The Impossible Art of Falling (Impossible Art #1) (26 page)

“Where did you sleep last night,” her mother demanded

“Not that it’s any of your business anymore, but in the barn. With Luke,” she added, for good measure, grabbing a muffin.

“That’s really not wise of you, is it?”

Jena really wasn’t in the mood for games, and her anger was freshly fueled from her fight with Luke this morning. Silent no longer, she couldn’t stop the venom that spewed from her mouth.

“You don’t get to tell me things like that anymore. You haven’t been a mother to me for a long time, so you don’t get to start now. Besides, I’m eighteen years old and perfectly capable of taking care of myself, which is exactly what I have been doing for the past year.” The table stayed silent. Meg looked over at Rob and smiled, happy to see her niece come into her own and find her voice. Her mother scowled. Jena reveled in her new found strength. “And I know all about his past. I know about his sister, and I know that he didn’t kill her. It was an accident, just like my father’s death was an accident.” Jena choked out the last few words. “It was no one’s fault, Mom. Not mine, not yours, not his. It is something that happened. Perhaps the sooner you figure that out, the sooner you, too, can move on. I know that I have.”

Jena didn’t give her mother a chance to answer, because she was moving past her and heading up the stairs. She didn’t breathe until she was safely behind her closed door. Her chest heaved and her breath labored. Apparently, this was a morning of firsts. She had never yelled at her mother like that, and she and Luke had never fought like that. She wondered which bothered her more… which was the relationship worth fixing and felt the tears prickle at the back of her eyes, until at last, she could hold them in no more, and they cascaded down her cheeks. Collapsing on her bed, she let them consume her. She cried for everything that was wrong with her life. She cried for all of the loss. She cried for what she had. She cried for what she could have had.

No one came for her for the rest of the day, although she could hear their voices muttering below her. Except for Luke. She figured he was out working the trail with her uncle and Kyle. At least, that is what she told herself. That was her rationale as to why he didn’t try to come and talk to her. As to why he didn’t come apologize. Her fear, of course, was that he didn’t come for her because he didn’t love her anymore, and that he was ready to walk away.

Eventually, she climbed into a hot bath, and let the water soothe the aches in her body. As her mind cleared, she was confronted with all of her problems. Maybe she needed to be the one to fix things with Luke, or at least try. She needed to know where they stood before she could decide what to do. If he no longer wanted to be with her, she didn’t need to stay. But, did she need to go to Florida with her mother? And did she really want to compete again? She knew now, that she wanted to ride, and she wanted to ride her own horse. If she wanted to compete, she could do so from here, she assumed. There were just too many variables to consider.

She pulled herself out of the water and wrapped up in a fluffy bath towel. She needed to talk to Luke before she could make any decisions.

Once she was dressed, she made her way down to the barn. Fortunately, her mother had disappeared for the afternoon, and she was able to leave the house without an issue. The barn was still empty, and she looked at the clock, realizing that the afternoon rides must still be going on. Luke wouldn’t be back for at least an hour. She glanced around and saw Gatsby standing near the fence, practically calling to her to ride. Yes. She would ride while she waited. Riding would help her to organize her thoughts.

She quickly pulled on her boots and saddled him. She was on his back and feeling free, in what felt like only a few minutes. It was here that she was finally able to think clearly. The bath had calmed her down, but it was here, on the back of her horse, that she began to see clearly what she wanted. She would compete again, and she could do it from here. She didn’t need to follow her mother down to Florida. She had everything she wanted in Tennessee.

An hour later, she was putting up her saddle when she heard Luke come back into the barn. She took her time, wiping her tack down and allowing him to put the horses away. She wanted to talk to him when he was alone and not distracted. Finally, she heard him enter his room.

Luke heard the quiet knock at his door and hesitated. He knew it would be Jena. He knew that they needed to talk, but he didn’t know if he had the strength to let her go.

“Come in,” he finally answered.

Jena slipped in and shut the door behind her, leaning against the hardwood. She had been riding, and he noticed the way her breeches hugged her curves. She still had her tall boots on, and a fitted t-shirt, which had a streak of dirt on the sleeve from where, he assumed, Gatsby had nudged her. Her hair was in a pony tail at the nape of her neck—the way she wore it when she had her helmet on—and although it was plastered to her head, she looked beautiful, and he fell for her all over again. Jena noticed the way Luke was looking at her, reminding her that she was probably a mess. She immediately pulled out her pony tail holder and began fixing her hair, frantically throwing it back up into a messy bun. She opened her mouth to speak, but then closed it, not knowing where to start.

“I’m sorry,” Luke started instead. “I shouldn’t have… ” As his voice faded, Jena found her own.

“Here’s the thing, Luke. Just like my mom, you don’t get to tell me what I deserve. I get to decide that, and I want to be with you. Don’t you see that?” Just like with her mother, once Jena found her voice, she couldn’t stop. “I want to be with you. I know all about your past, and I still want to be with you. I’m the one who gets to decide that. I’m the one who gets to choose and I choose you.” She found herself in the middle of the room. Luke watched her standing there and realized how much she had changed since coming to the farm. She was no longer someone to be taken care of. She had found herself again. He smiled a little to himself, happy for her new found strength and knew he loved her more now than ever before.

“I know that, Jena, I really do.” He stepped toward her, meeting her in the middle of the room. His hands grabbed the top of her shoulders. “I’m such a mess right now. There is so much I need to figure out, and I don’t want to hold you back while I do that. I don’t want to stop you from being great. I’d never forgive myself.”

“You’re not stopping me, your helping me.”

Jena wrapped her arms around him, and they held each other.

“I want to stay. I don’t want to go back to Florida. And as for competing, I can do that from here.” Jena whispered.

“Have you told your mom, yet?” Luke asked.

“No. I… I needed to see where we stood first,” Jena answered. “I need to go talk to her. I’ll probably talk to her after dinner, but then I will come back here.” She really needed him to know that she would be back.

“I’m not going to come to dinner, tonight. I have some things I want to do in town,” Luke said. He kissed her on the forehead, his lips lingering against her skin. “I’ll see you when you come back.”

Jena nodded and turned to go. She stopped with her hand on the doorknob and turned.              

“I love you,” she said.

“I love you, too,” Luke answered with a tired smile, as he watched her walk out the door.

THE DINNER CONVERSATION WAS labored, with Rob and Meg doing most of the talking. Jena stayed silent, moving the food around her plate as she formulated exactly what she would say to her mother. After the dishes were done, she walked out to the porch, asking her mother to follow her. Jena sat, waiting for her mother to settle, so she could begin. Karen stood, unsure of what to expect.

“I’m not going back to Florida with you,” Jena began, “I’m going to stay right here, and I’m going to compete again.”

“You’re staying here,” Karen responded. “Really? How will you compete? You have no trainer, no one here to help you.”

“It’s not about competing. I can do that anywhere, and I think you know that.  Besides, I can find a trainer in Tennessee to work with. I don’t want to leave. This is my home now. Uncle Rob and Aunt Meg have given me something I didn’t think I would ever have again, after my life fell apart.”

“And this boy, he has something to do with it, I’m sure,” Karen sneered.

“Yes,” Jena said. “You know the last year hasn’t exactly been easy for me, either. And then I came here, and I met Luke.”  She smiled to herself.  “He just gets me, he understands me, even after everything.”

Karen looked at her daughter, really looked at her, for the first time. The sparkle was back in her eye. The boy, Luke, loved her. She could see it in the way he positioned himself possessively near her. And the look in his eyes. He didn’t just love her, he adored her.

“What about showing? What about the Olympics? I thought you were a shoe-in for the team next year?” Karen asked.

“I’d never make it now. Not only have I not shown in the last year, but I haven’t ridden in months, Mom. The Grayson name has dropped out of the show circuit.”

The expression on her mother’s face changed to shock.

“What do you mean, you haven’t been riding? I thought you had Gatsby here?” Her eyes narrowed in suspicion.

“He is here. Uncle Rob brought him back when he came to get me and some of the mares, but I stopped riding months ago.” Jena got up and walked toward the railing and looked toward the barn. “For a while, after dad died, riding was a release for me.” She felt like every word was a challenge to get out. Her breath caught in her throat and her heart began to race. “But then, I started to look around. People were leaving the farm. No one was there to watch and encourage me, and I got sloppy. And just being too near the horses made me think of Dad. I started to have dreams about falling off, just like Dad. And when I went to ride, I could feel the anxiety growing. I would put one foot in the stirrup and immediately, my heart would quicken and my breathing became shallow. The anxiety became so bad, I couldn’t do it anymore. It’s been hard to shake, but I’m getting there.”

Her mother sat quietly, waiting for Jena to continue.

“I just started riding again. Here, I mean. Luke took me out on a trail ride, and I realized just how much I missed it. A few days ago, I got on Gatsby, and it was everything I remembered. I think that maybe, I’d like to compete again, but I don’t think I’ll be ready for the Olympics next year. Maybe I’ll qualify in five years, and maybe I won’t.”

“But isn’t that what you have always wanted?”

“Yes and no. I wanted it and Dad wanted it. But now, everything is different. I think I may want to compete, but I can do that here.”

“You are really good. A natural. I never told you that.” She paused. “When I met your father, it was as if the earth stood still.” Jena started to say something to her mother, to remind her that she already knew the story, but when she turned, she saw the far-off look of a memory and just let her speak.

“We were at a polo match. Something for charity that my roommate got tickets for. I saw him from a distance and I just knew. And then I found out he showed horses, and my friends all told me I was crazy. They said that getting involved with someone like that was bad. That he would always love his horses more than me. I, of course, didn’t believe them. I thought the horse world was glamorous and envisioned us hanging out with all of the right people, in all the right places. And then, there was a time when I thought that my friends had been right. That he
did
love those damn horses more than me, and that the farm was more important than anything. But, I was wrong.” Karen looked away, biting her lip. She had never admitted what she was about to say and suddenly found that it was hard. “He loved you more.”

Jena turned toward her mother, a look of disbelief on her face. She could feel the tears begin to fall down her cheeks and reached up and dabbed at her eyes. Her own silence that she had, at one time, been so comfortable with, now felt like a heavy burden. She opened her mouth to say something, but Karen shook her head and continued.

“On the day you were born, something in him changed. The center of his world changed. It was as if he now orbited around you. Your father was a big presence. The kind that commanded attention. But when it came to you, he gave attention to you and made you the center. It was different.” Karen stood up and walked over to where her daughter stood in silence. “Don’t worry about me, we were happy together. I know that he loved me. At least, in his own way. It’s something I came to terms with a long time ago. I settled for the life he gave me. But, I would be lying if I said I didn’t resent you for a while. Here you were, this perfect being, and I felt like you stole him from me.”

“I didn’t… how… ” Jena managed to get out, but Karen just waved her off. “Sweetie, it wasn’t your fault and it is certainly not something you should ever apologize for. It’s what is supposed to happen. Your children should become the center of your world, and you had two parents who loved you very much.” She lightly touched her hand to Jena’s arm before turning to stand next to her, placing her hands on the railings. “For a while, I thought that he would quit. Or, at least quit competing, but he had you on the back of a horse before you could even walk and you were hooked. After that, it became all about you. All of the competitions, even the Olympics, all became about training you to get to the same point. One day, I felt as if I had lost you both, because it was clear that this is what you were born to do. Honestly, I think you would have found your way into the competition ring whether you were born into it or not.”