“You mean stop blaspheming God?” he asked, and she shook her head as Eliot continued on, skipping backward to watch her walk away.
When he first arrived at the hospital three days ago, the black-haired woman came up to him in the common room and said grandly, “My name is Jennifer, but you can call me God. Because I am God.”
Eliot almost fell down, he was laughing so hard, but Jennifer was completely, utterly serious. She believed herself to be God, and after that Eliot couldn’t stop himself from teasing her mercilessly. There were just so many good God lines to choose from, and his mind was racing through them all.
Despite all the fun he was having teasing Jennifer, the past few days had been very disorienting for him, even as a frantic elation whipped him into a frenzy of near-constant motion. The staff’s calmness and kindness were a strange sort of comfort in the midst of it all, giving him something to ground himself on while his thoughts danced and swirled in wild colors and electric sizzles.
He knew Dr. Babcock had been to see him, but he wasn’t able to sit still, pacing the room around where she was seated and flapping his arms, and his mouth, telling her how much he loved her, how much he loved everyone and everything.
“You appear to be having a lot of fun right now, Eliot.”
“Life is awesome!” he shouted, and he jumped up on his bed for an impromptu happy dance.
“But you’re manic, in the hospital, and away from Loren,” she continued, looking at him gravely. “That’s not awesome.”
That gave Eliot pause. Loren. Something bad had happened with him, hadn’t it? Eliot couldn’t recall most of it, but he did remember seeing Loren’s face, white and stricken. Before the memory could crystallize, thoughts of Loren skittered away again as a renewed surge of energy and joy sent Eliot jumping wildly on and off the bed, up and down, around and around.
Then Dr. Babcock was gone. Eliot paced the halls for hours, talking, gesturing, shouting, taunting Jennifer whenever he saw her. He knew it was mean to make fun of someone as batshit crazy as “God” was, but he didn’t care. It was so amusing to see her face turn red, to hear her demand he genuflect to her and make the sign of the cross. When he refused with glee, she’d start screaming and wouldn’t stop until a staff member came to lead her away.
After Dr. Babcock’s visit, the nurses started to bring him pills to take, and he willingly took them because everybody was just so darned nice, and he wanted to make them happy. Everyone should be as happy as he was!
Soon Eliot noticed he was slowing down a little, his thoughts not racing as much. He grew anxious, wondering where Loren was, why he didn’t come visit. The anxiety mushroomed, replacing the elation as the reason he couldn’t sit still, and he strode up and down the hall asking everyone where Loren was. Nobody knew.
“What if he doesn’t come back? What if he leaves me here?”
No matter how many times he asked or how upset he became, the staff remained calm, reassuring.
“I’m sure he’ll come to visit you soon, Eliot. He’s just busy, that’s all.”
And every time the door opened, every time somebody new entered the common room, Eliot would glance up eagerly, hoping to see Loren smiling at him, his arms open wide in invitation for Eliot to come burrow against him and be held close against his broad chest, enfolded into warmth and safety.
But Loren never came.
LOREN GOT
out of his truck and walked into the station, striding across the lobby toward the personnel area. He felt like eyes were boring into his back, was convinced he heard whispers, but when he glanced around, everyone was going on about their business as usual.
He went to his locker to put his things away, and then headed for the conference room. All conversation ceased when he walked in, an uncomfortable silence falling. Before he sat down, Loren stood next to his chair and said, “As you all have figured out by now, yes, I’m gay. My boyfriend’s name is Eliot Devlin.”
“Is he okay?” This from a petite redheaded homicide detective. Loren smiled at her.
“He’s going to be fine. Thanks for asking, Dawn.” Another silence, and then Loren said quietly, “I would hope that who I love doesn’t affect how you see me, as a cop or as a friend. I’m still the same person I was before this happened. You just know a little bit more about my private life now.”
There were some nods, a few smiles, a couple of people who couldn’t meet his eyes. But after a few more seconds, Levi said, “Okay, people. Feds get here in half an hour, so let’s go over some leads that surfaced last night.”
Loren pulled out his chair and sat down, relieved when everybody got down to business. The day limped along in the same vein, and at one point, Loren slipped out to call Rebecca.
“I’ve just been to see Eliot,” she said.
He swallowed hard, clutching the phone. “How is he?”
“It’s not pretty, but honestly it’s not anything I haven’t seen before. I didn’t stay long. He isn’t capable of having any kind of conversation right now. Too scattered, too pressured.”
Loren didn’t say anything.
“How are
you
, Loren?” she asked in a gentle voice.
“Confused,” he said, wanting to be honest. “Hurting. Hurting for me and for him. I—it was a horror show, Rebecca.”
“I know, hon. Believe me, I know.”
Loren heaved a ragged sigh. “Look, I need to get back in there, but I appreciate you keeping me posted. I—I just need a little time—”
“Take all the time you need, Loren. I’m here for him and for you. Okay?”
“Okay,” he whispered. After they hung up, he stood for a minute, taking deep breaths, getting his emotions in check before he turned to walk back into the building. As he got closer to the door, he heard voices coming from around the corner where the outdoor ashtray was.
“Smith doesn’t look gay, man.”
“What do gay dudes look like, though?”
“Not him!” the first voice said. “He’s gotta be the man in that relationship. There’s always one who plays the man and one who plays the woman, right?”
“How should I know, idiot? I don’t take it up the Hershey highway!”
“Jesus Christ, Smith getting down with a dude. Do you suppose he sucks dick? That he
swallows
?”
“Aww, gross!”
“I don’t have a problem with him being gay,” still another voice said, “but his boyfriend is a sandwich short of a fucking picnic. You didn’t see that donkey fuck, Estes. Holy shit, the dude is off his rocker.”
Loren wasn’t able to listen to any more, turning and walking away before he confronted the speakers and bashed some heads together. How he hated hearing those jerks unknowingly make fun of a memory that was precious to him, the memory of being on his knees before the man he loved, feeling and hearing Eliot unravel from a pleasure that was so rare for him to achieve. Then for them to make fun of an illness Eliot didn’t ask for, and certainly didn’t want. Ignorant fucks.
Loren shoved through the doors with more force than necessary, surprising Levi coming out, pack of cigarettes in hand. He looked uncomfortable for a moment, then said, “Look, Smitty, I gotta be upfront with you here. Personally I don’t care who you fuck or what you do in your private life.”
Loren didn’t know how true that was given the faint look of distaste on Levi’s face, but he nodded.
“But what happened that day can’t happen again. I don’t know exactly what’s wrong with your—with your boyfriend, and I don’t really want to know, to be honest. Just do what you need to do to make sure you don’t bring that type of scene into this station again.”
“Yes, sir,” Loren mumbled, and Levi pushed past him and headed toward the smokers’ corner.
Loren watched him go, then trudged to his desk and got back to work.
“HAPPY RELEASE
day, Eliot.”
Eliot looked up from his packing and gave Erin a small smile. “Thanks,” he said.
“May I come in?”
“Of course.” She walked into his room and set a manila envelope down on his neatly made bed.
“Your discharge paperwork, your dosage schedule, your scrips. Blah, blah,” she said. “You know the drill.”
“I do.” Eliot could feel Erin’s eyes on him as he struggled to fold his last set of sweatpants, his hands shaking as if he had some sort of palsy.
She made no offer to help, just watched for a moment before murmuring, sympathy in her tone, “Side effects are a bitch, huh?”
He grunted an assent before giving up on folding the pants and stuffing them haphazardly in his duffle, trying not to remember the last time he packed to go home, how he folded cheerful yellow Pikachu sleep pants….
He pursed his lips together and zipped up his bag with determined motions.
“Your mom is here to take you home,” Erin said quietly. “She’s waiting for you in the common room.”
Eliot nodded, then slung the duffle over his shoulder and picked up the packet of paperwork, following Erin out of his room and down the hall to the rec area.
Rebecca was indeed there, perched on the edge of a leather chair, and she gave him a nervous, if earnest smile.
He smiled back and held up one finger in a “wait a minute” gesture, then walked across the room to where Jennifer was curled up in one of the chairs, wrapped in a blanket. She looked up at him warily, as if bracing for a blow. He knelt in front of her.
“I’m leaving,” he said to her. “May I have your blessing?”
Jennifer searched his face, expecting a trick, and whatever she saw there must have reassured her because she nodded. Eliot bent his head, and she laid her hand on the back of it and murmured, “May you who leave this place take with you every blessing you have received here.”
Eliot felt a small lump take up residence in his throat at her magnanimity, and when he pushed to his feet he whispered hoarsely, “God is love.”
She tipped her head regally and he made his way over to his mother, acknowledging her curious gaze with a half smile.
A few minutes later, they were in her sleek SUV, headed for her house. Eliot leaned his head against the back of the seat, dozing in and out, neither of them speaking until Rebecca said, “I’ll drop you off at home, honey, and then go fill your prescriptions for you.”
“Sure,” he mumbled, and it wasn’t long before Rebecca pulled up in the driveway and pressed the button on her rearview mirror that would open the garage. Eliot got out and retrieved his duffle from the backseat.
“You want anything while I’m out?” she asked, and Eliot shook his head. “I went ahead and put your things in your old room, okay? Be back in about half an hour.”
Eliot shut the car door and went inside, trudging up the stairs to the familiar bedroom at the end of the hall. It was immaculate, and Rebecca apparently had it redone with a soothing coat of sage-green paint and a new comforter set. Two suitcases were laid out on the bed, and Eliot unzipped the nearest one and opened it, pain ripping through him when he saw the Pikachu pants folded on top.
What had him dissolving into helpless tears, though, was the alarm watch tucked in amongst the bright yellow folds. He slid to the floor and buried his head in his arms. Eliot didn’t know how long it was before he heard footsteps and a soft exclamation, and then his mother was sitting on the floor next to him, wrapping her arm around his shoulders.
Eliot held himself stiff for a moment before giving in to his need for comfort, leaning against her. She wasn’t dressed in one of her usual power suits but wore an oversized denim shirt, soft from frequent washings, and some black leggings. Her blond hair was up in a messy ponytail, and she looked like a teenager.
They sat there for several minutes until Rebecca kissed his brow and said, “Loren brought your things by last night.”
“Did he—did he want you to tell me anything?” Eliot asked hopefully, sitting up straight when Rebecca nodded her head.
“Yes, he did,” she replied. “He wanted me to ask you to give him a little more time, said he needs to concentrate on his case and then he’ll call you.”
“He could have come to see me, told me that himself,” Eliot whispered, blinking back fresh tears. “I don’t think he wants me anymore, Mom.”
Rebecca tightened her arm. “Oh, Eliot,” she murmured in a soothing voice. “He looked awful, like he hadn’t been sleeping. He’s suffering, honey. He didn’t have the look of someone who’s given up, but rather someone who’s torn in a million different directions and not quite sure how to cope.” She feathered her lips over Eliot’s temple again. “A feeling I’m quite familiar with.”
Eliot relaxed against her with a ragged sigh. “He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Mom.” He could hear the anguish in his own voice. “I don’t want to lose him.”
“He loves you, Eliot,” she said gently. “That much is certain. And from what I understand, he’s just asking for some space to clear up what he’s been working on so he can focus all his energy on you. Don’t panic and assume the worst, sweetheart. Just give him time.”
Eliot buried his face in her shoulder and Rebecca hugged him close, not saying anything more, just letting him lean on her. At last he blew out a breath and whispered, “I’ll move out in a couple of weeks. Dr. Babcock said the side effects—”
“I don’t want you to move out,” Rebecca interrupted him. “I’ve reduced my hours at the hospital to where I’m only going to be on-call a couple of times a week.”
“What?” Eliot sat up straight and looked at her incredulously. “Why?”
“Because things need to change,” she said simply. “You’re the most important person in my life, Eliot. Just wishing for things to be different isn’t going to cut it anymore.”
Eliot sat stunned for a moment. “Mom, I—I know I’ve put you through hell—”
“Eliot,” she interrupted him again. “How about, from this moment on, you and I start with a clean slate. We’ve both made mistakes in the past, and we could sit here and dwell on them if we want, but I’d rather move on.”
He looked at her, into her green eyes that were so like his own, emotion choking his voice. “I—I don’t even know how—”
She cupped his cheek in her soft hand. “Neither do I, honey. I don’t have any of the answers. But we’ll figure it out together, okay?”