They’d all figured out a way to marry the danger of the job with the life they wanted. Connor once thought he had, too, but it had slipped away from him and he wanted it back. He’d grab it no matter how much of his dignity he had to sacrifice to do it.
But he had to get her out of this situation alive first. That meant delivering the news sure to raise her defenses. “You’re going with Cam.”
“Where?” One word loaded with frustration and accompanied by a rush of red to her cheeks bright enough for him to see in the semidarkness.
“What are you doing in this scenario?” Holt asked.
Grateful for the reprieve, Connor went with Holt’s question over Jana’s. “Heading to the charity office and seeing what we have there.”
Cam shot Connor the side eye. “You want backup?”
The conversation kept rolling along but Jana didn’t. She stopped right in the middle of the open. Stood still as if daring him to a debate. “Where am I going with Cam?”
“You need to keep moving.” Connor reached for her but she shrugged away.
She wasn’t stupid. She knew this was the kind of stand he would hate. The way Holt scanned the horizon and grumbled under his breath, he didn’t care for it, either.
Not that the joint foul mood affected her. She crossed her arms and stared Connor down. “Explain what happens after we get into the cars.”
“There’s a private plane at a small regional airport nearby.” Connor had memorized the schematics and had numerous alternate plans. All of them involved getting her back to Maryland and into a secure building. “You and Cam will get on and figure out how to get word to Davis.”
“Without being able to contact us, he could already be on the way here,” Cam pointed out.
A reasonable thought but not one Connor entertained for even a second. “Not possible.”
Holt glanced over his shoulder, finding Connor. “You warned him away?”
“I told him this could all be a scam to attack the office in Annapolis. Lure me out and then go after the house.” The place they all worked but where he and Jana lived.
Davis agreed with the worries. Even if he hadn’t, Connor would have made his second-in-command promise not to send another team out to Utah.
The man had a child on the way. Even more basic than that, Connor had imposed strict rules about the entire team being together. It couldn’t happen. Ever. They split up jobs to eliminate the risk of losing everyone in one horrible moment.
“In other words, we’re on lockdown protocol.” Shane’s voice carried on the quiet night.
“They are all at headquarters—Ben, Joel, Davis and Pax, along with the women. No one leaves. They shoot first.” Connor knew he could depend on Davis to carry out those orders. “And no matter what, they do not follow me out here.”
“Smart, but not that helpful right now.”
“I’m not leaving without you.” Jana talked right over Cam. Her voice stayed soft but the underlying thread of steel was tough to miss as she faced Connor.
He’d seen the argument coming. It took Jana a long time to get there, but she eventually did. “This is nonnegotiable.”
She nodded. “Exactly.”
He glanced around at the rapt audience. They all stared at Connor as if waiting to see how he’d wiggle out of this one. In between watching the area, Connor spied the amused expressions. He knew they’d ride him for months about this.
“I need a second with my wife.” Connor emphasized the word more for her benefit than theirs.
“Okay.” Shane clapped his hands and pointed in the distance. “We’ll check the cars and look for tracks.”
Connor barely listened. All his concentration centered on his wife. The woman with the lifted chin and fire in her eyes in front of him.
Holt still stood there. “But we need to move soon.”
“Yeah. I got it, Holt.”
Connor realized something in his tone must have worked because the men turned away and scattered. They went from watching, with their gazes switching from him to her, to taking off.
Connor opened his mouth but her words stopped him. “No, Connor. Don’t even try.”
“Fine. Get in the car.” He refused to argue about this. Not when the answer seemed so obvious.
“Someone is after me, not you.”
Since she seemed determined to fight, he complied. “They kidnapped you to get to me, which I would point out has always been my fear. That’s the reason behind the drills and weapons lessons. That’s why I ran the background check on the woman you met in exercise class.”
It all seemed reasonable to him. They needed to be cautious. The more the news of the team’s work spread, the more wary he became. There were corporations and countries who wanted Corcoran out of business. That put a target on her back and kept him on edge.
He was about to explain that when she did that woman thing. Made a clicking sound with her tongue as she rolled her eyes. He’d seen the display before and wasn’t a fan of either move.
“Don’t use this situation as an excuse for your paranoia.” Her voice dropped from chilly to ice cold.
Paranoia?
“What is that supposed to mean?”
She waved him off and tried to pivot around him. “Nothing.”
He stepped into her path, blocking whatever hasty exit she had planned. It wasn’t as if she had a lot of options for getting out of here. There wasn’t a road or building for miles. Just acres of tumbled rocks and red sand.
In the category of bad ideas—getting into their personal issues in the middle of nowhere, with gunmen lurking in the darkness somewhere—this was a real contender. “I’m not going to fight with you.”
“Of course not.” She didn’t snort but the sarcasm in her voice sounded like she wanted to.
She lost him again. “Meaning?”
“Why would you bother?”
The conversation slid downhill as their voices rose. He didn’t even know what they were talking about. “Maybe we could take a second and cool off.”
“Fine.” She tucked her hands in the front pockets of her pants and rocked back on her heels. “But I think you just proved my point.”
“Are you kidding me with this? You are my number one priority.” There is no way she could think anything else. “Keeping you safe is all I care about.”
“Exactly.”
Frustration washed over him until he thought he’d drown in it. He threw up his hands because he had no idea what else to say or do. “What are you saying, or trying not to say, while you make me work for it?”
“I want a marriage, not a jailor.”
He stepped in close and ducked his head until they met straight on, face-to-face. “Any chance you’ll soon stop talking in cryptic sentences?”
She blew out a long, exaggerated breath. “Why do you think I left?”
He refused to let his mind wander there. He wanted to believe the decision centered on her being restless, not that she needed space. Not that Marcel offered her something or promised anything.
Truth was, Connor had no idea. They talked daily for the first few weeks. She’d insisted she needed time and that she’d be back, but then the weeks passed into months and the call frequency dipped.
The last few talks ended in fighting because he couldn’t let the Marcel piece go. Connor hated that guy and all he represented—someone with similar interests to hers, who fought beside her once years ago to help people, who didn’t institute precautions designed to protect her but which ticked her off.
Being away from her had ripped him apart. He lied to his team at first, not wanting them to know he’d failed and lost her. Then he stopped offering any excuse and they stopped asking about her.
Only Cam knew Connor had planned to come out and get her. He’d had it set up until Joel got lost on a job in the middle of nowhere West Virginia and took Cam along with him. That delayed everything another few weeks, but Connor was here now. He could say anything.
He went with the soft version of the pain knocking through him. “I think you walked away from me because you wanted something else.”
Her eyes softened and her hand swept over his cheek. “I want you. Only you. That has never changed.”
“As evidenced by the way you traveled thousands of miles away from me and hunkered down for months.” Connor refused to say it. He wouldn’t mention the one name sure to wipe that loving look off her face. He wouldn’t...“With Marcel.”
As predicted, her arm dropped back to her side. “This isn’t about him. This is about us and the importance you place on our marriage.”
A darkness filled his head and flooded everything. It had his vision cutting in and out. “How can you be the only person on this earth who doesn’t see that you are the most important thing in my life? The team gets it, but you refuse to see it.”
“Connor, look—”
“You are my life.” Her mouth opened then closed again. He decided right there he couldn’t take whatever she planned to say. If she wanted to walk away, or be with Marcel or anyone else, Connor couldn’t hear it right now. “We’ll fight about this later. Right now we need to get to the cars.”
They made it one step before Connor heard the clicking. It was faint and unexpected and didn’t fit any weapon he recognized. But it was enough to get him moving. He had a hand wrapped around her arm and started tugging her toward the protective cover of the closest boulder when a chilling boom sent flames rocketing into the sky.
The ground shook and the banging didn’t stop. The rumbling stole his balance and his feet left the ground. A rush of heated wind punched into him and threw him backward.
One minute he held her and the next she was ripped from his grasp. The air caught them and when he landed the world went dark for a second.
He forced his way through the fatigue dragging him down. His head lolled and his back ached. It took him another second to realize he’d been blown off his feet.
Opening his eyes, he stared up into the scattering of stars above him. Then he saw smoke curling up into the sky. Smelled it.
He pushed up onto his elbows and watched orange flames lick and devour the jeeps. The picture registered and then his mind zoomed to his team. They were there. He had sent them into the fiery explosion.
“No!” The anguished cry tore out of his dry throat.
He made it to his knees before arms clamped around him from behind. He struggled until Jana’s voice rose above the roar of the flames.
“You can’t save them,” she said in a haunted whisper.
He tried to shrug her off but his arms weighed so much. Pain pummeled him, pounding in his temples and washing over him with each breath. He had to get up. To try to get them out, but nothing made sense. This couldn’t be happening.
His hip throbbed. Suddenly he heard a steady buzzing.Shaking his head, he tried to clear out the confusion rolling over him. “What is that?”
She froze behind him. “What?”
Then it hit him. “The phone.”
Fumbling and shifting, he grabbed the cell from his pocket. The message from Cam had him blinking.
We’re free. Run.
The words clicked and Connor’s brain rebooted. He struggled to his feet and lifted her up beside him. Smoke filled the air and somewhere the bomber waited. But they had a chance.
She ran a hand over his hair as tears filled her eyes. “I’m so sorry.”
“They’re alive.”
Her head pulled back as she stared up at him. “Are you sure?”
He’d explain later, celebrate later. Right now they still had killers on their tail who were closing in fast. “We have to move.”
Chapter Five
They walked for what felt like miles at a fast clip. Connor had wanted them moving and out of the blaring heat of the sun before the morning hit. He called out orders, or that’s how it sounded in Jana’s head. She tried to chalk his mood up to the whiplash of desolation from the explosion and relief from the call after. He didn’t say it, but she knew he hated being separated from his men.
She also knew her frayed nerves and the dragging exhaustion played tricks on her mind. Every step in the sifting red sand and over the smooth rocks sapped her strength. The heat didn’t help.
They escaped the worst. That came with summer, but the intensity and clear sky didn’t provide much of a buffer. Neither did her dirty and torn clothes.
She walked all over Annapolis, despite Connor’s grumbling, and spent time on a treadmill in the makeshift gym at the house. But after hours of terror and confusion in Utah, her body failed her. She leaned against the cool stone to keep from falling down.
Grimy and sweaty, she wanted a hot shower and a bed and days of sleep. Instead she got a gravel floor and a shaded area about ten feet square where rock walls opened into a sort of cave.
She watched him pace around the entrance to their temporary hiding place. He stared at his cell’s screen as he traveled back and forth over a space little more than a few feet long. “Do you have a signal?”
He didn’t raise his head. “No.”
“No phone and no GPS.”
“Basically.”
The guy could argue and lecture for hours on end but he picked now to switch to monosyllabic responses. Lucky her. “Can you do anything with your watch?”
His shoes skidded on the loose rocks as he stopped and glanced over at her. “Like what?”
“I don’t know.” Her comment seemed silly when he looked at her like that, with the corner of his mouth curled up and his eyes sparkling with mischief, but she’d seen these guys do unbelievable things. Give them a paper clip and a piece of gum and they could rewire a house alarm. It was downright spooky.
“Okay.”
He seemed far too amused for her liking. She thought about telling him to knock it off but when she turned her head the world went wavy. With a hand against the smooth edge of the stone she regained her balance.
When she saw his eyes narrow in concern, she blurted out the first thing to pop into her head. “It’s just that they seem to perform magic sometimes.”
“You should sit down.”
“Because I’m babbling?” She looked over her shoulder to the rocks piled up on the side of one wall. With the stark interior and low illumination, the space resembled a jail cell.
“The bobbing and weaving has me more concerned.” He put a hand on her elbow.
She leaned into him. “I was trying to get your attention.”
He didn’t smile at her joke. “Well, you have it.”
“So that’s what it took.”
His fingers tightened against her skin. “Excuse me?”
“Nothing.” If she were a different type of woman she might fall down more often. Anything to get him to show a reaction. But games didn’t appeal to her. She wanted a marriage, not a constant battle for control.
“You’ve been up all night and attacked. You deserve some rest.” He pocketed the cell and guided her farther into the cave. “Much longer going like this and you could fall over.”
“You’ve had the same long night, plus a flight.” Yet he bounced back without as much as a dark circle under his eyes.
He wore the same clothes and they managed to look clean. Except for the scuff of dirt on his black shoes, he could walk into any restaurant and not turn a head...except for the female ones attracted to the tall, dark and oh-so-tempting type.
The whole put-together thing was not new. Connor fit into any situation, could slide in unnoticed or command a room. She had sensed his power the first night she met him. He issued orders and older, bigger and gruffer-looking men jumped to obey.
“No one knocked me out and dragged me from my desk.” He smoothed the back of his fingers down her cheek. “The whole tied-up-and-kidnapped thing? That was you, and no matter how much I try I can’t forget it.”
“You were shot,” she said, pointing out the obvious and trying to drag the conversation away from the attack and his guilt. They didn’t need additional reminders. Not now when she needed his mind clear, and focus off what happened to her.
“That’s a different thing.”
She had to smile at that. “Only you would think so.”
He demanded so much of himself. The way he pushed his body and mind stunned her. Truth was, she’d always been a little in awe of his self-control. At the beginning that strength, tethered and formidable, excited her. In the past year it suffocated her.
She knew from experience he’d turn her kidnapping over in his mind, analyze it and dissect it. He’d take on the blame and then double down on his security measures.
That’s how he operated. He closed her out to protect her, or that’s what he claimed. She could never make him understand she craved the closeness he refused to give her.
She sat down on the hard rock and shifted until she found a half-comfortable position. She guessed her butt would either grow sore or go numb in the next few minutes.
He stood over her, hovering, with his feet apart and his hands on his hips. The gun strapped to his side was within easy reach and she knew he had other weapons within a hand’s distance. People hunted them down, the world kept exploding and he acted like they were out on a normal hike.
“How can you be so calm?” She folded her hands on her lap to keep from rubbing them together or fidgeting.
“Practice.”
Another one-word answer. Clipped but not all that clear. “Are you making a joke?”
He exhaled in that put-upon male tone he did so well. “I’m pointing out that I trained for years to handle stress and danger.”
“Your undercover work.” She knew all about it, or as much as he could safely say.
“Yes, and now for Corcoran.”
He worked for years in what she picked up was a CIA splinter group. He did things that shaped him. Talked about how he went from a military family with a sense of honor and commitment to a black ops expert who grew weary of the game. After he rescued her, he got out. It took months and he hid the long, difficult disconnect from her. Even now she didn’t know what he’d promised or sacrificed to start a normal life with her.
Maybe that’s where it started. With all the secrets. With him trying so hard to break away from his past.
“You never talk about it.” The weight of all those years piled up. She kept trying to lift it off him and open the space between them, but he fought her. Not verbally and certainly not physically, but definitely emotionally.
Even now he made a noise between an exhale and a groan as he took the seat next to her. “Talk about what exactly?”
“The years before you met me.”
He rested his elbows on his knees and let his hands hang down between his legs. One thumb rubbed along the calloused palm of his other hand. “They don’t matter.”
The temptation to reach out and skim her fingers down his back kicked strong. The months apart had taken a toll on her. She missed holding him, making love with him. The simple things like cooking breakfast together and laughing over a movie.
Sitting close, smelling his familiar scent, brought it all rushing back in a punch of longing so powerful she almost doubled over from the force of it. But she forced her mind to hold on to the conversation and her voice to remain steady. “Because?”
He peeked over at her. “I didn’t have you.”
This man could bring her to her knees. “You were furious with me an hour ago, making claims about Marcel and fighting everything I said and now you’re being all sweet. A woman could get confused.”
He chuckled. “I know.”
“What changed?”
He reached over and slipped a hand over hers. “Almost getting blown up has a way of shifting a man’s priorities.”
His fingers entwined with hers, sending heat pulsing through her. She didn’t realize she was shaking until that moment. “Do you have any idea why someone wants your attention?”
“And grabbed you to get it?” He rubbed his thumb the back of her hand. “It could be anything. I’ve worked on a lot of cases. Made many enemies.”
Rather than battle him about the kidnapping and how he could not have predicted it or prevented it from his office in Maryland, she let it drop. He was determined to take on the blame for what happened to her and no amount of arguing would change his mind. And they needed all of their energy to reason this through.
She cradled his hand in both of hers. “But why now? Did something happen with a case back home?”
“No.”
“So you guys have all just been sitting around the family room staring at each other? Drinking beer and watching football?”
“Hardly.”
Part of her knew that. Up until recently he used a portion of their telephone calls to talk about the team. He filled her in on Ben and the change in Davis since his marriage. Connor walked her through cases, skipping over details but letting her know what they were all working on.
Being included, even to that small extent, made her ache for home. He kept so much to himself, but he never hid the operations from her. He included her in the conversations. Letting her leave the house without an armed guard was a different thing.
“I’m not hedging.” Connor frowned at her. “Nothing out of the ordinary.”
As if this man or anyone on the team understood the concept of normal. “What does that mean?”
“I don’t know, Jana.” He dropped her hand and stood up again. “The usual stuff. Chasing bad guys, ducking gunfire, racing against time.”
She almost laughed. She went with slumping her shoulders and letting some of the tension run out of her instead. “That list sounds crazy.”
“I know.” He braced a palm against the edge of the rock entrance. He traced a pattern in the dirt with the toe of his shoe. “Laying it out sounds cloak-and-dagger, maybe a bit too Hollywood.”
“You hate that.”
“But the danger is very real. That’s part of why I don’t discuss the details or do anything that would have you wading into danger.” He scoffed. “I guess I failed there since you were tied to a chair a few hours ago.”
“No, it’s not.”
His head shot up and he faced her again. “Excuse me?”
“You keep your feelings about what you do locked inside. You don’t share. You don’t get over it. You push it down and pretend the bad stuff didn’t happen.” Running from the piles of emotional baggage drove him. It was as if he’d be smothered if he ever stopped long enough to relax.
His expression went blank. “It sounds like you’ve given this some thought.”
Every single day since they’d been apart. “I’m serious, Connor.”
“I can see that.”
But he didn’t. He watched her and shot back strained responses, but he refused to walk through any of it with her. To give her a chance to shoulder some of the burden and ease whatever doubts and pain twisted in his gut.
She leaned back and rested her head against the wall. “Forget it.”
“That’s unexpected. You, giving up... Let’s just say I’m not used to it.” He stared at the ceiling and made a face as if he mulling over his words. “Or I wasn’t until you walked out.”
The verbal shot knocked into her. Sliced her clean through.
She needed air. Standing up, she brushed by him on the way to the cave entrance. “How long have you been waiting to say that?”
“Whoa.” He caught her arm and spun her around to face him.
Even though it was childish and stupid, she wanted to look anywhere but at him. Not give him the satisfaction. “Something else you want to add?”
“I shouldn’t have said that.”
Not that she didn’t deserve it. He meant that he should have tamped his anger with her down inside as well. He didn’t say it, but she knew that’s where his mind wandered.
“I left because I felt suffocated.” Because she wanted to get his attention and make him understand.
“You already told me that.”
“Forget it. It’s fine.” With the verbal jabs and the hours of uncertainty on top of months away from each other, they were anything but.
Still, tearing every sentence apart wouldn’t get them anywhere. Not now.
“I give you broad outlines about my work but don’t unload because I don’t want the garbage from all I see and have to do touching you.” His hands rubbed up and down her arms. “I’ve already mixed everything together by having the office in the house and keeping up a steady stream of houseguests when the guys from the team need somewhere to stay.”
“Yeah, so?” The full house, the men coming in and out... That part worked for her. Connor and the guys filled in the pieces of family she’d lost. Having them around, whether they were studying and talking or taking time off and joking, was a bonus, not a burden.
His mouth dropped open. “So?”
“I want the team at the house. That was the deal to keep you close to home and I’m fine with it.”
“Really?”
“Of course.” When he continued to stare at her, she tried again. “They’re family. I wouldn’t just tolerate people coming in and out. I would tell you if it were a problem. It’s not.”
“Probably true but you have to admit the way we live isn’t normal.”
“Do you think anything about our lives is? We met when you rescued me from a kidnapping. We’re together now because someone grabbed me and demanded you come for me.”
Darkness passed over his expression. “I realize I put you in danger.”
She saw the wall of guilt coming at her and couldn’t duck in time. The tension wound around her but didn’t push out her frustration. “You’re not listening to me.”
His hold tightened. “I’m standing right here.”
“But you’re not hearing what I’m saying.”
That jaw clenched and his eyes bulged. “Not for a lack of trying.”
She broke out of his hold. “You are as difficult now as you were when I left.”
“Is that why you took off? My crappy personality?”
Everything circled back to their separation. It was informal and meant to be temporary, but it had stretched into something else. They’d talked through the same issues—her claustrophobia at being watched every minute, his tendency to shut off. Round after round and still they couldn’t wipe it all away and start over.