From The Ashes (The Knights of Mayhem Book 3) (5 page)

He pinches the bridge of his nose, contemplating his next words.  “I need for you not to be here …” His voice trails off into the stifling air between us.  “Fuck me, Hollis. Stop looking at me that way.”  He turns his back and I cast my eyes down to the hardwood floor of my so-called room.

“What do you want me to do, Roman? After last night …” I gesture around the room, sweeping my arm through the empty air.

“Shut up. Don’t talk about it.”  He cuts me off with his clipped tone, bringing me up short.  “It didn’t happen as far as I’m concerned, so don’t ever bring it up again.” 

Feeling the dejection slowly morph into anger, I jump to my feet.  “But it did fucking happen. I’m not going to let you or anyone else treat me like an afterthought anymore.  I’ll go to the shop myself and try to get them to see that I’m am a different person now.” I stop with my rant

He begins pacing back and forth, and with each pass, I see the tension in his shoulders build.  He finally comes to a stop directly in front of me.

“I’ve never treated you like an afterthought.”  He forces his fingers through is thick, dirty blond hair.  “I’ve gone through this conversation so many times in my head.  I’ve tried to figure out what I want to do and balance it with what I need to do.”  He steps to me ducking his head. “But all I can think about is how much I loved you.” He pauses at those loaded words, making my heart fill with hope. “But that was then.” And just like that, he crushes my hopes again. I’m not sure they can take much more.

“Fine, let me get my things. You can take me out of town and drop me off. You’ll never have to worry about me again.”  I turn for my bag but he stops me by taking my arm.

“Could you just shut your trap for a few seconds so I can figure this whole thing out?”  His eyes cut through my soul, the sting of betrayal lurking heavily in them.  He releases me and takes a seat on the bed.  “You don’t think, Hollis. You never did.  What exactly did you think would come of this?” 

“I don’t know. I just knew I needed to get Caden out of there.”  I wring my hands, not sure what I should do with them, so I cross my arms over my chest, trying to keep him from seeing them shake. 

He scoffs at my remark.  “I’m sure Caden was the only thing you were thinking about, you heartless bitch.” 

I wince, but I regain my composure so as not to give away any of my anticipated hopes or the deep-seated feelings I still have for him.  “Call me whatever you want. You know damn well you would never have found that little girl if it hadn’t been for me.” 

He drags in a deep breath, leveling his eyes at me again as he stands.  “You might be right, but don’t go around thinking what you did makes everything all right.”

“You’ve already told me that, Roman, and I didn’t even think what I did would ever make up for the shitstorm I’ve caused in your life, or theirs.”

“Just keep telling yourself that.”  He turns and leaves.  I follow him through the house, fast on his heels. 

“What are you going to do with me?”  I stop when he turns at the sound of my voice. 

“I have no fucking clue. None of the rest want you, and even though I hate the sight of you, I can’t just turn you out.  So, I guess we’re in one fucked-up mess, aren’t we?”  This man—the man he is now—I don’t even know. His words plunge a knife into my heart, bringing it home that all hope of being together is gone. Nevertheless, there’s nothing he can say or do that could ever compare to the things I’ve dealt with. He’s a picnic compared to Markus.

He turns to look at me, making me rethink the picnic part.  His eyes are the darkest blue, not the innocent crystal blue they usually are. I can see the anger swimming in them so I take a step back for good measure, putting distance between us.  He isn’t kidding about the hate part; he’s seething.

“Then what would you have me do, Roman?  You brought me here and you won’t let me leave, so I guess we’re stuck.  You can be mad and hate me all you want.”  He turns back and continues in the direction of the kitchen. 

“You gave me no fucking choice,”  he growls at me over his shoulder. 

Self-preservation be damned. I follow him, not ready to let this go.  He has to know I blame myself more than he or his family ever could.

“No, you had a choice and you took it, but you’re going back on your decision. I don’t know why, but you did and came back for me. Don’t take it out on me because you’re pissed at yourself.”  At the end of my rant, I realize I’m screaming.  I’m not going to let him blame me for something else that isn’t my fault. It was a choice he made.

“You’re the one who caused all this.  You and your drugs and the people that came with it.” 

“If I remember correctly,you were one of thos
e
people
,
and you didn’t seem to object to my lifestyle then because I was sucking your dick and fucking your brains out on the regular.”

“Don’t blame me for the person you would’ve probably been anyway.” 

“Probably so, and I’m not blaming you for anything.  All I’ve done is on me and I accept it.  You’re the one who’s having trouble coming to terms with the fact you slummed it, just like your father did.” His eyes begin burning a hole through me.  I might have gone a little too far with that one. 

He grits his teeth, biting back what I’m sure are mind-bending, heartbreaking words.  “Call it what you want; it was what it was.  I have to go to work.”  He walks for the door.  “Don’t fucking burn down the place.”  He slams the door behind him, finalizing the conversation.

“Don’t give me any fucking ideas,”  I scream at the door, then look around his nice home.  It would be a shame, but I wouldn’t put it past me just to prove a point.

Roman

“Motherfucker!”  I scream into the air.  That woman can drive me to all points of insanity.  I climb into my truck and my phone rings. 
Leah
.  I haven’t spoken to or called her going on three days now.  Instead, I was cheating on her with my fucking ex junkie girlfriend, on a table I had eaten dinner with her at on numerous occasions.

“Hey, babe.”  I answer because I have to. I owe her as much.

“Hey, where have you been?”   Her voice is sweet, untouched by the life I’ve kept from her.  Unlike the woman I just left, I have to keep certain things from her.  Leah knows all about the DEA and the cover, but I’ve never told her the things I’ve done or seen like I had Hollis. 

“Sorry about that—been working.”  I lie. Mostly it’s for her safety, but mainly to keep something of me, for me.  I’ve learned from the past that giving too much of myself only gets me burned.

“Will you be free tonight?  I am kinda missing you, baby.”  I roll my eyes at the tone she puts to her voice.  She’s a sweet person and we get along great.  She’s also a yoga instructor, so the sex is awesome. 

“Sure, what do you have in mind?”  Five minutes later I have a date with Leah.  I throw the phone onto the dash. Just one more thing to add to my list of shit to do. Just fucking great.

~~~~~~

I walk through the open bay doors into the shop.  Dalton is working under the hood of a sedan when he spots me, lifting his head with a huge shit-eating grin on his face.  “Hey dickhead.  How’s the cohabitation thing working out for ya? Is it all you dreamed it would be?”

I flip him the middle finger.  “Fuck off.”  I continue through the shop to Leo’s office.

“That great, huh?”  He wipes his hands on a cloth he has laying on the fender. I just look at him and shake my head. 

I open the door to find Leo sitting at his desk doing paperwork.  I slam the door behind me, getting his attention.  “Something on your mind?”  He takes off his glasses and throws them onto his desk.

“You’ve gotta take her.”  I slump down into the leather chair across from him.

“No I don’t.”  He sits back, lacing his hands behind his head. 

“You have to. If I have to spend another night in that house with her, I’ll kill her.”  The anger I had managed to get under control on the drive over is starting to bubble back up.  “I can’t fucking look at her without wanting to wrap my hands around her throat and choke the ever-loving life out of her.”

“As do the rest of us, but I think it’s for two completely different reasons.”  He raises his eyebrows at me.

“What?  No … fuck no.”  I look at him, disgusted at the memory of last night. I hadn’t even wrapped my shit.  God, my dick is going to rot and fall off.  “Come on. Avery’s the only possible person who could put up with her.  She wasn’t around for all the shit that went down in the past.” 

“Sorry man, can’t help ya. I don’t want her around Avery, in my house, or at our workplace. You’re the one who brought her home, so figure it out or take her back.” 

“Those are my only two options.”  I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees to cradle my head in my hands.  “Shit.”  I stand and go to the door.  “I’ve gotta get some work done.”

“So what are you gonna do?”  Leo asks.

“I don’t know … not sure I ever will.”  I walk back through the garage and out into the warm fall sun.  The air’s getting chillier with every passing day.  I make my way to the office I had built when I started the security business a couple months ago.  Just made sense to put it here instead of renting space in town.

Eno’s sitting at his computer when I walk through the door.  “Hey. Didn’t think you’d make it in.”  He isn’t as chipper as he usually is, but he’s at least being cordial.

“What would make you think that?”  I take off my jacket and hang it up. 

“The way Beeker was talking, I figured you would be too hungover for work today.”

“I had a few drinks. Is that a fucking crime?  You damn bunch of fucking gossip queens.”  I snarl.  I’m definitely not in the mood to be around people today, and it all stems from my argument with Hollis.  My inability to get rid of her, physically and emotionally, has bent my mood for the foreseeable future.  I should hate her. Leaving her behind should’ve been an afterthought, not a guilt trip my heart decided to take me on. 

I don’t wait for a response. I slam another door behind me, hoping to leave behind the recent events of my life.

Chapter Five

Roman

I park my truck in the garage and take a deep breath, relieved she didn’t actually burn down my house.  I step into the foyer to the smell of food.  I look around and see a basket of neatly folded laundry sitting at the foot of the steps and the house has been cleaned from top to bottom. 

I head for the sounds of the clattering pots and soft music coming from the kitchen.  The closer I get, the better the food smells, making my mouth water.  I step into the kitchen to see Hollis has cooked a six course spread.

She turns to see me and jumps.  “Oh shit, Roman. I didn’t hear you come in.”

“What the hell are you doing?”  I need to keep the ‘I don’t give a fuck attitude’ about me. She can’t see one hint of me breaking.

“I cooked dinner for you.”  She smiles, looking pleased with herself.

“Well, you’ll have to eat it by yourself. I have a date.”  I shove my hands into my pockets.

Her shoulders slump with disappointment.  “A date?”

“Yeah, with my girlfriend.  We have dinner plans.”  The coldness in my voice surprises even me.  I keep telling myself to remember all she’s done; channel the anger I’ve felt for her for so long into this moment and the ones that will follow.  Each time I’m with or around her, I need to keep a cold exterior about me.

“You have a girlfriend?”  I don’t think she could look anymore dejected.

“I do.”  I turn to head for the stairs, but before I do, I throw one more jab in her direction.  “Thanks for the clean clothes.”

~~~~~~

I step out of the shower after standing in there for around thirty minutes, going over and then back over the past couple days, trying to wash it away, but to no avail.  I’m still consumed with her like I always have been. She’s in my blood.  I have to pick Leah up at six and I need to get my head right. I wrap the towel around me and go out into my bedroom where I’m shocked to find Hollis sitting on my bed.

“What the fuck are you doing up here?” 

“To find out what exactly you’re doing by keeping me here.”  She crosses her arms over her chest and I let my eyes drift down, taking a look before coming back up to her eyes.

“I don’t have a damn clue what to do with you. We’ve been over this.”  I cross over to the dresser and pull a pair of boxer briefs out.  “Still trying to figure it out.”

“Won’t your girlfriend be pissed you have another woman living with you?”  She stands as I pass back by her for the bathroom.

“Why don’t you let me worry about that and you get the hell out of my room so I can get dressed.”  I slam the bathroom door on her.

Not a woman to be ignored, she begins to bang on the door.  “Roman, get back out here, damn it.”

I jerk open the door to come face to face with her.  “Do you want to go back?  Because if you do, that would make my stress level drop.”

She takes a step back from me.  “No, but …”

“But what, Hollis?” 

Her eyes dart wildly around the room, searching for something.  “I don’t know, but you keeping me here and living your life around me is kinda like the situation I just left.”

“Like I said, if you want to go back, it can be arranged.”

“I don’t want to go back, but I don’t want to be your prisoner either.” 

I pull my shirt over my head.  “You’re not my prisoner. You can go and do whatever the hell you want.”

She scoffs.  “I have no way to go and do anything.”

“Then you sit here until I can figure out what to do with you.”  I disappear into my closet to retrieve a pair of jeans.  When I return, she’s still standing in the same spot with a lost look on her face.  “Look, Hollis, I don’t know what you expected when I brought you back but it’s not going to happen.  I have a different life now and you don’t fit in it.”  I slip on my shoes and head for the door.  “Gotta go. I’m gonna be late.”

“Roman, wait.”  I stop at the desperation in her voice.  “Are you going to hate me forever?”

“Quite possibly.”  I jog down the stairs and to the door, heading for my truck.  “Don’t wait up,”  I yell as I head out the door.  I stop in the garage, taking a deep breath. Hating her is going to wear me out.

~~~~~~

I try to rid myself of the tension wracking my body.  The sound of Hollis’ voice asking me if I would always hate her echoes through my head again and again.  My eyes burn with the memory of the pain on her face when I told her I might. 

“Hey, baby. Where did you go?”  I can feel the warm hand of the woman sitting next to me on my thigh.  Leah is a good woman, one you take home to your mother.  She takes good care of herself and her home—all the things a man should want in a potential partner.

“Nowhere,”  I say when I glance over at her and smile.  “I’m right here.”

“I’m excited about eating at this restaurant.  I’ve heard great things about it.”  Leah fills the cab of the truck with idle chatter, making me smile. I know someone else that hates silence.  I had made reservations in Lathan at a new restaurant,
Lisandro’s
, an Italian eatery new to the area.  I felt I owed it to her—to take her some place nice. She doesn’t need to know the reasons I feel this way. 

I lift her hand from my thigh and kiss the back of it. “Oh, Mother is having brunch Sunday. Will you be able to make it?”  She turns her doe eyes to me.  Leah is beautiful with her soft features and big brown eyes.  Hell, Piper already has our wedding planned.  Leah’s from money, old money, and generations of never having to want for anything—a stark contrast to the woman holed up at my home.

“Not sure, but I’ll let you know, okay?”  I smile over at her.  The way my weeks been going, there’s no telling what the hell will happen between now and Sunday.  She’s been trying to get me to meet her parents for a few weeks now. I think she’s a little further ahead in the relationship than I am at the moment.

“Okay. She’s really looking forward to meeting you,”  her voice is a little heavy and I understand.  I’ve been stalling on meeting the parents. That’s sort of the last nail in the bachelor coffin.

Once we arrive, we’re seated in an intimate dark corner, a small candle burning in the middle of the small round table.  She snuggles up to my side and I throw my arm around her, but I can’t keep my mind from drifting two hours down the road, back to my house.  What Hollis is doing and how she feels about me being out with Leah consumes me.  I hate her for making me want her again—for being back in my life.  I hate her for the fact that every time I’m around her, I can smell the vanilla on her skin.  I hate her for making me want to run my fingers through her long, chestnut hair, and for making me second-guess what I have with Leah.

The waitress comes around to take our drink orders and I order a Jack on the rocks.  Leah lays her hand on my chest.  “Is everything okay, baby?”

“Yeah, sure. Why wouldn’t it be?”  I say nonchalantly, giving a shoulder shrug for good measure.

“It’s just that you’re going heavy early.”  She readjusts herself. 

I point in the direction of our waitress.  “That is my first.”

She turns in the seat and levels her eyes at me.  “What’s going on with you?   There’s something different about you.”

Damn, woman, if you only knew.  “Nothing. I’m just ready to eat some good food with my woman.”

She wrinkles her face up.  “Please don’t call me that.  I’m not one o
f
thos
e
women.”  She waves her hand in the air like she’s swatting away the words I put in the air between us.  Tonight I’m showing her the real me, not the ‘always say what you want to hear’ Roman she’s been so accustomed to.  She’s right. I am different, and I don’t think I’ll be the fake Roman anymore; for her or anyone else.  With Hollis being here, what I’ve done is broken down the wall, I had built around my feelings for her. As I think about that, the waitress returns with our drinks.

“Why, are you not my woman?”  I turn it around on her.

“Well yeah, I guess so…”  she responds, flustered.

“Then why does it bother you if I say it?”  

“Why are you being this way?” 

“What way?  Fun, engaging?”  I take a sip of the Jack, drinking it all in one large gulp. “Playful?”

She adjusts the stick up her ass.  “No, rude.”

I sit up in the booth seat.  “I can assure you, Leah, when I’m rude, you’ll know it.”  The waitress is good. She immediately brings me another Jack on the rocks when she sees it empty.  I salute her, kill it and raise my glass, asking for another.

“Roman?”  Lea looks at me, shocked.

“What, Leah?”  I give her a bewildered look, even though I know what she’s reprimanding me for.  I’m by no means drunk, but two glasses of Jack on an empty stomach has me a little buzzed. I’ll be fine as soon as I eat, but for the moment, I’m enjoying my inability to focus my thoughts.  Also, for the first time in three days, I don’t feel like my body is a rubber band—ready to snap at any minute.

“Could you at least sit up? You’re slumped clear under the table.”  To appease miss manners, I straighten up, making her smile.  “Thank you.”

We place our orders and settle in to wait for the food.  “What is it?”  She’s been staring at me since the waitress left to get my fourth glass of Jack.

“I don’t know.  You stay gone for days and you don’t bother calling me.  I have no idea where you’ve been, but when you do come back, you’re different. You even look different, and don’t even get me started on your personality.” 

I shake my head, denying her statement.  “It’s just me, Leah. I’m the same old boring Roman Jefferys,”  I lie. I know I’m different, and going back to the way she likes me isn’t an option.  It’s amazing how Hollis has been back in my life for mere days and I’m completely unrecognizable, and
that
is another reason I hate her. The effect she has on my mental state pisses me off. 

I see Leah’s mouth moving but I’m so far from here, I don’t hear a word she says.  I just give her the complimentary head bob and a ‘really’ every once in a while.  I have no clue what I’m agreeing to, or if my responses match up to her words.

“You’re not even listening to me.” 

I gather her to me.  “Yes, sweetie, I am.”

I try and focus for the rest of the dinner on her, but Hollis isn’t ready to be pushed away yet and I’m not sure if I’m ready to push her out.  But how can I justify loving her after all she’s done?  Would my brothers understand—would the women?  No, of course they wouldn’t, and I’ll be damned if I choose her over my family. 

“Roman?”  I’ve drifted off again, and from the expression on Leah’s face, she’s over it. “Pay the bill and take me home please.”

I reach over and pull her onto my lap. She looks around nervously.  “Don’t worry, baby. No one can see us, or at least no one’s paying attention.”  I hug her close.  “I’m sorry. Let me take you home and show you just how sorry I am.”

She encircles my neck with her arms.  “Sounds like a great plan to me.”

Hollis

I’d sat alone at the kitchen table, eating the nice dinner I had made for him.  After I finished, I stored the food and washed the dishes, all the while trying to fight back the weak tears I promised myself I wasn’t going to cry.  He was right. I did think that maybe we could patch things up and be together, but he made it quite clear this morning that shit wasn’t going to happen.   I sigh at the thought. My heart literally hurts, like he plunged and twisted a nine inch blade through it.

I lay on my bed in the dark.  The house around me is so quiet my ears are ringing.  Add that to the pain in my chest, and I’m the complete breakdown package. I’m losing it.  Why did I think when he brought me back, we were just going to fall right back into where we left off?  We screwed, got drunk, screwed some more, then rode around on his Harley.  No one in their right mind would call that a relationship, except us.  I loved him then just as I do now. 

The sound of a vehicle, an all too familiar vehicle, coming up the drive catches my attention.  The lights flash through my window then disappear into the garage.  I turn, flinging my legs over the side of the bed and rest my feet on the floor.  I fist the sides of the mattress in my hands, balling up enough courage to face him.  His attitude towards me has turned south, but I guess negative attention is better than him putting a bullet in my head.

The tinkling of female laughter echoes through the garage, filtering into the house.  Oh my God! I clutch my chest because I can’t breathe.  Out of all the things I’ve done to my body, a heart attack from grief stricken shock is going to be the thing that finally kills me.

I’m forced to listen to him talk sweetly to her, having my face rubbed in it by her responding to him affectionately.  I hear all this as they cross the foyer to the stairs that will carry them up to his room.  I pinch my eyes together and force myself to swallow down the bile rising up and burning the back of my throat.  I look up with dread as I hear them slam his bedroom doors. 

I let my eyes follow their sounds as they stumble to the bed and hear as they land on it with a thud.  I throw myself back onto my bed—covering my ears with the palms of my hands—trying to block out the auditory images, but that’s as far as it goes.  My mind is racing with what he’s doing to her …
to her
, not me.  It really is true he has a girlfriend. I thought earlier he was just trying to hurt me by lying, but I know now he was doing both.