The Light in the Wound (38 page)

I knew they understood me. Evie sighed and got up to leave.

“Ali and I are next door if you need to talk. We’re going to leave now so you can get some rest. Goodnight, Isa. All our lives, we’ve only had each other — through thick and thin. Ali and I are with you every step of the way … no matter what.”

Needless to say, I hardly got any sleep that night. I had the same dream that I had months ago, but this time, I wasn’t on a carnival ride. I was running through a maze and there was no exit in sight. When I woke up the next day, I desperately tried to go back to sleep so I could find my way out. I was fully awakened by the shrill ringing of my phone.

“Hi, baby,” I rasped. It was Alex.

“Morning. What’re you doing today?” He sounded so awake.

“Nothing, really. Just a spa day and relaxing. I didn’t sleep well last night.” Oh no.
Why did I just blurt that out?

“What’s wrong?” His concern was so evident. I knew why he had called.

“Nothing, babe. I think I’m just wired from all the excitement.” I slid my body on the bed and sat up.

“Can I see you today? I just got done working out. I can shower and be there in fifteen.” I could feel the tension in his voice.

“What’s this about? Are you okay?” Suddenly I thought,
Oh no, he’s changing his mind?

“Isa, I was out for a run this morning and I got a sinking feeling that things weren’t okay with you. I’m afraid you’ll change your mind. That he’ll try something today to convince you not to go through with marrying me tomorrow.” His voice was soft and his words were somewhat halted.

“Please, babe. You shouldn’t be worrying about anything. I want you to relax, rest and enjoy your bachelor party with the guys tonight. We don’t have to see each other today. Spend the day with your mom. She’s been really emotional about everything. It will just make getting together tomorrow night that much sweeter.” I was making him a promise. “I love you, Alex.”

“I love you too, Isabel. In less than forty-eight hours, you’re going to be Mrs. Ailey.” His voice was noticeably calmer.

“Beloved when I look upon myself, I see that my intelligence and clarity is You

Everything that is precious in my worthless being is You.”

—Rumi

I spent most of the day with Evie and Alicia. Gracie spent the day visiting her dad, and my mom was out seeing friends with her husband. We relaxed by the pool and I was able to run five miles in the afternoon. I ran the route that Jesse and I used to take, secretly hoping that I would bump into him. Except for thinking about him for that one brief moment, it was nice to just have a day off. I was so thankful that Pierre, with all his bossy and mysterious ways, was handling the entire event without my involvement. That night, the three of us lounged on the patio and had a light dinner. I had my feet up on one of the rattan couches and was wearing the most comfortable pair of running capris and a tank top. We smoked a few cigarettes and drank some wine. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to handle a lot, so I had a ‘one glass and three cig’ limit. That was enough to make me feel relaxed. In fact, by 9:00 P.M., I was ready to call it a night.

“Sayonara, sissies. I think I’m going to bed to read a book and just chill,” I announced, as I stood up to leave. I paused for a moment, surprised by a flash of lightning followed by a loud roar of thunder. “Didn’t they say that rain on your wedding day is good luck?” I teased.

“Grandma always said that. Money shall rain all throughout your married life, according to her,” Alicia mockingly snorted.

Evie was deep in thought and completely missed our rain conversation. “Great idea, Isa. Get that beauty sleep. Are you all packed for your honeymoon?”

“I brought out all the clothes I wanted to bring and set them aside for Mellie to pack for me,” I answered. “I guess I overpacked, and now I’m thinking that I should probably pack lighter and just buy stuff if I need anything while I’m there. What do you think?” I lingered around to hear my sisters’ thoughts on the matter.

“I think you should do that. You know you’re going to shop. You and Alex together in the world of couture. You’re going to shop, trust me,” Alicia chided.

“You’re right, Ali Bali. I’ll revisit my pile before Mellie gets into it.” I laughed. “Oh, speak of the dev- I mean the best nanny in the world.” I turned to find Mellie with a serious look on her face. I should have known. Mellie and bad news always went together.

“Ma’am Isabel, this came for you,” she said, as she held out a sealed white envelope in her hand. Her dark eyes burned with melancholy. I could feel it seeping into me.

I stood frozen in place as Evie reached out to take it.

“Are you going to read it?” she asked nervously.

“Yes.” I walked toward her and gently placed the envelope between my fingers. It was wet and flimsy and some of the ink on the front had smeared through the paper.

I moved back to the same couch I had gotten up from and sat down as I unfolded the envelope:

Dearest Isabel,

It seems that you are no longer taking my calls, and although I would like to think that you are merely missing them on your phone, I know this isn’t the case. As I write this letter, a picture of the beautiful, innocent young girl I met seven years ago emerges in my head. How much I miss that girl, and how desperately I long to see her, to hear her voice, to touch her and hold her. I remember how much you loved me, Isabel. How much you gave up for me. You stopped at nothing to make me feel loved and secure and I took it all for granted. Now I live with so much regret.

Remember the party where we first met? When you walked straight into me, you were so close that I had to curtail the urge to wrap my arms around you and hold you there. I still remember how I snuck a sniff of your hair — it smelled like heaven. No matter how hard I tried not to fall for you, you had me then, just as much as you have me now. There is no sweeter sound to me than your laughter, and I’ve been craving it more than I do my next breath.

We were from two different worlds and I wanted so much to be a part of yours. But somehow I felt that I never belonged and resolved to work hard at thriving in it someday. I now regret asking you to give up your world for mine. I guess we were just so young, I never imagined how asking someone to surrender who they are will always only be temporary. While we were in college, the sudden attention and success that I had went to my head. I felt so invincible. I thought that my success would cure me of all my insecurities. I failed to recognize that your patience and love was what got me there. There was so much temptation around me everywhere I went and I felt like I was losing out by tying myself down to you. And yet, when we came together every weekend, I knew that I wasn’t willing to give you up either.

I never stopped loving you, Isabel. Through all these growing pains we shared, it has always been and will always only be you. I was selfish and foolish to think that you would wait for me while I sorted myself out.

I thirst for you, I long for you. There is not one moment that goes by that I don’t think of you. Nothing matters to me. I will never find my peace or happiness without you.

Do you still think of me, Issy? When you’re with him, is it me that you see? Are you with him only because you fear that you have so much love to give? I’m here now, Isabel. I’m ready for all your love. I’m ready to love you, to fight for you. If you give me back your love, I promise never to waste it again.

I’m outside of your house waiting for you to come to me. I’ll stay here no matter how long it takes. Come outside. Let’s continue our story. Let’s prove to the world that first loves can last a lifetime. Please, Isabel. I’m begging you. Come to me tonight.

Jesse

I felt weak and lightheaded. I was blinded with tears. But I wasn’t hysterical. I was surprisingly calm. The sound of the heavy downpour on the glass roof over our heads was deafening. I dropped the letter to the floor and walked up to Evie.

“He’s outside. I’m going outside. I’ll text you if I need you. Please don’t follow me,” I pleaded with her.

Evie slowly nodded her head as I turned to walk toward the front door. As she slowly wrapped me in her arms, her words were barely a whisper, “Do what you need to do to get him out of your system.”

I was running down the driveway when I realized I didn’t have any shoes on. I could hardly see through the rain and was soaked to the bone by the time I got outside the gates. As the security guards started to run after me, I jerked around, held both hands up to them and yelled at the top of my lungs, “Don’t! DO NOT follow me!”

I turned to my left and saw him. As he looked up and realized it was me, Jesse got out of his car, walked a few feet toward me and fell to his knees. He was holding up a black box as he sobbed. I steadily approached him and took his hands in mine. Calmly and with wooden precision, I led him back to his car. Not a single word was exchanged between us as he started the car up and drove away. I stared out over the dashboard into the darkness before us as we rode the car in complete and utter silence.

Before the light comes this must all be over,
I thought resolutely
. Tomorrow needs to belong to Alex.

He jumped out of the car and threw his keys on the driver’s seat as we made our way into the lobby of his condo. I didn’t care that we were both soaking wet and that I was still barefoot.

Jesse opened the door to his place and led me inside. As I stood by the entrance, he switched on all the lights and rushed to the closet to grab us some towels. He gently handed me a towel for my hair and wrapped another one around my shoulders. Minutes passed and we still hadn’t uttered a single word. He led me to his couch. I sat on one end while he sat on the other.

“Jess!” I sobbed. “Why are you doing this to me now? Don’t you see that it’s too late?”

He stood up and knelt in front of me, in between my drenched legs. “No, Issy. It’s not too late. I love you. I want to marry you. I’m so sorry. So sorry. We have tonight. We can make this right. Tell me how to turn it all back. Please, Isabel. I’m going to die if I don’t get to touch you. My heart can’t take it!” he cried.