I stare at him in confusion for a few minutes until it clicks into place.
Proof of criminal activity.
There’s only one thing that would pass for that – my file.
“Oh my God, you gave it to them?”
Austin doesn’t say anything, he just continues to stand here staring at me.
“That was my personal information, you had no right to share it with anyone!” I shout angrily.
I know I’m being irrational, but I can’t help it. It was hard enough for me to show those things to him, and now God knows how many other people will see them. William is a very big deal in New York; the police aren’t going to be able to keep it quiet for long. Soon, everyone will see those pictures: my parents, Brady… everyone I’ve ever known will see just everything I let William do to me for so many years.
“How did you even get it, did you go back to Brady’s place since we got here?” I demand.
He shakes his head and finally speaks. “I took it when you were packing up Emma before we came here.”
He says it so casually, like he didn’t completely violate my privacy and my trust by taking that file and giving it to someone else. I turn away from him, not wanting to look at his face, so cold and business-like.
“You can’t be mad about this Gwen, it had to be done to make sure he stays locked up for a long time, and there was no other way.”
I whirl back around angrily. “How about talking with me about it first? This isn’t something you just take upon yourself because you think you’re doing the right thing. This is my life, my past and now it’s going to be broadcast all over the place for everyone to see. Oh, my God, Emma could see it! Did you even think about that when you handed it over?”
At the mention of Emma he winces, but it doesn’t stop him from trying to plead his case. “Gwen, this is my job, you know that. I do whatever is necessary to get it done, even if that means pissing a few people off.”
His words are like a punch right to my heart. I’m just “people” now to him. Maybe that’s what I’ve been all along.
“Well, lucky for you it looks like the job is finished and you can be on your way to help out more
people.
”
His face remains like a piece of stone – no emotion or reaction at all. “You knew this was going to happen from the very beginning. You knew I would be gone as soon as this was finished. I’m not the type of guy who stays in one place long or has a family.”
“God dammit, I am so sick and tired of you always going back to that! You’re not the type of guy who’s a father, you’re not the type of guy who’s a husband… did it ever occur to you that you are EXACTLY that type of person, but you’re too fucking scared to admit it? I’ve seen the way you are with Emma, I’ve felt the way you are with me. How can you not see it?”
Austin scoffs and shakes his head at me. “You don’t understand.”
Even though I want to throttle him, I step closer. “You’re right, I don’t understand, so tell me!”
He just shakes his head at me.
“I have given you EVERYTHING! Every piece of myself that I thought I would never give to another person. Why is it so hard for you to open up to me?!”
My voice is getting louder and louder, but I don’t care. I just want him to hear me and to understand that I want to know every part of him.
He moves away and runs his hands through his hair in frustration before letting them smack down to his thighs.
“Fuck! You want to know about my scars? They’re all on the inside, Gwen. I have no fucking clue what it takes to be the man you and Emma need and it fucking kills me! I had a shitty childhood. The Navy was like a fucking five star resort compared to some of the places I grew up in. The only parents I ever knew shoved me around and treated me like a worthless piece of shit until they got sick of me and sent me on to the next shitty family. Is that what you want to hear?” he shouts angrily.
My heart breaks for him and I want to go to him and wrap my arms around him, but it’s clear he’s shutting me out and he’s already made his decision.
“YES! Is it so hard for you to understand that I want to know you? I want to know what made you the man you are today, the good and the bad. You’ve seen every part of me. You know my fears and my weaknesses – why is it such a bad thing that I want to know yours?”
“Because that’s not who I fucking am! I’m a Navy SEAL, Gwen. I don’t have time for fear and weakness and I can’t make any mistakes or have any distractions. Something like that in my line of work will get me killed.”
And just like that, my heart breaks in two. It’s okay for me to be broken and afraid, but not him.
“Wow, it must be nice to be so fucking perfect,” I throw back. “Lucky for you, this job is over and you can go on with your life. You don’t have to worry about Emma and I ever being a distraction for you.”
He doesn’t say a word to me as I turn away and walk out of the room to begin packing our things.
Austin
O
ne hour,
eight minutes and twenty-seven seconds.
That’s how long Gwen and Emma have been gone from this house. A little over an hour and it already feels like I haven’t seen them in a year. I never meant to be such a prick to Gwen when I said good-bye. Fuck, that wasn’t even a good-bye, that was a kiss-off. I’m surprised she didn’t flip me the finger as she was walking out the door. I wanted to sit her down and explain to her again my reasons for not being able to stay. I never wanted our last words to be spoken in anger and I never intended to cut her so deep she couldn’t even bring herself to look at me before the door closed behind her and she walked out of my life.
At least Ellie spoke to me before they left. When I suggested driving them to the police station so Gwen could sign the report, she told me to fuck off. I wasn’t about to let them go anywhere alone even if William was behind bars; there was still one loose end that needed to be tied up. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, Cole called me as the girls were heading towards the door to tell me that Dylan Callahan came back clean. No record for stalking and when Gwen heard me say his name while I was on the phone, I had to come clean about him stopping by her office. If she were a cartoon character, there would have been smoke coming out of her ears. She told me in no uncertain terms that I was an asshole and that Dylan was a friend. They had indeed made plans to see each other for coffee while he was in town.
Right now, I feel like an asshole. I should have never hid the fact that I was planning on using her file to make sure William didn’t get away what he’d done to her. I thought I was protecting her by keeping things from her, but I should have known better. She’s amazing, she’s smart and she’s a fighter. She had every right to be involved in all aspects of the plan to take down the man who terrorized her for most of her adult life.
The timer on my tactical watch goes off, signaling I need to leave if I want to catch my flight. In order for me to get to Virginia by eight tomorrow morning, I need to take a flight to Chicago tonight and then leave at five the following morning for Virginia. Standing in the middle of my living room, I can’t make my feet move. Everywhere I look, I see Gwen or hear Emma. As soon as I walk out this door, it will all be gone – the smiles, the laughs, the kisses… it will all be pushed away into a dark corner of my mind so I don’t have to think about it or wish for something I can’t have. When I walk out that door, it will be like my time with them never existed.
This is what I live for – being called in at the last minute, not knowing what to expect or what kind of danger I’ll be walking into… it’s what I was meant to do. It’s my life and fighting for something important has always made me happy.
So why the fuck am I standing here regretting the decision to go?
I should already have my go-bag in my hand and be out the fucking door leaving a cloud of dust in my wake, but Emma’s words from the previous day echo through my head.
“I love you, Austin. Can you tuck me in to bed every night?”
I never wanted this to happen; I wasn’t supposed to get attached. Stick around long enough to make sure Gwen and Emma were safe and then get the fuck out of here. I never expected sleeping with Gwen would stir up a shit storm of foreign emotions inside of me. I never expected to spend time with a kid and actually enjoy it. What the fuck is wrong with me?
You love them, you asshole.
Oh, fuck no. That’s not it. I like spending time with them, that’s all it is. It made me wish I had a different childhood and could be a different person. Gwen was wrong, I’m not afraid; I just don’t want that kind of life.
It’s complete and total bullshit that I’m actually contemplating calling Captain Risner back and telling him to find someone else. I am not this man. Gwen and Emma have spent enough time turning me inside out and my life upside down. It’s time for me to get the fuck out of here before I do something stupid and completely fuck up my career.
William is in jail where his sorry ass belongs, Dylan isn’t a creepy ass stalker with a twenty-year old obsession and Gwen and Emma are safe now; my job is done.
Grabbing my go-back from the floor by my feet, I toss it over my shoulder, determined to stick with the plan I’ve had all along – leave when the job is finished and don’t look back.
* * *
Of course the fucking flight
is delayed. All I want to do is get out of this God forsaken town and now I’m stuck here for who knows how long. At least my connecting flight doesn’t leave until tomorrow morning so I have plenty of time.
“Daddy!”
Turning around at the sound of a little girl’s shout, I see a man in military fatigues walk through the door from the gangway with a crowd of other passengers whose plane just landed. As soon as he sees the girl, his face lights up with happiness and his eyes fill with tears. He drops his go-bag to the ground and races towards her. It’s like something out of a fucking Hallmak card or cheesy chick flick. The little girl, around Emma’s age, throws herself into his arms and he scoops her up, cradling her to him as tightly as he can.
I had seen the little girl and her mom pacing back and forth nervously with a few airport personnel while I stood here. Since 9-11, if you don’t have a ticket, you don’t get anywhere near the gate, but when it involves a soldier coming home from war, the airlines make exceptions.
Right now, I can’t take my eyes off of the scene in front of me no matter how much I want to look away. The woman joins in on the tearful reunion, wrapping her arms around both of them. The man finally looks away from the little girl to kiss his woman, telling her he loves her, and apologizing for being gone so long and missing so much.
“Baby, we were fine, you don’t have to apologize. This is what you do and I’m so proud of you. I’m just happy to have you home again,” the woman tells him through her tears.
“Daddy, can you tuck me in to bed every night now?” the little girl asks him.
My heart constricts like someone reached into my chest and wrapped their hands around it in a vice grip. It takes everything in me not to crumple to the floor in pain. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think I was having a heart attack right now, but I know that’s not it. Standing here watching this family reunite after so many months apart and seeing strength and love shining in the woman’s eyes, I realize what a huge mistake I made. Military families do this day in and day out. They say good-bye to a loved one and they do what they have to do to survive until they can be together again. It’s hard and it’s painful but if you love each other, anything is possible.
I love Gwen and Emma. I love the idea that when I leave to go on a mission, they’ll be there waiting for me with open arms when I get back. I love seeing all the pink Barbie shit strewn throughout my house and I love teaching Emma how to be a soldier. I love that Gwen will tell me when I’m being an ass and I can tell her when she’s being stubborn. I love that they both accepted me in their life and saw something in me that I never saw in myself. I don’t know how to be a husband or a father, but I can learn if Gwen and Emma will teach me. If anyone has the strength to be with a man who has a job like I do, it would be Gwen.
With one last look at the family next to me, I turn and race as fast as I can out of the airport. It’s time for me to get my head out of my ass and go get my girls; I just hope it’s not too late.
Gwen
“I
’m glad you’re coming with us
to the police station,” I tell Ellie as I make my way to Brady’s apartment – my home. Funny how quickly being with Austin made me forget where I belong.
“I just want to stop at the apartment real quick so Emma and I can change. We ran out of clean clothes yesterday.”
Ellie has been quiet since she told Austin off before we left. She keeps running her hand through her hair nervously and turning around to check on Emma in the back seat. I know she’s scared to file her own report against William and I hope she goes through with it. When she goes back to New York, she needs to be protected.
“So, Emma, how would you like to come and visit Aunt Ellie in New York some time?” Ellie asks, turning around to look at Emma.
I watch in the rearview mirror as Emma shrugs, staring out the window at the passing landscape.
“Mom, are we going back to Austin’s house later?” she asks, meeting my gaze in the mirror.
I put on a brave smile for her even though I my heart hurts just thinking about him. In the end, he didn’t want us. As much as it pains me to admit it, we’re better off without him. We deserve someone in our lives that will fight for us.
“Austin has to go away for work, baby,” I tell her, not wanting to elaborate right now. I’ll save that for later when we’re alone and I can wrap my arms around her and try to explain to her why we won’t be seeing Austin anymore.
“Will he be home soon? He was going to show me how to do push-ups like soldiers do so I can grow big and strong,” she informs me.
Ellie rolls her eyes. “Emma, Austin isn’t coming back. You’re better off without him.”