On Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday
; my gym is in the morning because I have evening shifts. I know Ben doesn’t do mornings, and it would be nice if he could just make a surprise appearance, but he doesn’t.
By Wednesday, I find I am
using the silence to listen to my inner self as I do my work out, and I think... and I think... and I think! I think about how old I am... how much money I have in the bank... what I want to do with my life... and how to cut the overly protective ties that I have with Silas, in order to allow him more freedom and space to become a man!
This last one is hard. I
’ve never before realised I was going to one day be in position to allow myself to let him go! For so many years, I’ve placed Silas first; made him the centre of my world, and built my identity around saving him. Without him, am I nothing? Who am I anymore? What made him the reason for me to give myself up? Will someone save me?
I’m in the middle of a jog, and I’m beginning to hyperventilate
at the thought of such change and loss; and then I can’t help it; I start to cry, and I’m breathing even more erratic, and then there are pin-points of light, a weird lightness in my head and then there’s total blackness!
“Jade... Jade?” Paul calls me. I can hear, but for some reason I don’t realise I’m supposed to answer. “Jade? Fuck Jade, I’ll call Ben if you don’t...” he begins, “Fuck it, I’ll call him... that will get you up and about, or should I get an ambulance?” he asks.
I kind of know what he means, and I’m still focussing on the Ben part and slightly shaking my head no, but he’s off to the phone
; I think he thinks I said no to the ambulance, ouch, my head hurts, actually my forehead really, really hurts, and when I explore why I find that there’s a huge egg on it! As in supermassive lump!
I’m attempting to sit up, but I quickly realise I can’t. Shit, I need to go to the hospital to be sure I’m not too concussed, and there’s no way I should be in charge of someone’s life tonight
, I need to call in sick and go to the doctors.
Paul’s back and he’s got some ice pack in a towel, and he’s attempting to place it on my head
; but it’s hard and it hurts to have it on my lump, so I’m squirming... he’s trying to get me to be still, but I’m still a little confused.
No
, I need to get away; I don’t want to stay on the floor!
Fuck
, I need to vomit!
There’s a plant not far from me and so I try to pull myself to it to dump my watery contents all over it. I don’t make it!
I hurl all over the carpet.
Paul’s beside me again.
“You’re not pregnant are you?” he asks frantically.
“She’d need to have sex to be pregnant.” Ben says from behind us
.
I’m still really confused
, like I’ve been drinking too much! The weird thing is, is that I know that I’m freaking out, and that I’m confused, and that I should be answering these guys, and I even know who they are and everything! But I’m still confused and feel loose and weird; like floating!
Ben swoops in and grabs me up.
I’m thinking...
where are we going?
But for some stupid arse reason, my mouth won’t formulate the words.
“I’m taking you to the hospital. I think you have a concussion.” He says.
I want to ask him
how he would know that, because I think I do too,
and he answers me.
“I’ve seen enough concussions and had a few
myself to know what one is.” He says.
And now I’m thinking
,
this is fucking magic... it’s like telepathy... I think something, and you answer me!
And then he looks at me weirdly, and I’m like...
fuck me! You really can hear what I’m thinking!
“Jade
, you really do need to go to the hospital, you’ve been asking me this shit all along. You’re not thinking anything, your mouth’s running and saying everything you think that you are only thinking!” he tells me as he tucks me into his Mum’s car, and places the seatbelt on me.
I think
,
I would know if my mouth is saying stuff, because I would feel it saying stuff.
He doesn’t have an answer for that
, it could be the distance of the telepathy link, he’s outside the car! He opens the driver’s door and gets in; pulling the seatbelt over his torso.
I try again... I think I’m giggling, but I can’t be sure.
Ben is looking over his shoulder at something, and I think the vehicle is moving; I wonder about what I’m going to think to him, I make sure my mouth is closed, at least I think I do. He’s looking out the front now.
You have got to be the single most gorgeous man I’ve ever laid eyes on
.
There
, if you heard that at all, you heard it in your head, and that makes you weird too!
Ben gives me a sudden look of extreme shock and the seatbelt gets uber tight very suddenly!
What the fuck, this is seriously weird, you really do hear me!
“Jade... you are talking! That’s why I can hear you! You just told me you think I’m gorgeous and then in the same sentence said I’m weird! Which is it?” he asks. He has a grin on his face
; I think
he’s making fun of me
.
“I am making fun of you
, and I wish you’d say I’m gorgeous and stuff like that when you aren’t fucked up!” he mutters, making the car move again.
I’m going to be sick!
“Hold on, I’m pulling over!” he shouts and then suddenly he’s out of the car and on my side, reefing the door open.
Ben.
I wonder if having a concussion makes people tell the truth! I
already think Jade
perhaps
thinks I’m a decent looking guy anyway, but what if she really does think I’m the most gorgeous man she’s ever seen. I don’t see myself that way, but it would be nice if that’s what she sees when she sees me!
I’m sitting on the chair beside her
bed; I’m not leaving her by herself here. She’s got some fluids going into her, because they think she may be a little dehydrated, and that’s why she fell in the first place and hit her head.
I’m a little sick of hospitals... my Mum has been coming to the hospital so regularly, that I’m
practically on a first name basis with the staff’s family members in Oncology. Hospitals make me nervous! I’ve been feeling like shit more and more lately, and it’s only when I’m with her and her brother that I feel... anything, other than loneliness and a creeping despair!
I’ve texted Silas to let him know she’s got a concussion and that we’re at the hospital. He just sent back a
n LOL. Her work has been informed since they’re in the same building; and the doctor in Emergency at the moment has sent a medical certificate through for a whole week off.
I can’t help
but watch her, she’s laying back with her eyes closed and flinching at the sudden noises. I keep thinking of touching her hand, maybe just her fingers! I mean, I just had her in my arms an hour ago, and I’m struggling with the concept that I can’t even touch her now without it meaning more than having her body pressed up against mine!
I know it’s different, but I’
ve been running out of excuses to see her before today... to convince her that she should try me on for size, and I’m not even supposed to be chasing her.
Every day this week I’ve
justified stopping in at the Tayte house to see her, and insinuating myself into their life, dropping things off I think Silas can use or asking if I can borrow things off him. It’s stupid! I make these dumb excuses to see her, making sure I only go at times she’s there! It must be so obvious.
I
’ve really tried to stop chasing her! But then I keep remembering when I kissed her, how it was like she held my soul and healed it for just that moment... connected with hers, and then when she fled, it felt like I was even more fractured and shattered than ever before.
And
now here in this moment I can’t seem to help myself, I need to do something about it, about being here in the hospital, about the way she makes me feel... I need to talk to her, I need to start somewhere.
I want her
, I absolutely need her; and right now, I also really want her to tell me how to avoid this prison of nothingness that I’m slowly being enclosed within. It’s such a lonesomeness to watch your most loved and only living relative die and be powerless to prevent it. I want to ask her something, anything, some stuff about her perhaps!
“Jade?” I request.
“Yes Ben!” She answers; she’s talking and knows she’s talking now.
“I’m
drowning...”
shit, I meant to say I’m bored to start this conversation
; I sigh deeply, “Can I ask you some questions?” I ask a little melancholy now, and place my head in my hands.
“Sure!”
she says softly.
“What were you doing when you found out about your par
ents? Is it stuck in your head? Like you know,
I remember when
... sort of stuff?” I ask.
“It’s stuck in my head
.” she agrees softly.
I huff and nod my agreement,
yet my head remains in my hands.
“I was running around in the back yard when I found out about my Dad. It was after school and I was chasing a soccer ball. My Mum had been watching me kick goals into this lame goal I had set up made out of a sheet. She went inside to take a call, and she started screaming
; I remember that really well, but I can’t remember my Dad as well as I remember that moment. Isn’t it sad that I remember the moment of his death more than I remember any other moment in his life? I know I loved him, but all I have left is the insurance payout from his death; that pretty well set me up after I turned 21. ” I reason. It’s an argument I’ve had with myself a lot recently. My parents die, and I’m left with money and memories of their death, when all I really want is happy memories of them alive, or better still, not dead in the first place.
I
t’s a constant argument with myself now, because I’m scared that I’m going to remember my Mum as someone who was always sick and dying; because that’s what I have been watching for eight months. She’s getting worse now; I could use someone to bounce my feelings off of.
She grabs my hand off my head, and she holds it on the bed beside her. The action steals my breath.
“That’s a nice memory though, except for the end and your Mum’s grief. You were sharing a moment with your Mum, doing fun things and enjoying the afternoon.” She says, again softly.
I look at her
, her touch is already soothing. I hold her hand firmly but not tight. I want her to know that I don’t want her to let go.
“I was
naked in bed with a guy I didn’t really know!” she says bluntly, but softly.
I look at her, she’s looking at me, and then she closes her eyes and sighs.
“It’s why I got so angry that day about the comment about one night stands. I was fucking a guy for hours that night, after meeting him at a bar in town. I was supposed to meet my parents at my college room, but I slept in because I was tired from fucking him all night; and I missed all the calls. It was totally screwed!” she says.
“I’m sorry.” I say
, I don’t actually know what else to say. I’m not sure I’m sorry for the circumstances, because that’s not my fault; but I am sorry for being such a rude arsehole!
“Oh, it gets better.” She says venomously.
I look at her; she opens her eye the slightest peek and continues.
“I missed my Mum’s last phone call not long before I hooked up with the one night stand guy, because I was too busy having sex with my fuck buddy
, who was cheating on his boyfriend, who I was also friends with!” she cackles slightly, in a way that informs me she is not amused at all!
“Shit!” I say
, I mean what do you say to that? “So you don’t date or anything anymore because of your past efforts?” I ask softly.
“I’ve
tried; I’m just not the same person anymore.” She reasons.
I nod. I’m kind of glad that she’s not that
person; I’m not after another one night stand. I mean at first I was, but now, most definitely not. I haven’t had a girlfriend though since I was 20 years old and living in Sydney, just before I moved to LA.
“Okay
, so I’ll tell you how many guys I’ve slept with if you tell me how many girls you’ve slept with.” She says, obviously trying to pick the conversation up a bit out of the gloominess.
“I don’t think I want to tell you. I’m not the same person I used to be either! But the number might make you never want to have anything to do with me again!” I reason, scared shitless about the way the conversation has turned.
“I promise I won’t be scared off any more than I am all of the time anyway!” she chuckles.