Uncle John’s Briefs (33 page)

• Fumigating:
Searching a home or office to remove or neutralize any listening devices, or “bugs.”

• The British disease:
A reference to several members of the British upper classes who betrayed their country by becoming spies for the USSR after World War II.

• Sleeper:
A dormant spy; sometimes an employee of a government agency who won’t begin spying until he or she is promoted to a position with access to classified information.

• Smudger:
A photographer.

• Case of the measles:
An assassination made to look like a death from accidental or natural causes.

• Shopworn goods:
Spy information so old or out of date that it’s completely useless.

• Jack in the box:
A fake torso, sometimes inflatable, that’s put in a car to fool surveillance teams about how many people are riding in it.

• Backstopping:
Creating fake background material (employers, phone numbers, etc.) to enhance the credibility of a spy’s cover.

• Spy dust:
Invisible powder the KGB sprinkled on door knobs, inside cars, etc., so that they could track diplomats and suspected spies as they moved around Moscow.

• Cover:
The fake identity that a spy assumes to blend in with his or her surroundings.

• Overhead:
Planes or satellites that spy from the sky.

• Cannon:
Spies are sometimes paid large sums of cash. A cannon is a professional thief hired by an intelligence agency to steal the money back.

• The Farm:
Camp Peary, the 10,000-acre facility near Williamsburg, Virginia, where CIA agents get their spy training.

If you’re average, there's an 80% chance you have oatmeal in your kitchen.

THE AVRO ARROW, PART I

If you’re not from Canada, you’ve probably never heard of the
Avro Arrow. If you are from Canada, you may never forget
it. Here’s the story of the fastest plane that never was
.

H
ERE WE GO AGAIN
When the Soviet Union tested its first nuclear weapon in 1949, just four years after the end of World War II, it seemed like the next world war, this time a
nuclear
war, was just around the corner. The Soviets were also developing long-range bombers—could they be planning to attack Europe and North America?

Canada’s response was to develop jet fighters that could intercept and destroy any Soviet bombers before they could attack their targets. The first such aircraft, a jet fighter named the Avro CF-100 Canuck, entered service in 1953. By then, however, the Soviets were already working on a new generation of jet-powered bombers, which would be able to fly higher and faster than any they’d built before. The Royal Canadian Air Force felt they needed a
supersonic
jet fighter to counter the Soviet threat.

DO IT YOURSELF
Specifically, the RCAF wanted a plane that could fly at Mach 1.5 (one and a half times the speed of sound), climb to 50,000 feet in less than five minutes, and fly for 300 nautical miles without refueling. There were no planes in existence or even on the drawing board that could meet those specifications, so in December 1953 the Canadian government awarded Avro Canada Ltd., the builder of the Canuck, a $27 million contract to begin work on developing just such a plane. When completed, it would be the fastest fighter plane ever built.

Building the Arrow, as the plane was called, was problematic from the start. Avro’s plan was to design the airframe and then buy the engines, the weapons systems, and the other major components from outside suppliers. But when its first and second choices for jet engines were both discontinued, Avro decided to design the engines in-house. The company encountered similar problems with its choices of missile and firing systems. All these setbacks caused the cost of the Arrow to soar, but the
RCAF remained committed to the project. While this was happening, the Soviet Union detonated its first hydrogen bomb and rolled out two different kinds of jet-powered bombers. There was no time to waste—in 1955 the Canadian government awarded Avro a $260 million contract to build five test planes, followed by 35 production aircraft.

A 30-second commercial costs about as much to produce as a 30-minute sitcom.

TURNING POINT
Avro had never built a supersonic aircraft before, yet it managed to design and build one of the world’s most sophisticated aircraft in just under four years. But the timing couldn’t have been worse: On the very day that the first flyable Arrow was rolled out in front of 12,000 spectators in October 1957, the Soviet Union sent Sputnik, the world’s first artificial Earth satellite, into space. If the Soviets were launching satellites, could nuclear-tipped missiles be very far behind? Defense planners wondered if combat aircraft would become obsolete in the missile age. Meanwhile, the Arrow’s cost kept climbing.

Earlier that year, Canada and the United States had begun to coordinate their air defense with a $270 million system that called for using nuclear-tipped antiaircraft missiles, not fighter planes, to intercept enemy bombers. Could Canada afford both missiles
and
fighters?

In September 1958, the Canadian Department of Defense cal culated that even after having spent $300 million on the Arrow, another $871 million was needed to finish the program. That was an astronomical amount of money in 1958, and Canada had far fewer taxpayers than the U.S. did to shoulder the cost. The government decided that rather than build 40 planes as planned, it would commit only to finishing the handful of airplanes currently under construction. The rest of the program was placed under review.

BLACK FRIDAY
Then, without warning, on the morning of February 20, 1959, the Canadian government announced it was scrapping the Arrow immediately. Avro employees learned of the decision 20 minutes later, and at 4:00 that afternoon it was announced over the P.A. system that all 14,525 of them were out of a job. Another 26,000 Canadians working for Avro subcontractors lost their jobs, too.

For Part II of the story, turn to
page 262
.

Crazy fact: About one in four U.S. adults will suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder this year.

DIE-HARD CHICKEN

Readers have been asking us to tell this story for years. It was so
weird even we had a hard time swallowing it…but it’s true
.

O
FF WITH HIS HEAD!
On September 10, 1945, Mike the rooster was making his usual rounds in the Olsen farmyard in Fruita, Colorado. He paused for a moment to join the other Wyandotte chickens as they hunted and pecked for grain outside the chicken coop. Mike didn’t notice the dark shadow that fell across his path. It was Lloyd Olsen.

Clara Olsen had sent her husband out to the chicken coop on a mission: catch the rooster and prepare him for dinner. Lloyd Olsen grabbed Mike and put the rooster on the chopping block. Remembering that his mother-in-law (who was coming to dinner) loved chicken necks, Lloyd took special care to position the ax on Mike’s neck so a generous portion of neck would remain. He gave that rooster one strong whack and cut off his head.

Mike the now-headless rooster ran around in circles, flapping his wings. At this point, most chickens would have dropped dead. Instead, Mike raced back to the coop, where he joined the rest of the chickens as they hunted and pecked for food.

Lloyd Olsen was flabbergasted. He kept expecting the rooster to keel over. It never happened. The next morning he checked again and found the feathered fellow—minus his head—asleep in the henhouse with the hens.

ONE FUNKY CHICKEN
Lloyd decided that if Mike was so determined to live, even without a head, he would figure out a way to give him food and water, so Lloyd used an eyedropper to drip food and water into Mike’s gullet.

When Mike had managed to live an entire week, Lloyd and Clara took their headless wonder to scientists at the University of Utah to determine how it was possible for the bird to stay alive without a head. The scientists determined that the ax had missed the jugular vein, and a clot had kept Mike from bleeding to death. Although his head was gone, his brainstem
and one ear were left on his body. Since a chicken’s reflex actions are controlled by the brain stem, Mike’s body was able to keep on ticking.

Rabbits are more closely related to horses than to rodents.

MIRACLE MIKE
Sensing that Mike had the possibility of becoming a real cash cow (or chicken), the Olsens hired a manager and took him on a national tour. Audiences in New York, Los Angeles, Atlantic City, and San Diego paid a quarter each to see “Miracle Mike.”
Time
and
Life
magazines ran feature articles on the amazing fowl. Mike even made it into
Guinness World Records
. This “Wonder Chicken” was so valuable, he was insured for $10,000.

For 18 months, Mike the headless chicken was a celebrity. Then one night in a motel in Arizona, he started choking on some food. Lloyd tried to save him, but he couldn’t find the syringe he had often used to clear Mike’s throat. Moments later Mike was dead—this time for real.

Those who knew Mike, which included many of the residents of Fruita, remembered him as a “robust chicken, and a fine specimen, except for not having a head.” One recalled that Mike seemed “as happy as any other chicken.”

GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN
Mike’s been dead for almost 70 years, but his spirit lives on in Fruita. In 1999 the Chamber of Commerce was looking for something more interesting than “pioneers” as the theme for Colorado Heritage Week, when someone suggested Mike. Now, every third weekend in May, folks in this town of 6,500 gather to celebrate the remarkable rooster at the “Mike the Headless Chicken Festival.”

The two-day-long celebration features the 5K Run Like a Chicken race, egg tosses, Pin the Head on the Chicken, a Cluck Off, Rubber Chicken Juggling, and the Chicken Dance. Chicken Bingo is played with chicken droppings on a grid and there is a Famous Fowl Pet Parade, for which owners dress their dogs, cats, and horses like chickens. Of course, great quantities of chicken—fried or barbecued—are enjoyed by all.

In 2000 Mike was memorialized in a statue made out of rakes, axes, and farm implements by artist Lyle Nichols, who said, “I made him proud-looking and cocky.” And he gave the chamber a discount on the sculpture…because it didn’t have a head.

The average married Englishwoman living in the 1600s gave birth to 13 children.

WHEN YOUR HUSBAND
GETS HOME...

Here’s a bit of advice taken directly from a 1950s Home Economics textbook.
It was sent in by a reader, along with the comment: “Times have changed!”
No kidding. Believe it or not, this was part of a course intended
to prepare high school girls for married life
.

H
ave dinner ready:
“Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal—on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.”

Prepare yourself:
“Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.”

Clear away the clutter:
“Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.”

Prepare the children:
“Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small) comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.”

Minimize all noise:
“At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him: Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.”

Some don’ts:
“Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain
if he’s late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.”

The point where your nose meets your forehead is called the
nasion
.

Make him comfortable:
“Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax—unwind.”

Listen to him:
“You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.”

Make the evening his:
“Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.”