He jerks at my words, and for a moment, his hand moves as if he wants to reach for me, but he quickly drops it.
“It wasn’t...”
“Don’t bother. I don’t want to hear it. I’ve heard enough... I heard enough when you whispered sweet nothings in my ear. It doesn’t matter in the end. You and Cheyenne deserved each other because you were both fake and selfish.”
He growls now. “Don’t talk about her like that!”
“Why not?” I scream. “Why can’t I talk about your precious wife like that? She was the sunshine in everyone’s lives. She was the perfect daughter, the perfect wife, the perfect god damned sister and what was I? Nothing more than a thorn in all of your sides. I never compared, I never even came close. She lapped it up, every fucking second of it. She had you all wrapped around her finger and she knew it. She didn’t even want you, Spike, she only did it because I wanted you. She always had to have what I wanted. Screw you, I hate you as much as I fucking hate her!”
Tears are streaming down my face now and I spin, rushing toward my front door. He never should have gotten that much emotion from me. He doesn’t deserve it.
My words were unfair, and a big part of me knows that. To Spike, Cheyenne was the prefect wife. She adored him. She treated him well. She was sweet and kind. To me, she was my sister, and I loved her, but I also knew what she was like deep down. Spike was never the man she wanted for herself. She had feelings for him, and yes, she grew to love him, but it was only because of me that she began to look in the first place.
“Ciara, don’t fuckin’ walk away...”
I spin around. “Fuck you. I never said that to you, and I should have. I’ve been all over the place with this. For the longest time, I blamed you for her death, but that was my hurt coming out over you, it wasn’t because of fact. When I realized it was unfair and it wasn’t your fault, I came back and tried to make it better. I tried to make it better for the man who was once my friend, but you shot me down. So I’m saying what should have been said, from the very moment you started using me to get to her. Fuck you, Danny!”
We’re both quiet for a long moment, eyes meeting, hearts pounding. It’s him that speaks.
“I might deserve that, but I wasn’t the only one who fucked up.”
I glare at him. “No, you weren’t. That’s the problem. I know I fucked up too, but I’m trying, Spike. I’m trying to fix what I broke.”
“Ain’t nothin’ to be fixed. I was done with you years ago, and nothin’ you can do will ever get that back. You need to get that in your head, and leave it there, Ciara.”
“You know what’s so pathetic about this situation?” I rasp, my hands shaking. “It’s that no matter how angry I am at you, no matter how many times you spit hurtful words at me, or how many times I keep telling myself to walk away, I can’t. I want to save you. I want that friend that I know is in there. I can’t walk away, Spike. I hate you, and yet I can’t walk away.”
His eyes are full of anger and pain when he spits out his next words. “Don’t want you to fuckin’ save me, Ciara. Don’t want you in my fuckin’ life. When will you get that through your head? I don’t want to be in your life. I didn’t chose
you
, I chose
her
. You need to fuckin’ move on. I am not the same person I was before.”
I laugh, even though hot tears are running down my cheeks. I won’t let him break me now. Not after everything I’ve fought for. His words burn, they wrap around my heart and squeeze so tightly I struggle to breathe.
“See, that’s where you’re wrong. I know that person is in there, and I won’t stop until I find something inside you worth believing in again.
“So keep trying, Spike. You can spit hateful words at me as much as you want. You might have given up on the friendship we built all those years ago, but I didn’t. I never did, and as much as you hate it, I
never
will.”
Then I spin, and I walk inside before he can say another word. Spike needs to know someone isn’t going to give up on him. He needs to know someone is willing to fight. My head is screaming at me to turn him away and run, but my heart is telling me to stay and fight for what I believe in.
And I believe in him.
Somewhere inside, I know he’s still there.
I
stand at the door for long moments, wiping my eyes and gathering myself. I hear his Harley start up, and speed off. With a deep breath, I turn, and make my way into the kitchen. Just as I reach the counter, my phone rings. Sighing, I look down and see Addi’s name flashing on the screen. I bet she got in big trouble for our behavior tonight. We were only having fun, but when you’re dating a biker, you don’t do that kind of thing. Not without your man by your side, anyway. Cade trusts her, and he’s fairly easygoing when it comes to letting her go out, but Addi has far too much spunk for her own good and ends up in trouble more often than not.
“Hey,” I say, trying to make my voice sound reasonably normal.
“Hey honey, are you ok?”
“I should be asking the same thing...”
She laughs softly. “Yeah, I’m ok. Make-up sex fixes everything.”
“Ah,” I cry. “
TMI
, Addi!”
She giggles. “Yeah, well, it keeps him calm. Speaking of, how did you and Spike end the night? You weren’t removing anything...were you?”
Addi knows about Spike’s little fetishes. Having a woman remove his piercings is one of them.
When he was with me, I didn’t get a chance to do it. He took them out himself. Well, actually, he didn’t take them out as such - he just removed the spikes. They are these little spikey ends that slide over the ends of the barbells. Still, he enjoys making a woman pull them off...with her mouth...so I’ve heard.
I snort. “No, that did
not
happen. I care about myself far more. He dropped me off, and left. It was fine,” I lie.
“Well, now I know you’re lying because I can hear you’ve been crying.”
“Damn you, Addi.”
She chuckles again. “Well, I rang to give you a heads up. Another angry, over-protective biker is about to pull up in your driveway.”
“What? Who?”
“Cade.”
“Aw, Addi, did you send Cade over?” I groan.
“He’s angry at you, but mostly he’s worried because you left with Spike. I couldn’t stop him, you know what he’s like. He’s known you as long as Spike has, he cares about you.”
I grumble under my breath, “Damn bikers.”
Addi snorts. “Yeah, you got that right. I’m going to bed now, my head’s beginning to hurt...stupid shots. I’ll call you tomorrow, ok?”
“Yeah, thanks babe.”
I hang up the phone and sigh. Cade, great, just what I need. Another big, bad, biker lecture. I’m grateful it’s going to come from Cade, though. He’s always been the nicest towards me, Jackson coming in at a close second. Addi is very lucky to have them both in her life. They’d die a million times over for her. She had a rough life, and is only just coming good after a very recent kidnapping that nearly ended badly for her. Since then, her and Cade have been inseparable, and I can understand why. It scared the life out of him when she was taken. Jackson too. I am glad to have found a friend in Addi, over the past weeks we have gotten closer. It’s nice to have someone.
I hear the rumble of the Harley-Davidson long before it pulls into my drive. Sighing, I quickly pull on some pajama bottoms and slip on an old, baggy shirt. Cade really doesn’t need to see me in my tiniest skirt. I hear the sound of his boots crunching up the path, and then I hear his fist banging on the door. Bikers; they never do anything quietly. I stand there for a moment, contemplating whether to let him in or pretend I’m asleep. Mean, I know, but Cade always overreacts. I don’t know if I can deal with anymore flaw pointing tonight.
“Open up, Tom Cat. Know you’re in there.”
Well, at least he’s calling me Tom Cat. That has to mean something, right?
I walk over, and open the front door. Cade is standing there, dark jeans, leather jacket, looking like the biker version of a model. He’s beautiful. Inky black hair, light eyes, olive skin, tatts everywhere. Cade is what most women dream about.
I can’t help but smile when I see his serious expression. Cade and I have always been close, so it doesn’t scare me when he tries that one on.
“Don’t smirk at me girl, you know you’re in deep shit.”
I raise my eyebrows and block the doorway as he goes to step in.
“How come I’m the one getting yelled at, and Addi is home sleeping? Is it because I can’t offer make-up sex?”
His lips twitch, but he doesn’t crack a smile. “Addi got her ass slapped for what she did, don’t you fuckin’ worry about that. Now, it’s your turn, minus the ass slapping. You gonna let me in?”
“If I say no...”
He leans forward, grips my shoulders and lifts, moving me out of the way—then he steps through the door. I roll my eyes, and turn, walking into the kitchen. I hear Cade following, and I can’t wait for the lecture I’m about to get...really...I can’t wait.
“What’s goin’ on with you, Tom Cat?”
Here we go.
“Nothing,” I say, opening the fridge and pulling out a bottle of water.
“Don’t fuckin’ bullshit me. You came to town after your sister died, we let you lean on us until you found a job, then you got a job, found a place and things were goin’ well for you...until Spike came into town. Then you went off the rails. You snuck my woman to his compound...”
“Hey!” I snap, cutting him off and spinning around to face him. “She wanted to go there, not me!”
“Either way, it ain’t like you. Then tonight...what the fuck was goin’ down in your head?”
“I was having fun, Cade.”
“No, you were bein’ a shit stirrer.”
I cross my arms, and he does too, giving me a hard expression.
“What’s it to you, anyway?”
He raises his brows. “Are you fuckin’ stupid? I’ve been friends with you for a long time, Ciara, and you matter. Anyone who matters to me, I protect. You went out tonight lookin’ for a brawl.”
“No, I was having a few drinks with Addi, and it got out of hand.”
“You don’t do that shit. You are the one who walks away...”
“Yeah,” I bark. “Well maybe I’m sick of being who I am. Look where it got me...”
He uncrosses his arms and steps forward. I step back. “Now we’re getting somewhere.”
“Look, Cade, you know I respect you, but I’m not going to discuss this any further. I don’t owe anybody an explanation for what I’m doing. If you want to be angry at Addi, go right ahead, but it has nothing to do with me.”
“Do you think that shit speech is actually going to stop me from protectin’ you?”
“It should!” I growl.
“Well it doesn’t. Stop pushing the ones that care away, Tom Cat.”
“I’m doing nothing! I’m just living, Cade. Same way you are.”
“Not the same as I am! You’re fighting to fix something that can’t be fixed. You need to let go of this shit with Spike. It ain’t doin’ you any favors.”
“This has nothing to do with Spike.”
“It has everything to do with Spike, and you know it. He ain’t worth this sort of pain, Tom Cat. He ain’t worth the fight. He’s fucked up, he needs to deal with his shit before anyone attempts to make a decent man out of him.”
“When did you stop believing in him?” I whisper.
Cade flinches. “I didn’t.”
“You did, because the way you just spoke about him tells me you don’t think he can be fixed. I think you’re wrong, Cade. I think Spike is broken, but I also think he can be put back together.”
“Maybe he can, but it ain’t from you, sugar.”
“Because I’m not good enough...” I mumble.
“Stop that shit,” he barks, stepping closer and giving me a fierce glare. “You’re too good for him, that’s the fuckin’ problem. Spike is gonna hurt you, just because he can. Don’t be the one in his firing line.”
“I’m not in his firing line. Hell Cade, he can’t even see me.”
Cade tilts his head to the side. “You love him still, don’t you? It’s why you’re actin’ out.”
“No. I despise him.”
Cade snorts. “Okay, Tom Cat. Let me tell you something anyway, just for the fuckin’ sake of it, because clearly there’s so much more I can’t see. I don’t owe Spike anything, but I do owe you plenty, so here goes. Spike wanted you, before Chey came into the picture. Before everything went south, Spike had feelings for you. They went pretty deep. Do you think he would pick just anyone up and take them to work every day? I can tell you he wouldn’t. He was tryin’ and you were just seein’ him as a friend - all those years, and you friend-zoned him. He figured you wanted nothin’ more than that, so he moved on. He saw Chey, he fell for her and she became his obsession. What he did to you, it was fucked up, but it wasn’t just a revenge fuck, Tom Cat. Part of Spike wanted that...and then you ran...and you know how it ended.”
“You’re wrong,” I rasp.
My entire body is shaking, and I’m gripping onto the counter for dear life. Cade’s wrong. Spike would have told me if he cared about me. He saw my sister and from there forward, he didn’t look back. He never made a move on me, aside from the night we slept together. Cade’s wrong. He’s wrong. He is.
“He would have told me,” I whisper, feeling my eyes sting with unshed tears.
“Spike’s a fuckin’ hard man. He doesn’t throw himself at anyone, Tom Cat. You two were friends, but you always kept your distance. That told him you didn’t want him. Chey came along, and she threw herself at him. She went out of her way to get his attention and so he went with her, because he thought there was nothing between you two. He went on to fall in love with Chey. She was his first love, and she changed something inside of him, but Tom Cat, she isn’t who he wanted to begin with.”
“You’re saying...because I didn’t throw myself at him the way my sister did...that I missed out?”
Cade shrugs, but it’s gentle. “Sorry Tom Cat, but that’s just how Spike works. He’s not the type to chase women, he never has been. Chey made it easy for him, it’s the only reason he looked.”
“He looked,” I grind out, “because they all did. Chey had that effect on men. She was sunshine, and me...”
“Don’t,” he growls. “Don’t fuckin’ say anything about yourself. Spike thought you were the damned prettiest thing he’d seen in years, he spoke about you all the time.”