Authors: Kendall Ryan
Some of the photos, Brent and I had taken together, a few I took of myself and texted to him while we were dating. “I didn’t know how to bring it up,” I say.
“You have a fucking sex tape, Avery!” He throws his hands up in the air. “These are things you mention.” He punches the wall. “Goddamn it!”
His fist leaves a dent in the drywall, and I stifle the urge to go to him and inspect his hand. I figured it was only a matter of time before Jase found out, but I never imagined he’d actually see it. Of course, Marcy probably pulled it up on her phone.
My
stomach cramps and I think I might actually be sick.
“Do your dads know?”
Jase’s voice is low and controlled, like he’s barely holding back his anger.
“Of course not
. They’d shit a brick.”
“Yeah, imagine how I feel.”
I meet his eyes. “How do you feel?” Even if his next words crush me, I need to know.
“I was falling
for you, Avery.”
All the oxygen leaves the room.
“Was?”
“Was.
Am. Fuck I don’t know.” His voice is raspy and weak, slashing away at my heart. His hands tear angrily through his hair, leaving it standing on end.
S
omething vital for my survival has been ripped from my body. Something I didn’t even know I had, and now can’t fathom living without.
I tuck
my chin to my chest. “It wasn’t a sex tape.”
Brent and his best friend had created a slideshow of all the images both he and I had taken. The end product looped like a video, lasting several minutes.
“Close enough. There were parts of you that I’ve never even seen exposed for the whole world to appreciate.” The vacant quality of his voice, the hurt in his eyes is so real, I feel it in the pit of my stomach.
“I’m sorry…I’m sorry I ever took those
pictures. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you…”
“
Me too. You’re not who I thought you were,” he says simply.
I hate the dejected tone of his voice.
Seething anger, screaming, yelling would be better than this defeated tone.
“Don’t you think I wish I could take this back?
I would if I could,” I whisper.
His eyes flick up to mine
, devoid of all the warmth I used to feel from those beautiful baby blues. “I wish you could, too.” He turns his back and the tension in his shoulders tells me our conversation is done. And worse.
W
e are done too.
Jase
“Stacia, quit!” I chuckle, unable to stop myself, because it turns out after about ten beers, the tight feeling in my chest becomes numb. And my equally drunk ex-girlfriend is a distraction I can’t seem to turn down. She’s on the couch next to me, trying to tickle me. I forgot how grabby she gets after a few drinks.
Stacia removes her hands from under my shirt and bites her lip. The practiced look of seduction on her face is familiar and comforting.
It would be so easy to fall back into things with her, even if it’s not what I really want. But my brain is tired of trying to work through what I had with Avery, and how I feel now. I wish I could un-see those images and go back to not knowing, but that’s not possible. At first I was pissed at Stacia for thrusting that girl’s phone in my face and showing me my innocent, sweet Avery being anything but sweet, or innocent. But after I got done cursing and punched the wall a couple of times, I knew Stacia wasn’t the one I was mad at.
The party
around us has died down significantly, and there are just a few of us left – the guys that live here and their hookups. I know Stacia is waiting patiently tonight to see if she’ll have a shot with me, and honestly, I don’t know. I haven’t even decided yet. Which probably means my dick will decide for me later. And since he’s easily fooled by Stacia, I have a feeling I know what’ll happen.
Avery and I were never official, and after the way her past was thrown into my face like that… I don’t owe her anything. She left the other day without saying anything else, though what could she say after I saw numerous pictures of her with another guy’s junk in her mouth
? God, I hate that this side of her even existed. The urge to hit something again spikes inside me, just as Stacia leans closer.
“Take me upstairs,” she whispers.
I push the images from my head and curl my fingers around Stacia’s, needing something warm and familiar to grasp onto. “Come on.”
* * *
I lie in bed, waiting for Stacia to return from the bathroom, wondering what the fuck I’m doing. When she appears in the doorway and saunters toward my bed, I curse the lamp on my dresser currently lighting the room. This would be easier if I didn’t have to look at her, because my mind won’t stop comparing her to Avery. Avery’s soft auburn hair, those wide green eyes.
When Stacia
straddles my lap, I let my eyes slip closed. And when she leans down to kiss me, I fight to turn off my brain. Yet it’s impossible not to notice that her mouth doesn’t fit against mine like Avery’s, that she smells different, that she wears too much perfume.
“Wait.” I break
the kiss and Stacia opens her eyes. “Go turn off the lights.”
She frowns. “You never used to want the lights off.”
“I know, but I do now.”
She bites her cheek, her mind working, but she dutifully climbs from my lap and crosses the room to switch off the lamp.
Once the room is lit by just the dim moonlight, she saunters back toward me, removing her shirt and bra before she reaches the bed. The familiarity of her should comfort me, but my mind is reeling.
She rubs a manicured hand against my uninterested cock. “Just relax, Jase. Let me take care of this tonight.”
I don’t want her. But would it be so bad to do this? To let her try and make me forget the girl I really wanted? Stacia knows we aren’t together. We’ve been down this road before. It won’t change anything between us. Stacia’s fingers fumble with my belt buckle and I close my eyes again, fighting to make myself relax.
Avery
I hate how alone I feel with
out Jase. We haven’t spoken since that heated exchange in his room after he found out about my past. I know I shouldn’t have, but a tiny piece of me was hoping that he’d be okay with it. Well, not
okay
, but maybe more understanding. I guess he isn’t who I thought he was, either. It was stupid to think he could be the one to save me. I’d learned long ago to rely on myself and not put too much stock in others. They just let me down in the end anyway.
I
can’t change my past. And as much as I wish I could, I can’t track down every person who downloaded that degrading photo collage. The only thing I can control is what I do next.
Realizing it’
s time to deal with my identity issues and face my past once and for all, I open my laptop and log into my email account. I debate over creating a generic email address that can’t be linked to me, but in the end, I want my birthmom to know my name, to know who I am.
I
type what I had intended to be a brief message, but it turns out when you’re emailing your mom for the first time, there’s a lot to say. I tell her about my dads, how I had a great childhood, and that I am in college now. I tell her about my roommate and our crazy gay friend, Noah, who likes to borrow our clothes. I spill my heart out in my note, hoping she’ll laugh when she reads it and understand that I am a normal, happy girl. Or heck, maybe I’m just trying to prove to myself that I really am; either way, I hit send before I change my mind and delete it all.
Madison
returns from class a short time later, dropping her bag to the floor and turning to face me with a concerned expression. “Hey…How are you?” The sympathy in her eyes is new.
“Um, fine I guess.”
She crosses the room and hugs me, pulling me firmly into her arms.
Uh-oh
. Madison is not a hugger.
“What’s wrong?”
I ask, wrapping one arm awkwardly around her back.
“We need to talk.
” She pulls back suddenly, her hands resting against my shoulders. “Jase stopped me after class today.”
Oh.
Crap.
“A
nd?”
“And he told me.
Everything.”
My heart sinks.
Madison continues, “At first he was coy, asking me about your dating background, your experience with guys.” She let out a nervous chuckle. “I basically told him you wouldn’t know what to do if a cock slapped you upside the head. But he informed me I was wrong. At first, I was proud, but then he explained about the pictures your ex used to exploit you, and I’m so sorry, Avery, I had no idea. Now I feel terrible that I always tried to get you to break out of your shell. I thought you were just a little shy – not scarred from a traumatic event.”
“
It’s okay, Madison. I just don’t really tell people about it. But I am okay.”
“Really?”
Her brow wrinkles in concern.
I
shrug. “I’m trying to deal. It’s not like I have a choice. And I don’t want to hide under a rock anymore.”
Her smile
grows, pushing her mouth upwards. “Good, hun. That’s good.” She gives my hand a squeeze “I’m here for you.”
“Thanks,
Mads.” I shouldn’t care, but I do, and I can’t resist probing for information on Jase. “So what was Jase’s mood like?”
Madison’s smile falls.
“He seemed sad, worried about you, but mostly sad. He wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
“Oh.” I
don’t know what this means, or how to process this information. It isn’t like he calls me anymore, or even sits near me in our shared class. I can’t control Jase’s response to learning about my past. The only things I can do is move forward, and pray that everything works out like it’s supposed to.
Jase
Removing Stacia from my bed and my life again is a bigger pain in the ass than I was expecting. We’re not dating and we’re not together, but she seems to have blocked out that information. Ever since the drunken night where we messed around and passed out in my bed, she’s been coming over every day. Today, I’ve got to put an end to that. Even if I wasn’t still plagued by memories of Avery, I know I don’t want Stacia.
When Stacia arrives, I make
sure I’m waiting for her downstairs. I don’t want her getting cozy up in my room.
She’s all smiles when she comes in and tosses her purse on the couch
.
“We need to talk,” I say.
Her face falls and she tenses up.
She can tell by my stiff posture
things aren’t going to go her way. “Sorry Stacia, I’m just not feeling it,” I mutter, rubbing a hand over the back of my neck.
“You seemed to be
feeling it
just fine when you were in my mouth last weekend.”
Christ.
She snatches the purse she’s just deposited on the couch. “You know what, Jase? Don’t waste your breath. I’m done with your shit.”
“I’m sorry, okay
?”
She rolls her eyes and stomps to the door, which I pull open for her.
“I’ve been sleeping with Trey anyway,” she adds before slamming the door in my face.
Nice.
I turn the lock on the door as if to prove a point. Stacia is done invading my life. That chapter is closed.
As for Avery…I’m not sure yet.
Avery
“Enough moping,” Madison says, snatching the dirty romance novel from my hands. “Come on, you’re coming out with me and Noah.”
“But I was at the part where he spanks her for the
first time…” Wow. I can’t believe I just said that. I also can’t believe I’m reading the book that Madison shoved into my hands after finishing it in one day. But she’s right, it is addicting.
“Told
ya you’d love the smut. But you can read it later. We’re going bowling.”
I don’t want to give up the progress I’ve made, so I get dressed, add makeup and let Madison straighten my long, crazy hair. The girl in the mirror looks different, but she’s still me. Maybe even a better version of me. No longer terrified of being discovered, because the worst of that has happened – a guy I was falling for found out in the most spectacular fashion and hasn’t spoken to me since –
and it can’t get much worse than that. So I’m done hiding in the dorms while my friends go out on the weekends. Maybe if I pretend I’m normal and not destroyed by Jase’ rejection, things will fall into place. Fake it till you make it. Right?
With the truth out in the world, I should
feel freer. But the effect is more like a great burden. It’s no longer necessary to hide. I feel worse than ever. I should’ve had the guts to tell Jase. He was a big part of my healing, and he opened himself up a lot along the way, too. By keeping it from him, I cheapened the entire experience. If he is done with me, I at least want to keep our memories, but now they are soured with my own guilt and self-loathing.