These aches are different from anything I’ve experienced. I’ve been so sore from weights that I’ve had to grit my teeth just to walk. I’ve been tackled so hard I’ve seen stars and had big purple bruises. But these aches come from inside. They’re dull, constant, like all my energy has been sucked out.
I miss her.
I hate myself for ruining everything, even more for not knowing how to fix it.
What more does she want me to do? I’m trying to be myself, but it’s kind of hard when I don’t exactly know what that means. Maybe I have been faking it, but if I have, I’ve been doing it for so long that I don’t know how to stop. I’m not sure where the false me ends and the real me begins.
And I don’t care what Daphne said, I was
not
thinking of myself when I decided not to tell Garret. I didn’t want to upset him. That was all I could think about. Maybe it looked like I was covering my ass, but I never thought of it that way.
I have no clue what to do, but I do know how to fry onion rings. So I work. And when there’s no more food to cook, I clean. The bathroom, the back room, the floors, the counters. I scrub the dishes by hand just so it’ll take longer.
“You did all my jobs,” Trent says, almost making me jump. I have no idea how long he’s been standing next to me.
“Sorry.” I battle some cheese that has welded itself to a pan. So much for non-stick.
“Hey, don’t apologize.” He laughs. “At least not to me, but maybe you should say sorry to that pan. You’re gonna scrub a hole in it.”
I stop. “The cheese won’t come off!”
“Whoa, chill out.” Trent grabs the pan from me and sets it on the counter. “All you have to do is let it dry out.”
“Huh?”
“Trust me, I do all the dishes, remember?” He leans on the counter, folding his arms. “The melted stuff is impossible. The more you scrub the more it seals itself to the pan. But let that stuff dry out and it pops right off with one scrape of a spatula.”
“Oh.” I throw the scrubber in the sink. “Would have been nice to know that three pans ago. I just wasted a lot of time.”
He laughs. “You do seem to enjoy doing things the hard way.”
“Shut up.” I punch his shoulder.
He goes quiet, and I know he’s picked up on something. Trent is freaky that way. “Let’s take a break, huh? You look like hell.”
“Didn’t you just get here?”
“You did all my work and Mom’s running the front just fine.” He nods toward the back.
May as well. Trent’s practically my therapist these days. I don’t mind, seeing as how the list of people who like me keeps dwindling. There are two takeout bags from the best Italian place in Clovis on the table. I look at him. “Isn’t this like cheating on your family?”
He shakes his head as we sit. “You can only eat so many burgers. Figured you’d enjoy something different, what with your discerning palate and all.”
“You’re a good friend, Trent. No one I know would do this for me.”
He shrugs. “Maybe you know the wrong people.”
Opening the nearest box, I dig in. It’s pasta with a creamy sauce and mushrooms. Trent hands me a breadstick and then opens his own box, which is spaghetti and meatballs.
I dip my bread in the sauce. “Keira tried to jump me on Christmas.”
“What?” he chokes out.
“She snuck up to my room in the middle of the night and demanded sex. I told her to leave.” I lean on the table, not wanting to relive this. “Daphne heard the whole thing. She knows everything now.”
“Damn.” He slurps up some noodles and then laughs a little.
“What?”
“It’s crazy. I can’t even get a girlfriend, and here girls just throw themselves at you.” He takes a swig of his drink. “If I didn’t like you so much, I’d hate you.”
I swallow another bite. “You should hate me.”
“I used to,” he says. “Until I figured out you were completely oblivious to your status. It’s hard to hate someone who tries so hard, and you treated me like a person. Actually, I think that’s why everyone likes you so much. You let people be who they are, no judging.”
I sigh. “Maybe you could tell Daphne that, because she thinks I’m a fake.”
“Well, sometimes you are.”
“Yeah…thanks for the pep talk, bud.” I grab another box, happy to find a big slice of lasagna.
He laughs. “Look, I’m sorry, but it’s true. You let everyone else be who they are at the expense of yourself. You’re a Yes Man. Yes, I’ll go to your party and get drunk. Yes, I will watch anime with you. Yes, I will keep you happy, and I don’t care how miserable it makes me. Have you ever done anything without worrying about what others would think?”
I glare at him. “I work here. I like working here.”
“Have you told the team?”
I wince.
“See? Even though you love working here, you don’t want them thinking you’re some burger-flipping loser, right?” He shakes his head. “I’m just telling it like it is.”
I don’t answer. I don’t need to. He knows he’s right, and so do I.
Chapter Forty
The bass rumbles through Puke the second I turn onto Dallas’s street. Cars are already crammed in every available spot near the house, so I park where I am, right near the corner. There’s no way I’m getting blocked in. I need to make sure I can get away if I want.
As I get out, I’m unsure of why I even came to his New Year’s party. I guess because it’s slightly better than being at home. It’s a distraction. I need one. Badly.
Because honestly I’m tired of thinking about what a horrible person I am. I’m tired of people telling me I suck. Like I don’t know already. At least here, at this party, no one will lecture me about all the crap I’ve done wrong.
When I get to Dallas’s front door I let myself in. I’m late, so the place is already packed. There’s already confetti and beer cans everywhere. The music blares over the chatter. I don’t know half the people, but everyone calls my name as I pass.
“Russ! What’s up, man?”
“Hey! Russ is here!”
“Dude, over here, Russ! Grab a beer!”
For the first time all week, I stand a little taller. These people barely know me and they’re happy to see me. It feels good, and soon enough I’m smiling. This is way better than moping around my room.
“You came!” Dallas says when I find him. He already seems a little sloshed. “Here.”
I take the beer he offers, but I don’t feel like getting hammered tonight. Try as I might, I can’t forget how scared Daphne was when I passed out last time. Girlfriend or not, I will never do that to her again. I’ll just get tipsy, enough to dull the pain.
Dallas leans against the kitchen counter. “We’re friends, right?”
“Yeah…”
He smiles too widely. “Yeah, we’re
best
friends. Don’t tell anyone, but I’m so glad you got rid of that goodie-goodie Garret. He’s such a waste of space, so not cool enough for you.”
I stiffen. “Oh?”
“Dude, he’s so lame!”
Dallas gets honest when drunk, apparently. Not sure I’m a fan of that. Try as I might, I still like Garret. He’s still my best friend in my mind. I get why he hates me, and I can’t really blame him. So it takes a lot of effort to say, “You think?”
“AP classes, psh. I hate smartasses.” He nudges my arm. “But now you have me, and we’ll make this last semester rock!”
“Sure…” I chug the rest of my beer. So this is why Dallas likes me. I’m a status symbol. A trophy. The second Garret was gone I needed a replacement best friend. He thinks I’m his ticket to topping the social ladder.
Sad thing is he kind of
has
replaced Garret. At least that’s what it looks like.
Hands slide around my waist from behind. “Russell Pearson. Where have you been, mister?”
“Mercedes.” I pull her off me. Whoa, she’s smashed and it’s not even ten. “How are you?”
“Awful. You ditched me, and after we were having such a good time together!” She leans in, and I get a blast of her stale breath. “Why did you do that?”
“I…” Daphne. She was the reason, still is the reason. “I didn’t want to take advantage of you. You were really drunk—you’re really drunk now.”
“Psh.”
“You know,” Dallas says to her. “I’m right here if you ever get tired of Russ rejecting you.”
She glares at him. “I’m not
that
desperate.”
I sigh. I hate not being drunk when everyone else already is. They either sound stupid or say things they shouldn’t. Both are annoying. “Hey, how about we watch some of that New Year’s party in New York?”
“Yeah! You’re smart!” Mercedes hooks her arm with mine, and Dallas follows us to the leather couch in the living room.
People are already watching the crowd in Times Square. Well, kind of. We have to squeeze in between a couple making out and a sleeping guy. We watch for a while, and then Mercedes moans.
“I wish we were in New York. This place sucks!”
“Thanks a lot,” Dallas says.
She rolls her eyes. “No, not
your
place. Clovis. We have to watch other people having fun in big, awesome cities. Someday I’ll do something really cool for New Year’s.”
“Like what?” I ask.
“Hmm…” She strokes her chin, thinking way too hard. Then she busts up laughing. “I’ll go to the moon and eat all the cheese!”
Dallas groans. “I’m getting another drink.”
“Grab me one,” I say. I’ll need to be drunker to get through this.
For some reason, I can’t stop thinking about the last time Garret and I went to one of these parties together. Mercedes was all over him. I was bored out of my mind, and so was he. That was the night everything changed, the night we met Keira. What would have happened if we’d just stayed at the party? Would he still be here with me? He’d probably have another girlfriend. I’d probably still think I was his sidekick.
It was never perfect, but it would have been a lot better than this. Maybe I’d have even noticed Daphne is amazing and perfect, and we’d be together tonight.
“Why won’t you kiss me?” Mercedes says out of nowhere. “I don’t get it. Everyone wants to kiss me except the one guy I want to kiss me! It’s not fair.”
I sigh. “We’ve been through this a thousand times, Mercedes.”
She leans into me, her boobs trapping me as she puts her arm on my shoulder. “What about just for tonight? It’s not New Year’s unless you kiss someone.”
I bristle at the contact, so much so that I have to pull back. A girl’s touch has never bothered me before, but this is all wrong. I don’t want some meaningless make-out session. I don’t want someone who has no idea what I’m really like, someone I’d have to pretend for everyday.
All I want is Daphne.
“What the hell are you doing here, Clown Bitch?” Dallas’s voice booms over all the noise and everyone goes quiet.
I jump up, completely freaked out. It’s like some kind of sick sign from the universe. She can’t be here. There’s no way she’d step foot in his house.
“Are you here to do a circus act? It better be raunchy or I’m not paying,” he continues. People laugh.
No.
Before I know it, I’m around the corner, following the gaze of all the onlookers. There she is in the entryway, bundled in a thick hoodie and bright orange scarf. She looks right at me, her eyes pleading for me to do something. Just seeing her again makes things clearer. No one could ever replace her. I have to get her back.
“Seriously, Clown Bitch, if you’re not going to entertain us, you need to leave.” Dallas shoos her off.
She holds her head high, though I can see she’s trembling. “I need to talk to Russ.”
“Russ Pearson?” He laughs. “Why would he ever talk to you?”
She looks past him, to me. “It’s about Garret.”
I can’t breathe. If she came all the way here, something must be really wrong. I push past a few people, trying to get to her.
“Who cares? Go back to your freaks and leave us alone.” Then he shoves her, and the crowd lets her fall.
Seeing her on the ground, it finally sinks in. Why am I trying to make these people happy? They know nothing about me. Dallas doesn’t even know enough to keep his dirty hands off Daphne. No one knows that the girl they’re laughing at is one of the most important people in my life.
These people don’t like me. They like who they think I am.
None of it’s real. I might like football and weight lifting and a party now and then, but that doesn’t mean I have to be what they expect me to be. I should be trying to impress the people who actually care about me, the people
I
care about.
“Daphne!” I push people out of my way. Some move when they see me coming. Everyone stares, probably shocked that I know her name. I kneel down and take her hand. “Are you okay?”
She looks around, obviously scared. “Mostly.”
“I can’t believe you came here.” I pull her up and put my arms around her, hoping she doesn’t mind.
She clings to me, hiding her face in my chest. “Get me out.”
“Okay.” I try to guide her to the door, but there are people everywhere, staring like I’m some kind of alien.
“Russ!” Dallas yells.
I stop, turn to face him. “Yeah?”
“What the hell are you doing?” He points at Daphne. “Do you actually know Clown Bitch?”
I hold her tighter. “Don’t call her that. Ever again.”
“Why not?” He finishes off the beer he has and throws the empty can on the ground, chuckling to himself. “The name suits her. She’s a total bitch and she dresses like a neon clown!”
I let her go and close the distance between Dallas and me in three steps. Then I slam my fist into his face. He goes flying into the people behind him, his nose already spurting blood. I stand over him, ready to do it again if he gets up. “She’s my girlfriend, dickhead!”
His eyes go wide as he clutches his nose.
“You know I could beat your ass, so I better not hear you breathe a bad word about her again. You better not even
think
it, or so help me, I’ll make you pay.” I look around at the other shocked faces. “And if any one else has a problem with Daphne, you can take it up with me. I’ll be happy to re-educate you.”
No one takes me up on my offer, so I grab Daphne’s hand and pull her toward the door. She doesn’t resist until we hit the street. I look back. “Daphne?”