Marriage Illustrated with Crappy Pictures (3 page)

I’ll just use chicken wire and two-by-fours.

He says “You can’t” on purpose. He knows this will guarantee that I’ll build a fence. This means he won’t have to.

And I fall for it every time.

CREDIT THE SOURCE, OR ARE YOU LISTENING?

I don’t like having my content stolen.

We are having a conversation and trying to figure something out.

I suggest a theory, he suggests a theory. And so on . . .

We continue going back and forth for several minutes.

Then he announces:

He says it all proudly. Just look at how smart he is. What he “just thought of” was exactly what I said five minutes ago.

But he will not give me credit and admit that I had just said the same thing.

This is the worst kind of theft. Or maybe he is just not listening.

For example, he does something similar with news.

I tell him something exciting and then several days later:

Yep. Not listening.

PET PEEVES

While Crappy Husband has three pet peeves, I have only one. My pet peeve is that he has three pet peeves. Stupid ones.

First, he thinks I should point the showerhead toward the wall before I get out so that it doesn’t spray him in the face when he turns the water on.

I think he should just point the showerhead toward the wall before he turns the water on.

Second, he thinks the small spoons need to be in a separate compartment from the big spoons.

I think that the big and small spoons can get along.

And third, he thinks I should splash water around after brushing my teeth so I don’t leave globs of toothpaste in the sink.

I think he should remember that I’m the one who usually cleans the bathroom. The one who cleans it can dirty it. I’m sure this is written in our household bylaws somewhere.

MARRIAGE IS SHARING

Marriage is all about sharing.

With one exception. Food.

I’m not territorial over food in general. Just ice cream.

He now knows that pints are a single serving.

LISTEN, DON’T FIX

I like to solve problems. I’ve never been a natural at listening to someone complain while nodding my head in empathy. I’d much prefer to brainstorm ways to fix the damn problem and then move on to eating brownies or something else worth doing. Crappy Husband feels the same way.

However, I admit that sometimes I need to vent and just be listened to.