Chapter Seventeen
Zack
I’m
in agony. Absolute agony.
I
can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I can’t do anything but think about
her
. She’s
the first thing that enters my mind when I wake up from a restless night’s sleep
and she’s the last face I see inside my head before I switch out the bedroom
light. I don’t know where to go from here, I don’t know what to do to make this
excruciating torment go away.
I
know I fucked up yet
again
the day I found out she had been hanging out
with my brother but I just couldn’t help it at the time. I was half insane with
jealousy, picturing the two of them together and I just reacted before I had a
chance to think things through. I knew I’d made a mistake as soon as I put the
phone down after my conversation with her that day. I felt really bad for the
way I treated her and knew I had a lot of apologising to do.
Words
cannot describe how close I came to punching my own brother when I first saw
him. I was still mad as hell and needed someone to take all of my frustrated
aggression out on. Knowing he had spent intimate time with Sam was enough to
push me over the edge and I lashed out as soon I set eyes on him, grabbing him
by scruff of his neck before I slammed my body against his into the wall.
Two
weeks earlier.
“What
the hell do you think you’re playing at? Why the fuck would you go to her
apartment?” I growled, striving to control the rage that was threatening to
take over.
“What
the fuck has that got to do with you?” He taunted me, trying to relieve some of
the pressure I had been deliberately applying against his throat.
“More
than you know.” I snarled, forcefully yanking his head forward before smashing
it back against the wooden door behind him.
“You’re
fucking crazy.” He mumbled, frantically trying to relieve some of the pressure
being enforced upon him.
“And?
You think I don’t know that?” I jeered, mocking the absurdity of the situation.
Here
was my brother telling me something that I already knew. I was pretty certain
that the grasp I had on reality was slipping, it was fading right before my
very eyes and I happened to be powerless against it.
“What
the hell is going on with you, Zack?” He mumbled, gasping for air the second I
let go of him, falling to the floor beneath my feet.
“I
don’t know… I just don’t know anymore.” I confessed, collapsing against the
wall in front of me.
I
cradled my head in my hands, feeling utterly defeated and destroyed.
“Something’s
eating away at you, Zack. It’s ruining you from inside and you need to let it
out before it kills you.”
The
fact that my brother chose not to retaliate, the fact that he didn’t fight back
just goes to prove how bad he thought things were for me. Never in my life have
I been vulnerable, never have I been left exposed or weak. I’ve always been the
guy who has it sorted, I’ve always been the one who holds it together, never
gets his heart broken. The one all the other blokes envy, the one they all want
to be.
“Perhaps
I’m really going mad.” I whispered incoherently. “Maybe this is what insanity
feels like.”
“Look,
whatever it is… just get a grip. Fix whatever it is you’ve done wrong and make
it right. You don’t have a choice, bro. If you leave things as they are, it
really will destroy you.”
Present
day…
My
brother’s advice really resonated with me that day. I realised I had to change
things and put an end to the emotional rollercoaster I had unknowingly embarked
on. I knew exactly what I wanted, who I
still
want…
Samantha.
She
consumes my thoughts, day and night. She invades my dreams and dominates the entirety
of my being. I don’t know where the fuck she is and it is slowly driving me
even closer to crazy.
After
the confrontation with my brother two weeks ago, I knew it was important for me
to go and see Sam so I could apologise to her. I needed her to know that I was
sorry for the way I spoke to her and explain that the only reason I behaved
like that in the first place was because I was jealous.
I’d
had a terrible afternoon with Rachel and my parents, making small talk and
polite chit chat about a wedding I don’t even want to go ahead. I was
frustrated, angry, confused and desperate to hurry back and see Sam. I called
my brother hoping he could take my mind off things for an hour or two, play a
round of pool and forget. You can imagine how shocked I was when he answered
his phone to tell me he was in Sam’s apartment. All I could think about was the
way that Aaron had looked at her the day he first met her. He wanted her and
made it ridiculously obvious. It made my blood boil when I thought of them
together and once I found out my brother had actually managed to get into her
apartment… I no longer had a rational thought inside my head.
I
wrongly took my anger out on Samantha that day, demanding to know what she was
playing at inviting my brother into her home. I instantly regretted my actions
and knew I had a lot of making up to do. I was more than prepared to get down
on my knees and beg her forgiveness if I had to. I was willing to do anything
if I had to except I couldn’t.
By
the time I got there she was gone.
I
must have hammered against her apartment door for an hour, hoping she was on
the other side of it and just being too stubborn to let me in right away.
I
was wrong.
She
wasn’t there that night and she hasn’t been home since. Every single night I go
around to her apartment with the hope that she will be there.
She
never is.
Her
phone has been switched off for two weeks and the only reason I haven’t phoned
the police myself is because she sent one text message to Rachel. In it she
said that she was staying with a friend, needed some space and would be in
touch. She couldn’t have been more evasive about her whereabouts and the fact
that I don’t know where she is will be my destruction in the end.
My
insomnia is making me physically ill. I’m weak, exhausted, afflicted and beyond
tormented. I can hardly bring myself to look at Rachel, unfairly blaming her
for everything that’s wrong. I’m starting to resent her and our so called
relationship, wrongly convincing myself that Samantha would never have left me
if it weren’t for her sister. I’ve been making so many excuses as to why I
can’t spend time with Rachel, running out of reasons why I can’t see her. She
knows our relationship is crumbling around us but daren’t confront me about it,
fearful and reluctant to find the truth out about what’s going on.
Today
is Saturday and I haven’t left the house all day. I know my parents are worried
sick about me, wondering what the hell is going on between me and Rachel but to
be completely honest, I no longer have the energy to even try and convince them
that I’m ok.
A
knock on my bedroom doors pulls me out of the deep trance I was in, forcing me
to verbally respond. I really can’t be assed answering anymore of my parents
questions.
“Go
away.” I groan, closing my eyes as I will the blissful oblivion of sleep to
take over.
“Zack,
it’s me, Aaron. Let me in, I need to talk to you.”
I
stare blankly at my bedroom door, glad that I actually remembered to lock it.
However, I can’t help from wondering what the hell my brother is doing back
here again so soon. He went back to Manchester a couple days after our blow out
and I haven’t heard from him since.
“We
don’t have anything to discuss.” I reply indifferently, rubbing my weary
forehead as I try to ease some of the tension that’s been building.
“It’s
about Samantha.” He replies calmly, attempting to turn the handle on my door.
I
leap off the bed within seconds and tear open my door in an instant.
“What
about her?” I demand. “Where is she? Tell me what you know.”
“I
don’t know anything, Zack. I’m sorry.”
“You
just mentioned her name.” I say fiercely, ready to rip his head off if he
thinks he can fuck around mentioning her.
“I
only said it so you would get you off your ass and let me in.” He shrugs as
though it’s no big deal, shoving me to the side so he can get past.
“You
think this is fucking funny?” I yell, slamming my bedroom door closed behind
us.
The
last thing I need right now is my parents overhearing any of this, although I’m
pretty sure they went out about an hour ago. No doubt this was all arranged by
them, making themselves scarce so Aaron could talk some sense into me in
private.
“No,
I don’t find any of this funny, Zack. What I do find strange is the fact that
the only thing that’s been able to motivate you in weeks is the mention of your
fiancé’s sister. That’s strange, right?”
“And
what the hell do you know about it?” I growl, moving towards him as my rage
increases, clenching my fists as I try to gain some sort of control over my
aggression.
“Mum
and dad are worried about you. They called me and asked if I would come back
home to make sure that you’re ok. They want me to see if I can talk some sense
into you and find out what’s going on.”
“That’s
no one else’s business but mine.” I retort sharply, pacing back and forth
across the room in a desperate attempt to calm myself down.
“And
Sam’s, right?”
“What
are you trying to say?”
“Come
on, Zack. It’s pretty obvious. The way you flipped out on me that day was
enough to make me realise that something real shady has been going on between
the two of you. All I did was hang out with her and you went crazy on me. Then
there was the day at the house, you wanted me nowhere near her then either and
now it’s all starting to make sense.”
He
sounds utterly convinced and so damn certain, it pisses me off. I want to prove
him wrong. I want to be able to tell him that he’s got it all wrong and that
his assumptions are false… but the truth is I just can’t. I don’t want to deny
this any longer, I don’t have the strength to.
“You
have no idea what you’re talking about.” I eventually respond, unable to come
up with anything plausible.
“Don’t
I?” He asks, almost daring me to go ahead and refute it. “You’re ignoring your
fiancé, you attacked me when you wrongly assumed that I was interested in Sam
and you’ve completely lost the frigging plot since she disappeared. It’s now
become obvious how you feel about her.”
“How
do
you
know about her being gone?” I exclaim, whirling around to face
him. “Has she been in touch with you?”
The
idea of Samantha contacting my brother consumes me with rage, I don’t even
think I’d be able to handle it but at least I would know that she was safe.
“Of
course she hasn’t. Rachel was the one who let me know about it. She’s worried
sick about her too, Zack. Samantha is her sister and you’ve hardly done a thing
to support her in all of this.” He reprimands me firmly, stirring up the unwanted
guilt that’s been inside of me for a long while.
“I
know. I know all of this, Aaron. You don’t have to tell me.”
“Look,
you’re no use to anyone like this. Why don’t we get out of here for a little while
and go get a drink? You must be going stir crazy stuck in here all day.” He
suggests, already making his way out the door.
“I
really don’t feel like going out right now.” I complain, tempted to slam the
door behind him and lock it once again.
“I
know you don’t feel like it but it’s what we’re doing. I mean it, Zack. No
arguments. Get your coat.”
I
grabbed a quick shower before we left, threw on some fresh clothes and I was
ready to go. Aaron suggested that we head out into town for a few drinks before
going onto a club. I honestly cannot be assed going anywhere else after here
and that’s what I plan on telling him when he gets back from the bar with my
drink. I’m sitting at one of the round tables, observing the nameless patrons
around me. Most of them are laughing and joking, giving off the perfect impression
of those who have a perfect life. It’s as though they don’t have a care in the
world. There’s nothing troubling them, no problem that keeps them awake at
night. Their existence is easy. It’s effortless and I’ve never felt so envious
of complete strangers.
“Here
you go.” Aaron slides my glass across the table. “A scotch.”
I
down it within seconds, savouring the burning sensation it makes as it glides
down my throat.
“I
need another.” I demand, unceremoniously wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.
“You
sure about that? I’m guessing you haven’t eaten anything and I don’t want you
legless before we even get started.”
“You
want me to talk, don’t you?” I retort sharply. “So get me another.”
He
does as I ask, shaking his head as he makes his way back over to the bar. I
quickly slip back into my contemplation, remembering the last time I drank
scotch. It was the night I stayed at the hotel with Sam. She was so nervous
when she arrived, I thought I should try and help her relax by offering her a
drink, hoping she would feel more at ease with me.