Secrets in the Lyrics (2 page)

Twenty-One Years Old

             
I have gotten used to blocking out Chad’s yelling at me.  “Don’t fucking think for
a second that I don’t know that you are fucking one, if not all three, of those guys
in your band.”

             
I shake my head.  “Shut the fuck up, Chad.  I’m not fucking anyone in my band.”

             
He’s never understood that those guys pulled me from the depths of Hell.  One of the
worst places I was in my pathetic existence, I was headed straight to a drug overdose
or being homeless.  When Stoney let me move in, I got clean and went to work and came
home every day.  I have to make this relationship work though.  I can’t keep running
back to Stoney’s place every time I break up with someone.  I feel like I’m an inside
joke.

             
What Chad doesn’t get is I’m not those guys’ type and they don’t see me that way. 
They see a girl with great bass skills and a set of pipes.  Keeg and Stoney see me
as a little sister they have to protect.  Gable has a great little sister, so he doesn’t
see me as that.  He sees me as a chunky chick side kick. 

             
Look, I know I’m not that fat.  I have curves and I’m solid through the middle.  I’ve
never been one to have my shit hanging out for the world to see, so I’m normally wearing
clothes that are a little big for me.  Plus, on stage I dress in my Converses, t-shirts
and jeans.  I’m not a fem-bot and I refuse to have my goods just hanging out.  The
girls that he takes back from the concerts are thin rails.  Blonde little bimbos with
their tits and ass hanging out of their clothes. 

             
“Hey Ivie, are you fucking listening to me?”

             
Shit, I spaced out on him again, he’s going to be pissed.  “Sorry,” was all I manage
to get out before he spins me around and slaps my ass.

             
He’s pushed me into our bedroom and I know where this is leading.  He likes to pick
a fight and then fuck the ever living shit out of me.  Normally I’m okay with that,
but the last time he choked me until I almost passed out.  It really kinda scared
me.  I’m pretty sure he’s on something or roided out because paranoia and anger have
taken over most of his life. At first I pushed it off as being a cop and always having
to watch out.  Now, I just try to get through the days.

             
As I expect, he shoves me on the bed.  “Is this how you imagine those dumbasses taking
you?”

             
“Just stop.”

             
“No.  You are mine, Ivie.  Do you understand that?”  Suddenly he has my hands over
my head.  He snaps handcuffs around them.  I start to panic realizing that I’m cuffed
to the bed.

             
“Chad, I’m not okay with this.  Un-cuff me.”

             
“No, it’s time you learned some lessons.  You do as I say, I let you live in my home.” 
He rips my shirt open and cuts my bra off.  He continues by snatching my shorts and
panties down.  He looks at my now naked body and laughs.  “I shouldn’t be worried,
though.  Those guys don’t normally go for fatties like you.”  He runs his hand up
my chest.  “You know that, don’t you?  I’m the only one who could care for you like
that.  Those guys will never want you.  They like pretty little girls, like trophies. 
I’m the only person who feels sorry enough for you that I’d be seen with you.”

That remark hurts and I just stop arguing back, letting him do whatever he wants. 
Spacing out always helps me get through it. 

Besides, he’s right.  I always say that I know I’m not fat, but the truth is I may
not be obese, but compared to other girls, I’m fat.  Not to mention what girl of your
dreams plays bass in a band?  That’s my talent.  I should’ve not let my father and
aunt get in my head.  I should’ve kept my ass at school, doing what I’d done my entire
life, excelling, and I could be in medical school now.

Instead, here I am hand cuffed to a bed, letting some little prick bastard fuck me,
like a drunk teen on Spring Break.

He pops the side of my face.  “Pay attention, Ivie.  Get into it or I swear I’ll leave
you here cuffed to this fucking bed for a day or two.”

I guess he has trouble concentrating without me so I give it my best fake.  I act
like what his over-compensating ass is doing turns me on. “Good girl, now call out
my name.”  He pinches one of my nipples.  “I said scream my fucking name, Ivie.” 
I do and he finally finishes.  He leans down and kisses me.  “Good girl.”  Then he
stands up, throwing the condom in the garbage.

“Chad, aren’t you forgetting something?” I jiggle my hands in the cuffs.

“Oh no.  I’m coming back after I catch my breath.  We are going several rounds today. 
When I let you go to your little band practice in the morning, I want you to be sore
and thinking of me.”

~*~*~

The alarm is going off.  I try to reach and turn it off but my hands are still in
the handcuffs. I kick Chad.  “Wake up.  I can’t turn the alarm off.  Get these damn
cuffs off me, the joke is over.”

He chuckles as he turns off the alarm.  When he reaches to undo the cuffs, he looks
at me.  “This was no joke, baby. It was a reminder that you are mine.  I can do whatever
I want to you.  I am the law.”

A few minutes later, I’m standing in the shower and he was right.  I’ll be thinking
about him all day.  Thinking about how much I hate him, thinking about how to explain
the bruising around my wrists.  Thinking about how I’m fucking raw because of how
much he fucked me.

Getting out, I make my way to the room and dress for practice.

Walking into Keeg’s house, the guys stare at me.  I stop and stare.  “What?”

Stoney chuckles.  “You look like shit, that’s what.”  He flails his hands around,
making fun of my bitchiness.

I walk over to get my bass out of the case.  “Just had a long night.”

I’m reaching for some notes I made about a song when Keeg grabs my arm.  “What in
the hell happened to your wrists?”

I look down to see that I do have bruises forming now.  “It’s nothing.”

I try to play it off.  I can’t appear weak to these guys.  I’m already the relationship
fuck up, they can’t see that I let someone chain me to a fucking bed all night against
my will.

Stoney looks down at them.  “Nothing?”

Gable steps over.  “What do you mean nothing?  Did someone hurt you?”

I can tell they aren’t going to stop.  “Look, I don’t ask you guys about your kinky
sex lives, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t ask about mine.”

That makes them go away finally.  Nothing like the girl you consider your sister grossing
you out with kinky sex.  Gable just stares at me, almost as if he can see through
me, but more than likely it’s that he can’t believe someone would want to have kinky
sex with someone like me. 

“Let’s just get to work.”  I say.

Gable stops in the middle of the floor.  “Hey guys, a woman for the company promoting
Ransom’s End’s new tour called me yesterday.  They would like for us to get in contact
with them about being an opening act, possibly starting in about three weeks.”

We all stop and stare.  Keeg leans against the door frame.  “Did you just say someone
wants us to tour and open for Ransom’s End starting in a few weeks?”

Gable smiles and nods.  “Yep.  Well, a guy came and saw our show.  He likes us, but
they’ll give us an answer after they come to our show tomorrow night.  They want a
second look.  We might make some money, too.”

Stoney grins and grabs me around my waist, spinning me around. 

Stoney stops.  “What’s up, Ivie girl? You don’t seem happy.  You don’t want to go
on tour with us or something?”

I smile my best fake smile and shake my head.  “No, it’s not that.  I think I’m still
in shock or something.”

They all chuckle and Stoney smiles.  “Good.  I was beginning to worry.”

Twenty-one Years Old

             
Yesterday, when Holly from the tour company called me, it was like a dream.  I know
I had to sound like I was half stoned or something the way I was stuttering around
my words.  I had to ask her to repeat what she said.  I couldn’t wait to surprise
the guys today at practice. 

I have to say though, Ivie’s reaction was a little off.  I hope she’s not planning
on leaving the band.  That new douche nozzle she’s been living with isn’t very supportive
of her being in the band. She never says anything but I can tell he doesn’t.  He never
comes to our shows, when he’s around he guards her like a freakin’ hound, and he talks
down to her.  I don’t think she realizes we know that, but Stoney overheard a phone
call one night.  So needless to say, we don’t like him.

I think if we get this tour, it will be good for her.  She’s been beat down a lot
in her life but she never cries about it.  How her nasty whore mom took off and left
her.  How her dad was sent to prison or her aunt that treated her like a second class
citizen when she was forced to live there.

Stoney found an old report card when she lived with him.  She was a fucking honor
student.  I don’t know what happened, but she got kicked out.  She got her GED and
has been on her own ever since.

How does one girl take up this much space in my head?  It’s not like I want her or
anything either.  I just worry about her.  I’ll admit, when we first met and I was
a horny 17 year old boy, I would’ve fucked her and not thought twice about it.  But
she’s one of us and I can’t let that get messed up by my dick.

Once practice is over I glance over at her wrists again.  If I find out that asshole
has been hurting her, I’ll make him wish he was never born.  I don’t care that he’s
a fucking cop.

I make my way down to Bay Street Blues, the bar we play at on Bay Street, to talk
to Dottie, the bartender/manager of the place.  I need to let her know about the show
tomorrow night.  She’s probably going to cuss my ass out, but she’ll be proud, too. 
She gave us a shot when none of the other bars liked our sound. 

I walk through the tinted glass front door.  “Hey Sexy, how’s it going?”

She laughs.  “Son, if I thought you were half serious and I weren’t so
in love
with Frank, I’d take you in the back room and teach you all about sex.”

“Hey, I haven’t gotten any complaints.”

“Yeah but have you gotten a standing ‘O’?”

I shake my head, she never ceases to amaze me with what comes out of her mouth.

She leans up on the bar.  “So what brings you by today?”

I sit down at the bar and she shoves a Blue Moon beer in front of me.  “Well, a lady
called me yesterday from a tour company.  A guy from their group came in here and
watched our show one night.  They are interested in signing us up to open for Ransom’s
End in the fall, well technically in about three weeks.  They are coming back tomorrow
night with a couple more guys to watch us.”

She yells.  “Whoo hoo!  My kids are gonna make it big time.  I think you are an asshole
for leaving me, but I think I’ll get over it.”

“I just wanted to let you know about them coming in tomorrow night and so that you
knew you may need to start looking for a new band.”

She walks around the bar and sits down by me.  “Gable, I’m proud of you guys.  Now,
I’m pissed that I won’t have you guys here, because you fill every damn barstool and
chair in this place when you play.  I do understand it, though.”

I look up.  “Thanks, Dottie.  You’ve been our rock, you know.”

“Yeah well, you just don’t forget where you’ve come from, and make sure those boys
behave themselves.  Keep an eye on Ivie, she’s more fragile than she lets off.”

I nod.  “Well don’t say too much, I don’t want to jinx it.  Holly said they’d watch
us tomorrow night and get back with us within a week.  I guess all the guys who were
scouting are together now and looking at all the talent they found.”

“You just stay positive and play your ass off tomorrow night.”

~*~*~

Well, it’s been exactly two weeks since Holly called us the first time, and she called
me today to tell us we were in.  I called up the band and told them and everyone is
thrilled.  Ivie has still been a little distant, but maybe it’s just nerves.

I’m on my way now to meet my sister Scarlet at the bar and tell her our big news. 
She’s getting ready to start SCAD in the fall so this is big for both of us.  She’s
done some amazing artwork for our band.  Hopefully some of the bigger names will like
it and get her some work.

I know she’s going to be upset that I’m leaving.  We have always been each other’s
backbone.  Once our dad went to prison and our mom was like a lovesick hippie that
goes on spiritual retreats, we’ve only really had each other.  Which Scarlet and I
are lucky our mom put roots down here.  My grandparents move around like gypsies and
they did that when mom was young, too.  I can respect the fact that she has done this
for us, but after we got old enough to stay by ourselves, she started going on her
retreats.  She’s never dated, or even attempted to, after our dad left.  I wish more
than anything she’d just move on from him.

             
Walking into the bar, she’s already there talking to Dottie.  I haven’t even brought
any of this up to her until now, so it’s going to be a shock.

             
We sit down and talk.  I explain it all to her, and she’s sad and scared.  She is
proud of me though, my sister would give up damn near anything for me, just like I
would for her. 

She’s had a rough go of it lately.  She found out her boyfriend was cheating on her
with not just another girl, but a guy, too.  She lost it and beat the shit out of
his car with an ax handle and now she has community service. 

             
Of course, our free love mom has not been that supportive of my sister’s
violent streak
as she called it.  When I told mom that I would’ve beat the hell out of him myself,
she wasn’t happy about that either.

             
So me leaving makes her feel like I’m abandoning her like our dad.  She actually liked
him when we were little, he treated her like a princess, but doesn’t he treat any
woman that way?  Considering we know he was married to my mom and our brother, Cade’s
mom at the same time.  We don’t have a clue about him since he got out of prison,
and I really don’t care.

             
I really didn’t even want to find Cade, but Scarlet begged for her birthday for us
to go find him.  I’m glad she did though, he’s a cool guy and obviously a lot better
man than our dad.  He chose his family over an NFL career.  His wife is amazing and
their friends are cool.  I also found out that I have a very cool ass three year old
niece, Madison, who is bossy and hilarious.  They also have a little boy on the way.

~*~*~

             
This week has flown by.  Scarlet and I have had a chance to talk more.  I think she’s
into this guy, Ryder, from her Community Service.  She supposedly hates him, but her
eyes dance when she talks about him.  I haven’t watched them do that in a really long
time.  I really hope that she’ll let her guard down and give him a shot.

             
I have Scarlet drive me over to Stoney’s.  I’m going to let her use my car while I’m
gone.  Once we’re in the driveway, I see the tears coming out of her eyes.  “Scar,
I’ll be back before you know it.”

             
“I know, I just worry, and I know I’ll miss you.”

             
“Look, just take care of my car and don’t get arrested anymore.  Okay?’

             
She nods and falls into my chest.  “Okay, I’m going to go.  I need to go pick some
stuff up for mom.”

             
I kiss her on her forehead.  “Okay kid, I love you.  Take care.”

             
I watch her get in the car and drive away.

             
Stoney steps out.  “She gonna be okay, man?”

             
“I think so.  Everybody ready to go?”

             
“Ivie’s not here yet.”

             
“What the fuck man?”

             
“Look, I’ve tried calling her, and Keeg has tried.  Hopefully she’ll be here soon.”

             
I let my head fall back.  “She fucking better be. Is something going on with her? 
Is she on something? Is she flaking out?  She’s missed practice this week, calling
after to apologize.  We need to have a serious talk with her. ”

             
Stoney looks at the ground with his hands in his pockets.  “I know man.  I know.”