“Daddy was given a very important job as an angel; he will be looking over all of us. But we won’t be able to see him anymore because he will be living in heaven.”
Hunter gets up and yells, “I hate God! I want my dad back.” I let him have an angry moment. I understand. I have had many today. Ella is still very still. I can hear her breathing, but she won’t move.
“Ella, lovey, you OK?”
“Oh, Mommy, I want Daddy back.” She turns and buries her face in my chest. Hunter is back at my side, crying into me as well. I can’t help but start crying. Kevin just stares—I’m not sure at what, but the mood is heavy in the room. I can’t bring myself to tell them how Chase died. When they get older, we can talk about it, but not all of it. I dread the future already. I don’t ever see myself telling them the way Chase
really died; just the thought of it makes me sick. This is the worst day of my entire life.
June 2013
I roll over and realize that the next few weeks were the worst weeks of my life, with every day equally just as bad as the next. It’s a quarter after two, and I’m still not asleep. I get out of bed and walk down into the kitchen. I need water; my mouth is dry. I need to get my mind off this. I stand at the sink and look out the window that overlooks the backyard. The landscapers were here today, and the yard looks good. Aiden pops into my head.
Why the hell did he just pop into my head
? I think. I roll my eyes at myself and my silly thoughts and walk back upstairs. Dammit, I need to sleep. I lie back down.
October 2012
The kids are a mess. They sleep in my bed that night. I avoid phone calls, because I don’t want to speak to anyone. I leave Kevin in charge of that. The kids eventually fall asleep, and I leave them in my bed and head downstairs. Kevin is on the couch with a bottle of scotch in his hand. I can tell by the way he is sitting that it’s not helping.
“You OK?” I ask as he jumps up.
“I didn’t hear you come down.” He looks down and takes a deep breath. “I need to talk to you about something, Hannah.” I sit down next to him on the couch, pulling my knees up to hug them.
“When I got to Chase, he was still alive. He was saying something to me.” His eyes look haunted, and he can’t find the words. Kevin pulls the bottle to his lips and takes a long swig. When he is done, he sits in silence for a few minutes.
“He told me to take care of you. He told me to tell you he loves you.” The tears fall from my eyes and I can’t move. I don’t even want to imagine what he looked like, lying there dying, but I can’t stop. I move toward the bottle and Kevin passes it off. I’m not a drinker, but I’m hoping it will take the edge off. I take a sip and it’s warm as it goes down, then feels heavy in my stomach. Not caring, I take another sip, Kevin takes the bottle back and drinks again.
“He told me to take his place; he wants me to help you raise the kids.”
“I can’t do this right now.” I get up and walk away. This is way too much.
“Han, I don’t want to upset you, but I’m here. I’ll always be here.” He looks down again. I throw a pillow toward him.
“Go to sleep. We can talk about this another time when things are easier.”
“Han, please get some sleep. Your mom called the doctor and got you a prescription for sleeping pills.” I roll my eyes.
“I don’t need drugs to sleep. I just need Chase back to sleep.”
June 2013
I sit up. I should take the sleeping pills. I haven’t thought of them since that night. When I look at the clock, it’s a quarter to five. No sense in taking them now; I will never get up for work. I sit up and turn the TV on and watch the news for a mindless hour, then get out of bed to start my day. I get out of the shower and decide I should do my hair again. Aiden pops into my head again. Why does he keep popping up? Well, I might as well look good if I am going to be seeing the incredibly gorgeous Grace men today. I laugh inside. Wow, I actually felt the need to laugh! It feels good. I dry and straighten my hair, then decide on some makeup. I swirl and tap the powder and brush it lightly on my face, then apply mascara and some lip gloss. I look better but am still tired. I dress without much thought as I pull on a camisole and grab my scrubs. I prefer to bring my scrubs home and wash them myself, rather than wearing the hospital’s clean-but-not-soft scrubs. When I walk toward the hallway, Ella is already up. I grab her hand, and we walk downstairs together. Hunter is sitting at the table eating Cheerios.
“When did you get up, baby?” He shrugs his shoulders.
“When you were doing your makeup, Mommy.”
I pour Ella and myself a bowl of Cheerios, and we all begin to eat.
“Mommy, I like your hair that way,” Ella says, running her little hands through my hair. It’s been a long time since she has played with it.
“When I get home from work tonight, we can play beauty shop. You can do my hair, and I’ll do your nails?” I say with an animated voice to ramp up her excitement.
“Oh yes, Mommy, I can’t wait! Can I have the hot-pink color, and can you paint my toes too? Please!” Her pitch is high, and she smiles from ear to ear.
We need this light, happy conversation.
“Yes, of course. It’s a date! Now go upstairs and get dressed for school.” She runs to the sink and throws in her bowl so that it makes a loud crashing sound, then runs up the stairs. I love the sound of her feet running around. It makes me smile. Hunter is still sitting in his chair, quiet.
“How about I let you paint the airplane you and Uncle Kevin put together the other day?” He perks up, and the smile finally appears.
“Can I paint it any color I want?”
“Of course you can,” I say, kissing him on his cheek. “Now go and get dressed.” He clears his bowl. He looks at me and smiles, then runs up the stairs.
We run through the morning routine quickly today. I drop them off at school and head to work. One more day after today, and I will be off. I like working part-time. I get time away from the house to help me be a person again, and I get my time as a mother, but no longer a wife. I feel the hurt again and push it down. I need to get busy. I head straight into my office, where I check my messages before heading in to see Michele. She sits at her desk, talking on the phone, but she motions me to sit down as she hangs up.
“I’ve been calling you all morning.” I pull out my cell and realize it was on silent. Opps.
“Sorry, Michele. Is everything all right?”
“It’s Mrs. Grace. She was getting loud with the nurses, and they called me, but I couldn’t calm her down. She was asking for you. She said you would understand.” She looks at me, confused, and I am sure I look just as confused.
“I’ll go and see her now.” I walk straight to the elevator, get in, and press the doors shut. Why would I understand? Why would she want me? I only spoke to her briefly yesterday. This is weird. She definitely is a strange patient. When the doors open, I find Aiden there.
“Thank God you’re finally here; she has been crazy all morning, and she won’t listen to anyone. She keeps asking for you.” He looks at me, trying to figure something out, but I don’t give him the time. I can hear her shouting and throwing things.
“Get your filthy paws off of me, you tramp.” I can hear the anger in her voice, and I see Jane leave the room, face reddened, with her head down. I slip in the door to see Shane and John trying to calm her down, but she won’t look at them. When I walk in, they both stare at me.
“Mrs. Grace, I hear you were looking for me,” I say sweetly as I walk over to touch her hand.
“Well, it’s about time, Hannah. I’ve been waiting for you. I thought you were working last night, and I kept asking for you, but you never came back.” Shit. I think back. When I did my last rounds, she was sleeping.
“Mrs. Grace,” I begin and she stops me.
“Please, Hannah, call me Tori; I told you Mrs. Grace was my mother-in-law.” She is still sharp, even though she looks tired and disheveled.
“Would you mind giving me a moment with your mother?” I ask as I look at Shane and John. They look at their mother, who nods. Aiden steps in to disagree, and she shoots him a glaring look. He turns and follows his brothers.
“Tori, are you OK? What can I do for you?” She sighs and looks down at her hands.
“I don’t need anything. I just don’t trust many people, and I like you. I feel like I can trust you. I don’t like the nurses here; they are in here every moment to flirt with my sons. They don’t leave us alone.” I smile, taking her hand.
“Tori, I’m sure they aren’t in here to flirt with your sons. They are here to care for you.” She rolls her eyes at me. “Let me go and check your chart. I thought you were supposed to be moved out of here last night.”
When I walk out, the three Grace men are outside the door. I walk right past them, and they follow me. I can feel Aiden’s stare. He has a chip on his shoulder, for some reason. I stop and they stop. I turn and all three are looking at me.
“Gentlemen,” I say, looking at all three. “Can I help you with anything?” Shane laughs.
“Can you come and live with us?” I look at them with a shocked face.
“Excuse me?”
John blushes and replies, “She doesn’t listen to anyone, and you walk in, and she listens to you right away.” I look at him, just as tangled in the thought.
“I’m just going to review her chart, and I have to go back to speak with her. Can you give her a few minutes to calm down?”
“Yes, of course. We will be in the waiting room,” Aiden says with a snap, and he walks away with his two brothers following. I skim through her chart, and everything looks normal—great, even.
“Jane, can you call down and see why Mrs. Grace’s room isn’t ready yet?” Jane looks embarrassed and rushes over to me.
“Mrs. Grace’s room isn’t ready yet—” she starts, but I cut her off.
“I’m going to get on the phone and rip someone a new one.” I walk toward the phone.
“Stop,” Jane continues. “Her son called yesterday after surgery and insisted he have a room redone for his mother to stay in. It’s been made into a suite. I saw them carrying in a huge TV and computer. A new state-of-the-art bed was delivered.” She is excited by this gossip.
“Oh…I didn’t know that.” I sit and think about this new information. “Do you know which son made these arrangements?”
“Grant Grace.” She blushes just saying his name. I still have no idea who he is.
“Jane, Mrs. Grace is my priority today, so if she needs anything, please page me, and I will take care of it.”
She shrugs her shoulders.
“Fine with me, Hannah. She is a bitch. She threw her water at me this morning. I only volunteered to go in there to look at her sons.” With that she turns and goes behind the desk.
When I walk back into Mrs. Grace’s room, she is sitting up, taking a sip of water.
“Mrs. Grace—eh, Tori—your room should be ready shortly. You are doing very well. Would you like to get out of bed and take a stroll?” She looks tired, but agrees to the walk. I lift her up and wrap her robe around her shoulders. It is soft and feels heavenly in my fingers.
“I wish I had my own clothes. Grant sent for a shopper to buy clothes for me. It’s never what I would pick out.”
“Why? This is beautiful,” I say kindly as I put my arm out and she takes it. Slow and steady, we head out the room, and I purposely walk down the opposite hallway of the waiting room. If they see us, they will want to join us, and I don’t want her pissed off. Why do they drive her crazy?
“Grant, is he your son?” She looks up and smiles.
“Yes, Grant is my eldest son.” Huh. I guess I had pegged Aiden wrong.
“He is a busy man; he is in London right now opening his latest hotel. He wishes he could be here, but I told him not to worry about me.” She glows when she talks about him. With that we are back at the room. I help her back into bed. She’s starting to look tired.
“Get some sleep. I’ll make sure no one disturbs you. I will be here until five today, so if you need anything, call the nurses’ station and they will page me. I’ll make sure to be available when you move rooms. Is there anything else you need?”
“No, Hannah, you have been more than helpful.” She reaches out her hand, and I take it. Her skin is thin and soft. She closes her eyes, and I place her hand gently on the bed. I think she is asleep. As I walk down the hallway, the three stooges are waiting for me again. I walk
up to them, feeling small. They are all so tall, I feel like a child standing next to them.
“Your mother is doing very well. I took her for a walk and she’s sleeping now. She would like to be left alone. She should be moving to her new room within the next few hours.” Aiden rolls his eyes, and Shane gives him a sharp glance. You can feel the tension around them. “You guys might want to go and get some fresh air; she will probably be asleep for a while.” They all look at each other, not knowing what to do.
“I’ll be back shortly to check on her.” I nod, smile, and can’t help but notice their eyes. They all have breathtaking eyes, reminding me of a day at the beach when the sky is a perfect blue. I start to walk away, but I can feel Aiden on my heels. I stop at the elevator and press the Up button. He stops behind me.
“What did she say to you?” I can feel his breath against my ear.
“Nothing,” I say as I turn around to face him. He glares at me, looking me dead in the eyes. This prick is not going to intimidate me. I step close to him.
“And even if she did, it’s nothing I am willing to discuss with you.” The doors open, and I slide in. I stare at him as the doors close. What the hell was that? Am I missing something? I have a patient who likes me, which makes me happy, but why me? I think of the eyes I saw when I first walked in. The hurt, the pain. I know those eyes all too well. It’s like looking in the mirror.
Back at my desk, I sit down and start to eat some lunch. Doing rounds and showing extra attention to Mrs. Grace has left me famished. I get halfway into my sandwich when the phone rings.
“Hannah Redman,” I say as I swallow my food.
“Hannah, it’s Jane. I just got word that Mrs. Grace’s room is ready.” OK, no more lunch.
“I’ll be down in five.” I wrap up my lunch with hopes of eating it later.