Authors: Michelle Betham
‘Nobody expects you to be able to deal with this in such a short space of time, Amber. It’s going to take a while, but Jim, he…’
‘He loves me, I know that. I know he loves me, and I love him, too. I always have, and I always will. No matter what happens. But he changed me, and that’s what scares me. All of this – marriage, babies, being in the public eye more than I really feel comfortable with – it’s weird, you know?’
‘You said yourself that you’d always just been waiting for Jim to come back to you. Wasn’t that what you’d always wanted?’
‘Well, maybe I should have been more careful what I wished for… Oh, I don’t know, Debbie. I’m just thinking out loud, trying to make sense of it all, all these feelings going round and round in my head. I love Jim, I do, it’s just… when he walked back into my life I didn’t know he’d be bringing with him more lies, more secrets. I thought we were past all of that. I’d begun to trust him because I really thought he’d changed. And even if he’d told me about Brandon back when he’d first taken the job at Red Star, it might have been okay. But keeping him a secret, deceiving me for all those years, making his own son keep quiet about who his dad really was… Maybe I don’t know him at all, Debbie. And maybe he hasn’t really changed.’
‘Have you talked to him? Really talked to him, I mean? About everything you’re feeling?’
‘It’s all we do, Debbie,’ Amber sighed. ‘Every day, to the point where I don’t even want to go home some nights because I can’t face another discussion, another night of him trying to put suggestions forward, things I just can’t get my head around and… I actually look forward to having to go to London. I look forward to going to work, to not having to talk about everything over and over again.’
‘Look, I know what he did upset you, and I understand that, I really do. But I’m sure he just wants you to be happy.’
‘I’m not denying that. Of course he wants me to be happy, but he can’t just buy me a baby, Debbie. It doesn’t work like that. It isn’t that simple.’
Debbie looked at Amber, frowning slightly. ‘Is there something else you’re not telling me?’
‘Like what?’ Amber asked, almost kicking herself for the over-defensive tone she’d used just then.
‘I don’t know. You tell me, chick.’
‘I’m just tired, that’s all. I’m not sleeping much.’
‘Amber… you and Jim…’
She looked straight at Debbie, aware that her phone was ringing in her bag, and it was a call she really wanted to take. ‘What about us?’
‘You
will
work things out, won’t you?’
Amber looked down at her wedding ring again. ‘I don’t know, Debbie. And that’s the truth.’
‘What you’re feeling, Amber… is it really
all
to do with the fact you can’t have Jim’s baby? That he kept Brandon a secret from you? Or are those just catalysts for something else? For other feelings you don’t really want to think about?’
Amber looked up, fixing Debbie with a tough stare. ‘When did you turn amateur psychologist?’
‘I just care about you, that’s all. You
and
Jim. And I can’t help thinking that, well, if you really wanted his baby that badly you’d try everything in your power to make that happen, because surely there are things…’
‘Why do you care so much, Debbie? Why are you so desperate for me to find a way to have that baby you assume I want more than anything?’
‘I’m not desperate…’
‘Yeah, you are. You can’t seem to keep off the subject, when you know it’s not something I really want to talk about…’
‘I’m pregnant, Amber.’
Amber felt like she’d been sideswiped. She really hadn’t been expecting that. ‘You… you’re… you’re pregnant?’
Debbie nodded. ‘We haven’t told anyone yet, because it’s still very early days and we don’t want to jinx it, but… I wanted you to find out from me, hon. I didn’t want you to read about it in the papers or find out via the gossip grapevine, so… I wanted you to hear it from me.’
‘Because you thought it would tip me over the edge and you wanted to be there when I fell?’ Amber was aware she was being slightly sarcastic, but she could feel that emptiness beginning to sweep over her once again and this time it stung twice as hard because the one thing she would never experience was now happening to one of her closest friends. And that meant she was going to have to find a whole new way of dealing with things.
‘No, Amber. I just didn’t want it to…’
‘Debbie, I’m fine, okay?’ Amber smiled, reaching out to take Debbie’s hand, squeezing it tight. ‘And I’m really, really happy for you. Honestly. It’s fantastic news.’
‘Is it?’ Debbie asked, still unsure that what Amber was telling her was the truth. ‘Really?’
Amber nodded, squeezing her hand again. ‘Really. Bit of a shock, though, I have to admit.’
‘Tell me about it,’ Debbie sighed, absentmindedly placing a hand on her still very-flat stomach. ‘But nobody was more shocked than Gary, believe me. It was that last-minute trip to Marbella that did it.’
‘Maybe this will be the making of him, huh?’
Debbie let out a little snort of derision. ‘Well, that remains to be seen. Amber, are you really okay with this?’
What was she supposed to say to that? No, she wasn’t okay with this? That it felt like one massive kick in the teeth? Some cruel twist of fate? What was she supposed to say? If any of her friends got pregnant they were to avoid her like the plague? She didn’t want that. She didn’t want people to feel sorry for her or avoid her just because something was happening to them that could never happen to her. She didn’t want pity. That in itself made her feel sick to her stomach. She didn’t want to be that woman.
‘If
I
can’t have kids, Debbie, then the next best thing is having a friend who can.’
Debbie smiled a smile that exuded relief. ‘Oh, I am so glad you feel that way, chick, because Gary and I want to ask you something – we want you to be the baby’s godmother. You’re the obvious choice, hon, and I know you’ll be a wonderful influence on him, or her. Far better than their own father, probably… Sorry, I’m rambling, aren’t I?’ She fixed Amber with a hopeful look. ‘So will you? Be the baby’s godmother? Please?’
‘You’re not just doing this out of some sort of pity, are you?’
‘I’m not that kind of person, Amber.’
‘I know. I know, I’m sorry, I just…’ She smiled, squeezing Debbie’s hand again. ‘I’d love to be the baby’s godmother.’
‘You would?’ Debbie squealed, almost throwing herself over the table to hug Amber. ‘Oh, that’s fantastic! You’ve made my day, chick. Now, we need cake to celebrate. I’ll go find us something nice, sticky and gooey – won’t be a sec.’
Amber watched her totter off in her four-inch heels in the direction of the dessert chiller, waiting until she was deep in conversation with the young woman behind the counter before taking out her phone and ringing the number of the missed call she’d ignored earlier.
‘Hey. I thought you were avoiding me.’
‘I’m with Debbie. She was in the middle of telling me some… Ronnie, I really need to see you.’
‘Are you okay? You sound a bit, I dunno, upset.’
‘I’m fine. It’s just been one of those days.’
‘Do you want to come over? I’m not doing anything this afternoon. Except you – if that’s what you want.’
She knew he’d be saying that with a smile on his face and she felt her stomach flip over at the prospect of an afternoon of doing whatever it would take to escape from a reality she was becoming less and less keen to spend time in.
‘Never mind what I want. It’s what I
need
.’
‘Good. That’s good. Because I’ve got plans for you.’
‘Oh, really?’ Amber smiled. She was starting to feel better already as her mind began to filter out everything she didn’t want to think about – including the guilt – and replace it with thoughts that made her feel calmer. A false calm, maybe, but that didn’t matter.
‘Really. What time will you be over?’
‘Well, I’m still with Debbie, so about an hour and a half? I can’t just up and leave her. She’s buying cake.’
Ronnie laughed and she felt her stomach give another ridiculous leap. How could she be feeling this way about a man she thought of as the brother she’d never had? A man she called her very best friend. How could it have happened so suddenly? If it really
had
happened suddenly, but she wasn’t even going there. ‘In that case, I’ll see you when I see you.’
‘Don’t start without me.’
‘As if.’
She ended the call and slid her phone back into her bag, turning to look out of the window again. Just a few short months ago she really had thought she’d found her happy ending. And even though the prospect of never being a mum had always been there in the back of her mind, she’d always thought she’d be able to handle it, that she’d be able to deal with it purely because it was news she’d been expecting to hear for most of her life. But what the past few months had taught her was that you can never be fully prepared for anything, no matter how much forewarning you have. They’d taught her that, yes, dreams
can
come true, but those dreams never stay the same. The reality doesn’t always live up to the fantasy, and rushing into things just because you assumed it was all you’d ever wanted could sometimes be the biggest mistake of your life.
‘That’s Brandon Palmer, isn’t it?’ Gary asked, nudging Ryan as they walked into the Players’ Lounge at Tynebridge.
‘Looks like it,’ Ryan replied, not really taking a great interest. He was more concerned with finding out where Ellen had got to. He hadn’t exactly been good to her lately, and he felt guilty about that. After everything he’d promised himself about treating her better, about keeping her onside until he found out whether a loan to CD Adeje was on the cards or not, after all of that, all he’d succeeded in doing was alienating her further by playing it cool. Too cool, sometimes. He’d started going out more, spending evenings with his mates or just giving her some excuse not to come over because he wanted to be on his own. But now he felt like he needed to try and reel her back in, get her back onside. Back in his bed. That should do the trick. If nothing else, she was a sucker for a night between the sheets with England’s sexiest striker. ‘You seen Ellen?’
‘No. But Amber’s here.’
Ryan’s head swung round, almost as if it was on autopilot. She was talking to Ronnie White in the corner of the room, looking beautiful in a simple outfit of jeans and a black shirt, her dark red hair falling loose over her shoulders. Shit! He really could have done without seeing her tonight, but he should have known there would be a chance she’d be there. It had been a midweek game for Newcastle Red Star, and because she now worked most weekends for Cloud Sports, she didn’t get to as many Red Star matches as she used to. So the odd midweek fixture was a chance for her to come to Tynebridge and support her dad’s old club. Just like old times. Times when she’d been his. Times he wished he could get back.
‘Can I have a word, Fisher?’
Ryan turned around to see Jim standing there dressed, as always, in his trademark match-day dark suit and white shirt. ‘Yeah. Yeah, sure. In your office?’
‘Five minutes.’
Before Jim left, Ryan couldn’t help but notice him throw a quick glance over at Amber and Ronnie, although his expression gave nothing away.
‘What was
that
all about?’ Gary asked as Jim exited the Players’ Lounge as quickly as he’d appeared.
‘The boss wants to see me.’
‘I got that much, you div. I meant, that look he just gave his missus.’
‘What look?’
‘You didn’t see that?’
‘Didn’t see what?’
‘Forget it… I’m off to find Rob. He owes me 250 quid from that night out at the casino last week. Catch you later.’
‘Yeah. Later,’ Ryan mumbled, frowning as he watched Amber lean in close to Ronnie, resting her head on his shoulder as she laughed at something he said.
‘You really can’t let her go, can you?’
He swung round again at the sound of another voice, and this time it belonged to someone he
did
want to talk to. ‘Ellen, babe, I’ve been looking for you…’
‘Really? Because from the way you’re ogling your ex, I’d say you weren’t looking all that hard.’
‘I’m not “ogling” anyone, Ellen. I didn’t even know she’d be here, and just because…’
‘Just because what? Just because I happen to catch you staring at her, it doesn’t mean I should assume you still want her?’
‘She’s married, in case you hadn’t noticed. To the boss.’
‘That means nothing in your world, Ryan.’
He grabbed her gently by the wrist and led her out of the Players’ Lounge, back through into the main reception area. ‘And what’s
that
supposed to mean?’
‘It means, I can’t compete with her, can I?’ Ellen replied, shaking him off. ‘How can I, when she’s still here, and you still feel the way you do about her.’
‘What the… Ellen, Jesus, I don’t feel
any
thing for her. I don’t…’
‘Then why can’t you move forward, Ryan? Why can’t you
let
yourself move forward?’
He took her hand and led her outside, finding a quiet corner away from the post-match crowds of people still milling about in front of the main entrance. ‘What are you talking about?’
‘Me and you, Ryan. I’m talking about me and you.’
‘You really do pick your fucking times to start a conversation, babe, I’ll give you that much. And this really isn’t the time or the place. I’ve got to go talk to the boss in a minute, so…’ He looked at her. She was this beautiful, kind, loyal woman. She was everything he needed, and he was lucky to have her in his life, he knew that. But she just wasn’t Amber. And that’s where all his problems lay.
‘I love you, Ryan.’
Her words hit him like a bolt from the blue; he felt as though someone had just kicked him hard in the stomach, knocking every breath out of him. He really, really didn’t need this. Not now.
‘Doesn’t that mean anything to you?’
‘I don’t deserve you,’ he whispered, leaning back against the wall, his eyes staring down at the ground.