Finding Home (21 page)

I stood absolutely still. His body pressed
against my back and I had the absurd vision of a plump round walnut
about to be crushed in a nutcracker. Just continue on up the
stairs, I told myself. Get away from him.

But I didn’t want to move.

What I wanted, desperately, was to lean back
into his embrace. Relax and let his arms hold me. Let his lips kiss
me, his hands touch me, for hours.

Nick caressed my stomach gently. “God, have
you any idea how much I’ve wanted to touch you there, to feel my
baby inside you?” He fondled every inch of my bulging belly, a
sensation so exquisite I thought I might scream.

I placed my hand over his, pressing it
closer. “I felt the baby move for the first time while I was away.”
y words sounded thick, as if they’d come from deep inside me.

“I want to feel him move too!”

That saved me. “Nick! It’s a girl.”

“It is? I thought you didn’t ask when you
went for the ultrasound.”

“I didn’t But I just think it’s a girl,
okay?” I wasn’t going to tell him yet about reading
Sweet Fetal
Dreams
and about my baby communicating with me.

“Mother’s intuition, eh?” Nick laughed and
turned me around. “God, your eyes are incredible. I hope our baby
has them.” He touched my face ever so softly. “When I phoned last
week and Kiera said you’d gone away for a few days, I thought you’d
run off and left us. I couldn’t concentrate at work. I mean it was
so bad I lost squash games to guys I usually slaughter. was afraid
we’d never see you again.”

“Oh Nick.”

“Are you going to phone him?”

“Phone who?”

“The guy who sent the roses.”

“No, I told you, it’s over with him.”

“Don’t lie to me. Don’t piss me off.”

I pulled away. “Look, I’m back, and I’m not
going anywhere, except to sleep, right now.” I kissed him on the
cheek and headed on up the stairs. “But when I’m awake you can feel
our baby anytime you like.”

* * *

First thing in the morning, still in my plaid
flannel nightgown, I crossed the hall to Kiera’s room. She was busy
packing. On her four-poster bed, which was graced with a snowy lace
canopy, spread and dust ruffle, lay heaps of shorts and sandals and
sundresses.

“We have to talk,” I said, pulling the door
shut behind me.

Kiera gave a coy little smile. “Oh hi, Luce,”
she said. How was your trip?” She looked far better than the last
time I’d seen her. Although still pale, there was a brightness
about her face, and her hair was its smooth, silky self again.

“Fine,” I said. “But that’s not what I want
to talk about.”

Kiera just nodded, continued stuffing clothes
into suitcases with brisk, eager movements “You saw the roses?”

“Mmhmm.” I looked around for somewhere to
sit. The only chair was very small and fragile-looking.

“The pattern on the back and seat of that
chair was made by Micmac women, from dyed porcupine quills and
birch bark,” Kiera said. “My father bought it years ago, he loved
collecting anything local. That bed, for instance, was made here in
Lunenburg county too, about 1820. My father – ”

“For god’s sake, Kiera! Stop. I really
couldn’t care less about your furniture right now. Just tell me,
are you sure you’re pregnant?”

She let out a whoop and threw the neon blue
bathing suit she was holding up into the air. “Yes!” she cried.
“Yes, yes, yes! Oh Luce, I’m just so thrilled.” She came and hugged
me then, tried to dance me around. “Angus said it often happens
when women stop worrying about it, even to women who’ve been told
they can’t.”

I refused to let her twirl me. “Yeah, I know.
I used to see it all the time at the Children’s Agency. As soon as
a couple was approved for adoption and a baby was on the way, the
woman would finally get pregnant. But Kiera, what about
my
baby?”

“Oh, don’t worry a bit, Luce, it’s not a
problem at all. Angus and I have talked about it, and we’d be happy
to have both babies. We’d honor your contract of course.”

“You want both babies?”

Kiera scrunched up her face in an exaggerated
smile and hugged herself with joy. “Oh absolutely, it’s like a
dream come true!”

“But Kiera,” I said, “you can’t have both
babies. I want to keep mine.” There, I’d said it.

Her arms dropped to her sides. “You do?” She
just stood and stared at me. “Oh. Oh, but that’s wonderful. And I
think you should, if you want to. But what about the money? What
about your camp?”

I suddenly felt very tired. I pushed her
clothes out of the way and collapsed on her bed. “I don’t know,” I
moaned. “I just don’t know.”

“Well, what about that guy Jay?” She flung a
pile of underwear and T-shirts into a suitcase. “I forgot to tell
you, after the roses came yesterday, well last night, he phoned. He
was pretty upset you weren’t here.”

“
Jay phoned me?
”

“Yes, he said he finally got Odette to tell
him where you were. He wants you to call him, I’ve got the number
written down.”

“Christ, I know his number.”

She shook out a short flowered dress. “I
never dreamed this could be a maternity dress.” She held it up in
front of her and gave a deep theatrical sigh. “So you’ll call
him?”

“No.”

“Aw, why not? He sounded so nice. And he
really loves you.”

“I told you before, it’s over.” I handed her
a stack of folded sweaters. “What are you going to Hawaii for
anyway? I mean, I know it’s warm and sunny, but now that you’re
pregnant, don’t you want to be here, in your own house? Don’t you
want to be with Angus?”

“Luce,” Kiera said. She dropped the sweaters
back on the bed and turned to face me, her eyes filling with tears.
“It’s not my house, remember? I’m going to leave Nick, so I’m going
to lose Malagash. Having a baby is worth that, but now that I’m
pregnant, there’s no reason to stay. And if I have to leave, I want
to get it over with. I can’t bear to be here anymore.”

“Right,” I said. “So you’re going to Hawaii
for how long?”

Kiera crossed to her dresser, which was
almost taller than her. She fiddled around with a collection of
antique glass and silver perfume bottles, arranging and rearranging
them on their lace doilies. “I’m not,” she said.

“What?”

“I’m not going to Hawaii, that’s just what I
told Nick.”

I pointed to all her things. “Well it sure
looks like you are.”

“I know. That’s the idea. I want Nick to
think that’s where I am. But you’re right, I don’t want to go away
now. I want to be with Angus, and that’s where I’m going. To his
house in Airdrie Bay. I already took a lot of other stuff down
while you were away.”

“Huh?” I raised myself up off the bed and
marched around the room to stretch my legs. “But why not just tell
Nick? Get that over with too.”

Kiera kept her back to me. “Well, I wasn’t
sure how he’d react. I mean, he’s not going to like it if I tell
him I’m leaving him for Angus and we’re having our own baby. And
that puts you in a tough spot, you’d have to choose. Which I didn’t
want to make you do.”

“You think he’s going to freak?”

Kiera shrugged. “Wouldn’t be the first time.”
She came and put her arms around me then. “Look, you can come with
me, you know. You’re more than welcome. We can both just get the
hell out of here right now.”

I didn’t know what to say. I wanted my baby
and I wanted my camp. My situation was still irresolvable.

“You want Nick?” Kiera asked.

I couldn’t look her in the eye. “Maybe.”

She stepped away from me, back over to her
dresser. “You’ll find out,” she said, “you’ll find out what he’s
really like.” She took a quilted toiletry bag from a drawer and
started filling it with brushes and makeup. “I mean, maybe you’re a
match for him, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“Okay.” I thought I knew what Nick was like
and I figured I could manage him. “Anything else?”

Kiera tossed sunglasses and a fat paperback
into her carry-on, then tried to force closed her many matching
suitcases. I helped her hold them shut while she wrestled with the
zippers. “Phoebe won’t come up,” she said, “but you know where we
are if you need anything.” She handed me her keys. “And don’t
forget the car will be here, if you want it.”

I helped her gather everything. “Well, take
care Luce,” she said. “And do yourself a favor. Forget Nick, he’s
trouble. Call Jay.”

“Thanks,” I said. “Have fun.” Which was
precisely what I planned to do.

As soon as Kiera left I took a long,
leisurely bath. As I lay in the bubbly, scented water I thought
about Nick, remembering how it had been with him all those years
ago. Our bodies had met and matched perfectly. Now, with our baby
inside me, it would be even better. At almost five months pregnant
I was starting to look like some kind of fertility goddess, my
stomach rounding up into my breasts, which seemed to have doubled
in size.

I dried off and slathered myself with cocoa
butter to prevent stretch marks. I daubed on some jasmine and
orange blossom cologne and brushed out my hair. Then I slithered
into the white silk gown Nick had given me and flew downstairs.

I still wasn’t sure what I
should
do,
but I knew what I was going to do. How appropriate that today was
actually Valentine’s Day. In the hall I passed the bouquet of roses
from Jay and gave it a last look. Sorry, I thought, too little, too
late. Goodbye Jay. Sayonara. You had your chance and you blew
it.

Nick had an office set up in the library,
briefcase and laptop and papers spread out everywhere as usual. I
stood at the glass door watching him. When he glanced up, he
dropped his pen and stared at me for several long minutes.

I pushed the door open and sauntered over to
him. “Good morning, Mr. Talbot.” I stood in front of his desk,
trying to seem like a client, afraid I might actually swoon.
“Working hard? Getting lots done?”

He leapt up and threw his arms around me.
“Not enough,” he said, holding me like I wanted to escape. “It’s
never enough.”

“Hey, it’s okay,” I said. “I’m not going
anywhere.”

Nick relaxed a bit and slid his fingers
lightly down my back and buttocks and thighs. “It’s just that I’ve
waited so long.” He cupped my breasts and sighed. “Like about
fourteen years. God, where did you go? Why’d you leave me? We were
so good together, and I thought we really had something, you
know?”

“Oh, you lawyers,” I said. “You’re too
serious.”

Nick let go and stepped back, never taking
his eyes off me. “Don’t tease me. I’m serious, all right. About
you.” Then he knelt in front of me and lifted my gown, exposing my
big round belly like a full moon. He pressed his cheek close and
began covering me with soft, sweet kisses, all over the shape of my
baby. “God, you’re beautiful,” he said. “I want you so much.”

I tangled my hands in his hair and breathed
deeply, lost in the sensation of his mouth on my skin. Finally his
hands moved from my belly up to my breasts again. “Come upstairs,”
I said, faint with pleasure.

* * *

Nick canceled his flight back to Toronto and
stayed with me till Monday afternoon. We spent the whole time in
bed. Nothing existed but him and me and our baby. Physically, it
wasn’t nearly as awkward as I’d imagined. We were so enthralled it
was as if we were one being in my pregnant body. I felt eighteen
again, ready and able to bear any number of children. I felt more
beautiful and desirable than I could ever remember. And when my
baby wiggled and kicked inside me I lost myself in total
euphoria.

When Nick finally had to leave I walked to
Airdrie Bay just for something to do. I thought about looking for
Kiera, but didn’t want to tell her what had been going on at
Malagash. Nick was still her husband, after all. Instead I had tea
at the Loaves & Fishes café, chatted with Flo and Dottie
awhile. I wondered if they knew Kiera was living with Angus now.
Probably, but they wouldn’t mention that to me. They’d wait and
talk about it later.

Then I stopped in at the post office, where
Alma, also from the quilting group, worked. She handed me a bundle
of mail too bulky to fit in the box. After Christmas I’d written to
camping associations for information about regulations and
membership and so on, and it looked like this was what I’d been
waiting for.

Back at the house I spent the day trying to
decipher what I’d received from the Association Des Camps Du
Quebec. Of course the information was in French, since I’d
forgotten to request an English version. But the French I’d picked
up in my four years at the lodge was useless for reading. My high
school French didn’t help much either, and I didn’t have a
dictionary.

At that point the whole thing seemed like too
much effort to even think about. Maybe I should just forget the
camp and go live with Nick? Why not forget my dream and just let
him take care of me? I’d have my baby, why would I need anything
else? Running a camp was going to be a whole lot of work, and maybe
it wouldn’t even be successful. Why would I bother when I could
live a nice, easy, rich life with Nick and our child?

* * *

First thing next morning a florist’s delivery
truck arrived with two dozen long-stemmed roses, in luscious
heart-throbbing red. The card said simply:
See you next
weekend.

I chucked out Jay’s wilted bouquet and
arranged Nick’s roses in two vases, one on the hall table, one up
in my room. And for the rest of the week, whenever I tried to focus
on what I needed to do for my camp, the whole idea seemed too
remote. It made me sleepy, and I drifted off into Nick-hazy
fantasies.

By the time Nick showed up again I was
helpless with desire. How shameless, how wanton I was. The real
world simply vanished. Until late Saturday night when the phone
rang.