Under Pressure (6 page)

E
lise had never felt such overwhelming humiliation. It made her almost physically sick to her stomach. She pushed herself to her knees, but when she attempted to rise to her feet, her legs wobbled and buckled underneath her.

“Easy!” Coach Berg caught her by the upper arms, concern creasing his forehead. He pressed his hand to the side of her neck. The other players gathered around. Jacobs had taken a seat on Coach Berg's little folding stool and was writing something on his clipboard, his nose almost touching the papers.

“What's wrong, Elise?” Sophie asked. “Are you sick?”

“She looks sick,” someone else said.

“She's white—look at her face,” Nita chimed in.

Coach Berg leaned over and gave Elise a long, evaluating stare. “You're not well, Elise. Sorry, but I think you'd better take a seat for a while.”

Elise struggled to stand on her own. “I can keep playing, Coach,” she protested. “I just slipped, that's all. Just slipped …” But she almost crumpled again. Sophie reached out and caught her.

Coach Berg shook his head. “You can barely stand, much less play. You're done for today. Come on, let's go to my office.” He signaled to Vicki, the athletic trainer. “Finish reffing this, will you?” he asked her.

Ryan Jacobs, who had been silent since the scrimmage started, shook his head. Elise saw him cross something out on his clipboard. It didn't take a rocket scientist to guess what that something was.

“Can I come too?” Sophie spoke up. “I don't care about the rest of the scrimmage.”

Elise cast her a grateful look. She caught Sophie's eye.
I'm sorry
, she mouthed. Sophie nodded.

“It's okay,” she whispered back.

Still, Elise couldn't keep the tears from flowing down her cheeks as Sophie led her from the field. “Done for today,” Coach Berg had said. Done forever was more like it.

The curious gazes of Elise's teammates only made her shame worse. Slowly, she and Sophie followed Coach toward the gym entrance. Big shuddering sobs racked Elise's shoulders. She tried to gulp them back, but she seemed to have lost control of her emotions at the same time she'd lost control of her balance.

The gym seemed impossibly far away despite Sophie's supporting arm. Elise gulped down air, trying to control her wavering vision. An odd, awful light-headedness threatened to overwhelm her. What were all those black dots in front of her eyes? What was Sophie saying?

Elise was dimly aware of shouting and the sound of running feet. But her vision dimmed as she crumpled to the asphalt path until she saw only black.

T
here was a pole by her head. That was the first thing Elise saw when she opened her eyes. The thin pole, a long tube—an IV, she realized—and a steady beeping sound coming from somewhere.

“Elise? Honey?” Her mother's face loomed into sight. Her father peered anxiously over his wife's shoulder.

Honey?
Elise thought. She couldn't remember the last time her mother had called her that. She shook her head. “Where—what's—?” Her lips felt parched.

“You're at Bethesda Hospital,” Sophie said from the other side of the bed. “You fainted. Do you remember that?”

Elise pushed herself higher on the stack of pillows. “Sort of. I never made it to Coach's office, huh?”

“No, you didn't,” a voice said from the corner. Elise looked over to see Coach Berg sitting on a chair with a laptop balanced on his knees. “They said you're low on electrolytes, Elise. Dehydrated.”

Her mother bent over her again. “That's what the IV is. Just some fluids. The doctor said you should be fine in a couple of hours.”

“That's good.” Elise looked from one serious face to the next. “So I guess I just fainted—it happens to everyone.” She tried to laugh casually. “You all look so serious.”

For a long moment, no one spoke. Then Sophie cleared her throat. “I, ah, told them about the pills, Elise. And the not-eating thing.”

“Oh.” The word clunked into the room. There didn't seem to be anything else to say. Elise looked from one serious adult face to another. She swallowed back the tears that suddenly choked her. “Mom, Dad, I'm really sorry. Coach, I'm—”

He waved his hand. “Don't apologize. Jacobs wasn't coming to watch
me
play.”

Elise looked down at her hands as a fresh wave of shame engulfed her.

“Look—” Coach's voice softened. “What I mean is, Elise, that something is wrong here. We're going to help you, but whatever's going on is your own battle. You need to help yourself.” He leaned forward. “You've lost a lot of weight. Are you eating at all?”

Elise's face grew hot. She looked down at the muddy rims around her fingernails to avoid her mother's face. “Not much.”

Coach Berg sighed. “How ‘bout today. What'd you have?”

Elise hesitated. But what did she have to lose at this point by telling the truth? Her UNC dreams were gone. “An orange.” A little note of defiance crept into her voice.

“Just an orange? It's after four.”

Elise nodded. She thought she heard her mother sigh.

“Elise. How much weight have you lost recently?” her father asked.

She looked up at his familiar, craggy face. “Twelve pounds.” She didn't feel defiant anymore. Just tired.

“In two weeks?”

Elise nodded. Sophie reached out and squeezed her hand.

Coach Berg leaned back. “Well, that explains it.”

“Explains what?” Sophie spoke up.

He looked from girl to girl. “Explains why you were so weak on the field. You've lost far too much weight, far too fast. And no one can perform on 50 calories a day.” He glanced at Elise's arms. “You've lost muscle mass too. Have you been feeling generally weak recently?”

“Yeah,” Elise blinked.
Like all the time
, she thought, but she didn't say that. “But I thought it was because I didn't have my—”

“Pills?” Her mother finished. The “honey” tone had left her voice, and now she sounded angry.

Elise swallowed and stared at the rumpled sheet in her lap.
Do people get expelled over stuff like this?
She thought fleetingly of the big poster in the school hallway that blared the drug policy in huge, red letters—No Tolerance. Coach Berg was watching her. She had the feeling that he could read inside her mind.
So what if I do get expelled? At this point, who cares?

“Yeah, my pills.” Elise spoke boldly. Sophie had already told them anyway. She felt oddly defensive—almost as if the pills were pets or something.

The adults exchanged glances and Elise's mother nodded. “You can tell her, Coach,” she said.

Elise looked from one adult to the next. “Tell me what?”

Sophie said quietly, “I told your mom where to find the pills. Sorry.”

“Elise, those pills are not FDA-approved,” Coach explained. “They're not safe—in fact, one of the ingredients is known to cause heart palpitations. That's what caused you to faint today. Your pulse was racing when I helped you up after you fell.”

“I don't understand how you could do this, Elise.” Her mother said and sat down on the edge of the bed. “You've always been so sensible.” Her voice held a note of desperation that made Elise look up in surprise. “Why? Why would you do this to yourself?” She paused and seemed to force her next words out. “Was it me? Dad wondered if I was pushing you too hard this year.”

Elise couldn't meet her mother's gaze. The silence hung in the room. Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw Coach Berg delicately slip out the door.

“Sometimes, I just feel as though I'm never good enough for you,” Elise mumbled to the sheets.

“What?” Her mother leaned forward, her hand cupped to her ear. “I can't hear you.”

Elise raised her head. “Sometimes, I feel like I'm never good enough for you,” she repeated. “Like I'll never be a good enough player. Or fast enough or thin enough or strong enough.” She choked a little on the last words.

Her mother sat still for a long time while her father patted her shoulder. “Elise, I'm sorry,” her mother finally whispered. “I don't know how we've gotten to this point. But I promise you, we'll work on it. I don't want you to feel like you're not enough for me.” Her mother reached out a hand, and after a moment's hesitation, Elise took it. It wasn't a hug, but it was the next best thing.

Behind them, the door opened and Coach Berg came back in, holding a can of diet soda. Everyone straightened up. Elise's mother released her hand with a squeeze and a little smile.

Coach Berg sat down again and withdrew a small, blue-bound book from his pocket. “Elise, we're going to have to discuss the consequences of your actions,” he said. “We might as well get this over with.”

“Right.” Elise tried to sound brave.

“Now.” Coach Berg put his fingertips together, his face suddenly growing stern. “You must know that there are consequences for taking any performance drugs while on the team.”

Elise gulped. She felt Sophie clutch her hand.

Coach Berg flipped through the little book. “According to the school sports code, the penalty for drug use is immediate suspension from the team and referral to the school's disciplinary board.”

Elise's blood turned to ice in her veins. Oh, God. It was happening. She was going to be expelled. Her parents were going to send her to military school. She was so busy imagining herself marching in a uniform in the rain that she barely noticed Coach Berg was still talking.

“However, since it is your first offense, I'm willing to be lenient. You will need to make a formal, public apology to the rest of the team, and you will be suspended for the rest of the season.
And
I'll expect you to write a five-page paper, with references, on the dangers of drug use in sports and turn it in to me within two weeks.”

Sophie squeezed her hand. Elise nodded. “Okay. Okay.” What else was she going to say? She wasn't being expelled.

Her mother spoke up. “Thank you, Coach Berg. That seems more than fair.” Everyone stood up. “We'll just go talk to the doctor about having Elise discharged.”

The adults filed out of the room, leaving Elise and Sophie alone. Elise heaved a giant sigh.

“I'm sorry, E,” Sophie said. “That sucks about the suspension.”

Elise shrugged. “Honestly, I probably deserve it. And I'm not going to UNC.”

“Nope, you're not,” Sophie agreed.

Elise wondered why she felt so calm about her life's dream crashing down around her. Maybe it was because she hadn't eaten actual food yet. It was possible that after a peanut butter sandwich, she might feel more hysterical. But right then, at least, she felt almost serene, as if she were floating in a warm pool of water.

“Hey, it could have been worse,” Sophie said encouragingly. She pulled a packet of Twix out of her pocket and offered one.

Elise accepted the candy and snapped off half of it in her mouth. The caramel tasted amazing.

“That's definitely true,” Elise agreed. “Basically, I just screwed up this last month, don't you think? I wanted to impress Ryan Jacobs so much that I wasn't even acting like myself.”

“Yeah,” Sophie agreed. “I kind of feel like you've been missing for a few weeks. And now you're back.”

Elise leaned back against the pillows. Where was she headed, now that her UNC dream was gone?

Sophie stood up. “Listen, I have to get going. Mom's going to wonder where I've been all afternoon.”

“Thanks for everything, Soph.” Elise leaned over and gave her friend a sideways hug. “I mean it. I seriously couldn't have gotten through this afternoon—this whole month—without you.”

“No problem.” Sophie waved her off. “Next time I decide to screw up majorly, you can do the same for me.”

Elise snorted. “Locopops tomorrow?” she asked. “That is, if I'm not locked in my room for the next two years.”

Sophie's face split into a huge grin. “Absolutely—but only if you promise to eat
two
Mexican chocolates.”

“Promise.” Elise waved as her friend let the door close behind her. She leaned back and let her mind drift to the paper she owed Coach. Even though it was a punishment, doing an essay on the effects of drugs on sports actually sounded kind of interesting. After all, sports weren't only about the body—she'd discovered that herself. The mind was just as important. Maybe that was something she'd research a little on her own.

Maybe there's a sports psychology program at UNC
, she wondered—tucking that small, private thought away for later.