The Hatter is Mad: An Urban Fantasy Novel (The Lillim Callina Chronicles Book 2) (7 page)

“Bert? Hey, Bert? Bert?” Caleb called across the room. It happened so suddenly, it threw me completely off guard. The noise at the other table abated and one man with black hair, pale yellowish skin, and beady eyes looked over at us. Even from here I could make out the sweat stains on the grey t-shirt under his flannel. It made me think less of him, which was saying something since I was pretty much in ‘please don’t touch me’ mode already.

“What is it? I'm trying to drink,” Bert said, raising a glass full of amber liquid to emphasize his point. The man’s voice was deeper and raspier than I expected. It was like hearing someone try to talk through steel wool.

“I need to ask you about Ajax,” Caleb replied, standing up and pushing in his barstool.

“Listen, I’d love to chat, but not when I drink,” Bert responded before turning back to his buddies and ignoring us.

Caleb ran a hand through his short blond hair. His maroon shirt stretched tightly across his chest, revealing the lines of muscle that stretched between his jeans and the hem of his shirt. Heat rushed to my face.

I’ve seen guys do this trick before, where they moved in such a way as to reveal their six-pack or bulging biceps. Unfortunately, I didn’t think Caleb was doing this on purpose. Well, maybe he was, but if he was, was the show for me?

The bartender snorted, and I glanced at him. His smirk told me he’d caught me staring at Caleb. My cheeks turned even brighter red, and I shielded my face with my arm. My movement must have startled Caleb because he twisted toward me with a confused look on his face.

“What’s up?” he asked. His voice was quiet, as though he didn’t want anyone else to hear.

Since I wasn’t about to admit to staring at his body, I was left with no option, I shoved him off of his barstool. Caleb stumbled forward as I leapt to my feet and shoved him toward Bert.

“What in God’s name do you think you’re doing?” Caleb yelled, glaring at me. Clearly, all of our actions toward each other were going to be hostile. This was something I could deal with. Hostile was right in my wheelhouse. You might say I’ve perfected that course heading.

“Getting to the bottom of this,” I replied with a smirk. Bert glanced back at us and seemed to think watching a five-foot-nothing girl push a six-foot-plus Caleb across the bar to be hilarious. “What do you know and how does it pertain to me?” I asked Bert.

“Well… I know lots of things, and I’m sure most of them could pertain to you… if you like,” he replied, and the gleam in his eye made me feel like a caged bird being eyed by a hungry cat. What was with the creep count of this bar? I mean it wasn’t like I was dressed up or anything. I was wearing a black t-shirt and jeans under a blue overcoat that didn’t exactly hug my curves.

“Oh? What might that be?” I asked in my best sultry voice as I smiled seductively and took a step closer to Bert.

Bert stared at me stunned, mirroring Caleb’s reaction. All at once, a leer broke out on his face, and as he reached one sweaty hand toward me, I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and slammed him face first into the table. Beer mugs and pretzels went flying. He’d definitely been drinking for a while and probably didn’t expect little old me to smash his two-hundred-fifty pound ass into the table. I put my face right next to his and the sour stink of beer and sweat made my stomach clench.

“You have one second to tell me about Ajax. Or else I’m going to do things to you you’ll wish I hadn’t. It will only be enjoyable for one of us. Here’s a hint, it won’t be you,” I said with a smile that bared my teeth.

Bert glanced from me to Caleb. Real fear was evident in his eyes as he struggled to move, his blue jean-clad legs kicking back and forth. He was no match for my magic-fueled strength. I could totally keep holding him down for the next two or three minutes. Maybe longer if someone got me a sandwich.

“Caleb, help me!” Bert rasped, his face pressed against the table as he spoke.

Caleb glanced from Bert to me and back again before shrugging. “Bitch be crazy,” he said.

Oh no he didn’t. I barely controlled the urge to beat Caleb over the head with Bert.

“W-what do you want to know?” Bert squealed, voice was tinged with fear, like a man who had pissed off a dog and gotten snapped at.

“I want to know where Ajax is. You know, the head honcho around here. I know you know who I’m talking about,” I said as Bert started to whimper.

“I don’t know who that is,” Bert squealed.

“No, no, no. Don’t lie or my girl here will get all kinds of rough with you. And trust me when I say she likes to get rough. It will be a very wild ride for you and something tells me you won’t like it nearly as much as I do,” Caleb said, his teeth flashing under the pink lighting so that it looked like his mouth was full of blood.

Yup, I was sure of it. I was going to shoot Caleb in the face with my shotgun. No judge in the world would convict me either.

“If I tell you, he’ll kill me,” Bert whined.

“Maybe you ought to be a bit more worried about her?” Caleb inquired innocently. I suddenly found it extremely odd that no one else said or did anything. That was when I realized we were the only three left in the building. Had everyone else snuck out when I started kicking ass and asking questions? That was not something that boded well. I did not like being all alone in a strange bar holding down a strange man. Well, I guess I wasn’t all alone since, technically, Caleb was with me, but he didn’t count.

Something rippled beneath Bert’s stained flannel. It was almost like there was a whole bunch of salmon trying to swim upstream… under his flesh. His hand shot out and smacked me square in the face. Warm blood trickled down my lips as I careened backward and slammed into another table. It collapsed under me, and I hit the ground in a heap. I tried to roll onto my hands and knees, but it was all I could do not to cough up my lungs.

An inhuman shriek split the air. I turned to see an emaciated skeletal creature clad in Bert’s ugly red flannel and jeans stalking toward me. Flames the color of a fire engine smoldered where his eyes should have been. Giant bone-clad wings furled and unfurled themselves on his back.

“So how is your ‘speeding this thing along’ thing going?” Caleb called. That’s when I realized he was sitting in the booth with a grin on his face. “I know you take after your mother and all, but has it ever occurred to you that you may not want to pick a fight with everything first and ask questions later?”

I wanted to reach out and punch him in his stupid face. I didn’t do it, mostly because I was too busy scrambling backward across the floor as Bert lumbered toward me. With each step he took, he gained speed. By the time he slammed into me it would be like being hit by a bus.

So I did the only logical thing I could think of… I got a bigger fly swatter. I yanked the double barrel shotgun from beneath my overcoat and fired into the rampaging skeleton-creature. The buckshot slapped into him with a dull thud. Bits of bone and debris exploded out his back and smacked against the wall. Bert almost slowed for a second. There were two holes in his ribs the size of baseballs and Bert, bless his heart, did little more than shake his head to reorient himself.

“That didn’t seem to work very well. Maybe you should try something else?” Caleb offered. His ‘tips’ were really starting to annoy me.

“I’m sure this gun will work just fine on you if you don’t shut your mouth!” I growled and got to my feet, shoving the shotgun into my coat. I spread my hands wide and drew upon my power. It rushed into me like warm heat sliding along my body. I ran forward and slammed my palm into Bert’s face before he could regain his momentum.

“White Sparrow!” I cried.

My power surged out of me in a rush that left me a little weak in the knees. White fire erupted from the sky, splintering the ceiling and setting the bar ablaze as it smashed down around Bert like a tube of super-heated death. I stepped back and took a deep breath. My heart was racing. I hadn’t meant to throw quite that much power out. This was happening a little too often lately. My power was starting to get harder and harder to control. I noticed it with little things at first. Accidently breaking a door knob or a window when I shut it.

This time though, I used an attack spell and nearly threw all my magic out in one blast. I shook my head and reloaded my shotgun. It helped me calm down. If I could be calm, I could control my power a little better. I glanced up to see Bert fall to the floor in a smoking heap. Well he didn’t die, and that was good… I guess.

“Lucy, you got some ‘splainin’ to do,” I said as I turned and pointed my shotgun at Caleb. It was more of a casual pointing rather than a real threat, to be honest. Which, yes, I know, is horrible gun protocol. Fear flashed across Caleb’s eyes just for a moment, but I noticed it. Evidently, my little display of power wasn’t lost on him either. Swell.

“Now, now,” he said, holding his hands out in front of him. “No need to get crazy.”

“But this bitch ‘be crazy,’ remember?” I asked, narrowing my eyes at him. “What was it you said again?”

Caleb started to say something as Bert reverted to his human form, but I didn’t catch it. I wasn’t sure what Bert was but reverting to human form probably meant he was done being a jerk-face for a while. Very slowly, Bert got to his hands and knees and began to crawl away, which really wasn’t a bad idea given that the damn bar was on fire. This is why I need primo fire insurance. Recently, it was starting to seem like everywhere I went caught fire. Then again, fire killed most things. Coincidence?

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t finish this conversation with a bang,” I said as I sauntered over to Bert and put the shotgun under his chin. “I’m willing to bet my gun will have a more lasting effect when you’re not in uber-gross form.”

“Because I’m about to give you mad good company for the price of leaving me the hell alone.” Bert coughed, and when bits of phlegm landed on my gun, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath so that I wouldn’t blow him into tiny pieces.

Caleb walked over and snapped his fingers. The flames that had spread across the bar went out with a quiet hiss. Stupid Caleb and his stupid fire mastery. I was really going to have to learn that trick. My insurance would drop by half, I bet.

“So,” Caleb said, kneeling down close to Bert. “Why don’t you make like a good lackey and let your boss know we’re here.”

Chapter 12

Ajax smiled, his lips curling disproportionally to the rest of his face as he settled into the black leather couch in his rather spacious office. He was wearing one of those black department store suits with a black tie and undershirt. I guess all black was his thing.

He threw his head back and began cackling. It made me want to smack him. He reached up and pulled off his black emo-glasses before putting one hand on his knee, struggling to catch his breath. He wiped his eyes with the back of his other hand and tried to take a deep breath.

I was less than amused. Leave it to Caleb to let me do all the heavy lifting and step in at the last minute to take credit for everything. Now we were at Ajax’s, and I wondered if Ajax could also turn all Johnny Blaze like the fat drunk from the bar. Part of me hoped I wouldn’t find out. It wasn’t that I was scared or anything but getting into short, painful squabbles wasn’t exactly the best way to make progress with the whole finding the Blue Prince thing we were supposed to be doing.

“I. Can’t. Believe. You. Did. That. You actually set the bar on fire and shot Bert,” Ajax said, barely containing his laughter long enough to speak. “I’d heard you were spunky, but this takes the cake.”

I closed my eyes and tried to take a deep breath. I wasn’t going to start another fight.

“Yes, anyway, that pretty much leaves us with trying to find the Blue Prince in your town,” Caleb repeated for the third time in the conversation, sparing a glance at me that suggested he was aware of the length of my fuse and was doing his best to hurry this along.

“The Blue Prince isn’t that hard to find. He’s all about depression and sadness. Just go find a coffee shop with someone reading sappy poetry and crying,” Ajax replied with smirk.

I shook my head and sighed. “The Blue Prince kidnapped my friend Melanie. I think we all know that doesn’t mean happy fun time. So unless you have some way of helping us that doesn’t involve a wild goose chase through hipster coffee shops, I don’t see what use you are,” I growled, glaring at Ajax and to his credit, he didn’t squirm. He steepled his hands and looked past me at Caleb.

“Caleb,” I said, turning toward him. “We need some progress making and now. We know the Blue Prince is crazy. That’s not news. What we need to know is where he is and why a giant, car-flinging orc tried to kill me. We do not need to be standing around with Johnny Blaze chatting about the morning paper.” I glanced at Ajax. “No offense, by the way.”

“None taken.”

“Lillim, we have to go about this rationally—” Caleb started, but I cut him off.

“Rational to whom?” I screamed at him. “This makes no damn sense. No damn sense! We’re at the corner of Podunk and nowhere, trying to find the Blue Prince. And let’s say Ajax says ‘go here to find the Blue Prince’ and we go there and he is
actually
there. Then what? Then what, Caleb?”

“Then you can beat him up for killing your hedgehog and kidnapping your friend?” Caleb ventured. He seemed unsure of what he was supposed to say.

“Wha? I just… you just don’t even care…” I said. I took a step toward him and punched his chest. His eyes got wide as he looked down at the spot where I hit him. His mouth opened, but before he could say anything. I turned and stomped out of the room. Caleb followed me into the hallway, and I whirled on him, poking him in the chest with my finger.

“I…” My words trailed off, sticking in my throat as I slumped down to my knees. I was suddenly very tired. “I just want to know why you left me. This whole antagonistic bullshit isn’t working for me.”

Caleb took a step backward and glanced around the tiny hallway. A small sigh escaped Caleb as he knelt next to me and took my hand in his before speaking. “I guess we never really talked, huh?”