In that moment it became so clear to me that he had to stay, I realised that I didn’t care how I would feel in the morning, I didn’t even care if he rejected me again, pulled away, whatever, I just had to do something to make him stay
Maybe I was not totally in charge of my actions, or maybe I was, maybe all the events of the past few weeks had been leading up to that moment, I still don’t know, all I know is that my hand moved of its own accord to pull his face down towards mine, until his lips were on mine.
How can I describe how that moment felt, it felt like I had been dying of thirst and finally, I had found water, it felt like I had been set on fire, the most beautiful, sweetest fire. I could not get enough of him.
I ignored all the voices of warning screaming in my head until I could no longer hear them over the roar of my blood in my ears, my heart was racing so fast, I thought it would burst out of my chest, my blood had turned to liquid fire in my veins. I could feel every inch of my body at the same time, and I could feel his mouth on mine and
his hands bringing my body to life, touching, stroking, and caressing me to a fever pitch
I felt Michael let go as well, I knew the moment he dropped his restraint and let his passion take over, when he groaned, and threw the covers off the bed, lifted me up and moulded my body to his own. After that, there was no more reservation, no more hesitation, I had never been
more sure
that there was nowhere else I should be, nothing else I should be doing. My body was consumed with a hunger left too long unsatisfied, and I gave myself up to it.
I gave myself up to the pleasure, sweetness and ecstasy of his touch until the whole world was just the both of us, moving together to that age old dance of pleasure, pleasure that grew and grew until it exploded all around us.
Afterwards we lay together, sated, the eager sounds of our lovemaking fading into silence as we both tried to catch our breath. I could have lain there like that till morning, holding Michael close in the aftermath of the most incredible experience I had ever had. Then he moved away, but before I could protest he was back with the covers which had somehow ended up on the floor. I giggled as he arranged them over us all the while kissing my forehead, my eyes, and my neck as I cuddled close to him. I held on tightly, pressing myself against his chest. It felt as if no matter how close I got it to him would not be close enough, so I held on as tight as I could. Because even
if he didn’t really belong to me, this night at least, he was mine only and no one could take him away.
It was already light outside when I woke up; I could hear birds and the sounds of early morning movement. For a moment I wondered what was different, and then I stretched luxuriously, smiling as the delicious memories of every sensation I had felt just hours before flooded my senses.
I realised that I was alone on the bed, where had Michael gone to? I sprang out of bed, feeling panicked, what if he had left, I wondered frantically. I quickly donned my discarded nightclothes and left the room in search of him.
Immediately I stepped into the living room, the smell and sounds of cooking, told me where he was. Relaxing, I went into the kitchen and found Michael seriously frying eggs and browning slices of bread on the toaster.
Suddenly I felt very shy, what do you say to a man the morning after? I stood there tongue tied, until he looked up at me from his cooking.
“Good morning” I said shyly.
“Good morning.” He walked over and dropped a kiss on my nose, then returned to his cooking as I stood there smiling shyly and checking out his backside in the pyjama
bottoms which were the only item of clothing he was wearing.
But seriously, he was beautiful to look at! I thought, my heart skipping as all the radiance of his smile turned on me. I couldn’t help staring at his tall slim and graceful form as he bent over the cooker. I wanted to go over to him and wrap my arms around his waist, just hold him for a moment, but something held me back. Last night was last night, today was a new day, last night he had been mine, in the light of the new day he was
Folake’s
fiancé again, there had been no declaration of love, no statement of fact to convince me that my position had changed. For all I knew he had made a mistake he was now regretting at this very moment.
I searched his face for any sign of what he was thinking. He looked serious but that may have been because he was concentrating on the eggs. I sighed.
“You have to stop looking at me like that.” He said with a mischievous grin. “Or I won’t be responsible for what I do.”
“How am I looking at you?” I asked, embarrassment washing over my face. “I’m not even looking at you.”
He laughed. “So you say.” He paused. “I can handle breakfast.” He said. I watched as he turned off the gas,
“Just go freshen up or something.” He smiled. “Breakfast will be served in a moment.”
I wandered listlessly to my room, to wash my face and brush my teeth. Had anything changed? I wondered. Were we still friends? Were we now illicit lovers? (How I hated that word, lovers), or were we now something else, something I had dreamed of us becoming, something I had wished for.”
I started to analyse every expression I had seen on his face, the tone of his voice, the things he had said. My stomach filled with dread as fear started to grow in my heart. What if he walked out of my life now and never came back, or what if nothing changed, what if he left my flat to
Folake’s
waiting arms and forgot about last night. How could I bear to let go, especially after what had happened.
I washed my face and stared at myself in the bathroom mirror. What had I done? All the voices that had gone silent in my head since the night before now resumed with double intensity. “You’ve cheapened yourself’ they screamed at me. ‘You’re his mistress now, his other woman, his girl on the side.’
But he loves me, I thought defensively, he loves me, he said so last night. But another part of me acknowledged that words said in the depths of sleep didn’t matter, and
even if they did, haven’t men been known to say as much to get what they want?
Michael is not like that, I told myself firmly. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. I left the bathroom feeling a little surer of myself.
I heard him talking on the phone before I entered the living room, as I stepped into the living room I heard him say “I’ll be right there” then cut the connection.
As I walked closer, I saw that he had arranged breakfast on a tray and placed it on a stool in front of the couch. He smiled at me beckoning for me to come and sit. As I went to the couch I couldn’t help wondering who he had been talking to, wondering if it was Folake, but I didn’t ask him.
“That looks nice.” I said, looking at the nicely browned slices of bread, scrambled eggs and steaming coffee. I looked up at him, smiling.
I noticed that he looked a little distracted. “Is everything okay” I asked, trepidation building up in my stomach.
“Yes.” He said. “But, I need to leave; I have to quickly get to my house.” He said apologetically. “You don’t mind having breakfast alone. Do you?”
I swallowed. This was the confirmation of all my fears, I thought. I felt like dirty bathwater, after the plug has been
pulled. With no control as I was pulled out of the bath to join the sewer waters below. I think I felt my heart actually break, because there was a pain in my chest I couldn’t explain. It was cold and it was heavy and it felt like it would never go away.
So this was how it would go I thought, watching his face as he waited for my reply, he had had me, now he couldn’t wait to leave.
I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing how painful this was for me, I swore silently. Never again, he could go back to his fiancée and he had better stay there because I would never open my doors to him again.
It took all my effort. But I managed to shake my head with a small humourless smile. “I don’t mind.” I said.
I had placed his suitcase at the corner of the couch, I watched as he rummaged in it for something to wear. He finally found some clothes and went into my room to change. In those few moments I was alone, I started to feel rage building inside me like a wave. How dare
he
! I thought, how dare
he
! From day one, he had come into my life and unsettled me in every way. And I had let him! How could I have let him?
In less than five minutes he was out of my room, fully dressed. So fast, I thought, he really couldn’t wait to leave could he? Was that his modus operandi? Have your fun,
make them breakfast and scram? I suddenly felt the need to scream. I wanted to break something, to hit him. But I just stood there and watched as he picked up his suitcase and came towards me
“I won’t be long.” He said his face inches from mine. “I’ll be back in a couple of hours then we can talk.”
I drew in a deep breath. Talk I thought, why would I wait here for him to come and talk, to tell me what? How he’s sorry for last night? For the second time in my life he would take my body and then tell me how sorry he is! I fumed. Or maybe he wanted to talk about how we had best continue now that we’ve started. Somehow somewhere in my mind I knew I was being unjust to him, that I was taking my accusations too far in my mind, but I didn’t care. I could only think of how foolish I had been to imagine that he had been mine even for a second.
I shrugged nonchalantly, determined to end it before he had a chance. “Talk about what?” I asked.
He paused, a confused expression creeping into his face.
“About last night, of course.”
“What about it?” I asked, still looking nonchalant. “Don’t worry Michael, forget about it” I paused and moved to unlock the front door. “I already have.”
I opened the door, and stood by it, not looking at him. The silence grew heavier and I kept on looking at the floor,
at the corridor, anywhere but at him. Why doesn’t he just leave? I thought, make it easier for me, I couldn’t cry while he was standing there. Just leave so I can cry in the privacy of my own home. I screamed inwardly. At least he wouldn’t leave me with the knowledge that I was heartbroken because of him. I wouldn’t be one of those pitiable girls hanging unto his sleeves begging him to reconsider.
“Sophie!” His voice was like granite, I looked up at him, and stepped back, I had never seen him look so mad. “Sophie, close the door.” He said
I wanted to argue, but in the face of all that anger, I caved in and did as he said. I shut the door and stalked back into the apartment, my arms folded across my chest.
He dropped the suitcase. “Am I missing something?” He asked quietly.
“I don’t know” I countered. “Does it look like you’re missing something?”
“For
Gods
sake.”
He exploded. “What is wrong with you?”
With me! I felt the anger bubbling inside me, ready to explode but I stubbornly kept silent. What a nerve he had, I thought, to suggest that there was something wrong with me
“What are you saying? Sophie.” He asked quietly. “Are you saying that last night meant nothing to you?”
It must have meant a lot to you, I thought, enough to make you scram back to your fiancée’s arms in the first light of day. I shrugged. “So what if that’s what I’m saying? Why are you making a big deal out of it?”
“A big... what!!!”
He looked incredulous. “So what are you saying? I was just a warm body in a spot of cold weather? Is that what you’re saying?” He took in my stubborn silence. “You’re unbelievable!” He said.
“No, you’re unbelievable!” I accused, my voice rising. “What do you think I am?” I asked, my anger of the last few minutes rising to a crescendo. ‘Do you think I’m some slut you can just toss into bed and then rush off as soon as you want into the precious arms of your darling Folake?” I paused, her name was bitter in my mouth and I spat it out with an effort. “I’m not a plaything and I won’t be your mistress, and if you walk out of that door now.” I pointed towards the front door “Please do not come back, please do not call me” I sniffed angrily as all the pent up tears threatened to escape from my eyes. My voice broke. “Please just disappear from my life
Michael,
I never want to see you again.”
As I completed my tirade, I angrily wiped the tears from my eyes and looked up to see the expression of shock on his face.
“What are you talking about?” He asked. He looked amazed.
I burst into
tears,
I had spent all my energy in being angry it felt like I could hardly stand. Why couldn’t he just go and leave me alone with my tears. I collapsed on the couch, gracelessly losing the battle with my tears
I felt, more than saw him come towards
me,
I stiffened as he dropped unto his knees in front of me. “I’m sorry Sophie.” He said softly. “I didn’t realise.”
Oh just go away! I thought, ashamed of my tears, why couldn’t he just go.
“I’m sorry” he continued, his voice still soft. He kept on saying it over and over, and then I felt him put his arms around me. My body stiffened,
then
relaxed as he stroked my hair. “I’m sorry” he continued. “I should have explained.” He paused and got up to sit beside me on the couch. “I have some documents in my suitcase that are needed today in my office.” He said. “A dispatch rider had been sent to my house to pick them
up,
I was just going to give them to him.