The Swimming Pool (27 page)

I see now that I wasn't thinking straight that weekend. Maybe I hadn't been thinking straight since the beginning, since that luminous Saturday morning in July when I took my seat at the lido café and came face to face with our bewitching new lake of ultramarine. Since I'd begun seeing Elm Hill in spangled, crackly cine-film vision, as if it were old Hollywood, its trees not elms but palms or cypresses, its people golden and decadent, subject only to the laws of their own making. Since I'd worshipped at the altar of La Madrague and believed myself to be, like its residents, closer to the sun than other people.

It was going to be as hard to remove myself from the fantasy as it had been easy to be seduced by it.

But remove myself was what Ed expected me to do, evidently.

‘I'm going to give the Channings notice on the tutoring,' he told me on Friday morning, even before I'd got up. Though he came bearing coffee, he stood at my bedside ready to do battle. This was how it was now and I can't say I didn't feel sorrow: when he announced news that was important to him, he counted not on support
but on strife. It was as if the New Forest holiday had never happened, or the previous ninety-nine per cent of our marriage, for that matter.

‘Oh, Ed, I wouldn't do anything too hasty. Apart from anything else, they're a really influential family.'

‘Exactly. I can't risk rumours circulating. I need to nip this in the bud. The timing's good because they're about to go on holiday and by the time they get back term will have started and everyone will be crazy busy. I'll let them know in writing and it will get lost in the general excitement.'

He was like a civil servant burying scandal in news of a war.

‘Fine,' I said, ‘whatever you think is right.' Though I hadn't seen Lara for five days, his reminder that she would soon be departing for a holiday disheartened me.

Pleasantly surprised, Ed sat on the bed, his manner more conciliatory. ‘Before you ask, I don't mind Molly still being friends with Georgia and the others. I can't deny they've been a good influence.'

‘You can't stop friendships,' I agreed. ‘If they want to be together, they'll be together, whatever we say.' Indeed, Molly had seen Georgia again the previous day for their lido tour with Matt and declared plans for today too. They were becoming inseparable.

‘But the adults,' Ed said. He paused and I saw the absolutism in his eyes. ‘I'd rather we stopped seeing them altogether.'

My rejection of this was both instant and wholesale. Yes, I had paused communication of my own accord,
but the idea of being forbidden Lara's company permanently was unthinkable – and the notion of being told to do it by my husband untenable. ‘The problem is, Ed, like I just said, you can't stop friendships. I can't just cut people out like that, and even if I could I wouldn't. This isn't Saudi Arabia. We vote, we drive, we choose our own friends.'

‘I see.' He stood up again, and there was a sense beyond his immediate physical withdrawal that he was disconnecting from me – and also that he had anticipated having to do so. ‘Well, it goes without saying that we can't go to the pool party on Sunday.
I
can't, anyway,' he corrected himself. ‘Not being a Saudi female, you must decide for yourself.'

‘Thank you, I will.' Though on the surface quite unruffled, I was profoundly disturbed by this exchange. ‘Seriously, Ed, I think you should keep an open mind about the Channings. The way you're feeling, it's not even their fault. It's mine.'

He scowled. ‘What is it with this woman? She's even got other people blaming themselves for her crimes!'

‘There
are
no crimes,' I protested.

‘Not on my part, there aren't. I can't speak for the rest of you.' And he left the room.

Devastating though this was in one way, in another it was constructive, providing as it did the catalyst I'd needed to break my paralysis and act. When Lara phoned again and left a voicemail suggesting I drop by her place ‘any time, any time at all', I replied by text saying I would
call around that afternoon. I had a mission: far from sharing Ed's determination to cut off relations, I planned to erase the issue that had fractured those relations and continue just as we had been. I would enlist her help. Perhaps if she were to apologize to him or appeal to him directly, we might even be able to change his mind. He was not a tyrant; his decision was not irrevocable.

Hope made me naïve. Something else – I couldn't name it yet – made me careless.

First, before I saw Lara, I needed to make my peace with Gayle. I still had
some
sense of priorities.

Wednesday's planned dinner had been abandoned, of course, Craig having phoned Ed to cancel after returning from the hospital, where Harriet had had her lungs checked. They had been found undamaged. He'd evidently made no reference to my part in the aftermath of her accident, which was no small mercy since I honestly didn't think I could bear disapproval from Ed on a whole new subject. Neither Ed nor I brought up the parallel with Molly, who'd had the same examination in a different A & E department all those years ago.

Gayle had rejected several calls from me, just as I had Lara's, so I cheated now by ringing her from Ed's phone.

‘Oh. Nat.' Her tone was neutral, with just a touch of distaste.

‘I know you don't want to hear from me,' I began, ‘but I just needed to make sure Harriet's all right. Ed says she had the all-clear from Trinity?'

‘She's
absolutely fine. It was all a storm in a teacup – she's not even sure how it happened.'

‘I thought maybe she collided with another swimmer? It can get very crowded in the afternoons –'

‘I know,' Gayle interrupted, an edge to her voice. ‘I do swim there myself, hence being on the scene when it happened.'

I knew what she meant by this and rushed to address it. ‘We should co-ordinate our times again, like we used to?'

Before I'd ditched her for Lara. It served me right that she continued as if I'd not made the offer: ‘To answer your question, she doesn't remember any collision with anyone else, just being under water and becoming a bit disorientated.'

‘Was she holding her breath? It could have been that thing Matt told us about. Shallow-water blackout?'

‘Not everything has to be some dramatic medical event, Nat,' she said, sighing. ‘Far more likely it was the effects of the sun. Who knows with girls, hormones running riot like they do? Anyway, she didn't lose consciousness. She would have surfaced by herself if Matt hadn't spotted her, but she was under just a bit longer than they like. Better to be on the safe side.'

‘Absolutely.' I was encouraged by this flow of information. Realistically, I'd expected to be hung up on. ‘So there aren't any after effects?' I was not sure what was driving my persistence, genuine concern or the desire to disprove that accusation:
There
are
other children in the
world … parents who care about their children just as much as you do about yours
.

‘Like I said, she's fine.' Gayle was growing impatient. ‘Was there anything else?'

‘No, yes …' I had rehearsed my line and it was time to deliver it. ‘It's just, I'm sorry if you thought I said “Thank God”.'

She snorted. ‘For Heaven's sake, you know I can't bear those passive-aggressive apologies. There's no “if you thought” about it! You
did
. There were witnesses. Can't you just say sorry and be done with it?'

‘I'm sorry. I really am. And I'm sorry the focus always seems to be on Molly.'

‘Not “seems”, Nat,
is
.'

‘Yes. I hadn't realized. I've allowed her phobia to dominate, but I'm trying my best to stop that. I'm sorry.'

Gayle sighed again. I was becoming tedious. ‘I have to go. Have a good day on Sunday and enjoy the Noblesse pool party. Is Ed still going?'

I was a little taken aback by the question, since Gayle didn't know about Lara's implications of wrongdoing or Ed's decision to sever ties. He'd confided in her and Craig his more general objections, clearly: our division over the Channings was now an established fact.

‘Of course,' I lied. ‘We all are.'

She gave an odd little chuckle.

‘What?'

‘It just strikes me that you'd think, as a maths teacher, he of all people could put two and two together.'

‘About
what?' I asked, confused.

‘Nothing, Nat. Just … happy birthday.'

I didn't know what she was talking about. And though her birthday wishes were grimly given, I thought I detected an undercurrent of relent, a nail-hold on the cliff-face of our friendship, and I accepted them with eagerness.

I couldn't keep away, it was as simple as that. The truth – and I was perhaps the last to acknowledge it – was that if any Steele was in thrall to a Channing it was not Ed to Georgia, or even Molly to Georgia, but me to Lara. Arriving at La Madrague at five o'clock, I was sent by a departing Marthe up to the terrace; she was, she said, about to collect Everett from his friend's. Georgia, I happened to know, was in Starbucks on the high street with Molly and Eve. The house was silent, no music, no chatter, none of the usual Lara effects. I entered the living room and crossed the parquet stealthily, as if I had no business being there. At the doors to the terrace, I lingered, thinking at first it was as deserted as the rest of the house and that Marthe had mistaken Lara's whereabouts. Then I saw her, in the hanging egg chair, which had been turned from its usual inward-facing position towards the park; she was quite lost in her thoughts. To my surprise she was smoking, a veil of grey filling the egg, and as she exhaled she let her head fall backwards in a pose of tragic abandon. It was clear that she'd been subject to one of her low moods: her expression was that of the forgotten wife, the dismissed mother, the
ageing beauty. I hoped her gloom was not to do with Georgia and Ed.

I felt suddenly unequal to the task ahead and was on the verge of turning and leaving when she stirred, called my name. ‘You're here! How wonderful. As you can see I've fallen into a decline and it's all your fault.'

At once my ears burned and roared and strained for more. ‘I told you I was coming.'

‘But I didn't know if you meant it. Are we friends again?' she asked, eyes huge, expression vulnerable and childlike. ‘Say we are.'

She was irresistible. ‘Of course we are. We never weren't,' I said.

She slithered from the chair to hug me. Her scent was cedarwood and cigarette smoke. Wine was fetched and we drank it side by side overlooking the lido. It seemed to me – maybe I imagined this – that for the first time I could glimpse a triangle of blue.

‘Just so you know,' I said, ‘I spoke to Ed about what we discussed and we're a hundred per cent sure you have nothing to worry about. He's happy to talk it through if you'd like to, put your minds at ease.'

I was lying, saying things I thought she'd like to hear. Now his letter giving notice on their arrangement would cause even more of a stir.

Before I could commit further treason, Lara reached to put a finger to my lips, slender and cool with a coral blade of nail. ‘Darling, I told you there was no need to raise it with him.'

‘I
know, but when you're a teacher, especially a male one, you have to be vigilant. A friend of ours had a horrible time with a false allegation.'

‘No allegation has been made. You need to learn when to ignore me,' she said, and she smiled with the blend of graciousness and gratitude that passes between the admirer and the admired. The rightful order had been restored and it was a relief to us both.

‘What about Miles?' I said.

‘What about him?'

‘Does he agree the whole thing can be forgotten?'

‘Of course he does.' There was a suspicion that we were talking at cross-purposes, but I had no desire to delve. As with Gayle, I had prepared lines to deliver.

‘The thing is, I think it's best if we don't come to the party on Sunday. It just removes the possibility of any awkwardness and I know you have a long waiting list for tickets so it isn't as if they'll go to waste. Someone will be thrilled to get lucky. Maybe Gayle.' Yes, I thought, that would be poetic justice: with Lara's agreement, I'd offer her our tickets.

‘I heard what happened with her,' Lara said, pouting sympathy. ‘The way she shouted at you, you poor thing.'

‘I deserved it,' I said. ‘I'm just pleased she's still speaking to me.'

‘I know
that
feeling,' Lara said sweetly.

‘So I hope you understand? About the party?'

‘Of course I do. But before you decide …'

‘What?'