From The Ashes (The Knights of Mayhem Book 3) (7 page)

“Fine, I’m outta here.”  He turns and walks away.  I watch him leave, knowing I’m going to have a shitstorm to deal with when I get back to the clubhouse.  But right now, all I care about is getting Hollis down off the stage and back to my house. My sanity depends on it.

I turn and see her staggering around the stage and decide to put an end to this fucked up little tango she has me involved in.  I jump up on the side of the stage and rush her.  Before she can fight, I fling her over my shoulder and jump back off the stage.

“Roman, put me down right now,”  she yells while beating me on the back with her fists.

I smack her bare ass. “Shut it. I’m ready to go home.”  I walk towards the door with her over my shoulder and no one says a word to me. They just watch me leave.  She’s too drunk to fight me and the thought of her getting sick from being upside down makes me smile.  She deserves it. 

“So help me, Roman Jefferys, if you don’t put me down—”

“You’re going to do what exactly?  Scream at me until my fucking ears bleed?”  I continue to walk and I wave at Maurice and pick up her purse he has sat on the bar kicking the door open. 

I sling open the truck door and sit her in the passenger side seat.  She levels her eyes at me and out of nowhere, smacks the living shit out of me.  I step back, holding my jaw.  “What the fuck was that for?”

“How dare you!” Her words are laced with venom.

“I don’t have time for this bullshit. It’s time to get the fuck out of here.”

She shakes her head.  “No, not this time.  I am not letting you, or any other man, take away from me something that is mine.”

“I’m not taking anything away from you.”  My confusion is quickly being replaced by my anger. 

She points to the building at my left.  “In there, you just did.”

“No, what I just did was save you from falling back into the life you had back then.”

“What do you care if I do fall back into that life again?  Obviously you don’t give a shit about me.”  She tries to jump down from the seat but I push her back in.

“I came and got your ass, didn’t I?” 

“Only because I stole your precious truck.”  She looks away from me.  “That’s the only reason you’re here.”

I step in front of her. “You have a bra and a fucking thong on, Hollis. Where the hell are you gonna go?”   She pushes at my chest, but I’m not budging.

“Away from you,”  she snaps.

“And where is that exactly?”

She looks away and I can see the glassiness forming in her eyes.  I peel off my shirt and cover her with it.  “Put your legs in and let me get you out of here.”  She sniffles as she turns, putting her body fully into the truck.  I walk around the front, watching her the whole time.

“That place in there was never a place you should’ve been—then or now.”  I start the truck to the sounds of her softly crying.  “I wanted to do that so many times I lost count; go in there and get you off that fucking stage.  I just hate it’s under these circumstances now.”  She doesn’t say anything. She just cries all the way back to my house.

~~~~~~

I drop her off and watch as she runs up the steps, hugging my shirt around her and slamming the door behind her.  She had silently cried the whole way home and it took every fiber of my being not to comfort her.   I take a deep breath and pull out of my driveway, no closer as to how I’m going to handle this situation than I had been the day I drove up to Lathan to get her and Caden.

~~~~~~

I spend the next few days trying to avoid her … again. I’m up and out of the house way before she gets up, and I come home as late as I possibly can, heading straight to my room.  I lock myself away, along with my growing feelings for her.  I haven’t slept and it’s starting to wear on my appearance and mood. 

It’s Thursday. Leo and I had gotten into it early in the day so I find myself down in the basement, taking all my frustrations, mentally and sexually, out on the bag. 

I’ve been at it for nearly an hour when I feel her eyes on me.  I lower my hands and turn to her.  “What?”

She recoils at my harshness.  “Nothing. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”  This is the first time I’ve laid eyes on her since the afternoon at the strip joint, and it seems she looks more beautiful every time I see her.  

Leah dumped me because I refused to kick Hollis out of my house. That’s what Leo and I had been arguing about, along with the fact I had offered to put a bullet in his little brother’s head.  He oversteps his bounds in all our lives way too much and I told him so. 

I cross over to the mini fridge I keep stocked with water, taking one out and downing it.  Taking a deep breath, I look at her again, hoping I have the emotions running through me off my face.  “It’s all good. Anything else you need?” 

“I’m sick of this shit.  I sit in this house day in and day out, and don’t get one word from you.  I’m going crazy, so either hate me and turn me out, or love me and fuck the shit out of me.  Either way, I’m over us tiptoeing around each other.”  Her chest is heaving when she finishes her little rant.  She’s so fucking sexy, and yes, I would love to fuck the shit out of her.

I pinch the bridge of my nose, trying to free my head of those images.  “Right now is not a great time for us to be having this talk, Hollis.”

She comes closer to me.  “You just said it’s all good so yes, we’re having this talk now.”  She’s pointing at the floor and her whole body’s shaking.  Hell, I can’t blame her. If the roles were reversed, I’d feel the same way. 

I throw my hands up in the air.  “Have at it—start talking.”

“Umm … okay …”  My acceptance has thrown her and I love to watch her squirm under my gaze.  I give her an arrogant smile, helping her find her gusto again.  “You ass. Okay, here it is.  You can be an ass to me all you want, but it doesn’t change anything.  If you would just give me a chance—”

I hold up my hand.  “I’m gonna stop you right there.  I don’t have time for half-baked excuses or piss-poor explanations.  I’ll figure out what I’m going to do by tomorrow, and we can get you on your way somewhere.”

“On my way somewhere? What the hell are you going to do with me?  Give me money and send me on my fucking way.” 

I half smile at her.  “I thought you wanted me to fuck you or turn you out.”  I peel off my gloves and throw them on the bench sitting along the wall behind the bag, then turn back to her.  I rub my chin as if I’m thinking.  “Well, I’ve already fucked you, so I guess the only thing left to do is turn you out.”

She charges me, hitting me with her balled up fists against my chest.  “You asshole! When did you become so cold?”  She turns and runs up the steps. Not long after, I hear her slam her door.

I turn and kick the bag, knocking it off its chain. I watch as it hits the ground with a thud.  “Good job, dickhead,”  I chastise myself as I slump down on the bench. I’m trying to keep her at arm’s length, and all I’m doing is hurting her, which isn’t helping me because I still want her … badly. 

I fumble through my shit I’d laid out on the bench and find my phone. I decide to call the one man I know and trust to give me an honest opinion about what I should do.

“Hey, Cowboy. I need some help.”

~~~~~~

I end the call around midnight with a plan of what I need to do.  I roll over, fighting the urge to go to her tonight and make her see why I have to be this way with her, but I would only end up showing her how much I need her, and that isn’t going to help any of us.

Hollis

I roll over and blink my eyes. They feel like sandpaper.  I had finally fallen asleep around three, after crying myself sick.  I could hear Roman talking to someone ‘til midnight, and I just know he called Leah to tell her he was getting rid of me. I sit up in the bed and look around my room.  It’s a nice room, one I’d grown very fond of, even the ridiculous way it’s been decorated.  If given the chance, I’d had it all planned out as to how I would fix it up.  But that’s neither here nor there. I’m leaving and he’s more than happy to show me the door.

I hear him moving around upstairs and figure he’s getting ready for work, so as per our usual schedule, I’ll wait for him to leave before I venture out for some breakfast and coffee.

A knock at my door startles me.  I pull it open to a clean-shaven, wonderful smelling Roman, but he isn’t in his shop shirt.  Instead, he’s wearing a button up flannel and jeans with his boots.

“Pack your shit and let’s go,” he demands, then backs away from the door, heading back out into the house. 

I run after him, coming up short when he stops in the foyer.  “Where are we going?”

“A cabin we have up at the lake.  They know I’ll be gone for a few days, trying to figure out what to do with you.”  He heads for the steps up to his room, taking them two at a time.  “Now, Hollis.”  He throws back over his shoulder.

I scramble around and head back to my room, throwing the rags I call clothes, back into my tattered backpack.  Slinging it over my shoulder, I’m waiting for him when he bounds back down the steps with his pristine gym bag.  “Are you sure running is the right thing to do?”

“Hollis, it’s not running, it’s vacationing.”  I can hear the defeat in his voice but his face is hard to read, which I’ve always been able to do.  The past couple days he’s kept it hidden from me, just like he’s doing now.

He eyes me from head to toe, but never looks me in the eyes.  “You’ll need a jacket. It’s gotten cold outside.”

I rub my arms at the thought. I don’t know about outside, but it has definitely turned artic in here.  “I don’t have one.”

He huffs as he crosses over to a small closet tucked under the stairs.  He re-emerges holding a hoodie that he tosses to me.  “There, put that on.”  I hold it to my nose, smelling his cologne.  He clears his throat.  “Are you done?”

“Yes.”  I respond sheepishly, pulling it over my head, imaging it was him engulfing me in his arms.

~~~~~

Twenty minutes later we’re rolling out of town.  Roman had decided to take all backroads out. I’m not sure why, but the defeated girl in me knows.  I watch as we ride by all the old abandoned buildings that are tagged with spray paint of various colors.

We sit in silence and the ringing in my ears is driving me crazy.  “Are you going to stay with me or are you leaving?”  I chance a side glance over at him. He’s devastating handsome.  The morning sun is streaming through the window, caressing the shape of his strong square jaw, his straight nose, and the prominent intelligence of his brow. 

“No, I’ll stay with you for a few days, or just until I can figure out a way to get out from under this fucked up situation.” He never looks at me. Taking the hint, I train my eyes out my window, taking in the scenery flashing by in a blur.  I smile, hoping he can’t see my reflection. I know he’s staying out of desperation for himself, but I can’t help but think I’ll be alone with him.

I stay quiet for the rest of the drive up. His phone rings constantly, but he silences it every time and eventually, he turns it off, throwing it on the dash.  “Shit, they know I’m on the road.”  He pauses to look at me for the first time in the already hour-long trip.  

He can try and hide it all he wants, he isn’t doing this just for me.  He’s staying, hoping he can somehow reconcile the feelings he’s starting to have for me again with the hate he knows he should hold for me.

Maybe I should take a page from his book—do my own soul searching on this trip so I can finally realize I never deserved Roman. No matter how much I think I’ve changed, I was, nor will I ever be, good enough for him.  Although I have made peace with myself, I should’ve never expected him, or his family to.  I’ve done some bad things in my life, and most of them have ended up hurting Roman and the people he loves. 

I had so envied him with his big extended family that loved him so much.  I’d been left alone and with no one of character to guide me. I’d taken the life given to me by the horns and rode that bitch. She obviously didn’t have a great sense of direction.

I’d chosen wrong, and I’m going to have to live with that for the rest of my life.  My punishment, my penance … walking barefoot across broken glass, letting the sting of pain remind my soul I had thrown happiness away with both hands, then rolled him over and kicked him in the nuts.

Chapter Seven

Roman

When we pull up to the cabin, the pressure on my chest is almost to the point of suffocating.  I sit looking into the sun of the early fall afternoon as Hollis’ soft breaths of sleep fill the cage I’m trapped in.  She doesn’t stir as I unload the bags of groceries I had taken from the house. Then I round the truck to her side.  Opening the door for her, I gather her up against my chest, holding her tight.  I try not to jostle her too much on the way into the cabin.

I cradle her body to mine, absorbing her.  “Where are we going?”

“Inside.”   She sleeps as if she hasn’t slept in days, if not weeks.  I take her and lay her in the only bed in the cabin then I stand and look at her.  Why is it we’re always having a knife held to our throats and our feet to the fire?  I’m getting sick of this and plan to fix it, when and if I can. 

After settling her away into the one bedroom, I start a fire in the main room, hoping I can flesh out the reasons of why and how I’m going to handle her being back in my life.   I sit in the old rocker, studying the licking flames, holding my whiskey and searching for answers as to what the hell I need to do to get my ass out of this mess. There’s a place in the back of my mind, telling me that we could have a shot at the life I wanted for us. She does seem different, but the blaring voice keeps reminding me of what she’s done, just as it has been for the past week.

I’ve been trying to push her away, but I don’t have it in me to be mean, not even to her.  I’ve never been a cruel person. I can have a sharp tongue, but I always regret it later.  I know everyone is eaten up with hatred for her, as I should be, but I can’t explain why I feel mine has started to fall away to myself or anyone else.  Maybe while I’m up here I can figure it all out, because it’s all on me to do.

“Hey.”  Her soft, smooth voice from behind me draws my eyes away from the fire.

“Hey,”  I reply, not fully turning to see her. I know I’d lose more of my will, if not all of it.

I can hear her move; her soft footfalls echo off the wood walls of the cabin.  She comes to a stop behind me and the feel of her small hand and fingers running through my hair has my head leaning into her soft touch.  “Is there anything to eat here?”  she asks as she continues to stroke my head.

“We can’t do this.”

Hollis

“Then why did you bring me here? Why did you spare my life?  You could’ve put an end to it that morning in the bed.”  He stands and faces me, looking very uncomfortable with my question.  “Is that what they wanted, or was it all you?”

His silence makes me sick to my stomach and the sheen of guilt covering his face lets me know it was all him and his need to make things even in his head.  He takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly with the admission that nearly breaks me.  “It was me. They told me to cut you loose.”  He turns his back to me, the glow of the fire lining his frame, making thoughts I shouldn’t be having of my would-be assassin dance in my head.  “Just leave it, Hollis, and don’t think any more about it.”

Feeling the little bit of defiance that’s grown in me, I stand my ground.  “And why is that? Have you already deemed me not worthy, or you don’t want to look weak in the eyes of your brothers?”

“Yeah, Hollis, that’s it. I don’t want to look weak.”  He takes in a deep breaths, still refusing to look at me.  Taking matters into my own hands, I reach for his forearm, trying to spin him around to me.  But the difference in our sizes becomes evident when he doesn’t move and I slam into him.  He rights me, then just as quickly, he lets me go, diverting his eyes away from me again.

“Damn it, Roman. Talk to me, please?”  I move myself to where he has to look at me.  “That was something we never had a problem with.”

“No, we didn’t because we had all our discussions at the same time I was fucking the hell out of you, and it only required a yes or fuck no answer.”  He moves away to the tiny kitchen, leaving me alone again.  I can see he’s fighting it—fighting us. I can feel  it in the charge of the air.

“If you thought nothing of us, or me, then why are you here? Why did you spare me when you could’ve put everything in you to ease with the pull of that trigger?”  I’m fighting tears. I’m not sure what I’m crying for, but I know the dam is about to burst.

“You wanna know why I didn’t pull the trigger? You wanna fucking know why?”  He backs me into the fire.  I can feel the heat licking at my calves.

But not wanting to back down, I stick my chest out and against him, hoping that the contact will calm him. “Yes, tell me why.”

I watch with bated breath as he chews his words and thinks long and hard before he speaks.  Roman was never a cruel man, but I guess years can change a person into something a most intimate partner thought he never could be.

“I wanted it Hollis … I wanted it all with you.”  His haunted tone cuts my heart right in two.  “But you couldn’t see it. You wouldn’t slow down enough to let me give it to you.  Hell, you even tried to get my ass all twisted up in the shit you were living.”

I duck my eyes away, unable to look at him. The shame I feel for trying make a good man conform to my lifestyle is humiliating,  and now that I know his feelings for me were the only reason he tried it guts me.  “I never knew exactly how you felt, Roman.”

“Oh, don’t give me a shit story. You were a strung-out junkie.”

Not backing away from his true words, I square myself against him.  “Yes, I was, but you were the one who saw something in me, other than what I was projecting.”  And that faith he had in me was the fuel I needed for the past couple of years to stay clean; all in hopes I could be with him again someday, only clean and sober. I wanted to give him the real me.  “You’ve never known me, other than when I was on all that shit. Give me, the clean me, a chance.  I promise you won’t regret it, and I’ll make everything up to you and your brothers.”  I feel like I’m pleading for my life, and in all actuality, I am.  I can’t see another life, other than the one I want with him now.

He has yet to look at me and the anticipation of what he’s going to say is killing me.  “Roman?”  I whisper, hoping it will stem the tide of tears threatening to burst free at any minute.

He takes a breath and settles his big frame back down into the rocker he had been occupying before.  I kneel down between his knees, resting my arms on his thighs, letting the warmth my skin feels at just his jean clad touch filter through my body.  I look up at him, meeting his intense gaze. He’s finally looking at me.  “Please, give us a chance.  I know it’s putting you between me and the rest of your world and I‘m sorry.”  His silence is killing me, but no more than the pained look he has on his face.  “Roman?”  I prompt him again.

He rests his elbows on his thighs, cradling his face in his hands. The move forces me out from between his legs.  I lean in, taking his face from his hands and hold it with mine.  “Why couldn’t you have been this way six years ago?”

“I don’t know, but I’m like this now.”

“Yes you are, and I see in you what I wanted to see then, but…”

“No, no ‘buts.’” I interrupt him, shaking my head in defiance of his words.  “If there are two people in this world who deserve a happy ending, it should be us.”  He raises his eyebrows at me.  “Okay, but Cowboy and Emily are having their happy right now because of me and in spite of me.”

His eyes narrow. “I can’t fucking believe you. You are so self-centered.  That had best be the last time I hear you refer to what you did as some epic shit ever again.”

He stands abruptly, storming over to a cabinet as I chase after him. “Roman, I’m sorry. I just thought …”

“That’s the thing, Hollis. You don’t ever fucking think.  The next time you have a thought, let it go.”  He turns his attention to the bottle he’s pulled from the old cabinet.  “You want one, because we need to talk about some shit.”

“Yeah, sure. I think I might have several.” I try and joke with him, but he’s not having any of it.

“No, you’ll have one, then you and I are going to discuss your trip down the road to perdition.”

The tone of his voice doesn’t sit well with me, but I have no room to argue. I nod in agreement as he shoves the half full tumbler in my hand. “Hurry up.”  I down the liquid, feeling the burn as it cascades down my parched throat, landing as a pile of ash in my stomach.  Handing the empty glass back to him, my fingers graze his and I feel the heat between us scald my skin.

I jerk my hand back, holding it to my chest.  “Oh … okay, but why do I have the feeling that you’re going to be the one who’s doing all the talking?”

“Because it’s going to be a one sided conversation, where I talk and you listen.”  He pours both glasses half full again.

“I’m not sure how that’s going to be productive. I’m trying here too,”  the stern tone I use makes him raise an eyebrow.

“Do you think this is a fucking joke, Hollis, because it’s not?” 

“I know it’s not a damn joke, Roman. Do you hear me laughing? I was woken up a few mornings ago with a fucking gun pressed between my eyes.”  I feel the fire from the whiskey begin to burn again in my gut, giving me the confidence I long to have back.  “This is my life you’re talking about. Well, what’s left of it anyway, but it’s mine and I would like to have a say, regardless if you agree or not in what’s going to happen.”  I’m poking myself in the chest so hard I know I’ll have a bruise.

“You think I don’t know how serious this shit is?  I’ve lived with the carnage you left behind.  I think it’s you who isn’t getting it.”  His face has contorted into a mask of a man that I don’t recognize, but the fear of his wrath doesn’t deter me from the path I’ve started down with my outburst.

“Oh, I get it all right. I’ve been knee-deep in shit for years too.”

“By your own fucking choice. No one forced you to leave with him.”

“He did!”  My voice cuts through the air like a knife, making Roman wince.

We both stay silent for a moment as the information sinks in.  “What the fuck are you talking about?”  His tone has calmed a bit, but the fury still hangs on his face.

I pinch my lips together, wishing I knew when to shut my big fat mouth.  “Nevermind. So, how are we going to fix this?”  I gesture with my hand between us, hoping to change the subject.

“Fuck no. You tell me what you meant.”  He takes a step in my direction. “What did he make you do, Hollis?”  He’s lowered his voice to a slight whisper, but the deep baritone of his words rumble through my chest, turning me on like only Roman Jefferys can.

Knowing I’m cornered I fight to get the words out.  “He … he threatened to take your life if I didn’t do what he wanted me to do.”  I cast my eyes down out of shame and embarrassment.  “I didn’t know what he was going to do or who he was going to hurt.” 

“Hollis, look at me and tell me you didn’t know what he had in mind,” he asks.

A tear drops before I can stop it.  “I never wanted this—what happened to Emily.  I was a bitch, but you know me. I didn’t like them, but I never wanted anyone hurt. He never told me what he was going to do, just what he wanted.”  I look up into his sympathetic eyes.  “I thought I was protecting you. You were the only person I thought he would hurt and use against me if I didn’t do as he said.  I never thought he’d go as far as to hurt Emily and Cal that way.”  Hoping he can see the regret in my eyes, I keep them trained on his.

“His sister was Megan, who hated Emily. You knew that shit.” His voice echoes off the sparsely furnished cabin.

“Yes, I did, but all I was thinking about was the threat he would have one of ‘his men’ pay you a visit.” 

He drops his hand and sighs heavily. “Motherfucker. Is there anything else?”  He pours us both another drink.  Graciously taking mine, I quickly swallow the contents and push the glass over for another. He obliges.

I throw it back as well, the whole time feeling his gaze on me.  Realizing what he’s doing, he clears his throat and takes a few steps back, putting space between us. “I had nothing to do with them taking Caden. That was all Megan.  Emily came back and Megan went crazy with jealousy.  Taking Caden was the only way she knew she could hurt them both.”  I pause, giving him a chance to ask me anything, but he doesn’t, so I continue.  “Markus had moved me there about a week before he went for you all, removing all the phones and TVs, then he brought his men in. I knew in order to get Caden, he would have to kill you all, and when he walked through the door, I thought he had.”

Roman

I stand here, listening in utter shock.  I’m finding it hard to keep the disgust from showing on my face.  This woman is nothing like what I’d thought her to be, but I can’t be sure she’s telling me the truth, or if this is just another smoke screen to defer attention from the severity that her actions caused.  She continues to talk and I catch a few things here and there, but it all boils down to the fact she was the one who hid Caden away from the shitstorm her mother created around her. 

I shake my head free of the doubts and focus back on her words.  “But there was this time, not long before Megan’s death, that she hit Caden.”  She stops at my expression. 

Her words have erased any amused thoughts.  “She did what? Hit her how?”  This statement has me almost happy I was the one who had put her six feet under.

Hollis looks uncomfortable.  “She slapped her.  Caden is a child and Megan obviously is too—I mean, she was.”  She quickly corrects herself. “She didn’t have the patience needed to tolerate a child, much less raise one.”  Her smile is soft as she speaks of Caden.  “Caden had been painting on the kitchen table and spilled her water cup. It was no big deal, really.  I rushed to help her clean it up and I think Megan got pissed that we were having such a good time together.”  A smile hits her eyes, making them twinkle, and for a short second I see it, I see her—the girl I’ve loved in my memories all these years.  “And before I knew it, she jerked Caden up by the arm and slapped her across the face.”