The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (103 page)

JESUS

Jesus and St Peter go for a game of golf. St Peter steps up to the tee on a 120-yard par three and hits one long and straight. The ball bounces twice and rolls on to the green, leaving him a four-foot putt. Jesus is up next. He slices his shot. It flies over the fence, out of bounds and into traffc on an adjacent street. The ball bounces off a truck, on to the roof of a nearby conservatory and rolls into the rain gutter. The ball falls down the drain spout and rolls on to a lily pad in a garden pond. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. A kestrel swoops down and grabs the frog. As the kestrel flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. The ball rolls gently into the hole.

St Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. “Are you going play golf?” he asks “Or are you just going to fuck around?”

The three wise men arrive to visit the infant lying in the manger, bearing gifts of gold, incense and myrrh. One of the wise men, who is very tall, accidentally bumps his head on the low doorway as he leaves the stable. “Jesus Christ!” he exclaims.

Joseph says, “Write that down, Mary. It’s better than Dave.”

It is the second coming of Christ. Before the world ends, he wants to take in some fishing, so he and his friend Moses head up to the lake to fsh. They are about to rent a canoe when Moses says: “Jesus, can’t you still walk on water? Why not just walk out there?” So Jesus takes his reel and tackle and steps on to the lake . . . and falls knee deep in water.

Moses says, “Well, maybe you need a head start or something, why not try it off the end of the dock.”

So Jesus takes his reel and tackle, steps off the end of the dock and falls in the water up to his waist. Moses says, “Jeez, that’s embarrassing. Tell you what, why not rent the boat, go out to the middle of the lake and try from there.”

So they rent the boat and go to the middle of the lake. Jesus is about to step off and try again, when Moses says, “Hang on a minute. Just to be safe, why not get yourself into the state of mind you were in the first time you did it.”

So Jesus sits down meditates for a few minutes. Finally he’s all psyched up, and steps out of the canoe . . . and sinks to the bottom of the lake. Moses dives in and pulls Jesus up into the boat. He is really humiliated by this and just can’t see what’s going wrong. Moses just sits there staring down at the bottom of the boat. Suddenly, Moses says, “I got it! I know what’s wrong! Did you have those holes in your feet last time?”

I know Jesus was a carpenter, but he never actually sang on any of their records.

Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death.

To calm the situation, Jesus said: “Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone.”

Suddenly an old woman at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The unfortunate young lady collapsed dead on the spot. Jesus looked at the old lady and said: “Mother, sometimes you are a real fucking embarrassment.”

Jesus and St Paul are sitting in Heaven discussing global warming, pollution and mankind’s generally filthy ways. Jesus decides to pop down to see the situation for himself and asks Paul to join him. They go to the seaside and when they arrive, Jesus sees a huge metal pipe leading out to sea and asks what its purpose is. Paul explains that it is used to take human effuent out to sea, where the muck kills marine life. Jesus decides to take action and strides across the waves. Walking alongside, Paul is soon knee deep in shit, while Jesus scoots along imperiously on top of the water. Ever hopeful of some help, Paul slogs on while Jesus continues to walking on water. Soon the water is up to Paul’s chin.

“Master,” he calls, “I will follow you anywhere, but I’m up to my neck in shitty water and I think I’m going to drown.”

At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Paul. “Well,” he says, “why don’t you just walk on the pipe like me, dickhead?”

Jesus was making his usual rounds in Heaven when he noticed a little white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. He was saddened to see the old man looking so miserable so he stopped to talk to him.
“Old man,” said Jesus gently, “this is Heaven. The sun is shining, you have all you could want here and you’re supposed to be blissfully happy! What’s wrong?”
“Well,” said the old man, “you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here in Heaven I was hoping more than anything to find him.”
Tears sprang from Jesus’ eyes. “FATHER!” he cried.
The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, “PINOCCHIO!”

An Irishman, an Australian and an Englishman are in a bar, and they notice Jesus sitting at a table in the corner, quietly drinking on his own. They each send him a drink over and he sips each one slowly.

When he’s finished, Jesus walks over to the Irishman and shakes his hand and thanks him for the Guinness. “Bejesus, my arthritis has gone!” exclaims the Irishman.

Jesus then thanks the Aussie for the Fosters. “Christ, mate, my bad back’s cured!”

Jesus approaches the Englishman, who runs away shouting, “Fuck off – I’m on disability benefit!”