“Which I wanted more. To love you or be loved by you.” She caught Diana’s hand, turned slightly on her side and pulled Diana to her. “I missed you. I didn’t even know how much until now.” She pulled Diana tight against her, slid her arm around to hold her there, slid one leg between Diana’s.
“Hard decisions,” Diana commented. She was content to be held as long as she could hold Jessie too. “Are you sure you made the right one?” Jessie drew back to look at her in surprise. “I mean,” Diana said idly as she traced her finger over Jessie’s shoulder. “We could do a replay, and see if it still works.”
Jessie looked amused. In so many ways the years apart just disappeared. “Is this like testing the theories?”
“Well, yes,” Diana admitted. “If you’re interested.”
Jessie moved to put Diana on her back. “I think I could be.” She straddled Diana, low enough to pin her legs down. “But I have an issue with you first. And I need to say it now because if I don’t, I’ll stew about it and then we’ll have a fight at some point in the future.”
Diana frowned as Jessie caught her wrists and pinned her down. She felt the flash of anger in her belly, she narrowed her eyes.
Might have known it was just a ruse.
“What?” she demanded coldly. She looked up at Jessie and Jessie looked entirely too amused, as if she knew exactly what Diana was thinking. Then Jessie’s expression softened and she bent down to kiss Diana, kissed her until Diana responded and kissed her back. “What issue?” Diana repeated in a calmer tone.
She did say in the future, so it can’t be a deal breaker.
Jessie looked down into Diana’s face as she shook her head. “Still like to be in charge, don’t you, Diana?”
Diana didn’t move, forced herself to relax.
This is Jessie,
she reminded herself. “I guess so.”
“I don’t appreciate decisions being made for me,” Jessie said quietly as she leaned over Diana. “Especially when they have a major impact on my life.”
“I don’t know what one you’re referring to.”
Or rather which one. God, there were so many I made. It wasn’t like there was time for a consultation.
“Any of them. But maybe especially when you came to Lexington and I told you about Julie. Why didn’t you tell me about your ‘opportunity’?”
Diana drew back into the bedding in surprise. Of all decisions, she wasn’t expecting that one. “I told you,” she protested. “Before, out there in the living room. You even said they were good reasons.”
“No,” Jessie corrected. “You told me why
you
decided. And I agreed they were good reasons for
you
. You. I want to know why you didn’t tell
me
.”
Diana frowned in puzzlement, so Jessie tried again.
“If you wanted to be with me, and I was that important to you, why didn’t you ask me? Why couldn’t you let me decide whether or not to take the risk?” She leaned over above Diana as Diana looked up defiantly. “I wasn’t some naïve little civilian. I would have known what the risk was. I would have even been able to help.”
Diana’s defiance faltered, suddenly uncomfortable under Jessie’s gaze. She could have, maybe she should have, but she hadn’t.
“Why didn’t you trust me enough to ask?”
“I was afraid,” Diana admitted in a low voice, and to her chagrin, she felt tears form and threaten to spill out.
“Of me? Of what I might do?” Jessie released Diana and sat back. She stared down at Diana with a puzzled expression. “Come on, Diana. Tell me.”
“I wasn’t sure you’d want to have anything to do with me when you learned about my family.”
Cops and robbers. Will the handsome sexy detective lower herself to deal with the product of a family such as mine? “
And then when you told me Julie was back and still interested, I didn’t figure I had a chance. You loved her. She was beautiful; she was smart, a professional woman. And there had to be a big ego boost of having someone who wouldn’t come through for you before now coming to you and saying she’d made a mistake.” She turned back to Jessie. “What did I have for you?”
“Ohhh, Diana.” Jessie got off Diana and stretched out beside her, took Diana in her arms. “If only you had told me.” She bent down and kissed Diana, stroked her face in reassurance.
“What would you have done?”
Jessie thought about it. “I don’t know.” She gazed off past Diana to the plain apartment white wall. “Trying to reassess your life if you had made a different decision is always iffy,” she said, delaying an answer. “There are so many twists and turns.” She looked down at the woman in her arms. “I might have had to leave the force but then I wouldn’t have gotten shot. I might have stayed in and then you wouldn’t have been there to save me. I might have been frozen out because of you or just been a cop on the beat assigned to harmless duties which would have been just as bad.” She brushed back Diana’s hair. “That’s not the point. You made a decision for me, about me. You didn’t trust me.”
Diana opened her mouth to protest and then said nothing. She couldn’t argue. Whether it was her fear or her own insecurity, she hadn’t trusted Jessie. “I’m sorry,” she said finally. “I wanted to protect you and I wanted to protect myself. Maybe not in that order.” Her eyes clouded. “I couldn’t have stood then for you to look at me the way you looked at me at the cabin when you found out who Papa was.”
“You did a good job handling it then.”
Diana looked back. “Let’s face it. I wasn’t handing you my heart, I was handing you your life. And I’d had a few years to build up some armor, get tougher. I had more choices.”
“And I came around,” Jessie pointed out.
“Yes.” Diana nodded and she looked up at Jessie. “I underestimated you.” She shrugged. “Or overestimated myself.”
“A failing of most individuals from criminal families.”
Diana jerked and then caught the look of amusement in Jessie’s eyes. “Sounds like a cop,” Diana shot back, but this time she wasn’t angry.
“Occupational hazard.” Jessie brought up Diana’s hand, kissed the palm, watching Diana with a speculative gaze. “Habits die hard.”
“Probably on both sides,” Diana warned.
Jessie nodded agreement. “But if we’re in this together, we make decisions
together
.” It was not a question. “We talk things over. We don’t make assumptions.”
Diana nodded carefully. “We can do that.”
“We
will
do that.”
Diana nodded in agreement. Jessie gave her a warning look.
“I suspect,” Jessie said, carefully picking her words, “there will be things you won’t want to share with me.”
Diana felt herself withdraw in response. She could see it coming.
“I can accept that,” Jessie went on to Diana’s relief. “I’m afraid that’s simply going to be the fact of our lives.” She paused then went on. “Just don’t lie to me. I can deal with anything, but not that.”
Diana examined Jessie’s troubled gaze. Such a simple statement. “As long as you can accept it when I tell you I
can’t
tell you.” Then she held her breath as Jessie considered.
Jessie finally nodded. “I guess I can deal with that. You’ve certainly demonstrated you would go above and beyond your safety to protect me.”
Diana breathed a sigh of relief.
“It isn’t going to be easy, is it?” Jessie asked softly.
“No. But after all we’ve been through, I think we can manage.”
***
Hours later when they ran out of things to say, laying on the love-seat together, the remnants of the pizza from the night before on the coffee table along with the empty wine carafe and the two almost empty glasses, Jessie and Diana laid comfortably, more or less, in the crowded space.
“I’m sorry I called you a coward last night,” Diana said slowly.
Jessie sighed. “You may have been right,” she admitted reluctantly. “There were a good many times I would have rather faced a drugged-out perp with a gun than talk about my emotions. I didn’t search out Julie when I could have. And I didn’t look for another relationship. I thought anyone else would see me the same way Julie did, they would rank somewhere behind my family and then the job. I built walls for protection so I wouldn’t get hurt again.” She slid her arm around Diana more. “It didn’t work.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Learning,” Jessie said. “Can I ask?” and then she went on. “When I told you Julie came back, did you really think you had nothing to offer?”
Diana turned away and reached for her almost empty glass. “Like I said, what did I have for you?” She examined the few drops rather than look at Jessie. “Besides, you had held onto Julie for so long, I was afraid if we did get together, Julie would always be there in the background. Every time we had difficulties, you would wonder if you could have made it with her. I couldn’t have stood that.” She set the glass back on the table and looked at Jessie. “So I thought you needed that chance with Julie, even if it failed.”
Even if I lost you.
Jessie raised up to look at Diana. “Have you been talking to my therapist? She said the same thing. I needed to try and the relationship needed to fail in order for me to let it go completely.”
“Were you able to?”
Jessie lay back down. “Pretty much. We were working at being friends, and then we got thrown together at the cabin.”
“That should have either drawn you together more in mutual support or torn you apart.” Diana had a sudden thought. “Did she blame you? I mean, if it weren’t for her connection to you, she never would have been there.”
Jessie reached over for the wineglass. “Sorta kinda, and then not really. It wasn’t anything I did; but it was still because of me. She doesn’t hold it against me, but we’re not exactly bosom buddies anymore. She had a lot of aftereffects so when the opportunity came to staff the clinic in Cincinnati, she took it.” She drank the last few drops and set the glass back down as the desk clock chimed midnight.
“This is nice,” Jessie said slowly, without moving. “We’ve never been able to do this before.”
“No. We were always too rushed. Things to do, places to go.” Diana ran her fingers through Jessie’s hair. “Speaking of,” she said slowly. “I’ve got a party to go to tomorrow. Want to come along?”
“What kind of party?” Jessie still didn’t move so Diana guessed she was either too comfortable to move or didn’t dare because one of them would fall off the couch.
“Casual thing, backyard barbeque.”
“Sounds fine. Who’s going to be there?”
“Bunch of friends. General mix. Most of us go to basketball games during the winter, sorta get dispersed during the summer. I don’t know who all are going to be there so I can’t really tell you. You’ll probably fit right in.”
“They know about you?” Jessie asked casually. “Just so I don’t put my foot in my mouth. You know, innocent questions come up, like how we met?”
Diana thought about it. “More or less. I assume anyone who knows me knows what’s on the Internet, past history. It was a big deal when I first came to town and started meeting people. A few were paranoid when it became obvious I was being tailed all the time. Didn’t want the guilt by association. Then it settled down. Occasionally when someone new enters the group it flairs up again. Sometimes I forget and tell stories and get halfway through before I realize I need to change details.” She took a breath. “For the most part, I’ve tried not to hide anything. I lived a double life for a long time. When I came here, I told myself I wasn’t going to do that anymore.” She shrugged. “There’s a big mixture in the group. Our only common thing is we’re all dykes. There’s a reporter who may or may not show up. There’s a city cop.” She frowned. “And Brenda works for the county sheriff’s department.”
Jessie made movements to get up and suddenly stopped. She looked down into Diana’s face, her eyes narrowing. “Is this going to be a statement, you taking me to a party with all your friends?”
Diana hadn’t considered it in that light but as she thought of her friends, her past, her present and now maybe her future. “Sorta kinda,” she admitted. “Can you handle that?”
Jessie grinned, a pleased, knowing grin. “Oh, I think I can manage.” She gave Diana a quick kiss. “And just what time might this shindig be?”
Diana had her own pleasant feeling. “Starts about eleven and will go most of the day. She staggers the crowd so not everyone comes at once.”
Jessie stiffly got to her feet, stretching. She looked around and finally looked at her watch. “It’s after midnight.”
“I know. I like the nighttime hours, they’re quiet.”
“If that party starts at eleven, I need to get going back to the motel.” She gave Diana a hand to pull her up to her feet.
Diana slid her arms around Jessie’s waist, rested her head on Jessie’s shoulder. “I don’t want you to go. I don’t want this feeling to end.”
Jessie stroked Diana’s hair. “I don’t want to go either but are you sure?”
“I know I want to crawl into bed with you, curl up against you. I want to wake up with you in the morning.” She sighed, a comfortable, contented sigh. “We could swing by the motel in the morning for different clothes.” She pulled back from Jessie. “Unless, of course, you still have the habit of having a change in the car with you at all times.”
Jessie laughed. “As a matter of fact…” They both laughed and then sobered. So many things had changed and yet nothing had.
Jessie looked into Diana’s eyes, stroked her face. “Are you sure? If I go out and get my clothes, you’re not going to change your mind and lock me out, are you?”
Diana shook her head. “No. I promise. I’ll be standing at the door, waiting for you to come back.”
And she was, greeting Jessie with a kiss. “I missed you,” Diana murmured as she pulled her in the door and closed out the world.
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