I really didn't think things could get much worse than the day of my birthday, but I was wrong. Things could get much
worse and they did about a week after the cake incident.
I was sitting in my room at the computer with the girls in the chat room. We were talking about my birthday.
divinethinspiration says:
i feel like a jerk.
bodaciousbod says:
no way. not ur fault. cake is evil. yr dad should understand.
nevertoothin says:
my mom tried that last year. i ate it and then threw up all night.
divinethinspiration says:
everyone was upset
bodaciousbod says:
so not ur fault. u have a right to be who u want.
divinethinspiration says:
yeah. i do, dont i. i want to be thin and beautiful.
bodaciousbod says:
everyone wants to be thin and beautiful. just not everyone has willpower to do it. not brave enough to do what it takes.
nevertoothin says:
anyone who says they don't want to be thin is lying. they say we're stupid and gross for purging but they just don't have the guts. lol
divinethinspiration says:
hahaha, that's what i always thought but i thought maybe i was nuts.
lookingforlight says:
ur not nuts. don't put yourself down like that. ur a good person who wouldn't want to hurt anyone on purpose. u can't control everything around you. it's not ur fault.
bodaciousbod says:
nah, it's your family who r nuts. mine too
lookingforlight says:
thats not really fair either. maybe no one is nuts. just misunderstood.
bodaciousbod says:
and that's why we call her looking for light ⦠always looking for the good in crazy people who are out there trying to make us all fat with their conspiracies and evil ways!
I often had my earphones on when I was on the computer, listening to my downloads, so I couldn't hear if anyone called me or even came into my room. It was never really an issue, given that everyone pretty much stayed out of my way. I didn't
hear my mom's voice until it was right beside me.
“Madison!” Mom's voice blended with the music and confused me for a second until she reached over and pulled the headphones off my head.
“What are you doing?” I asked, grabbing at the headphones while trying to shut down the computer at the same time.
“Don't turn it off. I want to see what you're doing.” Mom actually took my arm by the wrist and moved it away from the keyboard. I shook her off and looked at her as if she had lost her mind. Dad was standing a couple of feet behind her, looking uncomfortable and upset.
“What are you doing?” I repeated, more loudly this time.
“I told you. I want to see this. I paid for the computer and I pay for the Internet service so I guess I can look at what you're using it for until all hours of the morning,” Mom said, leaning over to read the screen. I hadn't had the brains to shut off the screen even, so everything was there right in front of her. She stood there reading for a minute, shaking her head. I didn't say anything because the reality of what was happening hadn't really sunk in. It had never occurred to me that anyone knew what I was doing. I figured everyone was asleep when I was with my friends.
“What are you thinking?” she demanded, turning to look at me. Her eyes were shiny as if she had been crying again, and her face was red. She looked as angry as I'd ever seen her.
“What is the problem?” I said. “It didn't cost anything. Everyone uses the Internet. Not just me.”
“It's not about money. Look at what you're doing.”
“What is the problem?” I asked again. I didn't see why she
was so mad. “It's a free site. It's a free world. I'm just talking to my friends.”
“Madison, these sites are for girls who are sick. These things they are saying are horrible. The pictures are even worse!” Her voice seemed to be shaking.
“When did you see the pictures?” I asked, which I guess wasn't the point, but I wanted to know.
“I suspected what you were doing all night, and this morning you left your computer on so I checked your favorites. I don't know which one you're spending all your time on, so I looked at everything. The chats, the pictures, the so-called expert information. Don't you know what this is? These are all girls with serious problems, Madison! They're starving themselves and this Internet garbage makes them think it's OK. It makes you think it's OK!” Mom stopped and sat down on my bed. She closed her eyes for minute. There were tears leaking out from under her lids.
“You went on my computer. You think my leaving it on was some kind of open invitation to invade my privacy? These girls don't have problems. They're not sick. They're just making a choice for themselves. You're the one who's sick. So paranoid that you would actually sneak into my room like that!” I couldn't believe my ears. I couldn't believe I had been so totally out of it this morning that I had actually walked out of my room leaving myself logged in. Then again, it never, ever occurred to me that my mother would take that as permission to look. It was like reading someone's diary! I mean, I never saw her as the world's greatest respecter of privacy but this was going too far, even for her. My mother had no defense here. Unreal.
“Don't make this about me. I did what any mother would do. It's my job to protect you and I'm not going to apologize for doing it. This is about you and these girls you think are so wonderful. You think these girls are talking about choice? They're making a choice? What kind of a choice is it to decide to stop eating and hurt yourself and anyone who loves you? Who would choose that?” Mom was getting pretty close to yelling so I decided I could yell right back at her.
“I can't believe you see it that way! You're talking like they're â we're â all a bunch of monsters or something. That we don't care about anyone but ourselves!”How could she be so blind?
“I don't think any of you are monsters. You're all little girls who are trying to figure out big problems. You need to talk to real, live human beings who can help you.”
“Newsflash, Mom. These are real live human beings, just like me. You don't have to see someone for them to be real. And they do help me. They're the only ones who understand me and don't think I'm stupid or something. You're just proving that even more right now. You don't get any of it at all.” I felt like crying myself but I wouldn't let the tears come.
“They don't love you. I love you. I want you to be well and happy. All of these girls need someone, an adult to help them. I want to find someone to help you.” Mom's voice softened. I wasn't buying the whole calm voice persuasion tactic.
“No, you just want me to be fat. You never supported my diet ever. I had to do this all by myself. I needed to find some answers. I don't regret it at all. I found some real friends for the first time in my life.”
“Why on earth would I want you to be fat? That doesn't even make sense. I just want you to be healthy. And you have always had friends, Maddie. You aren't seeing things clearly these days. You're scaring me. You're my baby. I just want to make sure you're well.” Mom reached out to stroke my hair, but I pulled away from her.
“I'm not sick. I'm fine. Stop saying I'm sick. I'm fine!” I sounded like a demented parrot but I couldn't find another way to tell her. She didn't want to listen and I was tired of talking.
“Madison, I can't let you keep on talking to these girls. I can't let you be a part of it. And I don't want you going off and finding another site. We're taking the computer out of your room today. You can use the one in the living room.”
“Are you kidding me? You can't do that! I'm not some little kid! You can't make me use the computer in the living room so you can spy on me! It's bad enough that you spied on me in my own room!”
“It's the only thing I can think of right now. I want to help you and you won't let me. This is the only thing I can do.” Her voice sounded tired, but I didn't care.
“You aren't helping me. You're just messing everything up! This is the only thing I look forward to! These are the only people who understand me! They're the only ones who stop me from feeling like crap! You can't do this!” I felt panicky. I couldn't believe what she was saying. I didn't want to be all alone. She couldn't do it.
“I'm sorry, Madison, it's all I can do. Your dad is going to take your computer out now.” Dad had been standing there quietly, like a roadie waiting for his cue from the star of the
show. He stepped forward at my mother's words. He looked uncomfortable and upset, but I didn't care about him either.
“No!” I screamed it. “You have no right! This is my life! I can live it the way I want! You have no right!”
“I'm sorry, Madison. We have to start somewhere. We will get you some help. We've been talking to some people who are able to help you.” My mom was still doing the talking. My dad seemed to be standing in suspended animation, like he didn't know what to do. No matter what he chose, he would totally upset one of us. Looking back, it was probably tough for him, but at the time I could only see that it was tough for me. Not just tough. Unbearable.
“I don't need help!” I yelled and jumped to my feet. I knocked the computer screen off the table where it fell to the floor and smashed. I stood a minute and looked at it. I looked at my parents. Steve came running in the door, looking frightened. He seemed wide awake and had probably been listening at the door. Another spy. He looked like he was going to say something, but my mother shook her head at him and he just stopped and stood there staring at me.
“There. Now you don't have to worry about it. It's broken. Here, let me finish it.” I gave the screen a kick and then took the computer tower and smashed it on the floor before my parents had time to react.
“Madison, stop that!” My dad finally moved again, stepping forward to stop me from smashing the rest of the computer pieces, but I was done. I stood and looked at my family, my tears finally letting loose.
“Please get out. Just leave me alone. Please,” I pleaded
with them. I was so terribly tired. I needed to be alone. My parents looked at me for a moment. My mother turned away first and reached back for my father's hand. He looked at me again and then left with her. Steve stood there for another minute. He had the same look in his eyes that he did the day he tore all the ligaments in his knee playing soccer. He looked like he wanted to say something to me but I guess he couldn't think of anything because he just shrugged his shoulders and left.
They all left me alone with my broken computer, random pieces of my life scattered all over the floor.
I looked at the shards of my friends and felt the floodgates open. I cried until my eyes were as dry as sandpaper and there were no more tears anywhere in my body.
When my parents came to me a couple of days later and told me that I was going to a special place in the city where nice people would help me, I didn't even argue. It didn't matter anymore. Nothing mattered any more.
May 20
So many days of writing out my past and I'm becoming less and less sure of who I really am. It's like looking in a mirror and being unable to recognize the face staring back at me, wondering what this stranger is really thinking about.
I thought I had this all figured out. Looking back, I was sure I knew what I was doing. I have a right to do what I want with my own body, and so I did it. I wasn't hurting anyone, including myself. I knew this absolutely. I had it confirmed by my GWS and everything. My parents and Annie were wrong and I was right. Simple.
I was in this godforsaken prison for dieters due to a lack of understanding on my family's part. Period. Paragraph. End of the story.
But as I read some of the stuff that has happened over the past couple of years I am starting to wonder a little if I absolutely knew what I was doing after all. Not that I think I've been totally wrong here or anything. But I'm starting to wonder a little. It's hard to put it into words, which is something pretty new for me because putting things into words is one of my best tricks.
But when I look at my own words, and read back the part about losing my best friend, I don't know what to say anymore. When I read it to myself it's like I'm stepping back and looking at my own words through someone else's eyes. Not that I want to give her any credit, but I'm starting to think that maybe Red was on to something with the whole writing assignment.
So, the next time I sat there and started reading it, I made myself actually remember it. I thought about Annie and who she is, and who she always was to me. Then I read it again, only this time, I switched the roles. I put myself into Annie's place and put her into mine. I tried to see what Annie had seen. I tried to imagine how I would feel if I thought Annie was sick and couldn't help herself. Wouldn't I do anything I could to make it right for her? Wouldn't I tell anyone I had to that I thought there was something wrong? It's like that kid with the scars on her arms. I didn't tell and I should have. I can see that now. If it were Annie, I would tell. I would shout it from the top of the tallest building in town, which isn't very
tall, but I would still do it. I would tell my mom and her mom and the teacher and the doctor and the dog down the lane if I thought it would help her. I would do what I thought I had to do to help my very best friend. Even if I was wrong in her eyes, I would still do it if I believed it was right for her. At least, I hope I would.
My very best friend. I could feel the tears welling up and decided not to fight them. I needed to cry. I had messed up. All this time, I'd been so angry and so sure that I was right and she was wrong. Now she was gone and I was here and I didn't know how to fix it. I screwed everything up! I pushed her out of my whole stupid life and all she was trying to do was help me because she thought I was in trouble.