Vacations From Hell (2 page)

“Gimme a break. It’s the
Eagle
. Hello, there’s no such thing as vampires, remember? Anyway, you’re transferring your anxiety from what you’re really afraid of.”

“And what’s that?”

She gives me a knowing look. “You know. Losing it.”

“Thank you, Dr. Laura. But I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” I flip over in my lounge chair, turning my back to her.

“Are you hungry?” she asks a few minutes later.

“No,” I say, still mad.

“Stop being a baby,” she says. “I’m starving. I’ll get us something to eat. Let me find Jarred.”

“Hailey says I should have called dibs.”

“Hey, he’s all yours if you want him,” she offers.

“No, you go ahead. I don’t want your charity. I’ll find my own guy.” I take a deep breath of ocean air. “Promise.”

Liz and I meet Hailey at the casino later that night, by a James Bond slot machine. If I put in a quarter, will a gorgeous spy pop out?

“You two look amazing,” Hailey says.

“So do you,” I say. She does look very pretty in a simple black cotton dress.

“Oh, please, you guys look like you’re going to a Manhattan gala, and I look like I’m going to a school dance.” She admires the purple strapless dress Liz forced me into and Liz’s glamorous backless red sheath. “Can I come raid your closet?”

“Anytime,” Liz says, fixing the strap on her shoe. “And you smell great. What perfume is that?”

Hailey smiles. “Thanks! It’s called Parfum de Vie.”

“Very yummy.”

“How’s your mom?” I ask.

“Passed out. So pathetic.” She rolls her eyes and straightens her shoulders. “What do you wanna do?
Gamble? Scope the scene? Find cute boys? Slay vampires?”

“I’m up for the first two,” Liz says, and scans the room. “Let’s start at the bar.”

When we make our way over, a much older but still very hot bartender asks us what we’d like to drink. Liz purrs her order over the bar, showing extra cleavage.

She turns back to us and murmurs, “Dibs.”

“He’s old enough to be your father,” Hailey says.

“I like mature men. They smell better. Like fine wine.” She lifts her glass to ours and we clink.

As I lower my glass, I spot him.

The one.

I know right away. He’s it. He’s perfect.

Standing by the blackjack table.

If I thought Checker Boy was cute, this guy is a whole other level of cute. The level twelve of cute. He’s gorgeous. Tall, shiny dark hair, sculpted cheekbones, shoulders like a quarterback’s. Unlike Mr. Bartender he can’t be more than twenty-two. And he’s wearing a tux.

Seriously.

Who needs a quarter? I just found my very own James Bond. An old-school, dark-haired one too. Go me.

“Dibs,” I whisper.

Liz squeezes my shoulder. “Good call.”

“I’m in love,” I say.

“I can see that,” she says. “Wipe your chin. You drooled.”

“Where, where? Show me him!” Hailey says, jumping in place.

“Don’t be too obvious,” I warn her, flipping my hair in my most nonchalant way. “Look over at the blackjack table.”

She oh-so-casually spins a hundred and eighty degrees. “Ooooh. He’s hot. Go for him!”

I fidget with my dress. “How? What do I do?”

Hailey turns to Liz. “Yeah, tell us what to do. How did you know what to do to get that swimmer at the pool? Where is he anyway? Are you meeting up with him?”

Liz shrugs. “Nah. It’s over. He was boring.”

Hailey laughs. “I guess you already found someone new. Tell us your secrets so we can follow in your footsteps, will you?

She motions us closer. “It’s all about the attitude. He should know that you think you’re all that. If you think you’re all that, he’ll think you’re all that. But being all that doesn’t mean ‘I’m better than you.’ It means, ‘I’m fantabulous and you seem like you are too, so maybe we deserve each other.’”

“Fantabulous?” I repeat.

“Yes.” She nods emphatically. “Absolutely fantabulous.”

“I can do that,” Hailey says. “I can be absolutely fantabulous. What else?”

“That’s it.”

“That’s all it takes to find a boyfriend?” Hailey asks.

Liz grins. “Boyfriend? Who wants a boyfriend? That was how to score a hook-up.” She rubs my shoulders again. “So are you ready?”

“Yes,” I say while shaking my head no.

“Go play next to him. There’s a seat open.”

“But I don’t know how,” I whimper.

She tosses me a black chip. “Aim for twenty-one.”

“Er, twenty-one what?”

When she laughs, I take a deep breath and head over to the empty stool.
I can do this
. “This seat taken?” I ask in an unfortunately nasal voice.

He tilts his head to the side and gives me a blinding smile. “Nope. All yours.”

I gingerly place one chip on the felt table.

“Having a good night?” I ask, attempting to sound a wee bit more sophisticated and seductive. In other words I sound like I have strep.

“Yeah. My friend just got married in the dining room,” he says. “I was all danced out, so I snuck in here for a break.”

That explains the tux. “Fantabulous,” I say.

“Sorry?”

“Oh, um…happy wedding. You look too young to have a friend getting married.”

“Oh, he’s crazy. College buddy. You know how it is. What college do you go to?”

“NYU,” I lie instantly. Why not? It’s not like he’ll ever know the difference.

He nods, buying it. “I’m at Penn. Hey,” he says, leaning closer to me and putting his hand on my arm.

A jolt of static runs through my body. He’s so close I can smell the aftershave on his neck.

“You have the coolest eyes,” he says slowly as I watch his mouth forming the words.

“Thanks,” I say, barely breathing.

The dealer interrupts us by distributing two rounds of cards to the four of us at his table.

James Bond lets go of my arm and settles back onto his seat.

Sigh.

I stare down at my cards. An eight and a jack. I have no idea what that means. I try to smile at James, but he seems to be over me and my eyes and is now enthralled by his cards.

“Miss?” the dealer asks me.

“Yes?” I ask back.

“What would you like to do?”

I look at my hand. I have no idea. “Get a card?”

Mr. Bond looks at me in shock. “What? Why?”

Too late. The dealer hands me the four of spades and declares me out.

Whoops.

Not feeling that fantabulous right now. More like moronic.

“What happened?” Liz cries when I return empty-handed in all senses of the word. No chips, no boy.

“I lost all my chips. I had no idea what I was doing!”

“Why didn’t you ask him for help?”

“How does one ask for help when one is trying to appear fantabulous?”

She tosses her hair behind her shoulder. “You can still be fantabulous and not know how to play blackjack.”

“Well, the dealer got an ace and a jack so apparently he won. And before—”

Liz squeezes my arm. “But what happened to the boy?”

I sigh. “He said he’d see me around and disappeared. I give up. I’m going to watch TV in bed.”

Liz adjusts her dress. “I’m going to hang out with the bartender. Guess I can’t take him back to our room, then.”

“Sorry.”

“No problem. I’ll find somewhere to go.”

“Avoid the deck,” Hailey tells her.

Liz winks. “Don’t wait up.”

“She’s a master,” Hailey says, and gives Liz a small bow.

And I’m the worst pupil ever.

“Why isn’t he here?” I wonder out loud.

Liz yawns. “Because it’s nine
A.M
. Did we really have to get here this early? We’re the only ones at the pool.”

“I don’t want him to disappear again.”

“It’s not like he has anywhere to go. He’s kind of boat-locked.”

“As long as a vampire doesn’t get him and throw him overboard,” I say, and stretch my legs out in front of me. “Hailey is meeting us around eleven.”

“What do you think of her?” she asks me.

“I like her,” I say. “You?”

“There’s something off about her. I like it.”

“Maybe she’s a vampire,” I say.

“She is
not
a vampire,” Liz says.

“She’s pale. Good sense of smell. She’s traveling alone.”

“She’s here with her mom,” Liz reminds me.

“So she says.”

Liz closes her eyes and then opens them again. “I’m hungry. Wanna get something to eat?”

“Um, no thanks. I’m still full from your midnight
treat. Thanks for bringing me that snack from the bar, by the way.”

“Alrighty, I’ll see you later.” She blows me a kiss and sashays off.

I don’t mind having a minute alone. The breeze is in my hair, the sky is bright blue—it’s a perfect day.

What could be better?

James. Seeing James could make this better. Yes, I know James Bond isn’t his real name, but I can call him whatever I like. I sigh and close my eyes. There are lots of other guys who could be my first. But there was something about James…. He’d be perfect. He’s the one! My first! Of course he doesn’t know this yet. He doesn’t even know my name yet. I don’t even know his name yet. In fact I hardly know anything about him except that he’s a student at Penn and he looks great in a tux.

But I know he’s perfect.

I have to find him.

By eleven Hailey has set up next to me. By twelve Liz is back with messy hair and a naughty smile on her face.

“And what took you so long?” I ask.

She winks. “Wouldn’t you like to know.”

By two there’s still no James at this pool, and I decide I might as well look around the ship. “I wonder where he is,” I say.

If he’s not going to come to me, I’m going to have to go to him.

“Anyone wanna come stalk James with me?” I ask.

“Definitely,” Liz says, slipping on her flip-flops.

The three of us hit the deck.

“Let’s see,” Liz says. “There are three other pools on the boat. Which one will he be at?”

“Let’s start at the top and work our way down,” Hailey suggests.

We try the eleventh-floor pool first. Kiddie pool. No James.

“At least I know he has no children,” I say. There you go—now I know three things about him.

We try the tenth-floor pool next. It’s the fitness pool. It’s long and rectangular, and there are a whole bunch of hard-core workout buffs swimming laps.

No James. No sun either, since it has a roof. I flip my sunglasses to the top of my head.

“I like this pool,” Hailey says, ogling the pumped-up guys hard at work. “Can we come back here later?”

“Watching them is too tiring,” Liz says. “Next!”

Last pool—ninth floor. We step out of the elevator and—

Omigod. “There he is!” I say, pointing. James! In the flesh! In the hot tub! Oh! Even though there’s a roof, he’s wearing aviator sunglasses, and he’s holding a beer and
he’s just as gorgeous as I remember and he’s sitting next to a girl and—

A girl. Who is this girl and why is she stalking my man? I’m the only one who gets to stalk my man.

The girl is giggling at something James is saying: a high, tinkling, annoying giggle, a giggle that makes me want to kill her.

His hand is resting on her shoulder.

“Booooo,” I moan. “I think my boyfriend already has a girlfriend.”

I stomp my sandaled foot against the deck.

“You’re cuter,” Hailey says.

Liz nods. “You can take her.”

I shake my head. “I can find a single guy. I don’t need to rob someone of her boyfriend.”

“It’s not a girlfriend,” Liz says. “It’s some random girl he’s flirting with. I saw her last night at the casino with a whole other group. She’ll be history by dinner.”

“You think?” I ask hopefully.

“I promise,” she says.

We all split up in the late afternoon: Hailey claims she needs a nap, Liz hits the gym, and I check out the spa. We all meet for dinner and a little YMCAing at the disco. Later we find James Bond back at the casino bar.

The good news: Liz was right—the girl from the
afternoon is nowhere to be found.

The bad news: He’s with two new girls. He’s smiling at both of them, his teeth gleaming against his pale skin.

Sigh.

“Next,” Hailey whispers.

“But he’s so perfect,” I say. “Look at him.”

“Kristin, you can’t just hook up with someone who’s already hooked up with two people in as many days,” she says, shaking her head. “That’s skanky. No offense, Liz.”

“None taken,” Liz says cheerfully.

“It’s not like I want a deep, meaningful relationship,” I mumble.

“But he’s a creep. What happened to the girl in the hot tub? Has he forgotten all about her already?”

His arm is gently brushing against the back of one of the girls, the one in a pink halter top. The other girl, wearing her hair in a tight bun, is twirling on a bar stool, looking bored and annoyed. She whispers something to Miss Pink Halter Top and then takes off.

“Great. Now the lovebirds are on their own.” I throw my hands in the air. “I give up!”

“Let’s go get ice cream sundaes,” Hailey suggests. “They’re giving them out in the dining room. I bet there are better guys there. Ones that aren’t so cocky looking.”

“But I like cocky guys,” I say sadly.

We step back out into the lobby. “You two go ahead,” Liz says. “I have someone I need to talk to.”

“Your friend from last night?” Hailey asks knowingly.

Liz winks.

We go for ice cream. Hailey takes two bowls: one for her and one for her alleged mother.

“Not that she’ll eat it,” Hailey says. “It’ll probably just melt into a pile of gunk.”

“Has she not left her room?” That is so weird. Could that even be true? How could we not have seen her at least once?

“I think she has a few times. But only at night. She sleeps all day. It’s ridiculous.”

“Want me to come check on her with you?” I ask. To see if she really exists. Maybe she’s the vampire. Ha-ha.

“Oh no. Don’t worry about it. She’d hate it if I brought someone back to the room. Wanna go to yours and hang out? I can meet you there after I drop this off. Don’t you have a balcony?”

“I do, but…” Not a good idea. “My roomie might have a friend there. And we don’t want to…ruin the mood.”