“He was lying there with blood all over him.” He stops and looks at his hands. I can’t believe what I’m seeing. I hadn’t noticed the blood still on his hands, shirt and pants. His head is hung low, and he is trying to hold back more tears, but it’s apparent he is reliving this all over in his head. The look in his eyes says it all. I can see the twister spiraling around, destroying everything in its path.
“He was still alive when I got there. I held his stomach and called the police, but it was too late when they got there,” he breathes.
“Hannah.” I startle at the sound of my name. He grabs my hands and holds them, sitting directly in front of me.
“I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.”
“No,” I say, but I’m not sure he heard it. I can’t find my voice, and I don’t want to find it. He pulls closer to me and with that, the feelings inside of me crest. I can’t be touched. I don’t want to be touched; it will hurt. My heart and soul are damaged beyond repair. My heart has been shattered into a million pieces, and I can’t pick them up to put them
back together. I move back. He can tell I’m still in shock, so he doesn’t move any closer.
“Ma’am?” Shit, why do I keep forgetting the detective is here?
“If it’s any consolation to you, your husband didn’t go out without a fight. We apprehended Mr. Fisher shortly after we arrived. He didn’t make it out of the building.”
I look up sharply. “I hope that bastard is dead.” The words surprise me. Well, truthfully the words don’t surprise me; it’s the tone that surprises me. It’s a mixture of rage, resentment, and sorrow.
“Mrs. Winterfield, I can arrange to have you brought to the hospital to say your good-byes.” I look at him as if he is speaking a language I don’t understand.
“Hannah, let me take you to the hospital.” Kevin stands up, reaching out his hands.
I can’t move, I can’t breathe, and I can’t do anything but stare. He shakes me out of my head spin by picking me up. I don’t fight it. He carries me into the house and sits me in a chair at the table. I sit and look down the hallway into Chase’s office. It wasn’t even twelve hours ago that I was watching him on the phone with Kevin. What could I have done to change all of this?
“Detective Campbell, would you mind giving us a police escort to the hospital?”
Campbell. A name to the face
, I think. He never introduced himself, but then again he never had the chance. “Yes, sir.” He turns and walks out of the house, mumbling something over his radio.
“Do you need anything, Hannah?” Kevin asks, kneeling down in front of me. He looks disheveled, tired, and aged. I place my elbows on the table. My face lies in my hands as I rub my fingers over my eyes; I feel the tears run through my fingers. What is happening?
“Let me get my bag, then we can go.” It takes all my strength to stand up and get some balance. I look around and remember it’s probably still in the car. I have a horrible habit of leaving my purse in the truck, along with the keys.
“It’s in the car. Let’s go.” He follows me out of the house, and I reach into the truck to take my purse out. I see my cell. There is a
missed call, and it’s from Chase. My heart drops. Fuck…fuck…fuck…Why did I leave it in the car? I could have spoken to him. He needed me and I wasn’t there for him. I should have been there. I’m on the ground, sobbing uncontrollably, and I can’t breathe again. I realize I will never hear the sound of his voice again. That deep, controlled sexy voice that liked to tease me at all costs. It’s gone, and it will never be again—much like me.
CHAPTER THREE
June 2013
I
roll over and stare at the clock; it’s 3:21 a.m. I smooth the covers beside me and sit up, tucking my knees to my chest to hug myself. It has been eight months since he touched me last. I lie back down and close my eyes.
Sleep
, I tell myself. Who am I kidding? I don’t sleep, and it shows. The dark circles of black surround my once-delicate eyes. They used to be a bright-green; now they look murky, like moss that grows on rocks in a stream. I have lost a lot of weight. I joke as I always do when I think of this, that I’m on the dead husband diet. Why am I so fucked up? I roll over once more, trying to get comfortable.
I try hard not to think when I go to bed each night, but I’m engulfed the second I get into bed. What could I have done to stop this?
October 2012
Kevin somehow gets me into his car. I have no recollection of this, but there I am in the passenger seat of his car. He’d just got the Mercedes earlier that week and had come over to show it off. I am thankful he is going fast as he follows Detective Campbell. It feels like it’s taking an eternity to get to the hospital, but we arrive. Kevin pulls right up front, steps out, and runs over to my side. I haven’t moved or spoken since I realized I was in the car. He opens my door and takes my hands; I don’t have the energy to protest. I’m up and moving before I can respond. His arm is around my waist, holding me up and steady. He throws his keys at the valet and keeps walking,
not waiting for the stub. We are at reception before I can comprehend it. Everything is so blurry. My surroundings are a huge haze.
“How can I help you?” the receptionist asks sweetly, and I hate her immediately.
“We are here to see Chase Winterfield,” Kevin mumbles. “He was brought in this morning by ambulance.”
“Sorry, sir, I don’t see him in the system.” She types for a little longer and soon loses her color. “I’m sorry, sir, he is in the morgue… Umm, please take that elevator to the bottom floor. You will exit the elevator and take a right; it’s going to be the second door on the left.” She sounds methodical as she speaks.
I lose her at
the morgue
. She hands Kevin two stickers and looks at me apologetically. I am once more pushed to walk. He takes the lead, and Detective Campbell and I follow. I feel like a lost child. We walk and wait at the elevator. My life is in slow motion. When the elevator chimes and opens, a bunch of people pass by, busy in their thoughts. We step in and he takes my hand, interlinking his fingers in mine. He quickly presses the button, and we are both jarred and start heading down.
I remember what Chase used to say about holding hands this way. “It means our souls are touching.” I can remember him saying this, thinking
he just wants to get into my pants
, and yes, he did just that. He was in my pants and inside me that very night. I long for that feeling again. The door has opened while I’m deep in my thoughts. Before I realize it, we are at the door of the morgue. I can’t do this, and before I know it, I’m on the floor again, sobbing. The dreadful feeling is back. Someone is taking my heart out by sticking his hands down my throat and pulling it out. I can see Kevin’s shoes. They are perfect with no marks on them. They must be new. I’m back on my feet and wrapped in Kevin’s arms. He is the only thing keeping me from falling again.
“Jesus, Hannah! Can you tell me when you are going to fall? Look at what you are doing to yourself.” I look at my arms and see bruises on my forearms. I feel nothing.
Kevin slowly opens the door, and I want to run; I want to get as far from here as possible. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. Please. I don’t want to go in there. This is a dream, this is a dream; this must be a dream. I feel like I am screaming, but it’s only in my head. Kevin puts his hand on my back and holds on to me in the anticipation of me falling again. An older man looks up from his desk, and I can hear Detective Campbell’s radio say something. He nods at us and walks in front of us.
“Sir, I would like to see Chase Winterfield’s body. His wife needs to do an ID for me.” These words stab at my chest.
“Of course. Mrs. Winterfield, I am sorry for your loss,” the older man says as he steps from behind his desk. I read his badge. His name is Dr. Benjamin Clover. He gives me a nod with sincere eyes as he goes in through a door, and I feel like my body is being filled with lead.
I can’t do this
runs through my head again, on repeat. I stiffen as he comes out moments later.
“I am ready when you are, Mrs. Winterfield.” His voice is easy. Kevin starts to walk, and I grab his hand to stop him.
“I have to do this alone,” I whisper faintly.
He stops and looks at me. I can see the pain in his soul. I can see it because mine is worse. He steps to the side, leaving me on my own to get my balance back. One foot in front of the other, painstakingly I walk. Slow and steady. Soon I am in the room and the door has closed behind me. I’m alone with Dr. Clover. I see him and I am suddenly frozen. I can’t do this. I want to run out of here and never come back. I want my life back. I have this battle in my head for a few minutes.
Dr. Clover doesn’t say a word. I bet he deals with this on a daily basis. He is patiently waiting for me to come over. I finally walk over, and Dr. Clover lifts the sheet from his face. I weep. The sounds coming out of my body aren’t as loud as they are on the inside. My soul is empty and everything is echoing throughout my body. I hear Dr. Clover say he will give me a minute, but I struggle hearing him.
I climb on the table beside my husband. He is cold, and his eyes are closed. I lay my head on his chest, and cry. I run my hand down
his arm and hold his hand with our souls touching. I sob, and I have no idea how long I have been here, but it doesn’t matter. I want to stay here as long as he will be here. I need to hold him; it will make him better. With my head on his chest, I don’t feel the rise and fall of his breath. I don’t hear his heartbeat, and I don’t feel his warmth. He is gone and will never be here again. Fuck. I cry harder than I ever have before. My heart is racing and the room is spinning.
“Come back to me,” I whisper in his ear. “I need you. The kids need you. How am I going to do this without you? You need to come back to me, please,” I plead with his lifeless body. I run my hands through his hair, and my sobs grow louder.
“You need to wake up, baby. Just wake up. You told me you would never leave us. We haven’t done anything we wanted to yet. We haven’t watched the kids grow up and graduate. This is all wrong. You’re supposed to be here with us. Chase, I need you…don’t do this,” I croak. I’m on top of him, begging like I have never begged before, but this is a battle I have already lost. He is gone and he is never going to come back. I just want him to sit up and wipe my tears away and tell me this was all just a sick, cruel joke, but he doesn’t.
I understand death. I understand I can no longer feel his heartbeat, the heart that pushed the blood through his veins, but I never thought I would be on the receiving end of this tragic news. I never thought it would be me having to deal with death.
“Hannah.” I hear Kevin say my name and feel his hands on my back. I can’t move. My body has been filled with lead after my heart was ripped out of my chest.
“Detective Campbell needs my statement down at the precinct.” He is in pain as well.
“Leave me here. I don’t want to leave him.” I wrap my arms around him tighter. I want him to hug me back, but it will never happen again. I just want him to sit up and hold me. I look at him.
“Wake up, baby; I need you to wake up,” I plead with him, but he’s gone. He is really gone, and I will never have him to hold me again.
“Hannah, stop,” I hear Kevin say. “I can’t leave you here; we need to go home. We have a lot to do.” I sit straight up. Shit, what was I thinking?
“What time is it? I need to get the kids from school.” Oh, the pain is back in my chest, looming over me, stabbing into my deepest depths. I would rather the lead feeling.
“I took care of all of that. I called your mom, and she is going to get them and bring them back to her house.” What?
“You called my mom? Did you tell her what was going on?” I think I’m mad, but my voice is still small.
“Yes, I told her. I had to. She wanted to talk to you, but I didn’t want to put that on you. I told her not to tell the kids or even give them a hint something was wrong.” He is all business right now. His phone buzzes, and he takes a quick glance at it and presses the ignore button. “Please, Hannah, I know you don’t want to leave, but it’s not good for you to stay here all day.” He is trying to get me to leave and I don’t want to.
Dr. Clover comes in the door. I slip off the table without letting go of Chase’s hand. I look down once more at his face and kiss every one of his fingers. “I love you,” I whisper, and then I kiss his lips. I step away from the table, and Kevin steps over, resting his hand on my shoulders. I start to walk with the help of Kevin guiding me forward. Before I realize it, we are out of the hospital in the crisp air. It is October and the leaves are starting to change.
CHAPTER FOUR
June 2013
I
roll over again; it is 5:59 a.m. I get out of bed, wander into the bathroom, and take a shower. The water feels good on my body. I got this feeling back about a week ago. I’m starting to feel things again, which is kind of a relief. After the shower I wrap my hair in one towel and my body in another. Walking back into the bedroom, I drag my feet before and slumping in front of my vanity, taking the towel down and rubbing my hair dry. I haven’t done anything to my hair except pull it back wet since he has been gone.
For the first time in eight months, I take out the blow dryer and begin to dry my brittle hair. It looks like shit when I finish, so I turn on my straightener. I can see the red light blinking, showing that it is heating up. I section my hair and begin the lengthy process. When I look at the clock again, it’s 6:51 a.m. The kids will be awake soon. I find a pair of clean scrubs and get dressed. Glancing in the mirror, I realize, I have to go shopping for new clothes because everything hangs on me, but today that doesn’t matter. I am getting it together this morning. Quietly, I go down the stairs and head straight for the kitchen to turn the kettle on, then begin taking all the ingredients out to make breakfast. Waffles should make them happy, I think, as I begin to crack the first egg.
Both Ella and Hunter have taken the news better than I have. It makes me feel like I failed as a mother because they are stronger than
me. They have been my strength, telling me every day that they love me. I live for nothing but them. I see Hunter out of the corner of my eye and bend down to pick him up.