The Tao of Pam (23 page)

Natalie dialed Ashton’s number, and it rang for a full minute, a message coming on that his mailbox was full. She shrugged her shoulders; if he wasn’t maintaining his phone, it wasn’t her fault if she couldn’t get in touch with him.

While Natalie worried about him, Ashton was taking the train downtown. Every hour for the past two days, he’d tried to call Ted. He even dialed Jack’s old number, both his cell and office phones, and then the house number. A man answered, repeating hello over again, and finally hung up. The thought of hanging around the apartment, unable to work because he was so preoccupied, increased his anxiety. Finally, he decided he was going to sneak up on Ted.

Taking the train was the best way to get downtown secretly. He stood out only because it was so obvious he was trying to disguise himself, with dark glasses and a baseball cap on backwards, baggy jeans and a long sleeved T-shirt. He got off the train at City Hall and walked to Ted’s office building, not bothering to stop at reception. But when he got up to Ted’s floor, the door was locked. Ashton was confused. He was sure Ted would be staying in his office rather than getting a hotel room. He keyed in the number to Ted’s phone, but like his own, it went unanswered. Defeated, Ashton left and walked back uptown toward the train. It didn’t occur to him to try Natalie’s apartment.

On a whim, he got off at Penn Station. Conflicted, he was determined to have a confrontation of some kind, and since it couldn’t be with the wayward Ted, it would have to be with either Natalie or Pam Smith. He dug a coin out of pocket and flipped it in the air. Heads, Long Island, tails upstate. He reached down for the penny, put it back in his pocket, and got on a train headed for upstate New York.

***

On Thursday before seven, Dan left for his apartment to get ready to get to the farm. After he finished there, he had to spend time in his office and help Lisa find a therapist for Ed.

Lisa folded up the sheets they’d used on the couch and went upstairs to get Megan. “Good morning, baby!” she said, reaching into the crib to pick her up. She tried to stay focused on the care of her little baby. It would be so easy to let her slide down the scale of priority because she was such an undemanding little thing. To prevent that from happening, Lisa would always put her first. Lisa would brush her teeth and get dressed, but then it would be all about Megan unless she was safe in her crib sleeping. So she changed the baby’s diaper and sat down in the rocking chair to nurse her. When she was in this position, she decided she would not think about Ed or Dan or what had transpired the night before. When Megan finished, Lisa dressed her and put her in her play yard, toys within reach. Tiptoeing into the master suite, Ed was up and dressed.

“Oh, do you think you should go into work today? Dan said he’d take you to the doctor later this morning.”

Ed looked at her, confused. “Why wouldn’t I?” he said. “There’s only two more days. I’ll see the doctor next week.”

Lisa didn’t relish having him home, moping around all day, and he seemed lucid and in a better mood.

“Yes, of course. I’ll get your breakfast.” She picked up Megan again and went down to the kitchen. She made toast and coffee for Ed and heated up rice cereal for Megan. Spooning the cereal in to her mouth, she didn’t notice Ed leaving the house without eating or saying goodbye until she heard the garage door opening and saw him back out of the driveway. Her phone rang as she watched him. It was Dan.

“All charges were dropped,” he said simply.

“Ed went to work,” Lisa said. “Do you want to call him yourself?”

Dan agreed to make the call. Neither mentioned what had transpired the night before. They said goodbye and hung up.

“Come on, baby,” Lisa said. “Let’s go pick up granny and go to the farm.” She grabbed the diaper bag and her purse, and she and Megan headed to Babylon.

Pam was waiting in the doorway and came out waving when Lisa pulled up. Seeing her mother’s smiling face, Lisa felt the heat flooding her body; the first acknowledgment since the act itself that she’d betrayed her in some way. She wasn’t going to rationalize it. Sleeping with someone’s boyfriend the day after a breakup was wrong, no matter how you looked at it. Pam opened the door and slid in.

“Tomorrow, I’ll pick you up. It’s really out of your way to drive here,” she said.

“Okay, that sounds good,” Lisa said, and then measuring her words, she told Pam about the charges being dropped. “Dan called with the news.”

“Oh,” Pam said. “I suppose I’ll have to accept the fact that he’s in your life.”

“He’s going to use his resources to get Ed help,” Lisa said.

Pam looked out the window. “I’ll have to see how much it bothers me to see him at the farm. It will determine whether or not I keep doing this, no matter how much I enjoy it.”

“It seems like it would be difficult,” Lisa said. “Like rubbing salt in a wound.”

“We’ll see,” Pam said. “I’m not making any decisions today.”

“There are other places you can cook, Mother.”

“I like the atmosphere there,” Pam said. “I like the kitchen garden and the greenhouses. All of it. That it belonged to someone I thought loved me was even better.”

Lisa felt sick. “I hope it’s worth it to you.”

Pulling up to the farm, Lisa could see Dan’s Porsche pulled in front of the mess hall, the sick feeling coming over her again. Pam got baby Megan out of her car seat while Lisa unfolded her stroller. Dan was waiting for them, standing with his arms folded over his chest.

“Oh God, maybe I’m making a mistake by not forgiving him,” Pam said, whispering.

Lisa stumbled on a piece of gravel, trying not to barf. If Pam made a play for Dan, what would he do? If he’d been sincere the night before, he’d have to resist her. But if he’d lied about loving Lisa, about wanting her ever since the first time they’d met, if it had been spur-of-the-moment lust, he might be tempted to go back with Pam. She certainly had more materially to offer him than Lisa did.

“You’ll know soon enough,” Lisa mumbled so only she could hear.

When they reached the kitchen door, Dan was holding it open for them to pass through, smiling. “How are you both today?” he said, taking the stroller from Lisa. “How about if I push her majesty around the parking lot while you two cook?”

“Okay,” Lisa said. “Thank you.” She determined that Pam was out of the vicinity and wiggled her nose at Dan, who laughed. He turned away with the baby.

Pam was putting an apron on and threw one toward Lisa. “Let’s make biscuits,” she said. “If you’ll fry bacon this morning, I’ll make the dough.”

Lisa got a large package of bacon out of the refrigerator while Pam measured flour and shortening out and started to knead it. She rolled it out and cut rounds out with a drinking glass.”

“What goes good with rolls?” Pam asked.

“Cheese scrambled eggs,” Lisa said.

“That sounds good,” Dan said, pushing the stroller into the kitchen from the mess hall.

Lisa lost her appetite seeing him. She needed to pull it together. If they were going to have a secret relationship, she couldn’t get sick every time she saw him. Lisa looked at her mother, who was rolling biscuit dough with a vengeance.

Lisa put the cooked cheese scrambled eggs into large stainless-steel steamer pans as each batch was finished. The rolls were coming out of the oven with a golden crust, piping hot. Pam brushed melted butter over the tops. Helpers Dan had recruited came in to set up the serving line, and in a few minutes, they opened the doors to the hall, and hungry farm workers filed in. Lisa stood at the end of the line, putting slices of bacon on plates the workers offered up.

Dan stood off to the side, pushing Megan back and forth in her stroller as she napped, watching Lisa. He wasn’t aware of it, but Pam was watching him, debating whether or not she still wanted him in her life. He had the most beatific expression on his face, and she walked toward the doorway to see what it was he was looking at with such admiration. Or who. Because when she stepped through the opening her daughter, Lisa was the first person she saw, licking her lips in a seductive way, subtly gyrating her hips dancing to music on the radio. Dan nodded his head in her direction, and then they both laughed. It only took seconds, but Pam saw the interaction between her Lisa and Dan, and she didn’t need any other confirmation. Her gorge rose, and she stumbled over the threshold of the kitchen, running to the bathroom in back until the feeling passed. She looked up in the mirror, the fluorescent lights wrecking havoc with her skin and makeup.

How long had it been going on? She put her head in her hands. She had to confront Lisa right away. Was this months in the making? Or recent? She’d been with them both, and they’d admired each other in what she thought was a loving way, not what she just witnessed. He was lusting after Lisa, almost in a daze. Her years of denial, of turning the other way, had brought her to this moment. She was not going to allow them to get away with it for one second. When they were done serving breakfast and Lisa brought the empty pans in to load into the dishwasher, Pam stood off to the side, observing while trying to stay focused on the clean up. There was definitely something sexual going on between her daughter and her former lover. The sooner she finished in the kitchen, the sooner she’d be able to confront Lisa. She never needed to speak to Dan again for the rest of her life. But Lisa, Lisa would face her whether she liked it or not.

Neither Dan nor Lisa noticed Pam’s abrupt change in countenance; they were too wrapped up in each other. Lisa was spooning scrambled eggs into Megan’s mouth while Dan looked on, laughing and commenting about the baby’s appetite. After she was finished eating, Megan got busy wiping down surfaces. She went out to the dining room to clean the tables, leaving Dan in the kitchen with Pam, but they didn’t speak. Pam was incredulous that three days before, he’d propositioned her for sex while they were in her bedroom, and now he didn’t notice her staring at him. Her anger increased exponentially while she cleaned. At eleven, they were finished.

“Let’s go,” Pam said curtly to Lisa. “I’ll wait for you in the car.”

Lisa assumed her mother wanted to get away from Dan and nothing more. She wasn’t aware that Pam had made her observations or that she’d behaved inappropriately in front of her mother.

“I’ll be right behind you,” Lisa said. She gathered up Megan’s things and pushed the stroller out of the mess hall, waiting while Dan locked up.

“I’ll call you later,” Dan said softly.

“Okay,” Lisa answered. She and Megan made their way toward the car while Dan got into his car. She could hear the roar of the engine when he started it, and the crunch of the tires on gravel as he pulled off. She reached her car and got the baby into the car seat and the stroller folded up and stashed in the back.

“Whew! That’s a lotta work,” she said, getting into the seat. She buckled her seat belt and leaned forward to put the key in the ignition. “Are you tired, too?” She glanced up at Pam, and knew by the expression on her face something was wrong.

Pam was ghostly pale, with pinched nostrils and lips set in a thin line. She was not exactly grimacing. Leering at her daughter was more descriptive. Lisa decided not to pretend, not to ask what was wrong. Clearly, Pam had seen something that incriminated Lisa, and when she was ready, she’d make her accusations. Lisa’s goal was to get her and Megan home safely and in one piece. She’d drop Pam off at the beach. She wasn’t having the conversation in front of the baby or while she was driving.

They drove in silence for the next forty minutes, Lisa feeling more and more like a high school girl who’d been caught having sex with the volleyball coach. She was relieved when the house came into view.

“Come in,” Pam said.

“Mom, I can see you’re pissed. I want to take Megan home with me, and we can have it out on the phone. I’m not fighting with you here. Not in front of the baby.”

“You! You are the one person who I thought I could count on,” Pam said, anger seeping out of her pores.

“Yes, well, you were wrong,” Lisa said, and Pam took it like a slap. “I’m not going to make excuses, Mom. It is what it is. Isn’t that what you said Daddy used to say? Things just happen for no reason.”

“Answer one question for me, will you? Just one. How long has it been going on? Months? A year?”

Lisa didn’t want to admit to anything, but she knew they’d been caught. “Last night. It started last night.”

Pam looked at her, the blood flooding her face. “He couldn’t even wait one day to attack my daughter? What a monster,” she said, and Lisa was getting frightened because she’d never seen Pam so angry.

“Close the door, Mother. I want to go home. Call me in an hour, and we can talk then. Or call Dan. But I’m not sitting in your driveway, fighting.”

Pam slammed the door with such force, Megan jumped in her little seat.

“Oh, poor baby,” Lisa said, looking back at her. “Let’s go home,” She pulled out of the driveway and aimed the car toward Smithtown, hand shaking, lips trembling.

Pam marched into her house, furious, slamming the door behind her. She threw her purse with such force it slid across the terrazzo into the kitchen. She picked up her telephone and punched in Dan’s number. He picked up at the first ring.

“How long did it take you to slime your way into my daughter’s life?” she asked, seething.

He didn’t speak, but she could hear him breathing. She went into the kitchen and got a bottle of wine out of the refrigerator.

“Did she tell you?” Dan asked, stalling.

“She didn’t have to,” Pam said. “I’m not blind. I watched you staring at her, practically licking your chops. I saw her respond.” She went to the veranda with the phone and the glass of wine and wondered why she’d bothered to call him. She decided to count to ten, and if he hadn’t responded by then, she was hanging up.

At the count of six, he finally spoke. “It just happened. I never even thought of her in that way before,” he lied. “I wouldn’t have even allowed myself to be in that position if you and I were still together.”

Pam gave a loud cackle that startled him. “I see. You didn’t even wait twenty-four hours. Give me that long to ask you back in my life. I thought about it, even said something to my daughter about talking to you while we were driving in this morning. What a sucker! So what are you going to do now? She’s married to a sick man.”