No one can understand the kind of elation that conversation gave me, what I had always seen as impossible, now seemed like a distant possibility at least. Even when we started talking about other things, hilarious pickup lines and such, my heart kept soaring. Yes! Yes! Yes! I was going to marry him!
However, nothing ever came of that conversation, somehow, the school year passed, our friendship continued, and his graduation came around.
Even though every day I fell more in love with him.
Sometimes it was like a fever, all the time we spent together was like some sort of sweet torture. I had to pretend all the time, that I wasn’t dying for him, that it wasn’t all I wanted for him to tell me that he couldn’t wait any longer and would I please go out with him.
It was hard to convince my friends that we weren’t dating; everyone thought we were, if only they knew.
By the time his graduation came around, I was convinced that he really didn’t have feelings for me, that he had only been teasing me that day, and that we were and would only ever be friends. I had also heard millions of rumours, a girlfriend he had at home, in another school, outside the country, etc.
On the day of his convocation, his whole family came to school, and there was a huge party. I had met his mother before, but now I also met the rest of the family, they made such a fuss over me, it felt like I was the one celebrating something.
The next day, after his family had left him to pack up his stuff and come join then at home, I called him to ask how the packing was going.
“Horrible” he had replied, sounding dejected on the phone and begging me to come keep him company.
He sounded so miserable, I readily accepted.
I had been to his rooms a lot of times; it was a self-contained apartment close to the campus. I had done a lot of my studying there. Whenever he travelled, he would leave me his keys and I would sleep over there until he returned, watching cable television and trying to match his prowess on the play station.
When I got there that day though, all his stuff had been packed into boxes and cartons, apart from the blue rug that lined the whole apartment, which he was leaving because he had no place for it at home, the apartment looked stripped. I could see why he was depressed.
“My house has disappeared” he said when he saw me, with mock desperation, he looked so comic, I burst out laughing.
“Seriously though” he said, when the merriment was over. “Tell me you will stay here and I’ll unpack right now and return everything to how it used to be. Please.”
He had offered me the apartment before. I had only refused because my parents had no intention of letting me stay outside the campus hostel for my first three years of school and I didn’t want any of my numerous guardians sending bad reports to them.
“Sorry” I said soothingly, “No again. Anyway, it looks like you’ve finished packing, there’s nothing for me to help you with”
“I just stuffed everything into boxes and cartons” he said with a slight grimace “I’ll sort through them when I get home”
“How are you going?” I asked. I knew all his stuff would never fit into his car.
“I got a truck to take the stuff home” he informed me. “It will be here soon” he frowned. “I will be leaving later today, after the truck leaves”
“
Awww
!”
I exclaimed “I’ll miss you so much” I couldn’t help
it,
I went to him and hugged him tighter than I had ever hugged him before. He was my closest friend and constant companion, his leaving was devastating for me.
He seemed surprised at first, we hadn’t really been the touchy,
huggy
, kind of friends, but after his initial hesitation, he hugged me back.
Then he kissed me.
My first kiss.
It was crazy, one minute my arms were around him in a very platonic friendly hug, the next, I was on
fire,
and no matter how he much touched me, it was not enough.
We made love, my first time, in his room, on his soft blue rug. It was the best thing that had ever happened to me and his passion, his eagerness, the expression on his face when he touched me, when he lost control, made me feel like I was the queen of the earth and sky.
Afterwards, as he held me and stroked my hair, my body was singing with pleasure, I couldn’t believe I had waited so long. I thought of how we had wasted a whole year we could have had together and I felt so sad I wanted to cry.
It was around then that he got up, leaving me on the floor, I lay there wondering what was wrong because, I could have lain in his arms until forever ended.
“I’m sorry.” I heard him say.
I couldn’t even process what he was talking about, but suddenly, I started to feel naked. I found my blouse and
held it against my chest. As a covering for my nakedness and also I think, as protection from whatever it was he was going to say.
“I’m sorry.” He repeated “I really hate the fact that I have done this to you.”
Done what, didn’t he know that everything he had done to me had made me feel beautiful beyond words? But then, he looked so guilty that I began to wonder, what was he saying, was he sorry because he had taken advantage of me?
Because that could only mean that he had no intention of our little incident becoming more than that, an incident.
I kept on looking at his face, trying to read what I saw there, of course he felt bad, I thought. This was
Jambite
rush, a year too late perhaps but still the same thing. And he was feeling guilty because it was me, me who was innocent, me who had never been anything but nice to him.
Suddenly, I was angry, I got up and started to dress as fast as I could. “Look” I said, doing my best to sound confident, as though I didn’t care, even though inside, I was shaking with disappointment, hurt and anger. “Let’s just forget this happened okay, obviously we both made a mistake”
“I didn’t, Sophie.” He said, looking dejected. “I’ve wanted to do that for a very long time”
“Really” I raged “Exactly how long have you been planning my seduction, and is it coincidence or just some kind of poetic injustice that it took place on your last day?
“I didn’t plan anything.” He denied, “Look Sophia, I’m sorry you feel the way you do but I don’t regret what’s happened here.”
I wasn’t really listening; I was trying too hard not to cry. By now I was done putting my clothes back on. Without a word I picked up my bag and left. I started to cry as soon as I had closed the door behind me.
We never spoke again after that day, not for lack of trying on his part. He did call, over and over again. But I couldn’t bring myself to speak to him. I was still trying to understand what had happened and still too confused and angry to talk to him. I changed my number after a while, when
sim
cards got really cheap and then I heard from Eddie that he had travelled to the US for a master’s degree. Over the years Eddie kept me updated, he told me that Michael was working somewhere in the US, and then later that he was thinking of coming back. I always listened. Sometimes I would imagine what life was like for him. I missed him and I wondered if he didn’t miss me too.
Life went on though, I graduated, served, started ‘Living Lagos’ and gave up on ever loving any other man the way I still loved Michael.
I had confided my feelings to Ada on one of the ‘Girl’s night in’ days at my flat. Drunk on red wine, maudlin on romance movies and incensed by a picture of him I had seen on a friends Facebook page. I told her everything while she listened patiently.
“I think you overreacted.” She had said at last. “I don’t understand all
your
vexing and not picking his calls, you should have at least talked to him.”
I had told myself the same thing over and over for years so I couldn’t bring myself to argue with her. So we went back to oohing and
aahing
over his picture and how handsome he looked. Before the day was over Ada made me promise that if I ever had a chance I would see him, talk to him and see how it went from there.
“You never know” she said. “You might just see him and wonder what you ever saw in him.”
Very unlikely, I remember thinking.
Now here I was in my flat, with no idea what to wear. I was in a panic. I didn’t want to be too dressy, and make him think I was trying too hard. But I didn’t want to dress down either. Half of my wardrobe was on the bed and I still hadn’t decided. I almost gave up and stayed home.
The phone rang. It was Ada, of course.
“Have you left yet?” she asked.
“No!” I replied dejectedly. “I’m not going. I have nothing to wear”
“Of course you do” she said. “You have lots of lovely clothes”
“Well they’re hiding somewhere” I said petulantly.
“Because I haven’t seen any of them.”
“You’re just panicking.” Ada said. “You’re afraid to go and see the man you know is the love of your life.” She continued. “Just relax” She coaxed. “You’re beautiful, in fact you’re
stunning,
forget about him for a moment and just dress up for a fabulous night out.”
Easy for her to say, I thought.
At last I decided to wear a simple black dress, which went really well with my light skin, with a pair nude coloured shoes and a matching clutch. I wore simple gold accessories and pinned my hair up. Combined with my barely there makeup, I looked simple but really elegant. Classy, as my mother would have said.
It was a short drive to the MUSON centre. When I got there the event had just started. I saw Ada, looking odd in jeans and a T-shirt, taking pictures of people at the entrance. She saw me and gave me two thumbs up. I smiled, relaxing a bit.
As soon as I entered the hall, my eyes started to scan the place for Michael. I didn’t see him. I tried to ignore the pang of disappointment in my stomach as I searched for my seat.
There was funny couple on my table, both husband and wife in their sixties, who adopted me as soon as I sat down and before long, had me laughing at their stories on how they met.
“He walked up to me and said he was going to marry me!” The lady told me with a smile. “And I told him to get in line.”
“Then I told her I was starting a new line.” Her husband said with a self-satisfied chuckle.
“Then I asked him what he had that my other beaus didn’t.” The lady said still smiling, “and do you know what he said?” She asked me.
I shook my head.
“He said marry me and you’ll find out!”
“She couldn’t resist that!” Her husband laughed. “She just had to know.”
It continued like that all evening and even helped to ease my tension a bit. But I still couldn’t forget why I was there. Michael Ade Cole was like a weight, holding my mind in one place and no matter what I did, I couldn’t turn it away from him.
I had psyched myself to be cool when I finally saw him, but when I did see him all that preparation went out of the window. Somehow as soon as he came in, I knew he was in the room, my eyes went to the entrance and there he was, still beautiful, like some sort of god. I watched him stride into the hall, following an usher to a table at the front. As he passed by my table I thought I saw him pause
and almost turn around, but then he kept on walking, and joined his sister at their table.
“Are you all right?” It was the old lady. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
“I’m fine” I reassured her, smiling quickly.
She pursed her lips. “Why are you here alone anyway?” She asked as if I had affronted her. “A beautiful girl like you should be here with one of her beaus. I always had someone to escort me when I was your age.”
“Times have changed” her husband quipped. “These
days
girls impress each other with their careers, not with the men on their arm.”
At one point Ada came up to me and whispered in my ear. “Babes, I saw him and he is hot!!! How did you ever let that one get away?”
I shook her away and then stole a glance at him. Yes, he was handsome, more handsome than I remembered. I sighed. It hurt to even look at him.
The event drew towards the end. The last of the comedians and dancing troupes had concluded their acts and Michael’s sister gave her vote of thanks. Everyone was up and socializing. I got up. There was only one way to do this. If I was going to find out if my feelings for Michael
would ever result in anything after all this time, then I was going to have to go to him.
He was standing towards the front of the room, smiling and talking with a slender woman who, as far as I could see was being very receptive to whatever it was he was saying. Of course I had known that he might bring a date, but the sight was much more
unamusing
that the thought. I didn’t pause though, I walked towards him, my steps purposeful, inside I was a knot of nerves, but outside, I am sure I looked like the most confident girl in the room.
I was halfway to him before he raised his eyes.
And looked right into mine.
I paused.