Read Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape Online
Authors: Marsha Petrie Sue
There are always people judging you, so remember the other side of toxic behavior and how people view you. How do you think you are perceived at work? Do you work well with others? Play by the rules, and you will win the game!
Take 1: How They Sound
Late as usual! Jerry huffed into the meeting, dramatically pulled out the large leather chair, and spread his papers over his allotted space at the conference table. After a quick glance at the agenda he had approved, he loudly said, “Morgan, I’ve already told you not to distribute the agenda before I arrive. Do I need to remind you again? Or perhaps I should get you, my assistant, a keeper.”
Morgan sheepishly explained that the group had requested the agendas so they could begin the meeting to save time. Pounding on the table, Jerry bellowed, “I buy everyone’s time, and I will determine how it is used!” Not surprisingly, Jerry’s brainstorming meeting was unsuccessful, because everyone was too terrified to speak.
So, what would you do in this situation? Would you know how to identify the kind of Toxic Person depicted in this example?
Could you respond appropriately to create a more productive environment?
Names Will Never Hurt Me
Steamrollers, like Jerry, can also be known as exploders, dominators, tyrants, dictators, bullies, autocrats, oppressors, persecutors, or tormenters. We all have had at least one of these in our lives as an authoritative parent, boss, colleague, or friend. They are not much fun to be around.
What to Look For
Steamrollers are very intimidating. Their favorite stance is to get control by putting others down, and they do this very subtly. They like to rule from a command post and attack without warning so they are in the power position. Typically, they are fast to attack and quick to anger. Being judgmental is part of the package, and they love to say no to changes they haven’t initiated, because that way they keep control of the power. Listening to new ideas and suggestions for the implementation of new and innovative processes does not play well because of Steamrollers’ rigidity. When they are angered, they are loud and their volume is usually elevated to command attention.
Steamrollers want you to interpret their messages in ways that will further intimidate you and make you question your approach to them. This is what they want you to hear:
“Don’t expect me to be part of the charm brigade.”
“I won’t give you a fair break no matter how hard you try.”
“Give in to me and I won’t hurt you.”
“Let me have my own way or I will humiliate you and carry a grudge.”
“Defer to me and I’ll pretend I like you.”
“If you want to be criticized, ask me to do something.”
“Do not arouse me—I’ll attack.”
The Payoff for the Steamroller’s Toxic Behavior
Steamrollers have figured out that this surly behavior works, and they really don’t care if they are liked. They maintain control and power by bullying people. Since most people fear them, communications from others are limited and the Steamrollers don’t have to take responsibility. They like being feared because people leave them alone.
Survival Tactics
Learn what communication skills and approaches work in dealing with Steamrollers. Listen and be patient. When you don’t get the outcomes you want, understand why and what skill you will polish and improve. Train yourself to be firm and direct while maintaining graciousness.
Don’t give a knee-jerk response or react inappropriately.
Steamrollers are much more clever than you and will triumph every time. When they are on the path of confrontation, wait, pause, and think. And remember—don’t attack. They are better at it than you are, and they have had more practice.
Use their names to get their attention. Interestingly, we all hear our own name over anything else said. Maintain direct eye contact without glaring or giving them a surly look.
You must stay calm. Focus on staying composed by monitoring your tone and volume. Begin by deep breathing to get the oxygen surging from the lower part of your lungs to your brain. When Steamrollers attack, you will have a tendency to revert to the fight-or-flight response—wanting to hit them or run away.
Concentrate on the words you should be using. This simple step will keep you focused and using the strategic part of your brain rather than being entwined in the mental terrorist part of your thinking. Watch your self-talk, because the minute you start saying to yourself, “Well, here we go again. I guess they really are better than I am, so I will just give up,” that’s when you do.
When you get angry, you are giving your power up to the Steamrollers, and that is just what they want. You will rarely win with them.
Mabel knew what she wanted: success and control at any price. She expected her management team to be in early for her leadership meetings. She had no tolerance for child-care issues or illness. If she wanted something completed, she had no problem in requiring that the work be taken home. A few people learned from her because she was very successful in turning around broken departments and building profits, but these people had to have very tough skins. She intimidated much of the staff.
What would you do in this situation? What would your plan be?
Does your Steamroller totally control meetings? Having meeting ground rules (outlined in Chapter 4) is an excellent way to better manage a group setting that includes this upsetting kind of behavior. One ground rule to add is the time-out. If you work with someone who really knows how to push your buttons, say that you are working on being a better communicator and need the person’s help. Continue by explaining, “I want to make sure I am responding appropriately, so when I am not able to do this, I will call a time-out. My promise is that I will come back to you within 24 hours”—or whatever time period is appropriate—“and give you my comments and input. This will save you time and relay better information to you.” Play with the words and outline a couple of sentences that fit with your normal communications. Practice and learn it!
You will see that many of the techniques for dealing with these Toxic People are not exclusive to a single type.
What to Say
Reduce the Steamroller’s impact by considering some of this language:
“It seems we’ve reached a dead end here. Let me think over your ideas.”
“Kim, as I was saying, I have a solution for this problem!”
“That is very true and is definitely a first step. I’d like your ideas on additional steps.”
“You may be right. Help me understand where you are coming from.”
“As professionals, I know this is something we can resolve. Wouldn’t you agree?”
Behaviors to Avoid
With Steamrollers, you must learn not to take their jabs and aggression personally. This is difficult if your feeling of self-worth is below par. Never put yourself down, because one goal of the Steamroller is to feel better at your expense. Stop hiding from them and avoiding them. They will hunt you down and make you pay—in public! In addition, don’t act hurt or be too vulnerable. They will eat you alive. Remember that behaviors fail; you don’t!
Late as usual! Jerry huffed into the meeting, dramatically pulled out the large leather chair, and spread his papers over his allotted space at the conference table. After taking a quick glance at the agenda he had approved, he loudly said, “Morgan, I’ve already told you not to distribute the agenda before I arrive. Do I need to remind you again? Or perhaps I should get you, my assistant, a keeper.”
Morgan replied, “When we all agreed in the last meeting to have ground rules, it included your point of having an agenda that you approve ahead of time. You signed off yesterday on this agenda. I know how busy you are!”
She continued, “Also, you agreed when we set the ground rules to begin and end on time no matter who was missing. So, we were just following your ground rules. It is working well and saving everyone time so we can all be more productive.” She turned to the group and said, “Isn’t that right?” Everyone nodded, and verbal affirmations filled the room. “We have a point person who will bring you up to date on what we have already discussed,” Morgan added. “Jake, why don’t you and Jerry take five minutes to catch up? The rest of us will take a quick biological break. Great. See you all in five minutes. Thank you, Jerry.” Smiling confidently, she picked up her coffee cup and headed for a refill. She knew it had gone well, and she was proud that she had not wavered.
Take 1: How They Sound
Sally was at it again—not contributing to the team brainstorming meeting. Jim, the team leader, was tired of Sally’s lack of participation and concerned because she didn’t seem to be carrying her weight. The entire company was working with limited resources, including minimal staffing numbers, so they needed every single member of the team to commit, communicate, and share their expertise.
Sally had become deadweight and a real pain to the team members who counted on her.
Names Will Never Hurt Me
People like Sally are also known as clams, tight lips, cautious thinkers, madly mysterious individuals, or verbal anorexics. They fail to share their knowledge, opinions, or ideas. By failing to contribute, they become a drag on any work group.
What to Look For
Rarely does the Zipper Lip give good eye contact. Their stance is one of cocooning, including closed body language and typically poor posture. They use escape behavior—“I don’t know” is their way to avoid involvement. Single-word responses like “yes” or “no,” or just a grunt, are typical of the way they choose to communicate. Their total silence and the little facial animation they show in reaction to others’ comments or questions usually heighten the level of frustration for everyone who has to work with them. The difficulty arises because others have no idea what they are thinking. Do they fear making a mistake? Are they trying to be mysterious on purpose to create a sense of power? Does their “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy stem from previous bad experiences with political power plays? Who knows? And most people stop caring!
The fact is, few people care about the reasons for the behavior. They are more upset because the Zipper Lip may as well be absent if he or she just clams up instead of sharing ideas or plans. Mystery may be intriguing in the movies, but it makes collaboration and shared decision making tedious rather than productive.
Most co-workers rightfully interpret the Zipper Lip’s message as a warning against any request or confrontation. The result is that people stop trying to communicate with them. For Zipper Lips, their silence gives them a feeling of control. You learn to leave them alone because you don’t have the skill to deal with the uncomfortable silence. Another observation you may have made is that if you push Zipper Lips too far and keep asking them to share their ideas, they may blow up. It’s a great way for them to keep people at arm’s length. Sometimes, the message is a subtle put-down. Their body language and lack of response can signal, “If you don’t know, I can’t help you,” or “That’s really not something worth discussing.”
The Payoff for the Zipper Lip’s Toxic Behavior
Zipper Lips have little, if any, feeling of personal accountability for the outcome of team. Lack of participation becomes their standard approach. They figure if they say nothing, no one can blame them.
If there is a problem, a missed deadline, or an unhappy client, they are not responsible and therefore don’t have to be part of the solution. They complete whatever task they are assigned: no more and no less. Their pattern of little or no participation keeps them safe—at least in their eyes. Often they don’t actually do anything wrong; they’re just not contributing much. They believe knowledge is power and don’t understand that
sharing
their knowledge is the real power.
Survival Tactics
You must not ignore the Zipper Lip’s silence. Your initial communication with this team member should be conducted in private. Say that you need their help. If fear is a factor in their choice of communication style, then a safe environment must be created or they will pull even further into their cocoon. You also should determine something that they could contribute and get their permission to share it with the group. This can help create the safe environment.
Be patient, because you may have to try this approach several times.
It may also be worthwhile to have others from the team make the same plea to the Zipper Lip to support your request.
Creating communication ground rules with the group, team, or individual is critical for dealing with all difficult behavior types, but especially so with the Zipper Lip. Allow the entire group to identify critical items. Don’t create the list yourself, because it will appear to the group to be contrived and they will not buy in. The final list should look something like this:
General Communication Ground Rules
Your group will have some different items listed. Even if you are not the meeting facilitator, team leader, or manager, you should recommend creating ground rules. The benefit to the group is to save time and make gatherings more productive. I know that half the time you spend in meetings is wasted! So, stop it. Take control, and get as much out of each meeting as possible—especially with the Zipper Lip!
What to Say
Remember that silence is their payoff. Train yourself to identify them in your own mind as Zipper Lips and then ask questions that start with
what
,
why
,
when
,
where
, and
how
. This will help them process your request and make it easier for them to share their thoughts: