutlery in front of her until the clinking drives me crazy.
“What are you thinking, Rox?” I touch her fingers.
She looks at her hand, her eyes full of sadness, and sighs. “I’m thinking this is the first time I’ve ever been here without Cam.”
She’s right. For both of us.
“Feels weird, huh?” My voice is quiet.
“Yeah.” She laughs quietly. “Remember when we saw the monkeys and he tried to be one in the play area? I think I was like seven. He watched them climbing from tree to tree and wanted to be one. He shoved a banana in his mouth and tried to move along the monkey bars…”
“…Then he fell down and choked on the banana,” I finish, my own lips curving. “It wasn’t funny at the time, but when I think about it now, he looked like a right idiot.”
“I was always surprised you didn’t copy him.”
“Hey, I was an idiot, but I wasn’t a stupid one. That move was always going to end in tears.”
“Yeah well, it made me laugh.”
I slide my fingers between hers and squeeze her hand. “And Cam lived for nothing if not to make you laugh.”
Roxy smiles sadly at the truth of my words. Their relationship was so unconventional. I think I’ve only ever heard them argue one or twice – in comparison to Iz and I doing that every week.
“Yeah. He always had the answer to everything, didn’t he?” Her eyes drift up to mine. “He knew everything. It scared me sometimes, you know. Makes me wonder if he knew about everything that would happen after he died.”
“Maybe,” I reply, holding her gaze steadily. “Maybe he wanted it to happen.”
She blinks slowly. “Maybe.”
~
“Okay, you’ve been in a shitfuck of a mood since we left Portland. What’s wrong, Rox?” I throw my arms to the sides and stare at her back.
She’s been a little down since lunch, and I get that after our conversation, but ever since we got back in my car she’s all but ignored me. She hasn’t touched me, hasn’t laughed, hasn’t spoken, hasn’t done anything except look out the goddamn window at god only knows what.
This time, I haven’t even done anything. Which makes a change.
Roxy pulls the band from her hair and combs her fingers through the braid, releasing it in a cascade of black waves that fall down her back.
“What is this?” she asks into the gentle breeze.
“What’s what?”
“This.” She turns to face me and pauses. “…Us.”
I tilt my head to one side. “I don’t get what you’re asking.”
“This!” She repeats, throwing her arms up. “Everything. I don’t even know how to describe it. The last couple of weeks, the other night… Today. What is this?”
Ah. I get it.
I walk to her and run my fingers through her hair, pushing it away from her face. “This is a relationship.”
My lips twitch at the way her eyes widen slightly.
“What? You still didn’t believe me when I said I cared?”
She doesn’t answer.
“I more than care, Rox. Get that, will you? “This,” as you describe it, is us. You and me.” My hands frame her face and hers settle on top of mine. I bend my head toward her and brush my lips across hers.
“Why? Don’t you have anyone back in Cali waiting for you?”
I laugh.
“What’s so funny?” she demands.
“The fact you’re only asking me this after we’ve had sex.”
Her mouth opens and closes before she speaks. “Shut up. Do you?”
“No. There hasn’t been anyone at college. There’s only you. Always you.” I run my thumb across her lips. “Shouldn’t I be asking you that question?”
“No one,” she replies instantly. “Not since you got back.”
“Why?”
She raises her eyes to mine, curls her face into one of my hands, and whispers, “Only you. Always you.”
I pull her into my chest. She wraps her arms around me, and her face buries into the side of my neck. She shudders. Her fingers splay out on my back, and I kiss her hair.
“He wouldn’t mind.” My words are spoken into her hair. “He told me once if you had to be with anyone, he’d rather it be with me.”
Roxy holds me even tighter. “If I have to be with anyone, I’d rather it be with you, too.”
“So stop.”
She pulls away slightly. I hold her jaw gently.
“The drinking. All that shit… Stop it, Rox. You don’t need it.”
Her eyes drop to the floor. “It’s hard. I’ve tried before. It’s just… there. It helps me forget it hurts. Makes it better. Sometimes I even forget he’s died, and for a few blissful moments it’s all okay. It’s hard to say no when an escape is dangled in front of you.”
“I’ll be your escape. Not the drinking.” No other guys goes without saying. I’d like to see another guy try it. This girl has branded herself into my skin and my heart in a way I never saw coming. “Just me. I’ll be your escape when you feel like you’ve got nowhere to run to. I’ll be your hideout when it feels like everyone is watching you, and I’ll be your rock when you feel like everything around you is crumbling.”
“I’ll try. I can just try. I can’t promise you any more than that.” Her blue eyes are shining when she looks back up, and I nod. She reaches up and wraps a hand around my neck and pulls my face down. Her lips touch mine firmly, like she’s sealing the promise with this kiss. “Thank you,” she whispers against my mouth, releasing me. She sits on the ground in front of me and looks out at the gorge.
“For what?” I drop down next to her.
“For today. I felt like the old Roxy again.” She turns her gaze to mine. “I feel like the old Roxy whenever I’m around you.”
“She’s my favorite,” I admit. “So I do things to make you feel like her. That’s the Roxy I know. My Roxy.”
Her lips twist at the corners. “Your Roxy?”
I leap at her and push her back onto the ground. My eyes meet hers. “Didn’t I make that clear?”
She shakes her head, amusement dancing in her eyes. “Not. At. All.”
“C’mere.” I press and hold my lips on hers. My arm snakes around her waist and her fingers sink into my hair as I flick my tongue against her mouth. I can taste the lingering traces of the candy she was eating around the zoo on her lips. I kiss her deeply, sweeping my tongue along hers and around her mouth in an attempt to make her as lightheaded as she makes me.
“Mmkay,” she mutters when I pull away. “It’s clear. I think.”
“My. Roxy.” I punctuate the words with more kisses. “Okay?”
She nods slowly and smiles. “Your. Roxy.”
I wipe down the table the twins just left with a smile on my face. The smile that’s been there since yesterday.
“Where’ve you been hiding?” Iz asks as she leads Selena into the empty café.
I grin and walk back to the counter. “Everywhere and nowhere.”
Selena narrows her eyes. “Where did you disappear to on Saturday night? And why did Kyle disappear at the same time?”
Iz looks at her. “The same time?”
They both turn to me. “Oooooooh.”
“Seriously?” I put a hand on my hip. “We were talking.”
“The language of luh-
urve
.” Selena slides onto the stool in front of the counter as Iz giggles.
“How old are you two?” I raise my eyebrows.
“Come on,” she whines. “Spill it!”
“Ew. Brother.” Iz winces. “Not too much spilling.”
“Says the one I caught making out with my cousin.”
I almost drop the glass I’m holding and gape at Iz. “You what?”
“I might have kissed Si a little.”
Oh, now she looks out the window.
“A little?”
“Okay, okay! A lot. For a long time. Whatever.” She waves her hands. “This isn’t the point. The point is how successful was your “talk” with Kyle?”
I smile and look down. “I’m going to be vague and go with very.”
“’Kay. No more.” Iz puts her fingers in her ears. Selena grins, and I shrug.
No one needs to know any more than that. Saturday night belongs to me and Kyle. It’s so much more than just one night.
“But I’m kinda pissed, because it looks like I missed something pretty damn interesting.”
“Me kissing Si is not interesting in the least.”
Selena looks at me. “Kissing is an understatement. They were as close to sexytimes as someone can be with clothes on.”
“Hey, you can have sex with clothes on, y’know,” Iz interjects.
I raise my eyebrows. “And you’ve done this?”
Her lips curve. “The guy didn’t look the prettiest under the shirt, okay? But he could kiss like hell so I thought I’d give him a chance.”
“And?” I lean forward.
Iz whistles. “It was so fucking worth that chance.”
“Right. And Si?”
She holds a hand up. “Drunk.”
“Off three drinks?” Selena questions.
“Three very strong drinks,” she protests. “Give me a break, girls. I’m allowed to kiss a guy.”
“Iz, the way you were kissing him very nearly became indecent exposure.”
I raise my eyebrows.
“Well, wouldn’t that have given the oldies a shock?” Iz laughs and turns to me. “Where did you go, anyway?”
“Somewhere exposure wouldn’t be indecent.” I wipe the counter. “In fact, it was positively decent.”
“I think I’m going to be sick.”
~
I sit on my hands. This is near impossible.
Verity Point is so out of the way there’s no other towns for miles – just the odd farm – so there’s plenty of places to hold outside parties and bonfires and shit.
Tonight it’s a bonfire.
Tonight I’m surrounded by alcohol and I can’t touch a drop.
It’s harder than I thought. This is another thing that doesn’t feel right without Cam. Nothing feels right without him.
I can’t keep using him as an excuse.
No. It’s not an excuse. It’s the truth. Drinking makes me forget he’s not here. Sitting away from everyone drinking makes it hurt a little less – as if I can simply pretend he’s somewhere with the guys. As if I can pretend he wasn’t never here. Wishful thinking will be the death of me one day.
A body sits behind me and legs stretch to either side of me. I turn my face into Kyle’s and grip my thighs tighter. He runs his hands down my arms and finds my hands. His fingers link through mine and pry them from my legs, settling them around my waist. I squeeze his hands and curl into him as much as our position will allow.
“Everyone’s looking at us,” he whispers in my ear. Amusement laces his tone.
“What? Have they never seen two people in a relationship before?” I reply loudly.
“Course we have,” Olly shouts from somewhere. “We’re just not used to the girl being a slut.”
Fucker.
“Big words from the boy who never got lucky with his little dick.”
Everyone laughs around us, but it’s Kyle I’m focused on. His whole body is tight, his grip on me about to break my fingers.
“You know I’m about to go and break his arm, don’t you?”
I shake my head. “Can’t hit him for being right,” I say sadly.
“Rox…”
“No. He’s right. I was. I’m not afraid to admit that. Olly’s just pissed off because I never let him get any.”
“Then how do you know about the size of his dick?”
My lips curve into a smile. “He has small hands.”
Kyle lifts our hands and opens his. His fingers stretch out and his hand is twice the size of mine. He nods. “Hm.”
I laugh silently. He drops my hand and turns me in his arms so I’m facing him. His free hand slides through my hair, and brown eyes find mine in the faint light of the fire.
“All the same, the next guy that talks to you that way is gonna find himself in a hell of a lot of pain.”
I run my thumb across his jaw. “I can handle these assholes, you know.”
“I know,” he murmurs, moving his face closer to mine. “But I’m afraid they can’t handle you.”
“Can you? Handle me?”
“I can handle you and then some, Roxanne. Do you need a reminder?”
“You’ll need to do some handling if you call me Roxanne again.”
He kisses me and grins against my mouth. “You know I’ll remember that, right?”
“Why wouldn’t you?” I roll my eyes.
Kyle laughs, and it shakes my whole body. I smile and snuggle in closer to him, and his arm snakes round my body even tighter. For a moment, I forget Cam isn’t here. I forget it hurts. I forget everything except Kyle.
Sitting here with him now feels crazy. Being with him is like a dream and I’m afraid he’ll slip through my fingers if I don’t hold on tight enough. I’m afraid one day I’ll pinch myself and wake up and realize this whole thing has been another girly swoon in my own mind.
“How do you feel?”
His words pull me back to reality.
“In other words, do I want a drink?” I mumble into his chest.
He hesitates.
“Yes. I do.”
“Why?”
“Is this an episode of Dr. Phil?”
“Hey.” He pokes my side. “Don’t shut me out. If you feel like shit I wanna know.”
I take a deep breath. “I’m waiting for Cam to appear and rip it out of you, or for the two of you to play some prank on one of the dicks over there.” I nod to the corner. “I’m waiting for something that isn’t going to happen.”
He whispers something under his breath and holds me tighter. I squeeze my eyes closed. My heart hurts – like really hurts. It clenches with every beat, and my stomach tightens as a sliver of pain travels through my body, taking all of me over. My eyes burn and my bottom lip quivers. Shit.
Is this grieving? Proper grieving? It must be. This must be what I’ve hidden for so long. What I’ve been running from. What I’ve refused to accept.
Grief is waking up every morning with a spark of hope only for that spark to be put out and replaced with a heavy heart. It’s holding onto memories and wishing for new ones. Grief is watching the door and watching for that person to walk through again, its listening for their voice in a silence you know will never be broken, and its waiting for them to come running round a corner they’ll never turn.
And grief is the slow breaking of your heart every time you realize they’re never coming back.
“Don’t forget, Roxy.” Kyle kisses my head and whispers in my ear, “Remember with me.”
“I can’t.” My eyes fill with those tears.
“You can.” His fingers stroke my hair. “Let’s go.”
“Where to?”
“Where no one can find us.” He stands and pulls me up with him.
“The gorge?”
“Exactly.”
His strong arm goes around my body and twists me into him. I slide my arms around his waist, trying to ignore the eyes I can feel burning into our backs. The urge to turn and say something is so strong. But that’s something the new Roxy would do. I’m the old Roxy. I think.
It hits me like a punch to the stomach.
I don’t know who I am.
I don’t know who I should be or who I think I should be. I’ll never be the person I was, but I don’t know who I will be, either.
I really am lost.
“I’m gonna take three guesses where they’re going!” Olly hollers across the field.
Before I can open my mouth, Kyle yells back, “You’re gonna need more than that. You gotta know what to do with a girl before you can guess right, Olly!”
I snort and bury my face into Kyle’s side. Again, everyone laughs, and I feel like turning and showing him the smug grin spreading across my face.
“I had two choices.” Kyle shrugs and we head up the path leading to the gorge. “I either punched him or made him look like an absolute dick in front of the girl he’s been trying to impress all night.”
I bite my bottom lip. “The latter was definitely funnier.”
“Glad you think so.” He squeezes me.
We’re silent for the rest of the walk to the spot he found with Cam. I’m certain this is my new favorite place. The seclusion combined with nature’s sounds makes it somewhere that shouldn’t exist.
It reminds me there’s perfection amidst heartbreak and despair.
I step away from Kyle and walk to the edge of the small stream rushing through. The orangey light from the almost-set sun creeps through the trunks of the trees on the other side, and dusk hangs over us. I know if I look up I’ll see the stars faintly twinkling and the moon hanging in the sky, bathing the area around it in a bright white light.
“The first time me and Cam found this place we walked the length of this stream. It stems from the mountains – further up than we went the first time I brought you here. There’s a tiny fall and water pools at the bottom of it. I was busy thinking how nice it was, but not Cam. No, he decided that pool would be the perfect place to throw you in.”
I glance over my shoulder. “What did you say?”
Kyle stuffs his hands in his pockets and shrugs a shoulder. “I told him to wait because there was probably a bigger pool of water we hadn’t found yet.”
“Bastards,” I mutter fondly. “You two have always been out to get me.”
“It was kind of his prerogative as your big brother.”
“Yeah? What was your excuse?”
“I think I wanted you to like me.” He grins.
A small laugh leaves me. “Obviously it worked.” I run my hand down the trunk of the tree next to me, feeling the rough bark against my fingers. “He used to steal my diary every now and then. He thinks I didn’t know but I did.”
“I didn’t know that.”
Thank God.
“How else do you think he knew exactly when and where to find me when I started dating?” I turn to face him. “He found out from my diary until I started a second one to throw him off the trail.”
Kyle laughs. “He thought he’d scared everyone off.”
“Nah, Cam wasn’t that scary.”
Wasn’t. Wasn’t.
“I hate saying that.”
“Saying that?”
“Wasn’t. Talking about him like he’s not here. I know he’s not, but it doesn’t seem normal.” I look down and Kyle walks up to me.
“You really haven’t talked about him to anyone except me, have you?”
I shake my head. “Would you? Would you talk about Iz if it was her?”
He stops and thinks, like it’s the first time this has occurred to him. “No,” he says slowly. “I don’t think I could.”
“It hurts to think about him as if he’s not here. He hasn’t really gone anywhere, you know? He’s still here in Verity Point. He’s in every corner we turn and in every doorway we walk through. His idiocy lives in our minds and the tricks you guys played are all over town. But him… He’s still in our hearts. He’ll never go. He’s not
here,
but he is. That makes no sense, I know, but only his body is dead. Everything else about him is still alive. I have to keep him alive somehow. I can’t face being without him.”