I remember something Renée said—that he looked better than the last time she saw him. What could she have meant by that?
I’m pretty sure she was wrong about him not hating me, but somehow I find it doesn’t bother me so much. He can hate me if he needs to. It’s okay. But if she’s right, and there’s anything I can do to help, I can’t let that chance slip by.
I’m surprised at the intensity of my desire for him to be happy.
I don’t snap out of my thoughts until the stylist is already massaging shampoo into my scalp. Renée hovers, barking instructions at the woman, who mostly ignores her as she sifts critically through my hair.
Three hours, several tubs of paste, and a spaceship-esque conical
thing
that went over my head later, the deed is done. My hair is several inches shorter, layered, and slightly puffier. It floats around me like a cloud. She’s evened out the highlights until my whole head glitters gold.
“Thank you, it’s lovely,”
I stammer. It really is.
“Grow it out too long, you lose control of your style,” the woman clucks. She fluffs up the edges before turning to Renée, who gives an approving nod. Renée pays before I even see the amount, which is probably a good thing, because I don’t know if I could handle it.
I thank Renée over and over again until she finally holds a finger to my lips.
“Anything else?” Renée asks eagerly as we exit the salon. “I can tell you don’t wear makeup, and you really don’t need it, but we could go for facials if you like.”
“Thank you so much, Renée, but I should probably go back to campus,” I say guiltily. “I…want to talk to Sebastian.”
Delighted, she kisses both my cheeks. “He won’t be able to resist you with your new look. And may I suggest that you wear that dress we bought?”
I can’t help but wonder if she’s been dolling me up to make it harder for Sebastian to reject me. The idea makes me smile—it’s sweet of her to try, but I know I’m not beautiful, and no amount of pampering is going to change that. There’s no way Sebastian would ever care about me in a romantic sense. The best thing I can do is hope to be his friend. That’s what he needs, so it’s what I want. Besides, I’m never going to fall in love.
All I have to do is ignore the twinge in my chest.
Renée gives me a ride back to school, the sun dipping lower towards the ocean, splashing colors across the water that almost killed Sebastian. I wonder if I should tell her about that—but there’s no doubt Sebastian would be infuriated with me. I’ll try to stop him swimming at night on my own.
Renée drops me off next to my building, first making sure I can carry all the bags on my own. She looks like a model, her face upturned and aglow with sunset-light. Sebastian’s father must be head-over-heels for her. “Thank you so much, May.”
“No, no—thank you!” I cry. “You did all this for me…”
“But you’ve done something much more important for me.” She hops out to give me a quick squeeze. “We’ll be in touch. I want us to see more of each other, May.”
“I’d love to,” I say, marveling again at the idea that such a classy, beautiful woman would want anything to do with me.
When the car drives off, I wave until it disappears around the bend in the road. Then I heave all my new clothing bags into my hall,
maneuvering to my door and elbowing it open. Opal’s on her bed, headphones in and eyes closed. She doesn’t open them until I dump the bags on my bed.
“Oh hi, May.” She stretches and yawns. We’ve gotten a little more familiar since my first night here, but I can’t help but remain a little suspicious of her. She rolls onto her stomach and grins. “Guess what I heard? Sebastian Crane—spotted at a club with some long-haired new transfer student. Man, you are getting such a good start on this bet it’s unbelievable.”
I try not to look uncomfortable. “Yeah, I thought he could use a night out, so…”
“And he said yes?” She covers her face with amazement. “
You have no idea how unbelievable that is. I’m totally gonna lose the bet! Oh, what’s all that stuff?”
“Clothes,” I say, wondering how to explain all the bags. “I, um…went shopping.”
She whistles, jumping off her bed to help me unpack everything. “Wow! This stuff is amazing! Your hair looks great too. Sebastian definitely won’t be able to resist you now. Ooh, this dress is so pretty. Try it on! I have to see how it looks.”
I can’t help but smile a little. “Okay. Let me change.”
The dress really does look nice. It’s white and printed with violet flowers. And it does my boobs some big favors. I turn sideways in the mirror, startled at a body that looks nothing like the one I’m used to.
“Let me do the hair,”
Opal gushes, pinning my new hair into this fancy bun-thing. She looses a few tendrils to frame my face, and before I can escape, attacks my eyes with a stick of something dark and smoky.
“
You shouldn’t have to put all this effort in when I’m not even going out,” I protest, drawing back.
“It’s nice to get dressed up just for fun sometimes.” She spins me toward the mirror again.
“Isn’t it?”
With my eyes like that, I look mysterious. Definitely not like myself. I kind of like it. The girl staring back at me looks almost fearless—the kind of girl who could help Sebastian fight his demons.
Someone knocks.
“I got it.” It’s probably Tanner, come to scowl at me for running after S
ebastian at lunch. Ugh, and he’ll probably make fun of me for the makeup, but there’s no time to wipe it off. I fix my best defiant glare on my face and open the door.
It’s Sebastian.
His eyes are on the ground at first, and he draws them up with a flash of something between determination and apology, but the sight of me drives away whatever words he was preparing. His eyes widen minutely and he turns a shade paler. Oh, God—I must look like a clown and I’ve freaked him out.
I can feel my face heat up. “Oh…hi.”
When he gets control of himself again, he says in a low voice, “I want to talk to you.”
“Let me give you guys some privacy!” It’s
Opal, barely disguising the shock in her voice. She casts me a wink before she flees the room with her purse, but I catch sight of something I can’t quite define in her eyes.
“Come in,” I say hastily, pushing the door open wider. “I’m sorry it’s such a mess in here—I haven’t totally gotten everything put away yet…”
I’m babbling, too amazed by the fact that Sebastian is in my room. Amid my tawdry posters and faded bedcovers, he looks even more like something mythical—some beautiful god, maybe, but not a nice one. His jaw’s tense, and there’s a struggle in his eyes. When he opens his mouth, I get the sense that he’s going to say something important, but all he says is, “Your room is as childish as you.”
I seize my teddy bear and fling him unceremoniously into my closet. “Oh, my roommate must have left her stuffed animal on my bed! How weird!” I say, aware even as I speak that my voice goes up about fifty decibels when I’m lying.
And then I realize that he winced as soon as he made that comment. For reasons I can’t grasp, he looks furious with himself. Or maybe he’s furious with me and I’m misinterpreting it. I take a deep breath. “Sebastian, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you today. I understand why you ran out—your stepmom seems really worldly and I understand that you were probably embarrassed to have her see you with someone—well, with someone like me. I know I’m a mess and I didn’t mean—”
He takes a swift step toward me and before I can move, his hands are on my shoulders. His fingers press hard into my back and he bows his head slightly. “Stop.
Please.”
“I’m sorry, I know I talk too much,” I whisper. The feel of his touch has sent a current rolling through my skin. Suddenly the room feels much smaller. “I just wanted you to know that I understand—”
He covers my mouth, like he did behind the hedge. This time it’s more gentle, but desperate as well. “Don’t punish me like this.”
“Punish…you…?” I murmur into his skin.
He rips away. “No part of what I did was your fault. I’m the coward who left you alone with that scheming woman. I’m the bastard who said those things to you.”
His hands are in fists so tight they look almost painful. Without thinking, I take his hands and unfurl them. They soften immediately at my touch. His nails have left red indents in his palms.
“Sebastian, you…you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not upset…”
“Don’t you dare absolve me,” he mutters. “I don’t deserve it.”
I feel like a window has been opened and this is what’s behind it, what Sebastian tries to hide behind ice—a depth of self-loathing so intense I can almost feel it in the air.
I let go of his hands and smack him lightly on the side of the head.
The self-hatred in his eyes lessens enough for me to see that he’s surprised. Slowly, he reaches up to touch the place where I hit him.
“
There. You’re punished,” I say cheerfully. “You did snap at me a bit, but it’s okay. People lose their tempers sometimes. I forgive you because that’s what friends do.”
He’s silent for a minute. He collapses into a sitting position on the bed beside me—I hadn’t even noticed I’d sat down. “How can you call me your friend? I’ve been nothing but cold to you.”
I shrug, smiling. “I’m stubborn. And I like you.”
“That or you want something,” he mutters.
I open my mouth, about to dispel this notion, but then I remember Opal’s bet. It’s something I keep forgetting. The surprise of it shuts me up. I might as well be manipulating him to get that job for my mom. Am I a horrible person?
And then I realize, with absolute surety, that I’m not doing this because of
Opal. If she’d never made that wager, I’d still be here. Because I’ve been drawn to Sebastian from the moment I saw him swimming. And I can’t shake the overwhelming sense that he needs help.
“It’s not that,” I say. “I just…think you’re worth getting to know. You’re
so dedicated, and smart. And I think you really are a kind person, even if you try to hide it.”
“
Everyone else has stayed away from me as soon as I spoke to them,” he says in a rough voice. “Why do you keep trying?”
“Why do you let me?” I counter, my heart racing.
The air is charged with a thousand volts of electricity. I can almost feel my hair stand on end. He stares deep into my eyes for a long moment, and I see the pain that he’s usually so careful to bury. Then he slides his hand around the back of my exposed neck. His fingers are shaking very slightly.
“You affect me in ways you cannot imagine,” he says, his tone ravaged. “I bury things by being cruel to people, but…it hasn’t worked with you.”
“Sebastian,” I whisper.
He’s incredibly close. I can feel the heat radiating from his body. He draws me in
and then his lips are on mine. The impact knocks me from this planet to the next. My eyes fly open and then sink closed as the impossibly perfect sensation starts at my lips, white-hot, and spreads over me like fire. I’ve lost track of time, of the ability to breathe. The warmth is almost suffocating. He’s controlling himself, but barely—beneath the surface of the kiss I can sense something endlessly black and roiling, pure passion, and I want to be consumed by it—
His arm slides over my back and our bodies are pressed together, his chest hard and powerful, his heartbeat nearly outstripping mine.
My skin is alight. I wouldn’t be surprised if I was glowing. I feel animal-hungry, and his lips move against mine like he could rip out my very soul—
Then he breaks away. It’s like having the oxygen torn from my lungs. I gasp, touching my swollen lips. “Sebastian…”
“I had to,” he manages. “Just once. Before…”
“Before what?” I can barely catch my breath.
“I can’t let myself hurt you, May.” He stands, the pain still in his eyes. It transforms his perfect face, making him look more vulnerable. “This will be the last time we speak. My gift to you.”
It takes me a minute to make sense of his words.
By the time I do, he’s already striding out the door. It shuts before I remember how to stand. I stand up and immediately trip, bruising my elbow on my dresser, and chase him into the hallway—but it’s too late.
He’s gone.
SEBASTIAN
After Mom died, I swore to be strong.
I’ve let her down. I’m nothing but weak.
That kiss barely penetrated the surface of my desire. I want May. There’s no denying that now. I want to take her. Claim her. Make her mine. The kiss was—
A mistake. A loss of control. The guilt over what I’d said to her, the realization that I’d left her, like a coward, at my stepmother’s mercy—I had to find her. Apologize. When I saw her, it was like a demon possessed me. I had to have just the tiniest sliver of her.
She wanted more. I could feel it. The way she pushed against me. Kissed me back. Left me breathless.
If I gave in, I could have her.
But I can’t give in.
Can’t let her get close. I know what happens to people when I let them get close.