Who I Am With You (22 page)

“Duncan?”

Leslie’s voice filled him with so many conflicting emotions; regret, love, guilt.

“Hey,” he croaked, suddenly unsure of why he called or what he wanted to say.

“Everything okay?”

“How are the kids?”

“Fine.” She chuckled softly. “I have to admit I was hoping they would have a terrible time last weekend. Is that small of me?”

“I don’t want to hurt you any more than I already have.” The light turned red and he leaned his head against the seat, turning up the air conditioning to relieve his clammy skin.

“There’s no rulebook for this situation.”

“I wish to hell there was.”

“You’ve never been one to read instructions.”

He smiled at a memory. “Are you always going to bring up Amanda’s first swing set?”

“It fell apart the first time she got on it!”

“Figured it looked simple enough to put together.”

Their laughter mixed as he slowly merged onto Fifth Avenue. His eyes wandered over the unfamiliar boutiques and the dissociation between Olivia’s fancy neighborhood and down-to-earth Leslie sobered him.

“Feels like another lifetime.”

Leslie sighed and his pulse quickened, remembering the feel of her breath in his ear. “Maybe it was. Different life, different people.”

“Are you? Different?” He desperately wanted her to say no.

“I don’t know anymore,” she whispered. “Duncan, I have to go and run Adam over to a friend’s.”

They disconnected and a stinging sensation caused his eyes to blur. He rubbed at them, refusing to acknowledge the wetness he found there. What on earth had come over him to call Leslie? Maybe it was Catherine and her talk about fighting, of taking advantage of the time she had left. In his line of work, any day could be his last. He felt trapped, stuck between the life he had with Leslie and the future he saw with Olivia. Both had a strong hold on him and it was terrifying. Especially since each agonizing step he took out of the fog pills gave him, the more connected he felt to his family.

“Hell of a conundrum you’ve found yourself in,” he muttered to the empty truck.

S
tiff with tension, Olivia tried to work the kinks from her shoulders. After speaking with the detective the other day, she’d taken it upon herself to sort through some of the paperwork from Thomas’s department, searching for answers. She’d spent the entire morning looking at a stack of files and what she found disturbed her. Thomas used to be a big believer in micromanaging—doling out tasks to those under him, being an encouraging and educational leader, even going as far as filing important documents in triplicate. The Warren Street project, where the crane had been, was different. Thomas handled every single piece of paper, permit, and information himself. For that construction site only. It didn’t make sense. Plus, she found no evidence of the permit for the crane being filed at all. So how did it get into the city offices?

She pushed away from her desk and paced, stretching her legs and refusing to believe Thomas would deliberately sabotage her family’s company just to make Simon look bad. It wasn’t even about Simon. If Thomas
was
responsible, how could he do it to
her
? Hurting Simon, hurt her family and, in turn, her. It baffled Olivia to no end.

Desperate to dispel the increasingly obvious answer staring at her, she tossed a couple files in her satchel and fled, punching digits into her phone.

“Hey, Liv.” Natalie answered.

“Cantina break?”

“Absolutely! When?”

“Half an hour? Is that too soon? I’m leaving work early.”

“Say no more. I’ll be there.”

The fresh summer air invigorated Olivia and cleared the cobwebs from her head. Late afternoon sunlight streamed between the buildings and her stomach rumbled. She considered stopping by Catherine’s afterwards but didn’t want to deal with the stark reality of her illness at the moment. It’d been a tough couple days and the idea of watching her waste away terrified Olivia. And, because her grandmother had been so weak, they hadn’t had a chance to talk about Catherine’s impression of Duncan.

Olivia made her way to her and Nat’s favorite college hangout, a Mexican restaurant called Bob’s Cantina. She smiled at the memories as she approached the bright green door—late nights studying and flirting with other customers, Nat’s twentieth birthday party, sitting at a table by the window watching snowflakes drift down and wishing they actually were in Mexico instead. It was a miracle the place still existed. It didn’t look like much, and the name might have been deceivingly simple, but the place served amazing, authentic cuisine. Hopefully, it hadn’t changed.

Bowls of homemade chips and salsa were being delivered when Natalie breezed in and gave her drink order to the waiter.

“I thought about this place the other day and how we needed to come here for old time’s sake.” She unwound a thin fuchsia and dark purple scarf from her neck. “You don’t look too good. I’m glad you called.”

“Rough day, rough week. You know how it gets. Good and bad days.” She drummed her fingers on the table. “I’m thankful there are more good days than bad, though.”

“You’re dealing with the lows better, too.”

“I love that you get it. All you have to do is look at me to know what’s going on.”

“Now I’m extra glad you called. What’s up?” She dug into the salsa with a chip and fixed her concerned dark eyes on Olivia.

Here, with her best friend, Olivia spoke the ugly truth.

“A little bit of everything.” She unclenched her teeth. “I think I’ve taken on too much without realizing it. Between work and Catherine and Duncan, I’m not finding a lot of chances to concentrate on staying clean. My alone time is gone. And to top it all off, a detective visited me, asking questions about Thomas and Simon in connection to the accidents we’ve had, which threw me for a loop. I thought after a year I’d be better at dealing.” She avoided Nat’s gaze, staring hard at the table. “The addict nightmares started again, the ones that put me in a room full of all my vices and no exit. This morning I woke up shaking so violently I thought I’d break. I swear, if I’d had any form of narcotic in the house, it would’ve been used. What if I made a mistake deciding to come to New York?”

“You didn’t, and I have faith you would have ignored the temptation had it been there.” Natalie reached across the table and stroked her arm. “I’ve been worried about you, Liv. When you told me you were coming home, I was ecstatic. It also scared me to death.”

“Why?”

“Reconciling with Catherine is wonderful, but letting her guilt trip you into taking on a career you don’t want is another thing.”

“I don’t think she necessarily guilt-tripped me into working.”

“No? You jumped in with both feet and no preparation. I know you’re putting in more than forty hours a week with this project. That’s a lot. And you can’t deny part of it is to appease your grandmother.”

“It’s a double-edged sword,” Olivia explained with a hint of frustration. “Working gives me confidence, puts me in the world again instead of hiding behind an oven. I love being there and the challenges it presents.” She sighed. “On the other hand, those same challenges put me under a lot of stress, and I miss my oven.”

“It’s stress you don’t need,” Nat reiterated.

“And again, I can argue that learning to handle stress without turning to heroin is important. Every time it feels like it’s too much, I bake, but baking only reminds me of what I truly want to do.”

“You’re right, there are two sides.” Natalie paused. “Is getting out an option?”

“I don’t know. I’m afraid to ask, not because Catherine would say no. What’s holding me back is the look of disappointment I’m afraid I’ll see on her face.”

“All you have to do is talk to her. You’ve mentioned how open and honest your conversations have been. If opening a bakery is what you really want, tell her. She’ll understand.”

“I guess.” Nat narrowed her eyes. “Okay. Fine. I’ll find a way to bring it up.”

They ate in silence for a bit. “What about Duncan? How are things there?”

“Up and down. I met his kids, which was great. He and I have undeniable chemistry, but I introduced him to Catherine a couple of days ago and haven’t seen him since. Just random texts, but you know what their rotations can be like, and yesterday was July Fourth, I’m sure they’ve been crazy with drunken idiots and fireworks.”

“It went that bad with Catherine?”

“I don’t know. He isn’t saying and I’m nervous to bring it up to Catherine. The last forty-eight hours have been tough for her.”

“Meeting each other’s families is a big step.”

“You sound like Simon. It
is
a big step, but it felt right. It gave me the opportunity to see how he is with his kids, if he’s different when I’m around. According to them, he is, a lot. And if this thing he and I have goes anywhere, I wanted him to meet Catherine before she’s gone.”

“This is where the whole Duncan thing scares me.” Her friend rushed on before Olivia could interject. “Don’t get me wrong, there’s a potentially great story unfolding between the two of you, but there are some very stark realities they don’t mention in books and movies.”

“Like what?”

Nat’s finger jabbed the table for emphasis. “You are a recovering drug addict, Duncan is a functioning one. Alex grudgingly told me some stuff and I don’t want to see you involved in what could easily become a dependent relationship. You might think a year is long enough, sweetie, but it’s not. You’re still vulnerable.”

Her speech disturbed Olivia. As far as she knew, Duncan didn’t rely on pills that often, only when things got bad. At least that was how he made it sound. Maybe he’d gotten as good at lying about his addiction as she had. Olivia frowned. Natalie might have a point about the dependency thing. Worrying about his sobriety impacted hers at a time when she needed to be selfish and take care of herself. If he was hiding how deep his problem went, it could change the whole dynamic of their relationship. It’d have to, for her sake.

“Okay, I get it. I’m walking a thin line. My feelings for him are real, though. I’m invested. Walking away,” she felt pain erupt in her chest at the possibility, “is not an option. Not yet. I’m aware of the dangers and I promise to be careful. Does any of this make sense?”

“Yes, and I do trust you, but my biggest worry is you staying to make him happy, to keep him from self-destructing and save him from the hell you think he’d put himself through.” She pursed her lips. “Whatever you decide, whatever happens, I’m here for ya, babe.”

“I know. Duncan is my first real relationship. Since being clean, I mean. I am trying to be cautious, but he’s easy to get lost in. Our connection is deep, like soul deep, which sounds ridiculous.” She chuckled. “This is why the counselors advise us to start with caring for a plant, or a pet. Not a human.”

“You killed my spider plant, so that wouldn’t have worked, and you’re allergic to cats.”

“Goldfish?”

“Not sturdy enough.” Nat smirked. “The last person I saw you semi-serious with was Tate, in California.”

“Yeah. Wasn’t expecting him.” Olivia smiled at the memory. “He was perfect; hot, sweet, deeply involved in philanthropy. I chose a road he had no business following me down.”

Tate Lynch. Olivia rarely thought about him, about how she hurt him. She’d known the drugs were taking her someplace bad but made no attempt to stop it. He tried to help her, to fix her hurts. A software engineer, Tate spent most of his time raising money for disaster relief and children in third world countries, so she made damn sure her ghosts never touched his public life. He had one of those pure souls so rare in this world. The last time she saw him was her first trip to rehab, on family day. Strung out and in the grips of withdrawal, she said terrible things to him, making a half-conscious effort to ensure he never came back, which he did, twice, but she refused him each time. The expression on his face when he left that last day continued to haunt her and remind her of the damage she was capable of.

“He’s engaged now,” Natalie shared, watching her closely.

“Good for him. I mean it, I have fond memories of Tate. Whether he knew it or not, he helped me in the beginning, but being with him masked my deeper issues. It’s funny, now I’m thinking about him, he reminds me a lot of Simon. Both are passionate and driven, wicked sense of humor.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“Surprising.”

“And any good vibes from Simon?”

“What kind of good vibes? Have you forgotten Duncan?”

“Hey, it never hurts to keep your options open.” Natalie winked as she sipped the last of her margarita.

“I haven’t seen him with any women.”

“You’re looking?”

“Not in the way you’re suggesting. He’s young, successful, super hot. I figured he would be gracing Page Six or other gossip sites and dating supermodels.”

“Think he’s gay?” her friend whispered scandalously.

Olivia considered it, feeling a tad disappointed at the notion. “I guess it’s possible.”

“Too bad. Means he isn’t interested in the parts you have to offer.”

“Nat! I’m not offering him anything, get your mind out of the gutter. Even if he isn’t gay, I’m not exactly his type.”

“What? Gorgeous? Rich? Skinny? No, nothing appealing there at all.”

She rolled her eyes at Nat’s sarcasm. “Ex-addict and head case.”

“Bullshit. He’d be lucky to have you.”

Shifting the focus off of her, Olivia asked, “Since we’re on the subject of men, what about you and Alex?”

Olivia got a thrill out of her friend’s deep blush. “Alex and I are pretty awesome. He’s adventurous and sexy, not full of himself like you’d expect by looking at him, and smart, well-read, which I wasn’t expecting.” Nat fussed with her napkin. “He keeps talking about us finding a place to move in together, and it should send me into a full blown panic considering we’ve only been dating for six months. I met him the day after returning from seeing you in L.A. this last time. It was kind of karmic. I was happy, knowing you were the healthiest I’d seen you in years, and not even looking. But he found me.”

“I say go for it. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the last decade it’s that life is too short.”

“Then you’ll be pleased to know I’m leaning towards jumping. Feels right.”

“I’m happy for you, Nat. He’s one of the good ones.” She folded her arms on the table. “And speaking of moving, I’m ready to make my return more permanent, especially after we talked about it that night. I sent for the rest of my stuff from California yesterday. Nona is boxing it up for me. It’s time to close that chapter for good.”

“Oh my God! Are you serious?” Olivia nodded. Natalie’s face lit up and she rushed around the table to hug Olivia. After sitting back down, she gushed, “Best news ever! I can’t wait to help you look. What do you want? An apartment? A loft? What about Catherine’s when she, you know. Yes, it is callous, but that house is amazing.”

A flicker of something akin to longing sprouted in her chest, but it felt wrong to even let it exist. “Catherine already mentioned it, but the place is too stuffy for me, it’s practically a museum. If I’m trying to get away from ghosts, are you sure it’d be the smartest idea? Wouldn’t it be kind of morbid?”