A Mother's Secret (34 page)

Barbie headed toward the house. Although she’d tried to act as if she was fine, she was fuming on the inside. She’d hoped the gossip wasn’t true when her neighbor told her that she’d seen Joshua taking Carolyn home late last night. Barbie believed her son when he said nothing inappropriate happened, but she knew the gossip would probably spread throughout the community. She needed to find a way to convince Joshua that Carolyn wasn’t the right woman for him. She wasn’t certain what that would take, but she believed she still had a chance. After all, Joshua and Carolyn weren’t married yet!

She climbed the porch steps while trying to think of a plan. She would find a way to keep them apart. She was determined to get a more compliant daughter-in-law this time. Somehow she would make that happen.

NINETEEN

C
arolyn smiled as she worked in her garden at home on a Thursday morning. The warm April sun warmed the back of her neck and the colorful flowers seemed to smile back at her.

For the past two weeks, in keeping with the Amish dating tradition for older singles, Joshua had come to visit her multiple times in the evening after her parents were asleep. He had also come for supper and stayed to play games with her parents, Benjamin, and her. And she’d spent time over at his farm tending to the garden with Rosemary’s assistance. The vegetables were starting to sprout, just like their relationship.

Her family approved of him, and even though he hadn’t officially asked her, it seemed as if he wanted to date her. She was so happy that she found herself humming and smiling constantly. She had never been so happy. She was so thankful she’d found someone who shared similar hopes and dreams. Joshua seemed perfect. He was funny and sweet, and most importantly, he was kind to Benjamin. He was the man she’d been praying she’d meet her whole adult life.

Yet one problem remained—she hadn’t yet confessed to him
that Benjamin was her son. She needed to tell him soon, but it never seemed like the appropriate time.

Her smile disappeared as she admitted her excuse wasn’t the truth. She’d had plenty of opportunities to tell Joshua about Benjamin, but she was terrified the revelation would scare him away and she’d be back to where she started—alone. He hadn’t even clearly indicated he thought she was Benjamin’s aunt so that it would only be right to correct him.

She felt like a coward when she realized she’d been almost hoping her being Ben’s mother would come up if, in Joshua’s presence, Benjamin called her
Mamm
or her parents referred to her as his mother. With other people around, he’d be forced to take it in calmly and think about how much Ben meant to her. Hopefully he would be more likely to forgive her for waiting so long to tell him with her family supporting her and less inclined to immediately dismiss their growing relationship. But her family seemed to be waiting for her to do the right thing—tell him herself. And telling him herself was the right thing. It was what Joshua deserved.

Carolyn pulled another weed while she contemplated the problem. She promised herself that she would tell him as soon as she could. She’d instructed Benjamin to ask Joshua to follow him home and stay for supper tonight.

Tonight would be the night when she opened up and told Joshua the truth about her childhood and the truth about her son. She planned to tell him after supper. She’d get him alone and then she’d break the news. She held on to her faith that Joshua would understand and forgive her just like her mother had. Surely his love was strong enough to see past her faults.

While she finished up her weeding, she sent up a special
prayer to God, asking him to guide her words when she confessed the truth, and she prayed for the strength to find the right opportunity tonight.

Carolyn sat across from Joshua while they ate roast beef, potatoes, and carrots. She laughed while he and her father traded stories about funny farm mishaps.

She couldn’t stop thinking how perfectly Joshua fit into her family. She dreamed of marrying Joshua and living on the farm with him and Benjamin. They would invite her parents over for supper and also come back to visit her parents while they continued to live in the
daadi haus
on her brother’s farm. Life would be perfect, especially if they were blessed with more children.

Carolyn allowed that fantasy to play through her mind while they ate chocolate cake and later played Scrabble with Benjamin. The evening was perfect, and she couldn’t keep herself from smiling.

After the second round of Scrabble, Carolyn put the game away and then walked Joshua to the door. “I had a nice evening.”

“I did too.” He took her hand in his, and her heart turned over in her chest. “Would you like to take a walk with me?”

“
Ya
.” She grabbed her cloak while he pulled on his hat.

They walked out toward the barn, and he continued to hold her hand. She looked up at the bright stars twinkling in the clear sky.

“It’s a
schee
night,” she said.

“
Ya
, it is.” He stopped by a bench near the barn. “Want to sit for a minute?”

“That would be nice.” She sank onto the bench beside him.

He looked up at the sky. “Did I ever tell you about Hannah?”

“No.” She shook her head and looked down at their hands, fingers still intertwined. “You haven’t.”

“I saw her at a singing when we were teenagers,” he began. “Well, we grew up together, but I didn’t really notice her until we were older. I thought I saw her first, but
mei bruder
was the one who asked her to date him before I had a chance.”

He kept his eyes focused on the sky, and Carolyn assumed it was difficult for him to open up to her. She studied his chiseled profile and admired how attractive he was.

“I loved her,” he continued. “At least, I thought I did, but I wasn’t angry when she and Gideon fell in love with each other. I wasn’t jealous when they were married or when they had their three
kinner
.” He turned toward her, and she spotted sadness in his powder blue eyes. “I was heartbroken when Gideon died. I felt like someone had punched a hole in my heart.”

“I’m so sorry,” Carolyn whispered as tears threatened her vision.

“I thought I would never recover. He was my best friend all my life, and then he was gone.” Joshua’s voice was thick with emotion. “It was like everything changed in only a few hours. I was running a business by myself. Hannah still owned his half, but she could only take care of the books. She couldn’t actually help me with the horses and all the chores he used to do.”

She nodded.

“And then I thought that maybe I could finally have a chance with Hannah. I still loved her, and I loved her
kinner
as if they were my own. I thought we could be a family.” He turned back toward the house. “But that was a silly idea. Hannah never loved me, and
then she met that
Englisher
at the hotel and fell in love with him. When she moved out of the
haus
, I lost her and my niece and nephew. My other niece, Lillian, lives with my parents now. She’s the teacher at the school near their
haus
. I see Lily all the time, but I rarely see Amanda or Andrew now that they’re
English
.”

“That has to be so difficult,” Carolyn said while marveling at how much he was sharing with her. She felt as if he were opening his soul and letting her in.

“It is.” He gave her hand a gentle squeeze. “My nephew, Andrew, used to work with me on the farm, and he said he wanted to be my partner someday just like his
dat
was. Now he lives with Hannah and her new husband. I see him when he visits my
mamm’s haus
, but he rarely comes to the farm.”

He stared at their hands and was silent for a moment. “I was heartbroken when Hannah left. Until I met you.”

Joshua looked up at her, and the intensity in his eyes caused her pulse to race. “You changed everything, Carolyn. You made my heart beat again. You gave me hope. You brought me back to life.” He ran his thumb down her cheekbone, and she couldn’t breathe for a moment. “You’re the reason I can smile again.
Danki
, Carolyn, for teaching me how to smile again.”

“
Gern gschehne
,” she whispered with emotion choking back her words. She knew she had to tell him the truth now. This was the perfect time. Yet she hesitated as the words escaped her. She didn’t know how to confess to him that she was a mother.

Carolyn knew she had to just say it. She had to tell him that Benjamin was her son. It was now or never. She opened her mouth to speak just as her brother walked toward the barn.

“Carolyn?” Amos asked.

“Amos.” Carolyn let go of Joshua’s hand and jumped up to
her feet as worry coursed through her. She’d been caught with Joshua again. She was certain Amos was going to tell her father they’d been holding hands. “Josh and I were talking. He came for supper and then stayed to play a few games.”

“Oh.” Amos rubbed his long beard.

“You have a few beautiful horses on your farm,” Joshua said. “I was admiring them the last time I was here.”

“
Danki
. I’ve heard you have some
schee
horses as well,” Amos said. “Benjamin likes to talk about your farm all the time.”

“
Danki
.” Joshua crossed his arms over his wide chest.

The men fell into an easy conversation about horses while Carolyn stood beside them. She hoped this meant Amos would accept Joshua and not criticize her for sitting alone with him.

Amos and Joshua talked for several minutes before her brother started toward the barn.

“Well, it was
gut
talking to you,” Amos said. “
Gut nacht
.”

“
Gut nacht
.” Joshua waved toward him. He turned back to Carolyn and studied her. “You look nervous, but I don’t think he’s upset with you.”

“I’m okay.” She forced a smile despite her anxiety. “I just didn’t expect anyone to walk out here.”

He touched her hand again. “I better get going.”

“
Ya
, it’s getting late.” She walked him toward the buggy and contemplated telling him about Benjamin. Although she knew she needed to be honest with him, the moment had passed, and her courage had disappeared as soon as her brother had walked around the corner.

They stood together in front of his buggy.

“
Gut nacht
,
mei
Carolyn,” he said softly. “I’ll see you again soon.”

“I look forward to it.” She smiled up at him. “
Gut nacht
.”

Carolyn waved as Joshua’s buggy moved toward the road.

Amos came up behind her. “Did you tell him about Benjamin?”

“No.” Carolyn faced her brother. “I was going to, but you interrupted us.”

“It’s a
gut
thing I did. You two were getting too cozy out here.” He frowned. “I saw he was holding your hand. You know it’s against our beliefs to touch before marriage.”

Carolyn blew out an irritated sigh. “Of course I know that. I was reminded over and over again after I made my mistake. You don’t need to keep reminding me, Amos.”

“People are going to talk about you if they find out you’re breaking the rules with Joshua.” He paused and his expression softened as if he truly cared about her. “You do realize Joshua is going to find out the truth eventually. Don’t you think he should find out from you and not someone else?”

She nodded. “I know you’re right.”

“You need to tell him now.” Amos turned and started back toward the barn.

Carolyn stared after her brother while regret drowned her. She may have messed everything up by not telling him the truth tonight when she had the chance.

She walked slowly toward the house and found her mother standing at the counter while a pot warmed on the stove.

“Mamm?”
she asked, crossing the kitchen. “I thought you and
Dat
were in bed.”

“I’m trying your trick.”
Mamm
pointed toward the pot. “Warm milk.”

“You can’t sleep?” Carolyn leaned against the counter.

“No, I can’t.” Her mother studied her. “Is something wrong? You looked so
froh
earlier. Did Josh do something to upset you?”