Authors: Kimberla Lawson Roby
N
ORMALLY,
I didn’t weigh myself in the evening, but I stepped onto my chrome-trimmed scale and waited for the digital readout. I’d done exceptionally well all day long, only eating what was allowed, but I was still concerned about that pound I had gained. I’d discovered it first thing this morning and I knew this was a result of all those doughnuts I had eaten. Of course, I was wishing I hadn’t purchased them, but last night had been a depressing time for me. It had been a time when I wasn’t feeling all that great about myself and I was worried that Rico didn’t want me. I worried that he was losing interest in what we had together and that my latest attempt at trying to lose weight was hopeless. Then, subconsciously, I worried about Taylor and what she was going through medically.
I stepped off the scale, and thankfully, I still weighed the same as I had this morning. This was a good thing because chances were I could lose that extra pound with no problem.
Next, I walked over to my vanity and started applying my makeup. I’d already finished my hair, and while Rico wasn’t planning to pick me up for another hour, I didn’t want to wait until the last minute to get ready. We’d made plans to see a movie and then have dinner afterward.
I pulled out six cosmetic brushes, one to apply foundation, one to set it with powder, one to apply blush, two to apply eye shadow, and one for my lip color. Once upon a time, the only brushes I had ever used were those that came with each product. But then one day, one of the Lancôme reps had insisted that brushes were a necessity. She explained that if I used them, my makeup would go on so much more smoothly and a lot more evenly. At first, I’d decided that she was simply trying to make a sale and that I didn’t really need what she was suggesting, but the more she spoke the more I understood what she was saying. So, before I knew it, I had spent well over a hundred dollars and was on my way out to the parking lot.
But I had to admit that it was a good decision because I’d soon started receiving a ton of compliments on how perfect my makeup looked. It became so noticeable that Taylor and even Charisse, the woman who never took advice from anyone, had rushed out to buy the same thing. And best of all, a Mary Kay consultant had asked if I wanted to become one of her models and attend some of her parties. Which I still couldn’t fathom because who in their right mind would want to see a two-hundred-plus woman modeling anything? It didn’t make much sense to me, and while the woman had called me periodically for two straight months, I’d never agreed to do it. I’d chickened out the same as always. Still it was nice to know that someone had actually been interested.
When I finished the final touches, I walked out into my bedroom and picked up the outfit I’d purchased earlier. I’d been trying hard not to buy anything expensive, not with me still losing weight, but when I’d seen this periwinkle V-necked sweater, I hadn’t been able to bypass it. Plus, I couldn’t imagine not buying it when I was now able to wear it one size smaller. This, for some, would have been a tiny feat, but for me it was something to be very proud of.
I sprayed on Sicily, my favorite cologne, and slipped on my new sweater and a pair of black pants. Actually, I didn’t look half bad, and I was hoping Rico felt the same way. I wanted him to be content because it still bothered me that he had never gone out with someone my size. There was still a part of me that wondered when he was going to inform me that he couldn’t take it anymore. But hopefully, it wouldn’t be tonight—and definitely not before my reunion.
I still had maybe another half hour so I went into the family room and turned on the CD player. Anthony Hamilton belted out strong, endearing lyrics the way I wanted him to. I’d loved this man’s work from the moment I’d first heard it.
I sat down on the sofa, flipping through the latest issue of
Essence,
but my doorbell rang. Rico was early, but I was fine with that because I was completely ready.
However, when I opened the door, my heart sank. I wasn’t sure why they were here, but my mother and sister just stared at me. I stared right back and then finally my mother spoke up.
“Bet you didn’t expect to see us, did you?” she said, walking in without being asked.
“I hope we didn’t interrupt anything,” Tina said, following behind her.
I was still speechless, but I closed the door and joined those two skinny witches in the family room. I would never mention it, but with both of them having the same shoulder-length weave, the same mocha complexion, and being about the same height, they actually looked like sisters. Not to mention they both had that same irritating voice I hated hearing.
“Are you expecting someone?” Mother said.
“Actually, I am,” I said, already wishing they would leave.
“Who?” Tina asked.
“A friend.”
“Oh. Well, Mother and I were just in the area and we figured we’d stop by.”
I didn’t say anything.
“You are okay with this, aren’t you?” Mother asked.
“I’m fine. I won’t be able to visit with you for very long, but this is fine.”
“I guess we could have called, but since you’re my daughter, I didn’t think it was necessary,” Mother said.
Well, it was necessary and I wish you wouldn’t just drop in like this.
That’s what I wanted to say, but I held my tongue.
“This is fine,” I said again. “So, how have you been?”
“Fine,” she said, and I wondered how many more “fines” we were going to exchange. It was a sad day in America when this was the only thing a mother and daughter could think to say to each other.
“Good,” I said.
“We went shopping all day today,” Tina boasted. “And we bought a lot of nice stuff. There were so many sales at the mall.”
“Really?” I said. I already knew about the sales because I’d gone to the mall myself, but I acted as though I was surprised by it.
“I bought two pairs of shoes, a pair of fitted boots, two cashmere sweaters, a pair of riding pants, and a leather jacket,” Tina continued.
“What did you buy, Mother?” I asked, hoping Tina would shut her trap.
“Oh, not a lot. Just a new fur coat.”
“I’ll bet that’s nice,” I said. “I know you love those.”
“It’s beautiful,” Mother said. “I’ve been wanting a full-length sable for quite some time. It’s sort of an early birthday present to myself.”
Tina cut her eyes at me but I ignored her.
“So, who are you expecting?” Mother asked.
“He’s just a friend,” I said.
“He?” Tina said.
“Yes.”
“So, you’re going out on a date?” Mother said.
“Yes.”
“And who is this person?” Mother asked, and I knew right then that the conversation was about to head downhill.
“I met him at the health club.”
“Health club?” Tina asked. “Since when did you start going there?”
“Last week.”
“Well, is it helping?” she said, smirking.
“As a matter of fact, it is, Tina. As a matter of fact, I’ve lost ten pounds,” I said, proudly.
“Ten pounds? Where? Because to me, you don’t look any different.”
“Well, maybe it’s because you haven’t seen me in a while,” I explained.
“I guess,” Tina said, raising her eyebrows.
“Are you watching what you eat?” Mother asked.
“Yes. I’m watching my carbohydrates.”
“So, are you saying you’re not eating any bread, sweets, or anything with sugar?” Mother said, clearly not believing me.
“Yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying.”
“Hmmph,” Mother grunted. “Well, I sure hope you can keep it up this time.”
And I sure hope I never have to see you again.
I wanted so desperately to tell Mother just that but I didn’t want to disrespect her. Mostly, I didn’t want to work myself into a frenzy before Rico got here.
“What did you have to eat today?” Tina asked.
“Why?”
“I’m just asking because I just can’t believe you’re not eating any sweets. And what about soda? Because I remember a time when you would drink whole six-packs in one afternoon. Especially, when we were in high school.”
“Well, I wouldn’t worry about it, Tina. I’m doing what I need to do for me and it’s really none of your business.”
“Your sister is only trying to encourage you,” Mother said, and I wanted to punch her. Sadly enough, I wanted to assault my own mother, and I hated when she forced me to feel like this.
“Mother, why do you always take Tina’s side with everything?”
“I don’t. I only stand up for what’s right, and right now, you’re wrong for speaking to your sister like this.”
“What?” She’s the one who’s being rude to me. And in my own house for that matter.”
“Mother, let’s go,” Tina said, standing up.
“This is such a shame,” Mother said, still sitting. “It’s such a shame, Whitney, that you can’t get along with your only sister. Especially since I raised you so much better than that.”
“No, Tina is the one who can’t get along with me. She’s always picked with me and I refuse to put up with it anymore.”
Mother finally stood up and then said, “I hate saying this, but the reason you act this way is because of how you look. All that weight has you miserable and it has you taking out your frustrations on your sister. Sometimes you even take it out on me, but I don’t let it bother me because I know you can’t help it.”
I could feel my heart beating rapidly and my hands felt sweaty, but this was not uncommon. Not when I had to physically see and deal with these two tramps standing before me. I hadn’t planned on attacking them, but if they didn’t leave soon, they would leave me no choice.
“Mother, I’m really sorry to hear that you feel that way, and maybe it’ll be best if the two of you just leave.”
“This is so typical,” Tina said, snickering.
“Meaning what?” I asked.
“You getting upset because I look better than you. You getting upset because you can’t get a man. You getting upset because Mom and I are best friends. Shall I go on?”
“No, that’s quite enough. But for the record, I don’t care about any of what you just said. And if you think I’m jealous of you in any way, you need to think again. I mean, why would I envy any woman who slept with a married man for three years, was stupid enough to get pregnant by him and then think he was going to leave his wife?”
I felt redeemed when I saw the shock on my mother’s face.
“Yeah, Mother,” I continued. “I’ll bet you didn’t know about your precious little girl stalking one of the vice presidents where she used to work and him getting a restraining order against her. I’ll bet you didn’t know he gave her money to get rid of that baby she was carrying and then made her resign from the company. And I’m positive you don’t know that Ms. Thing here started having sex when she was only eleven.”
“You’re a liar,” Tina yelled. “Mother, she’s lying on me and she knows it.”
“I know,” Mother said, caressing my sister’s back, both of them walking to the front door.
“Whitney, you should be ashamed of yourself,” Mother said. “I mean, I knew you were jealous of Tina, but this is insane. You’ve really gone too far this time.”
I shook my head, trying to understand how my mother could disregard what I was saying. Because the thing was, I would never lie on my sister. I wondered why Mother didn’t want to hear how sneaky Tina was, because she had always been that way since we were children.
“I am so disappointed in you,” Mother said, looking back at me when they both stepped outside.
“Well, you know what, Mother, not as disappointed as I am in you.”
“Disappointed why, Whitney?”
“Because you’ve always treated me so terribly. And the more I think about it, Tina is only being the person you taught her to be.”
“You’re talking crazy, girl,” Mother said.
“No I’m not. When we were children, you slept with more married men than I can count. So, my guess is that you’re not all that shocked about Tina doing the same thing. You’re just shocked that she never told you about it.”
“I won’t listen to this,” she said, and they started walking.
I watched and waited until they were ready to get into the car.
“Oh, and Mother,” I said, “one last thing…have a great time at your
surprise
birthday party on November twentieth.”
She stared at me in a dejected sort of fashion, and next I saw Rico parking his SUV. My sister slammed her door and jammed on the accelerator and I was happy they were gone. I was even happy that I’d finally stood up to both of them and told them what I thought.
“Who was that?” Rico said, coming up the sidewalk.
“My mother and sister.”
“Really? I wish they had stayed so I could meet them.”
“Maybe some other time,” I said, knowing it wouldn’t be anytime soon. Rico scanned me from head to toe.
“You look good,” he said, kissing me on the lips.
“Thanks. You do, too.”
“I know,” he said, and we both laughed.
“So, are you ready?” he asked.
“Actually, I am. Just let me turn off the stereo and get my purse,” I said, heading toward my bedroom and leaving him in the entryway.
“Hey,” he said and, I turned to look at him.
“Yeah?”
“I meant what I said.”
“About what?”
“You really, really look good. You look beautiful.”
I smiled and wondered if he knew how much I’d needed to hear that.
I was sure he didn’t have a clue.
I
T HAD BEEN THREE WEEKS
since I’d first seen Dr. Green, and while I’d also gotten a second opinion, the diagnosis had remained unchanged. The tumor in my uterus needed to be removed and there were no other options to be considered. Still, a part of me had been hoping I wouldn’t have to go through with this. Deep down, I’d been hoping that there was some other procedure, something a lot less aggressive, that could be performed on me. I’d been praying that there was a better way to go about handling this but there wasn’t.
And now here I was packing the last of my overnight bag and preparing to head to the hospital. My parents had driven into town last night, but they were now at a restaurant having breakfast. I, of course, had been fasting since just before midnight and wouldn’t be able to eat until well after surgery. Which actually wasn’t as much of a problem as I had thought it would be. I’d been sure that I was going to be completely famished but maybe my nerves were preventing it. I was nervous because I’d agreed to sign a consent form authorizing Dr. Green to perform a hysterectomy in the event that he did find cancer. I’d had to think long and hard about it, but in the end, I knew that staying alive was more important to me than having a child. Still, the thought of it all had me uneasy.
And then there was my relationship with Cameron. He’d been extremely attentive ever since that day I’d gone to his office and told him about my illness, but I couldn’t get past what his first reaction had been. I couldn’t ignore what I knew he still had to be thinking and it had even affected our normal level of intimacy. I’d gotten my period again last week, only twenty days after returning from Los Angeles, but this week Cameron had wanted sex with me every evening. He’d acted as though we might never be able to make love again, and that truly bothered me. It made me wonder just how long we would continue being a couple.
But I couldn’t worry about such issues at the moment. What I needed to do was try to calm myself down and prepare for whatever was going to be. I’d prayed more than I had in my life, my church members had done the same, and my mother had already claimed a positive recovery. She’d told me first thing this morning that God’s will would be done and that I was going to be fine. Of course, I was hoping that His will would be for me to marry and have children one day, and I tried not to focus on anything different.
I stuffed a comb, brush, some body lotion, and a few other needed items into my bag and zipped it closed. Thankfully, I wouldn’t be there more than a day or two and I would be wearing a hospital gown for the duration. I smiled when I remembered the days when patients could count on being in the hospital at least a week and it didn’t matter how minor their illness was—days when insurance carriers didn’t force medical facilities to kick you out as soon as possible. I remembered the time my mother had gone to the hospital to have something similar to what I was having today and she’d packed the most beautiful lingerie. It had been almost like she’d been planning what clothing to take on a vacation, but the real reason was that she wanted to look good for any visitors. It was so amazing how times had changed so radically.
When I started to walk into the bathroom, my phone rang. I was sure it was Cameron, wanting to know if we were ready, but instead someone from my firm was calling.
“Hello?”
“Taylor, I’m sorry to bother you at home, but I just need to ask you a quick question.” Strangely enough, it was Skyler, and I couldn’t believe he was calling me personally and hadn’t asked his secretary to.
“Okay,” I said.
“You remember that malpractice case you tried with Jim and Morgan last year? The one where the woman’s daughter died because the emergency room physician misdiagnosed her?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, we’ve got a similar situation again. Except this time we’re dealing with a man’s wife who died because the hospital told her she wasn’t having a heart attack. But when they sent her home, she died an hour later from exactly that.”
“Unbelievable.”
“It is, and while I know you’re going to be out for a couple of weeks or so, I wanted to ask you now if we can conference you in on our initial meetings. And if you will, I want you to second-chair this with me.”
This was definitely a first, and I was stunned to say the least. Skyler was, in a very roundabout way, acknowledging my expertise.
“You know I love huge cases like this, but I guess I’m not sure why you’re asking me.”
“I’m asking because right after the husband left here yesterday, Jim immediately thought about all the research you did last year and the way you closed at the other trial.”
“I don’t doubt that Jim feels that way, but if this is mainly going to be your case, I guess I’m surprised that you would even want me involved with it. I mean, have you forgotten that you can’t stand the sight of me?”
“That’s just not true. And ever since I heard about you needing to have surgery, I’ve wanted to come and talk to you. I know you won’t believe me but I’m sorry for always pestering you the way I have.”
“Skyler, please. If you want me to help you with the case, then I will, but you don’t have to exaggerate.”
“I’m not.”
“Okay, look. You and I both know that people don’t change overnight, and this is definitely an overnight situation because just yesterday you were ragging on me for no reason.”
“But after you left in the afternoon, I overheard your secretary telling mine that you have a tumor and you might not be able to have any children.”
“And?” I was fuming because I wished people would mind their own business and that the clerical staff would stop gossiping so much.
Skyler didn’t say anything.
“And?” I repeated, and I wasn’t cordial about it.
“My mother had uterine cancer and she died when I was ten years old.”
Now I felt bad because of how nasty my attitude had been.
“I’m really sorry to hear that,” I said. “I didn’t know.”
“You didn’t know because I never talk about it. Still, when I hear about any woman going through the same thing, my heart goes out to her.”
“Well, I appreciate that, but the doctor doesn’t know if I have cancer or not. He won’t find out until he goes in.”
“That’s good to hear and I’ll keep hoping for the best.”
“Thanks.”
“And Taylor there’s something else I need to say.”
“Wow. I’m almost afraid to hear it.”
He laughed in a cheerful way and that shocked me even more.
“I can imagine,” he said. “But what I want you to know is that things are going to be different when you come back. I promise I won’t criticize you or your work ever again.”
“And why is that?”
“Because it’s not necessary. I only did it because you really are good at what you do and I didn’t want to accept that. I didn’t want to accept that you’ve won certain cases I’m not sure I would have been successful with.”
“Well, I gotta tell you, I can’t believe what I’m hearing, but I do respect you for saying it. It takes a real man to give a woman that kind of credit. Especially when they’re in the same line of work.”
“You have no idea,” he said, chuckling. “And when you’re well, I’d like to take you to lunch. You know, sort of as a peace offering.”
“I can handle that.”
“Well, I’d better let you go, but please get well soon.”
“Thanks, Skyler. You have no idea how much that means.”
“Take care.”
I hung up and breathed deeply. I knew I’d heard Skyler correctly, but I still needed time to register everything. The man was actually being nice to me and he had apologized for all of our previous run-ins. Not to mention this was all because of what his mother had died from. Although now his news did have me wondering if I would end up just like her. I couldn’t help wondering if maybe Skyler was thinking the same thing and was simply trying to clear his conscience. But I guess I would see soon enough. I would learn what my fate was in a matter of hours and I would just have to deal with it.
“I think that’s everything,” the admittance representative said when I’d signed the last document. They’d phoned me a couple of days before to preregister me, so most everything was pretty much in order.
“So, where do we go from here?” I asked.
“You’re going to head out this door,” she said, pointing. “Down the long corridor to your right, and then you’ll take a left when you see the surgical area. There will be signs that will direct you to the pre-op nursing station.”
“Thanks,” I said, and my mother and I walked out. When we did, I saw Whitney and Charisse sitting near Cameron and my father. I think I was happier seeing them now than ever before. I was comforted in knowing that everyone who cared about me was there to support me.
“So, you ready?” Whitney said.
“As ready as I’ll ever be,” I said, hugging her. “Thanks for coming.”
“You know we would never let you go through this without us,” Charisse said, and I embraced her also. Then we followed the directions I had been given, and when we arrived I signed in and a nurse escorted me back to a room. I removed all of my clothing and slipped on one of those backless gowns again, but this time they gave me a robe and light blue ankle socks to cover my feet.
When I was ready, the nurse informed me that they’d be coming in to check on me and that just before they took me to the OR, Dr. Green and the anesthesiologist would be in to speak with me. When she left everyone came into my room. I’d seen a sign that said there was a limit of two, but at least I could see them all together for a few minutes.
“You know, Whit,” I said, “you’ve really lost a lot of weight, girl.”
“We were just complimenting her on that before we came in here,” my mother said.
“I’ve lost twenty-five pounds and I can actually feel it in all of my clothing.”
“Well, you look good,” I said.
“Thanks. I feel good, too.”
“Didn’t I tell you it would make a difference?” Charisse chimed in, and Whitney and I looked at each other.
“That you did, Charisse,” Whitney answered, and I knew Whitney was trying to be cordial because of my parents.
“Next thing you know we won’t be able to see you,” Cameron teased her.
“I doubt that,” she said, and we all laughed.
“The hospital is pretty strict about having so many people in the room, so why don’t Whitney and I step out so you can visit with your parents,” Charisse said.
“Yeah, we’ll come back just before they take you,” Whitney agreed.
“I’ll come back, too,” Cameron said, kissing me on the forehead, and the three of them left.
“You’re not scared, are you?” Daddy said.
“Probably not as scared as you are,” I said, smiling because I could tell how restless he was. I could tell he was worried about his only child.
“She’s going to be just fine,” my mother added. “God is running all of this so there’s no need to fret about it.”
“That’s right,” I said, trying to convince my father—and me.
“Is there anything we can get for you?” he asked.
“No, Daddy, I’m fine. Why don’t you sit down and relax.”
When he did, Mom joined him.
“Don’t forget that I have copies of my will and power-of-attorney documents in my file cabinet at home and there are also copies at my firm.”
“I’m glad you have things in order the way you do, but we won’t be needing any of that this weekend,” Mom said.
“I’m sure you won’t, but just to be on the safe side.”
We sat and chatted for a while and then Mom suggested that she and Daddy go out so that Cameron could come in.
“Are you comfortable?” Cameron asked when we were alone.
“Very.”
“I’ll be glad when this is over.”
“Me, too.”
“But at least we got to see the Prince concert the other night.”
“I know because after today it’ll be a while before I can go out in crowds like that again,” I said, remembering every lyric Prince had sung. The man definitely still had it and I was glad Cameron had gone out of his way to get good seats, regardless of what he’d had to pay for them.
“Taylor, I’m really sorry for the way I acted that day you came to my office,” Cameron said without warning. “I had no right speaking to you that way and I should have shown you a lot more compassion.”
All I could think was how apologetic everyone seemed to be today—specifically Cameron and Skyler. It was amazing the way people treated you when they thought you might die.
“You’ve already apologized for that more than once,” I said, “and I forgive you. But I still think we have some issues to work out. I want to be married but you don’t, and that’s a major problem for us.”
“And I’ve tried to explain why.”
“I realize that, but I’m still not happy about it.”
“Let’s just get you well first and then we can talk more about this later. What I want is for us to focus on the love we have for each other and not our differences.”
I looked at him silently.
We sat there not saying much else and soon the nurse appeared. Shortly after, Dr. Green and the anesthesiologist came in as planned and explained what would happen over the next few hours. When Cameron and I were alone again, my parents, Whitney and Charisse came back in and Mom prayed one final time.
I closed my eyes and squeezed both her and Daddy’s hand like my life depended on it.