Authors: Kyra Lennon
“But you love me.”
Yes. Yes I do.
I rolled my eyes at him and reached for my glass of champagne. I hadn’t had nearly enough to drink to conjure up another witty response, so I swallowed some more of the bubbly instead.
Once the laughter simmered down, we broke off into our own little groups to talk and, of course, eat dessert. When we were done, Drew and Ellie left the table to pay, and I headed to the ladies’ room. As I was about to turn the corner towards the overly grand staircase that led to the toilets, I heard Ellie’s voice and stopped dead.
“I don’t like this,” Ellie said, then sighed loudly, ending it with a growl. “This is so messed up. She’s my sister, and Jason’s my best friend. I want them both to be happy, but… together? I know it’s what Lucy wants, but I don’t know if she can handle it. Him. The reality of what being with him means.”
“I know, Ells. I know. Maybe bringing her on tour was a bad idea.”
“Maybe. But if this was going to happen, it would have happened anywhere.”
My brow furrowed as I tried to understand their conversation. Because, believe me, if anything had actually happened between Jason and me, I would have remembered.
“I don’t think anything is going on,” Drew said. “Not physically, anyway. I don’t think Jason would be stupid enough to try anything. He knows you’d kill him.”
“He’s impulsive, Drew.”
“So talk to him. Try to make him understand.”
“Understand what, exactly?” I asked, turning the corner to confront the two people who were inexplicably trying to control something that – as far as I was concerned – wasn’t even an issue. And even if it
was
an issue, what right did they have to interfere? As I stared them down, they jumped apart, guilt covering their faces.
Drew glanced down at Ellie. “I’ll leave you to it.”
“No, you can stay,” I told him. “Both of you seem to be involved in this, whatever
this
is, so you can answer my questions.”
“Lucy-” Ellie began.
“Wait.” I held my hands up. “Why are you two out here whispering about me and Jason? If there is something you want to ask me, then just ask. Not that I have anything to tell you, which is why I’m so confused right now.”
Ellie flicked her eyes towards Drew, in much the same way my mum looks at my dad when there’s something uncomfortable she wants to discuss. She closed her eyes and leaning back against the ornate wooden bannister behind her. “You weren’t supposed to hear any of that.”
“Obviously. But I did.”
I kept my stare firm on her. I knew she would cave if I glared hard enough, but more than that, she knew she owed me an explanation which was why she kept tugging at the sleeves of her top and avoided meeting my eye.
“What do you think is going on, Ellie? And what does Jason need to understand?”
Again, Ellie looked to Drew for help, and he took a step towards me. “We’ve noticed you and Jason spending a lot of time together.”
“You mean
you’ve
noticed,” I said. “Ellie’s only just got here.”
He at least had the grace to give an embarrassed nod. “Okay.
I
noticed.”
“I noticed too,” Ellie added. “It’s hard not to.”
“Have you seen where we live right now? I can’t avoid him, can I?”
She raised an eyebrow. “How much time have you spent with Mack or Joey? Or me, for that matter?”
“Oh, that’s what this is about? You think I haven’t spent enough time with you? I thought you might want to be with Drew on the first day you got here!”
“It’s not about me, it’s about you!”
“I still don’t know what I’ve done!”
“You haven’t done anything.” Drew gave Ellie’s shoulder a gentle squeeze, silently telling her to calm down. “But we’re worried that you getting closer to Jason is going to cause… problems.”
“For who?”
“Both of you.”
I shook my head. “This is total crap. Nothing’s happened between us. I don’t know why you’d think it would.”
“The late night talks, the hugging, the hand holding. You don’t think that’s a sign?”
“Ellie holds hands with Jason, and hugs him, and has stayed up all night talking to him. Do you think she’s trying to screw him too?”
Ellie’s head snapped up, her eyes narrow as Drew stiffened.
That was a low blow and I knew it, but she and Drew had suddenly turned into my parents, and I still didn’t know why. I shouldn’t have taken a swing at Drew’s insecurities about Jason though. They were much better than they used to be, but he needed no reminder of how bad things used to be.
“I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair.” I took in a long breath. “But if you have a question, you should have spoken to me, not talked about me behind my back.”
They both knew I had them there. Ellie and Drew had had enough people talking about them without checking the facts to know how shitty it felt, and as the realisation seeped into them, Ellie sighed. “You’re right. And I’m sorry too. It’s just… when you left home, I thought this would be okay. I knew there was a chance it wouldn’t be, but I trusted you and Jason to do the right thing.”
I held my hands up again. “Ellie, please. Can you please start making sense?”
“I know you, and I know Jason. Every now and again he gets a look in his eye that usually spells trouble. He sees you differently now, Luce. I’m scared he’ll cross the line with you, and if he does that, I’m certain it won’t end well for you.”
I didn’t need to ask why. Jason had never been in a long term relationship. Honestly, I couldn’t recall him being in a short term one. His main focus was his music, followed by having a good time, followed by his relationships with the people closest to him. Maybe his family and friends ranked higher than they used to and were more on par with having a good time, but the point was, aside from those things, he didn’t care. If he now counted me amongst the people he felt closest to, I was lucky. But I’d witnessed him hurting those people time and again, even though he hadn’t always meant to.
“Ellie, you’re not telling me anything I don’t know. I listened to the things you said before I left. And now
I
know him better. I’m not going to stand here and promise you that if something does happen, I won’t let it. But I can promise you I won’t let it take over my life.”
I was lying and she knew it. Not intentionally, of course. I liked to think I could handle my feelings, and that I could be a grown up about anything that
might
happen between Jason and me. In reality, my insides fizzled with the idea he might feel something for me. My eyes glazed over for a second as I allowed myself to imagine kissing him, touching him, and the way his hands would feel on my skin. The mere idea of his lips on mine set my head spinning and my heart pounding.
“You keep telling yourself that,” Ellie said. “But I know better. I know how it feels to want someone that much when you think they don’t want you too. It hurts every single second.”
“I’m not the same as you. I don’t feel that way.”
I didn’t. Not as intensely, anyway. Jason had been with me a lot of the time, so I never felt the disconnection Ellie had once felt from Drew. And Drew was a lot different to Jason. Jason didn’t hide his feelings; he was openly affectionate and sweet. Drew had learned to be openly affectionate, but it wasn’t natural to him. He opened up once he knew Ellie loved him too, but he would never have given it up if she hadn’t made the first move. Their situation was not
my
situation.
“Maybe not. But you feel something, and that’s dangerous.”
“I can’t talk about this with you.”
I didn’t mean to be so blunt, but I didn’t want to spend another second discussing my potential heartbreak. I was trying to have the holiday of a lifetime, to experience amazing things, and to live in the moment. This was the equivalent of a large black cloud over my good time, and I wanted it gone. I wanted a strong breeze to blow it away and bring back my sunshine.
“I love you, Ellie, and I appreciate your concern. I promise I won’t forget the things you’ve said but this conversation is over.”
Turning on my heel, I walked back through to the restaurant and re-joined the rest of the band. As I took my seat beside Jason, I shuffled my chair slightly away from him, hoping he wouldn’t notice. Damn Ellie and Drew for making this awkward.
Why did they have to do that? Why did they have to interfere in something that hadn’t been a problem until they made it one?
“What’s up, Luce?”
All I could do was shake my head since Ellie and Drew were walking towards us, both of them looking less than happy and a tad guilty. So they bloody should. Because of them I didn’t feel comfortable talking to Jason anymore. Not while they were around, anyway. I couldn’t even bring myself to look at him. Instead, I picked at the remains of my cheesecake, pushing it around with my fork and praying we could leave soon so I could hide away in my bunk to vent my frustration in my journal.
Thankfully, it was less than fifteen minutes before everyone was ready to go, and we began the short walk back to the bus. The whole way I must have been giving off bad vibes because nobody came near me. It wasn’t like I was spitting with anger. If anything, I was kind of sullen.
Emo
. Not much like myself at all, but since the good parts of the evening had been snatched away by my overprotective sister, I didn’t feel like bouncing around and having my usual easy chatter with the guys.
I was the first onto the bus, and I kicked off my shoes and headed straight to my “room”, closing the curtain and flicking on the light.
I let out a sigh as I stretched out my legs then reached up to the shelf above me for my iPad, headphones, journal and a pen. Once I’d found some mellow music to listen to – goodness knows I needed it – I opened my journal.
I don’t even know how to explain what I feel right now. Remember yesterday when I was so excited because Ellie was coming? Because I thought we’d have fun together and enjoy being on a mini holiday? Well, it sort of happened. Some of the day was good. But now it’s tainted.
Here’s the problem. I’m nineteen. Legally an adult. But still a teenager. That puts me in the crappiest place because I’m not a kid, but I’m not exactly a grown-up either. I’m a semi-adult. Almost ready for people to take me seriously, but not quite there.
I think I’ve handled my feelings for Jason better than most girls would. I haven’t giggled or swooned around him. I haven’t stared at him longingly. Okay, that’s a lie, but he’s easy on the eyes, and I’m not blind. My point is, I haven’t followed him around like a puppy dog and sucked up to him just to get his attention. All I’ve done is be myself. And now Ellie thinks he’s into me. I think. Isn’t that what she was saying? Or at least that he doesn’t see me as her annoying little sister now.
I should be dancing at the thought, right? But I can’t. Because I know she’s right. I know the problems associated with being with Jason. That’s not what I’m upset about. I’m upset because she made them real. I was perfectly happy in my little fantasy world – and it wasn’t even a fantasy world that revolved around me being with Jason. The fantasy was… I don’t know… the possibility, maybe?
I know I’m not making much sense, but this is my journal, so I will be as ineloquent as I want here. It’s back in the real world where I have to keep my shit together.
And I think that’s about to get a lot more difficult.
I flipped the journal shut and placed it back up on the shelf before laying back, my head thudding against my pillow. My music drowned out the sounds of everyone else on the bus, and I closed my eyes, letting the melodies carry me away.
Chapter 8 – All The Time In The World
In an hour, my anger had dissipated but I was still restless. Too restless to sleep. I turned off my music and listened for sounds of life on the bus. Nothing. Good.
I drew back the curtain surrounding my bunk and hopped out, pausing again to listen. When I was greeted by silence, I slipped my shoes on and headed out of the bus for some fresh air. The club where the band had played a few hours earlier was still alive with music and people, but since the bus was tucked away and everyone was mostly inside, I wasn’t noticed as I leaned back against the bus and sighed.
What. A Day.
Around four hours ago, I was on top of the world. My sister got engaged to the man she loved, and I was about to spend a few days with her before heading to America. America!
Except she’d done the one thing she said she wouldn’t do. She’d gone all “big sister” on me and ruined everything. And for what? For something she hadn’t seen and knew nothing about. Yeah, she knew Jason but she didn’t have any idea of the things that had happened on the tour – not that it amounted to much, but she’d killed my buzz with her concerns. Did she really think I had no worries at all? Did she really think I hadn’t thought constantly about the problems?
I felt Jason’s presence before he spoke. I’d only heard footsteps but I knew it was him. The tiny hairs prickling on my arms from his nearness told me so.
“Hey, Jason.” I didn’t look up.
“You’re good.” He gave a small laugh as he leaned against the bus beside me. “What are you doing out here?”
“Getting some air. Thinking. You?”
“I wanted to make sure you’re okay. I was still up and I saw you come outside, but I can leave if you want me to.”
“You can stay. If you want to.”
I still hadn’t looked at him and I wasn’t sure why. Was it because I was trying not to feel anything, even though my heart was hammering and my palms had grown slick? That I was scared of what he might say? Or that I was afraid Ellie had had words with him too and he’d gone back to seeing me as a little girl again?
Tears pricked at my eyelids and I quickly blinked them away before Jason could see them. Why did that happen? What was I even crying over?
“What happened tonight, Luce? Why did you stop talking and go straight to your bunk after dinner?”
“You don’t know?”
“I can guess. But I’d like to know for sure before I go and tear off some heads.”
His calm tone didn’t match the aggression of his words, and I laughed softly. “You know Ellie and Drew. Always trying to help. Always worrying.”
“What did they say?”
“They were talking. About you and me. I overheard them. And then I got pissed off because they were talking about me and not
to
me. I just wanted to get away from everyone.”
“Ah.”
Ah? That was all I was getting? I couldn’t read anything from that.
“Have they really not talked to you about this?”
Jason sighed. “I got ‘the talk’ from Drew before we left, but you know this. I mentioned it in Paris, remember?”
“You said Drew didn’t trust you but I didn’t know there had been an actual conversation.”
Jason straightened and I looked up as he moved to stand in front of me. He rubbed his hand across his forehead, as if he didn’t want to say whatever it was he was about to say, and I slipped out of the small gap between us and turned my back on him because I wanted to hear it even less than he wanted to say it. Not that it mattered. The regret heavy in his eyes had scorched itself into my mind, and there was no escaping the tension in the air around us.
“Luce, will you please turn around?”
While my head screamed, “No!” I knew I had to. I had to face this. Had to face
him
. I slowly turned towards him and swallowed hard, preparing myself. God dammit, he was so bloody… perfect. The chiselled jaw, the jet black hair, the thin, almost mean-looking lips, and those green eyes.
“Before we left home, Drew told me something. He-”
“Don’t,” I interrupted, dropping my eyes from his. “I can figure out what he said. You probably already knew anyway.”
“I didn’t. And I was surprised. Drew told me to stay away from you, which at the time, I thought was fucking stupid. You’re Lucy. The girl who happened to grow up in the house beside mine. Someone I always have fun with, but not someone I would make a move on.”
Why the hell did he think this conversation was necessary? I knew this. I reminded myself every damn day where I fit into his life, so if he knew how I felt, why would he bring it up when he knew it would be painful? So much more so now because I’d started to let my guard slip instead of keeping myself protected.
“When Drew warned me off you, I thought it was pretty funny. But right now, after this week, and especially after last night… it’s not so funny anymore.” I risked glancing up at him. His eyes were on me, a little darker than usual, and his jaw clenched. “I didn’t expect this, Lucy. You’ve always meant a lot to me, but now I see you. The you you are now. This beautiful, sweet, fun
woman
. And I’m finding it really hard to keep my promise to Drew.”
Hope sprang up inside me at his words. He
saw
me. Me. Little Lucy was gone, and now I was someone else. Someone he wanted to… be with?
Swallowing hard again to moisten my dry throat, I said, “Do you
have
to keep the promise?”
He laughed softly. “You know how I feel about people telling me what I can and can’t do. But it’s not that simple. Not with you.”
The little ray of hope flickered inside me, and I clung onto it, hoping he wouldn’t snuff it out. Not without giving it a chance.
“Why not?” I whispered.
“Because…” He took a couple of steps towards me. “You’re not just some girl I’ve met. I know you. I’ve known you your whole life, Lucy. And Drew and Ellie are right. I can’t have feelings for you. We can’t have feelings for each other because I
will
end up hurting you. Even if I try my hardest not to, it’s what I do. I hurt everyone and I’m trying so hard to be better. To not act on every single instinct I have because that is what gets me into trouble. You deserve better than that.”
He did it. He snuffed it out, and my heart began the slow descent to my stomach.
“That’s an incredible cop out, Jason. I deserve better than that bullshit explanation. People who tell someone that they deserve better are just politely saying they’re not interested. I prefer honesty.”
I started to walk past him, but he caught my arm. “Did you even listen to what I said? This isn’t about me not wanting you, Lucy. It’s about me doing what’s right. And trying to make something happen with you is not right.”
“Why? Who says?”
“Everyone. And they’re right. I’m ten years older than you, and I’m a cocaine addict. You’re nineteen years old, and you don’t need that kind of shit.”
I shook my head, my eyes prickling with tears again. “Why are you doing this? Can’t you see you’re pulling the same crap on me that Drew and Ellie pulled on you? Telling me what I can and can’t do, or what I do or don’t need?”
“I’m just trying to make you understand. The age gap-”
“An age gap makes no difference to you when other nineteen-year-olds throw themselves at you!” I snapped. “I see them with you, and I’ve seen you taking advantage of your rock star status to kiss them, and probably more! Why is it so different with me?”
“You know why. We’ve talked about this. It’s because you’re not like them. You’re not a girl in a club trying to hook up with me. You mean more than that.”
“That’s fucked up. That you’d rather have a meaningless hook up.”
“
I’m
fucked up, Lucy! That’s what I’m trying to tell you! That’s why I have to stay away from you.”
“And the fact that I don’t care about that? I meant what I said last night, Jason. I care about you and nothing is going to change that.”
We stared at each other for a moment longer, but when his eyes dimmed, I knew the conversation was over. I couldn’t persuade him to consider me and him, and I couldn’t even enjoy him telling me I meant something to him because he wasn’t prepared to try. I pulled away from his grip and started towards the steps to the bus, my heart cracking inside my chest.
“Lucy.”
My brain told me to keep moving but my feet stopped. I didn’t turn though. I waited. Listened as his footsteps came closer. Stiffened as his arms slid around me from behind and pulled me close to him, his chin resting on the top of my head. I felt his indecision so much I could almost touch it, and I hated how I couldn’t make life easier for him by just walking away. I couldn’t walk away from something I wanted so much.
“I promised them, Lucy.”
“Me too, Jase. I promised them I wouldn’t let myself get too attached to you, but here we are.”
God, being in his arms felt good. In a this-is-totally-messed-up kind of way. In spite of my protests, I understood what he was saying. I even understood why it was easier for him to do random one-nighters than get involved with someone he actually cared for. He’d been told he was a screw up for a lot of his life – why risk adding one more person to the mix who might one day end up doing the same? Even
I
knew I couldn’t promise I wouldn’t be that person. The only thing I could offer him was someone who wanted to fall in love with him. Real love. Not the “he’s really hot and I’d like to jump his bones” kind. I wanted to know everything about him and experience it with him, the way we’d experienced the Eiffel Tower together.
“What are we going to do?” he asked.
“You’re giving me a choice?”
“Yes. Tell me what you think we should do.”
As he said those words, I turned around in his arms, knowing he trusted me to make the right decision. That if I said we should try, then it was because I truly thought we could make it, and if I said we should stop whatever this thing was, it was because I knew he was right, that the obstacles were too big to overcome.
I shouldn’t have turned around. Because how could there be any other option when I looked at the man I’d wanted in ways I’d never wanted anyone before?
“This isn’t just my decision. What do
you
want, Jase?”
“Right now?” He closed his eyes for a second and blew out a breath. “Right now I want to kiss the woman in my arms because I think she is just about the most amazing, fearless woman in the world.”
I laughed gently. “I’m not fearless. I’m surprised you can’t feel me shaking.”
My hands, hell, my whole body trembled because I was so close.
So
close.
“I feel it. But you’re not shaking because you’re scared of me. You’re shaking because you want this. And that blows my mind.”
“Why?”
“Because you get me, and you know what you’re getting into, and you’re not running away screaming.”
It was then I noticed he was shaking too, and I’d never seen that before. Not in this context. I’d seen him with women before, but not this way. Not laying himself open for them, and holding them like they were so precious he couldn’t let them go.
The way I’d
wanted
him to look at me.
“Jase,” I whispered. “I’m not asking you for forever. I’m not asking you to make a lifelong commitment. I’m just asking you to give this a try if it’s what you want.”
In response, Jason placed a hand on the back of my neck and slowly pressed his lips to mine.
Magic. Actual magic happened the moment his mouth touched mine. It tingled through my skin and into my bloodstream, pumping joy around my body and filling my heart with the kind of happiness I couldn’t have even imagined. The stubble on his chin rubbed against my skin and the stirring sensation in my stomach moved lower, startling me.
How could one kiss do that to me? It made me want to make sounds I’d only ever heard in movies and I, embarrassingly, pressed my hips into his. Except I wasn’t entirely embarrassed – more surprised at how fast those feelings had erupted inside me.
When our lips parted, Jason rested his forehead against mine. “Let’s just take this slowly, okay?”
I nodded. “I think slow is all I can handle.” My breath sounded funny, and I let out an awkward and uncharacteristic girly giggle that made Jason laugh.
“There’s no rush, Luce. We’ve got all the time in the world.”