Read Marriage Illustrated with Crappy Pictures Online
Authors: Amber Dusick
Marriage Illustrated with Crappy Pictures (4 page)
When this happens, I have to make it very clear to Crappy Husband in order to avoid one of those classic “You’re not listening to me!” fights.
Once I’m done, the brownie-eating can commence and everybody will be happy again.
IT’S NEVER HIS FAULT
Crappy Husband doesn’t like to admit fault. Even when something is so clearly his fault.
For example, one night he drove to the market to pick up a few things.
The next morning, I discover that the car battery is dead. The interior car light had been left on all night.
Obviously, it wasn’t me. I hadn’t used the car at all the day before. He was the last one to drive the car when he went to the market after dinner.
I come back inside and say that he left the car light on all night and now the battery is dead. I’m not mad or anything. I’m simply telling him because now we need to jump-start the car.
But he won’t admit it! He won’t admit making a mistake! Even though we both know that it was him! Instead he just plays dumb and says he doesn’t know who it was.
Finally, I say:
Fair enough. It clearly wasn’t him. My apologies.
CHAPTER
VERSUS
WIFE
Before I got married I always scoffed at traditional husband versus wife stereotypes. We’d never be like that. We were modern, intelligent and educated! We were equals! Equal doesn’t mean the same. And wow, are we different.
It isn’t our fault. Let’s blame our ancestors instead. Early men hunted animals and now modern men enjoy stupid shit like sports. Early women were busy searching for berries and now modern women enjoy stupid shit like shopping at Target.
Modern men can’t find anything in the refrigerator because their ancestors never lifted up branches to find ripe raspberries. Modern women can’t find their way back to their car in a parking structure because their ancestors never wandered through forests looking for wild boar.
We can’t help it.
RUNNING ERRANDS
This is how I pick out dish soap:
I smell them. I look at the ingredients. I compare prices. I contrast the color of the soap with the walls of our kitchen.
And this is how he picks out dish soap:
He texts me to ask what soap he should get.
EMAIL COMMUNICATION
This is an example of one of my emails to him:
I can write pages about my feelings regarding our New Year’s Eve plans: what I think we should do and why; recalling plans of years past; pros and cons of potential plans, etc.
And this is an example of one of his email replies:
MAKING NEW FRIENDS
When we go to a party together we have vastly different experiences and goals. He can make friends at parties. I can’t.
This is how I make a friend:
It takes years of conversations where we are essentially interviewing each other for the starring role of friend.
We also must learn each other’s life histories.
And this is how he makes a friend:
He can do this in a matter of minutes. Or seconds, if beer is involved.
VALUING EACH OTHER’S OPINIONS
Sometimes I ask him his opinion on shoes or purses or something.
He always gives the wrong answer.
And sometimes he asks me my opinion on measurements or math or something.
I always give the wrong answer too.
FINDING THINGS
This is how he looks for something:
He stands there and calls for help. If he is really desperate, he might actually tilt his head to view the area from a different angle. But not usually.
And this is how I look for something:
I find it.
SICKNESS
This is how I act when I have a cold:
Normal life only with more tissues.
This is how he acts when he has a cold:
He has the sniffles. The world must stop.
THE LAUNDRY BASKET
This is what I do with dirty clothes:
