Hold My Hand (4 page)

“
You are perfection.”
William took my hand in his, stroking my inner wrist with his
thumb. It was soothing and I allowed myself to lean towards him.
Our lips so close, our breath mingled. His nose brushed along my
cheek and I heard him take in a deep breath. I shuddered at the
realization that he was breathing me in.

For the longest time, we
were both silent. I was frozen in place, deliberately still as
William’s presence, the gentle brush of long fingers along my
shoulders and neck paralyzed me. With my eyes cast down, I watched
from the corners of my eyes as his fingers stroked my skin. Each
touch left me tingling, a heat drawing to the surface of my
body.

“
Aubrey, my sweet
girl, you are perfect and you’re so naïvely unaware.”

I felt his smile
against my cheek and shivered, “William, I don’t know what to
do.”

“
Simply feel. This is
the wonderful part in all of what I want to give to you. You need
only feel everything with that heart of yours.” His hand moved
lower to rest above the beating of my heart. I was near certain it
would leap from my chest at any moment but there was no fear
because I was also certain William would catch it.

“
I’ve watched your
gentle spirit for months now.” William’s lips brushed along my ear
so that I felt his words more than heard them. “Your heart is as
beautiful as your body. I want only to nurture that, to allow you
to embrace every emotion as vividly as I know you crave. I’ve
noticed the books you read on your breaks –I see the deep romantic
you are at heart– and this is what I plan to give to
you.”

His pause was longer this
time as his hand stroked lower to massage my breast before running
it along my side and resting on my hip. His other hand came to the
side of my face, cupping my cheek and forcing my chin up. His gaze
so intense, my body betrayed me with a blush. “Yes, you’ll fit so
perfectly into my world.”

I swallowed down my
insecurity and cleared my throat, “Y-Your world of dominance and
submission?”

“That, yes, but I’ve told
you it’s more than just that. I see you in my life, Aubrey.”

“
We’ll date? Real
dates?” I forced myself to ask though I was feeling so incredibly
uncertain and awkward.
No one will ever want a fat, ugly girl.
I heard my father’s words in my mind but still, I
needed to know what William intended. Though it hardly mattered
because I’d likely take whatever he had to offer me. William had
ensnared me in his net and I had no desire to get free.

“Yes. We’ll date at first.”
He chuckled and his eyes fired bright for a moment before he
regained his composure, “And I suspect we’ll move quickly on from
there. I want it all, Aubrey. I want to see you in my home, by my
side, in my bed.”

“In your home,” I repeated
this phrase, stuck on its meaning, “to – to live with you?” My
palms turned sweaty, I was certain my entire coloring blanched. I
straightened my back against the chair so William could no longer
reach me. This was all happening very fast.

“No, sweet Aubrey, don’t
pull away. Don’t fear us,” he shook his head, “it’ll all happen at
a pace you set. I just sense we’re right for one another. You’ll be
ready over time. I’m convinced of it.” William paused to pull me
back towards him. “In fact, you assured me of this when you agreed
to see me. All else will fall into place.” His words stopped any
residual fear I might’ve held. I could feel his confidence and
allowed it to fill me. The fear faded and in its place, a feeling
of safety filled me. He made it all sound so simple.

William pushed his chair
away from the table to stand and then offered his hand. I didn’t
hesitate before placing my hand in his.

*****

When he seated me on the
edge of the chair nearest the fireplace and began to stoke the
embers of the fire, I kept my eyes cast down. He made me nervous,
those same nerves I felt once living under my father’s roof. No, I
reminded myself again, not those nerves exactly. William told me I
was beautiful so I know it’s not the same. He was nothing like my
father though that tension –the tiny feeling of inadequacy I can’t
quite shake- was so similar; I shied away from his gaze. Yet at the
same time I craved William, his presence completely overwhelmed
me.

He moved behind me, seated
himself with his legs on either side of my body and pulled me down
to him. My back to his front. My heat to his heat. My body to his
body. I shivered, wanting nothing more than to be what he wanted me
to be. I assured myself my desire to please was different this
time. I was already pleasing William. He told me as much and I
believed him. After all, I had to believe in something.

His fingers on my shoulders
distracted me. “You’re so tense, sweet Aubrey. Won’t you just relax
in my arms tonight?”

“I’ll try. I don’t relax
often.”

“
No, Aubrey. Your
answer to me is
yes,
sir
.”

“Yes sir,” the whisper
floated from my lips on a sigh. It was such a certain response, it
left no room for me to fail or disappoint. I found comfort in the
statement and relaxed into his body.

“Good. Well done.” His
affirmation bolstered my confidence. I’ve not received many
compliments that I can recall and it felt nice. I couldn’t help but
smile while the pride at such a simple act made my chest feel
tight.

William aligned his body
against mine so that I could feel him as part of myself. Then I
realized he could feel every inch of me against him. He could feel
my imperfections. I tensed, wondering what he’d think of me when he
got a closer look. I was no longer overweight but now I was slight
and never held any real beauty. When he realized this, my time with
him will most likely end.

He molded my shoulders
and back with his strong fingers. “Relax into me and let me take
care of you,” William tickled my neck with his words and a tiny
shiver ran along my spine.

“I thought it would be the
other way around.”

I felt his laugh
against my neck. “You think too much. Time for thinking is over.
Now simply trust in me to take care of you.”

His warmth enveloped me. I
was caught in him, absolutely ensnared by all that he was. I
shivered as his words –his heated breath- brushed down along my
spine. They invoked a frisson of awareness in me that built my need
for him, my desire. Though there was still the rational part of me
screaming that what I desired was so possibly wrong, I couldn’t
resist him. Why would I want this man I hardly knew to command me?
I couldn’t deny he created this desire within me, a craving for his
guidance and domination. I craved the simplicity of only needing to
follow.

“Did you read through the
documents in the folder Baylor gave you when you arrived?"

"Yes," I answered. I felt a
slight pinch to my shoulders and I rephrased, “yes sir.”

“I’d hoped they would give
you a better knowledge of my lifestyle, of my expectations of a
relationship. I wanted to be clear on the requirements.”

“
They were
instructional.” I chose my words carefully because I found myself
again in unchartered waters, that feeling of drowning beginning to
take hold again as I navigated this new world of William’s
Dominance and submission.

"And you still agree to my
proposal?" His hands paused from massaging my shoulders and waited
for me to answer.

"Yes sir," I answered.

"You'll submit to the
background check, blood work, and physical grooming?" These were
all detailed in the forms I’d read through. Nothing shocked me. In
fact, they made me feel oddly protected. All of these were required
if I was to become his submissive. In addition, all his records
were included for me to review. He had thought of everything –
already caring for me.

“Yes sir.” I smiled as my
thoughts strayed to how lucky I was that William had found me.
Perhaps my father wasn’t right in his prediction of my unfortunate
future. I shook the thought away, unwilling to hope for too
much.

“Birth control – you will
agree to the shot?”

“Yes sir; but won’t we date
first before that’s necessary? I mean, we won’t have sex right
away, will we?”

“
I find myself very
attracted to you. I consider watching you all these months in the
coffee shop our foreplay,” William’s voice grew deeper, “so, yes. I
plan to take you to my bed just as soon as I can.”

I wasn’t sure what to say or
how to respond. I knew I should be embarrassed by this
conversation, which I was but only just a bit. I should’ve been
outraged he wanted to have sex so soon but I couldn’t help feeling
desired instead. Nothing was as I thought it’d be but then again, I
never imagined meeting William.

“And why the shot? We won’t
use condoms?”

“
That’s what all this
is for, sweet Aubrey. Once we’ve confirmed the tests and your shot
is effective, we’ll have no need. There will be no barriers between
us.”

The ultimate intimacy, I
thought. Was I ready for a relationship with no barriers? There’ll
be no hiding, no way for me to keep part of myself separate and
safe. I knew he was talking about condoms but his hidden meaning
wasn’t lost on me.

When I said nothing, William
asked, “What else do you want to know?”

I remained silent, not sure
what to ask. I wasn’t sure what I needed to know. Maybe the unknown
was safer for now.

William stroked his hands
lower, massaging just at the edge of my breasts and nearing a place
where I was ready to ask for more – though more of what I wasn’t
clear. "You understand that all these requirements are necessary.
They’re for your benefit. They give you a clear understanding of
how our relationship will work. But know our dynamic may change
over time. I’ll be open to change as you grow."

I had no idea his proposal
would have so much detail. The rules seemed obvious though and the
requirements were reasonable. I was expected to be honest,
respectful and safe. If I were being perfectly honest with myself,
I’d admit to feeling cherished under the rules in the agreement. I
wondered though if it were possible to feel nervous, scared and
overwhelmed at the same time.

“Let’s talk about our
limits. I plan to answer all your questions tonight before anything
more intimate happens between us.” I tried to focus on his words
but the soft stroking of his fingers on the underneath of my breast
was distracting. “Aubrey, does this sound good?”

I considered this. There’s
so much unknown. Nevertheless, did I want to discuss this? Could I
talk about the pictures I’d seen on-line? I hoped the images
weren’t necessarily what William had in mind for us. Now to discuss
them, the reality slapped me in the face. I couldn’t look the other
way. I’d face the future head on.

“Yes sir.”

“Good. You’re so brave, my
sweet Aubrey, so willing to trust me. I’ll need this trust as I
train you.” I didn’t feel brave but I was happy William believed
this about me.

“T - Train me?” I could
hardly get the words out. My heart was suddenly thundering at the
mention of training. My head was spinning at such a formal term. I
was not a puppy to be trained. I was not a soldier. What could he
mean by training? I held my breath as I waited for his
response.

“I’ll train you, sexual
training if you will, in the ways of submission. Once I’m finished,
there’s no doubt in my mind you’ll be able to satisfy me in all
ways. And through my satisfaction, you’ll found your own.”

“It sounds so simple but
on-line… the pictures… the things I read…” I rambled, not sure even
what I meant to say.

“Tell me about the things
you saw on-line. I can assure you many of those pictures are far
from our reality.” His voice remained calm, gentle, soft. It eased
my anxiety some as I felt his steady heartbeat against my back.

Then, without any filtering,
I blurted it all out before I could think on it and stop myself.
“Whips, chains, these awful leather harnesses and people crawling
on leashes…” I could’ve gone on but I paused there when I felt the
pressure of his hands squeezing my shoulders.

“Aubrey, sweet Aubrey, these
instruments,” William sighed, “they’re the extreme. There are so
many types in this lifestyle but mine –ours now- was fairly simple
in comparison to what I imagine you saw on-line. I was right to
worry you’d research the term submission on-line and found these
things.”

I flushed when I
thought back to some of those photos.

William continued,
“Will I want to restrain you? Yes. I use rope for that, deliciously
soft rope. And then, only for our pleasure. Will I want to color
your skin? Yes, but I’d want to feel your flesh against my own.
There’s nothing that would convince me to forfeit that touch.”
William stroked the bare skin of my shoulders and arms as I laid
against him listening to his reassurances.

“B - But the punishment?” I
had to ask the question because it was all I could think of.

“So eager to be naughty, are
you, Aubrey?” He sighed but chuckled in the same breath. “Let’s
talk of the play and pleasure for now. You’re wondrously innocent
and I look forward to awakening you.”

I sucked in my breath and
held it. Awakening me? What could he mean and was it something I
could handle? I was out of my element and the fear that I couldn’t
please him roared from inside of me. I moved to sit up but his hold
strengthened and he pulled me tight against him.

“Breathe, sweet Aubrey, just
breathe. Here’s my promise to you. I’ll do nothing to belittle you,
degrade you. I don’t believe in humiliation – no leashes, no
harnesses. I enjoy the lighter edge. And,” he paused as if
considering his next words carefully, “mostly I enjoy the control,
the dominance while you enjoy the submission. In some circles, I
would be considered simply the head of the household taking his
female in hand. Perhaps this description feels better to you than
the Dominance and submission.”