Finding Home (20 page)

Going steady with Gordon was like going to
church with the Wembles. Something I had to do to save myself. Not
exciting, but certain. Non-threatening. Chaste. Our kisses were
short and dry, as if Nick had never existed. In fact I made a very
conscious effort to forget Nick, forget how thrilling it had been
that day in my room.

Three years passed in a boring but bearable
blur. And then Nick showed up at West Grove High His father had
remarried and moved to Greenham Heights. Nick had dropped out of
school for a couple of years, stoned most of the time. He’d been
busted but gotten off on a technicality. As far as I could see,
though he made a show of being reformed and ready to apply to
college, his reason for being back in school was to deal drugs.

Girls threw themselves at him, but I
pretended not to know him. He seemed to think that was funny. He’d
look at me and smile, his eyes telling me that underneath my modest
skirts and bowed blouses he knew what I was really like. “Hey
Castle kid,” he’d say, the few times he caught me without Gordon,
“why don’t you call me sometime?”

And then there was Prom night.

Dancing with Nick, his arms around me, his
hands on my bare skin, I was mindless with longing. “Remember that
day at the Castle?” he whispered, his mouth in my hair, his tongue
brushing my earlobe. Like I could ever forget. Like I could think
of anything else. When he stroked my back and murmured, “Come to my
room later?” I didn’t say no.

After the dance we all went out to dinner at
a downtown hotel where we’d booked rooms. I told the Wembles I’d be
staying with Liz and two other girls, and Gordon would stay with
the guys. Of course Gordon and I really had our own room. Not
because we planned to have sex, but because we didn’t. Gordon had
made it clear that he didn’t feel ready, probably because he wasn’t
attracted to me in that way. What a relief. I had zero interest in
sleeping with him.

We actually planned to sleep, separately,
each in our own bed. But after Gordon dozed off I crept out of our
room and down the hall. I knew where Nick was because he’d told me
at the restaurant. He and Liz weren’t involved – she’d just needed
a date. She wasn’t even staying over at the hotel.

Nick was waiting for me. I fell into his arms
and out of my long black dress. And then it was like no time at all
had passed since that day in my room at the Castle. Except that now
nobody knew where we were. Nobody stopped us.

Much later I sneaked back into Gordon’s room
before he woke up. In the morning I went home to the Wembles, in
shock at what I’d done. I avoided Nick and wrote my final exams in
a daze. Then I went off to Camp Sumac as a senior counselor. I
spent a restless and unhappy summer, pining for Nick. Gordon didn’t
even notice.

The plan for my future was that the Wembles
would continue to support me while I went to college, even though I
wasn’t legally a crown ward since I’d turned eighteen. We had
agreed I’d keep living with them, without paying board, while I got
my degree at Middleford U. But I knew it wasn’t going to work. I
couldn’t keep up the charade.

When I came home from camp early, it wasn’t
to get ready for college, as I’d told Gordon and the Wembles. It
was to see Nick. I called him as soon as I got home and told him to
pick me up at the corner that night.

The air was sultry, hot and still. Nick drove
me to the river park below the Castle, where we spread a blanket on
the ground and lay together in the moonlight getting high. And in a
few hours, four years of living with the Wembles and going with
Gordon simply ceased to exist.

When Gordon came home from camp I tried to
break up with him. But he had become so much a part of my life it
wasn’t possible to stop seeing him. The Wembles treated him like a
son, so it would have been like losing a brother. And Gordon didn’t
seem to care that I’d had sex with someone else. Now I know he must
have been struggling with his own sexuality, coming to terms with
being gay, and needed me as a front.

So we continued as if nothing had happened,
except that I met Nick whenever I could. My smoldering passion now
sizzled. I went on the pill and started classes at Middleford U.
But by early October I knew I was already pregnant.

The memory of that ripped through me then as
I sat on the landing of the wooden steps below the Castle. I’d done
what I had to do. There was no question of me having Nick’s baby
then. I’d sworn to never look back. And for years I’d succeeded,
pushing the memory deeper and deeper, until finally it seemed never
to have happened at all.

Cramped sitting so long, I stood and
continued on down the steps. But I couldn’t get away from
remembering, even though I didn’t really want to. This memory was
so raw, so ragged, not nicely rounded like those I’d let tumble
about in my mind until they were smooth enough to bear.

This memory cut like a piece of broken glass.
It scraped away inside me, a kind of D&C of the heart.

At the bottom of the steps I plodded on
across the park, which smelled of dead wet grass and dogs. The sky
had clouded over again, and the fickle wind now blew damp and cold.
I found the spot where Nick and I had lain that first night, the
night I must have conceived.

I never told Nick or Gordon or the Wembles I
was pregnant. I called the college clinic and had an abortion. Then
I took my scholarship money and fled to Toronto.

There I found the job at the Children’s
Agency and met Jay. I wrote to the Wembles, trying to explain that
I had to live my own life, not theirs. I thanked them for
everything they’d done. I wrote to Gordon too, wishing him well.
Nick I just tried not to think about, ever again. Until that day in
Montreal.

I felt chilled to the bone and drew my cape
closed over my baby. As I headed for the steps I felt a funny
little fluttering deep inside me. I wasn’t quite sure what it was.
But then it came again, just a gentle quivering. And then I knew
for certain.

I’d felt my baby move for the first
time
.

I was crying as I climbed the steps and
trudged along the path through the woods, back past the Castle,
back through the streets of my childhood. I wished I could have my
baby right now and hold her forever.

And that’s when I knew for sure I would
never, ever, give my baby up.

No matter what.

To avoid having to go to church with the
Wembles, I arranged to leave Middleford on Saturday. Even so, Vera
kept dropping hints that I could change my flight and stay on.
“Everyone at church would be so pleased to see you,” she said. “And
I don’t know whether to mention this or not, but Gordon Clark is
our minister now. He was at a church out in Oxbury, but when his
father died last year, he was called to take over.”

It was harder than I would have expected to
refuse. And it was impossible to tell the Wembles how sorry I was
for not being the daughter they deserved. All the way back to Nova
Scotia I felt such guilt, because I was bound to hurt them, no
matter what I did. While all they’d ever done was love me.

But when I arrived back at Malagash that
evening I forgot about the Wembles. A dozen pink sweetheart roses
stood in a cut-glass vase on the hall table. Propped up beside them
was a card that read:
Happy Valentine’s Day. All my love,
Jay
. Beside the table, in black jeans and sweater, stood
Nick.

“Hello?” I said, my heart hammering. I set
down my backpack, slipped off my cape. “How come you’re here?”

Nick hung up my cape. “Thought I’d take a
weekend off for once.”

“Oh.” It was a huge effort not to rush and
hug him. All the way home I’d been remembering our past: how crazy
I’d been about him, how we’d made a baby together, how Nick didn’t
even know about the child he’d fathered because I’d had an abortion
and run away. And how I’d blocked the whole damn thing.

“Nice visit?” he asked. “How’s good old
Middleford?”

I didn’t know how to react. Something in his
tone suggested he was really asking more. Like was I finally ready
to admit we’d once been lovers.

“Oh, Middleford will never change,” I said
with a laugh. “Comforting at first, then boring, then deadly.
Couldn’t wait to get there, couldn’t wait to get away.”

“Yeah,” Nick said, “I know what you mean. I
do my best to avoid it.” He took my backpack, set it on the stairs.
“So.” He pointed to the roses. “I see somebody’s sure after
you.”

I tried to stay calm. “Um, when did those
come?”

“This morning. A whole day early, he must
really care.”

“I don’t think so.” I touched one of the
candy-pink buds, bent to sniff the faint rose fragrance. “Why do
men always get the right idea at the wrong time?” I said. “I mean,
he never sent flowers when it might have made a difference.” I
didn’t think Nick would want to hear how Jay had picked bunches of
wildflowers for me at the lodge.

Nick glowered. “Who is this guy anyway?”

“Just an old friend.”

“Come on. Guys don’t send roses unless they
mean business.”

“Not in this case.” I couldn’t keep the
sadness out of my voice. “Where’s Kiera?”

“Gone up to bed early. She hasn’t been
feeling too well.”

“Oh.” I remembered Kiera heaving the morning
I left for Middleford. Was she really pregnant? And if she was, did
Nick know? “What’s wrong with her?”

“Probably just winter. But she’s off to
Hawaii tomorrow, that should help.”

“Hawaii?”

“Yeah, her aunt has a condo. Kiera goes to
visit for a couple weeks every year.” He strode into the living
room and I followed. “You never told me you had somebody current,”
he said.

“I don’t.”

“Then how come you got roses?”

Good question. What was going on? “Guilt, I
guess. I haven’t seen him in months.”

Nick sat in one of the ivory velvet wing
chairs by the fire. “Yeah, I bet.”

“Excuse me?” Another thing I’d remembered on
the flight back was how possessive Nick had been. In the few weeks
we were together he’d acted as if he owned me. Even though he knew
Gordon and I had no physical relationship, he questioned me all the
time.

One night he just wouldn’t stop. “You did it
with him, didn’t you,” he said, “up at that camp you went to.”

“No Nick,” I said. “You have to believe me,
Gord wasn’t interested.”

“But you were.” He grabbed hold of the silver
locket Gord had given me, which I still wore. “You wanted it, I
know you did.” Then he ripped the chain right off my neck.

Maybe he was remembering the same thing,
because now he said, “Did you ever have sex with Gord?”

“Oh my god,” I cried. “Why would you bring
that up? You know I didn’t.”

“No, I don’t,” he said. “You didn’t tell me
you’ve got a boyfriend,
who sends you roses
, so what else
didn’t you tell me?”

“Nick, c’mon, this is crazy.” I couldn’t help
yawning. “I’m really tired.”

“I’m supposed to tell you there’s dinner if
you want any.” Nick poured himself a double Scotch from the bottle
on the coffee table. It clearly wasn’t his first of the
evening.

“No thanks,” I said. “I ate on the plane. I
think I’ll just go up to bed now.” “You’re not going to sit and
talk to me?”

Besides feeling wiped out and grungy from
traveling, I felt unprepared to deal with Nick. The memories that
had surfaced in Middleford were painful and confusing. Plus, I
didn’t appreciate his attitude about Jay. “Look, I’m beat. I’d
probably just fall asleep.”

“Oh, come on, sit.” His voice went all mellow
and coaxing. “I’ve missed you.”

My back was aching and I was too tired to
argue, so I sat down opposite him, in the chair I thought of as
Kiera’s. I put my feet up on the needlepoint footstool and wriggled
around trying to get comfortable, which was getting more difficult
the bigger I grew. My dress, which had been so loose and full when
Phoebe made it, bunched up under me, pulling at every seam.

Finally I settled. Except for the dying light
of the fire the room was in darkness. A sleepy quiet filled the
house.

“You still running?” Nick said.

“Running?” I was thinking about Kiera going
away, and what might happen next. “Oh, running. Well no, not
exactly. I walk very fast, and then I jog a bit, depending on how
I’m feeling, and how much snow and ice there is.”

Nick looked concerned. “Do you go up on the
trails?”

“Of course.”

“I don’t think you should.” He finished his
drink and poured another. “You might fall.”

“Oh please, I’m not that big yet, am I? I
mean, thanks for caring, but do I look like I might just topple
over?”

“You look marvelous. But anybody can slip on
ice. I’d really rather you didn’t go way up there, it’s too
remote.”

I gave a little shout of protest. “But I have
to have exercise!”

“Why take a chance though?” Nick spoke with
conviction and authority, a voice I imagined he might use in court.
“You could lie up there injured for hours before anybody found you.
You could have a miscarriage. Or freeze to death. Just stay on the
cleared paths around the house.”

“For god’s sake Nick.” I knew he was probably
right, I just didn’t like him ordering me around. “Would you do
that?”

“I’m not pregnant.”

I pushed myself up out of the chair. “Look,
don’t ever tell me what I can and can’t do.”

“Hey, sorry.” Nick reached out to touch my
sleeve. “I was just thinking about my baby.”

“Well, your baby needs me to sleep right now.
Good night.”

I headed for the stairs, heard Nick close
behind. He caught up with me on the landing. His arms encircled me
from behind, holding my belly in a confident grip. “Hey, don’t be
mad,” he whispered into my hair. He brushed his lips along the back
of my neck. Right where my silver locket chain had left a bloody
scrape all those years ago.