So Shall I Reap (23 page)

Why was this dragging out for me?
Tod had been gone for more than three weeks. I normally got over guys hours after a break up, not weeks. Then it dawned on me because I never did really break up with him. Fate had made the choice for me.

I was zoning out in thought when someone knocked on the door. Frowning down at my shoes, I already knew who was on the other side.
Was it time to go so soon?
I pulled down on the waistband of the dress to smooth it out. The knocking became louder, more serious, and I jumped slightly. A small quiver vibrated at the back of my throat.

If only Blakely could have gotten the night off to go with me. Her boss said they needed her for inventory. Also, two other employees had called in sick, so they were pretty busy.

Dee didn’t drive yet and we bummed rides off Blake and Ghost frequently. Since it was a school night and Dee’s mom was working, she had babysitting duties. The twins looked like her but in mini size. Calvin and Bailey were okay for kids. I’d even babysat them a couple of times when both Dee and her mom had to work. They were no trouble, but I was always worn out by the time I was released from guarding duties.

Ghost was still MIA. Then this morning, while Dee and I were talking on the phone, she slipped some information to me while brushing her teeth. Ghost wasn’t only missing from my life but from life in general. He hadn’t been at school for the past two days… three, if he didn’t make an appearance in homeroom today.

A fist smacked against my door. “Alexcia, are you decent? I need to talk to you before we go.”

Great.
I wasn’t really in the mood for a pep talk.
Let’s rally for the dead. I don’t think so.
I limped over to the door and cracked it open about two inches. “Sorry, was listening to music. What’s up?” Max shifted his eyes to the top of my head and grumbled under his breath. Gigi sat at attention by his left side patiently panting, waiting for a command. She looked at me, grumbled low and bowed her head.
That was strange
.

I hadn’t seen Max since he had stormed out of my hospital room the day I received those beautiful, creepy flowers. Come to think of it, I never got them back from Rae-Lynn. She had mentioned something about Max working on a project regarding some mismanaged funds in New York. Today, my father was dressed in one of his best black suits. He liked the dark-colored Italian suits the best. I always thought it was because they made him fiercer looking to his foes. Mom had once said she liked the dark suits because they accented the passion in his eyes. I studied my father while he stood in the hall. He was an enigma with a cloud of mystery masking his uncertainty. His blue eyes were close to black, and that worried me some. I did the math … Max plus uncertainty equaled bad for me, maybe.

Backing up to let him in the room, I watched in anticipation as his massive frame squeezed through the door, and he glanced from corner to corner. “I see you have been spring cleaning.” I grabbed a corner of my comforter and flicked it over a pile of laundry, then smoothed it out to make a place for him to sit. Max surveyed the room, his gaze remaining on the empty computer chair. I motioned for him to sit, regrettably he accepted the spot. Gigi chose to stay in the hallway by my door. Not following him into the room was abnormal behavior for her. 

Dad tried to get comfortable as I rolled the computer chair around and sat across from him. “So, what’s the occasion? You never come into my room. Gigi’s in here normally drooling all over my clothes, but now she won’t even cross the threshold. What’s up with her?” I raised my eyebrows, whistled and patted my leg to indicate she was more than welcome to enter. She dropped flat to the floor and whimpered.
Okay, fine, stay there. I’m not begging for your attention either
.

Max cleared his throat. “I know we don’t spend a lot of time together, but you do know I care for you, right?” He adjusted his tie. Clearly he was nervous about something.

“Yeah, I know.” I pressed my lips together tight to lock my mouth.

“It seems your mom has expressed some issues about the way things have been between the three of us, and she wants us to spend more time together.”
Ah, okay, then why was he looking everywhere but at me?
He was telling all of this to the dog with me as their mediator. The muscle across his jawline tightened as if he wanted to say more but was keeping it in like me.
Did we have to do this now?

Without notice, everything gushed out of me. “Do we have to discuss this now, before… well? I don’t think this is the right time to pretend to be dad and daughter. I need things to stay the way they were.” I rolled my eyes.
Wonderful, here they come.
Small droplets slipped out. I didn’t need this now. “My life has been turned upside down. I’m broken. I don’t want to be around people when all they want from me is to relive what happened that night. I’m tired of being wet.” I wiped angrily under each eye, glad I decided not to wear makeup. “I feel like everyone is attacking me for being me. That’s who I am. I’m me.” I used my hands in an all-over motion. “This way and I’m not changing. I’m not asking for you and Mom to change either. I understand you both are busy. So please, tell Mom we don’t need to redo anything. Besides…” I sniffed. “I can tell it’s hard for you to even be in here with me. I’m not going to force you to be around me.” My voice was small, and I cupped my face to muffle the sobs. I had been shattered and couldn’t even type into the search engine to purchase a repair manual from Amazon.

I was trying to replace some of the bricks on my wall. Slowly, I stopped crying and lowered my hands. Before I could look up, he had pulled me into a hug. A real, genuine hug. I was lost for words as he stroked my hair and sighed heavily.

“My daughter, I am sorry you are so lost. Unfortunately, I cannot give you any answers for what you are going through. Not yet, at least. I promise, though, when the time comes, all will make sense to your feelings of madness. It will only be a while longer.” He scooted back to look at me. “But first, before we can decide if you are ready to know, I need some information from you. Like, what my daughter’s been doing with all of her free time?”

We locked eyes, and I felt a quick jolt. Unlike static shock, the electric crack seared its way into the back of my skull. I couldn’t shake the feeling of dread.
What had he said to me? Something about partial truth wrapped up in a riddle?
Damn, my teenage ears. I didn’t get all of it but was afraid of ruining our moment if I asked. Everything became hazy.

He stood, I think—maybe it was me—but he seemed taller. Heat rolled off his deep caramel-colored hands when he let go of me. I thought he might be running a fever. My back and arms were covered in chicken bumps from the absence of his embrace. I sat, blinking up at him when something came over me. The figure in front of me seemed to morph and pace. Something growled, then my mouth opened, and I started ratting on myself.

“I was at a party the night of the accident. We had been drinking. A bunch of us decided to go to a gathering. The weather began to attack us. I wanted to go home. They wouldn’t listen. I distracted Tod. He lost control of the truck. Another big vehicle was coming right for us. I knew we were going to die…” I believed Max waved his hand in front of me.

“How did you know you were going to die?”

I didn’t want anyone to know about that night, especially what really had happened.
What the hell has come over me?
I tried to shake my head to make myself stop.
Who was I telling all this to anyway?
Short term memory failing, I heard my name, but in a rolling growl, I jumped.
Shit. What was that?

“Stop fighting me, Alexcia Crystalline. How did you know you were going to die?” Another low snarl followed.

What was with my mouth? It seemed detached from my will, and I started in again. “My demon came to rescue us but only took me, leaving all my friends to die. It is my penance for killing them. For me to live and them to die. I should be dead too.”

Stop, Alexcia. Stop talking.
The voice inside kept screaming, but another growl echoed in the room, and I sat straight up waiting for another question.
What was wrong with me, and who was asking me to reveal all of my secrets?

Terror overcame me. I didn’t want anyone to know about the nightmares. No one was going to lock me away, no one. I dug fingernails into both palms and felt trickles of warmth flow down my fingers, sour words started forming on my tongue. I needed to spit them out.

“Cort-tak-meois-le-quic,”
my mouth hurt, and something snarled close by. My ears popped, and I blinked. Confused, I found us still locked in our embrace as if he’d never gotten up. Max pulled back slightly from where he was kneeling. I looked him square in the eyes and asked, “Dad? What happened?” Then I thought,
wasn’t he just in front of me?

He turned to sit back on the bed but faced me and leaned over to grab the arms of the computer chair. Wheeling me closer, Max used a thumb and wiped some of the tears away while glancing around before using the one of the arms of the chair to rise into a standing position. Then he patted me on my head.
What just happened?
My mind swam in confusion. Walking to the door, he turned around slowly, holding the handle with one hand and placing another over his temple.

“I’m sorry, Alexcia, but I think your mom is right. We have failed you in so many ways, child. Things will get better in time. Finish getting ready. We will leave for the funeral in ten minutes.” He turned to walk out, pulling the door with him, then suddenly stopped and spun around to face me. His expression froze my heart in mid-beat. “You must remind me to thank…” he ground his teeth as he said, “a friend of mine for his parenting advice.”

His dark coal eyes ignited as if he were about to pass judgment on the damned. Straightening his body to fill the door frame, he inhaled sharply, then exhaling his words with force. “Alexcia Crystalline Stasis, you are grounded.” He slammed the door.

What. The. Hell?

Seven ravens on my roof, not one of them were here to take my soul but to help me attend a funeral, not of my own.

~Alexcia

The space in Max’s metallic black Hummer was filled with outrage. Now, not only was I depressed but pissed off too. I kept pulling on the hem of Mom’s dress to keep him from looking at me… anything to avoid making eye contact with my new prison warden. I could kick myself. Forget about the phrase
you’re grounded for a week,
it was replaced with,
you’re grounded for a year.
I went from no rules to a motherlode of them within the first five minutes of our drive. Some good came out of it—I stopped crying.

Anger burned up all of my tears because I was cured, for the moment.

The weather fit the venue too. It was cold and windy with a slight drizzle. I didn’t need to shed any more tears; the clouds were doing the crying for me. While practicing wordlessly what I was going to say to Claire and Clarence Peston, I stared out the front passenger window. My father yanked on the steering wheel and the beast jumped as if we hit a speed bump going sixty, jolting me from sulking. I dug both hands into the folded jacket and quickly returned it to my face, taking in his smell. The scent of his cologne was fading, and I couldn’t detect the shampoo smell either. My heart tugged on the pull-string to the water bucket attached, but the line had been cut, thanks to my father.

The funeral service was being held in the Peston’s home, followed by everyone driving out to the cemetery for the family and friends’ final goodbye. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go that far yet. Maybe if I could unhinge my jaw long enough to say what I came there to, it might be possible, someday.

Sighing at the thought, I stopped the pity party long enough to notice the rain had increased as we pulled up to the gates of the estate. Tod had been cocky and full of himself at times, but he never made anyone feel cheap. He never spoke of his family’s wealth or what he was going to inherit when his parents died. Once I had asked him, “What good is all that money if you can’t take it with you?” If only I could’ve seen his future, I wouldn’t have said it to him.

To refocus and keep the waterworks away, my hand instinctively punched my bad arm. I couldn’t wait for the cast to come off. I would miss Blakely’s art work, but I wanted to feel whole again. It was just another stupid reminder of the way I felt about myself. And the brace on my right leg added to the weight of emotions.

Max spoke to the front gate guard attendant, who checked the list, expressed his condolences and opened the gates. I couldn’t wait for that to stop too. People were another reminder.

My father followed the driveway and parked where they directed him. He grabbed a black umbrella from the back seat and slammed the driver’s door to come around to the passenger’s side. While he opened the door, I glared at him, clutching Tod’s jacket to my chest to keep it from getting too wet.

“It’s time. Let’s do this. Give me your hand. I’ll help you out.” He opened his free hand while holding the umbrella higher for both of us to walk under. Tentatively, I took his hand and slipped in right next to him. He closed the door behind me, and we walked slowly in the cold, wet air.

My throat hurt from the new dam I had built on our way over. Right before we walked through the door, he closed the umbrella and gave it a quick shake. I watched the rain drops sprinkle to the ground and pretended they were mine.

We merged with the flow of people being herded into the main hall. Some of Tod’s lacrosse teammates were handing out programs with spiritual passages and directions to the cemetery. The deeper I dug into the sleeves of his jacket, the whiter my knuckles became. I kept my head down low so no one would recognize me right away. Having avoided everyone for more than three weeks had been easy. I preferred the box of solitude and wanted to stay locked up awhile longer.

“Let me help you down the stairs.” Max extended his arm for me to loop mine through. He took a program and immediately held it out for me. I declined to reach for it, so he folded it and tucked it into his breast pocket. If only things in life were that simple, if you didn’t want to deal with it, you simply tucked it away. But then again, I would need several pockets for all of my issues. He held out his arm again, and we took it slow down the four steps onto the plush, white carpet.

We were met by one of the lacrosse players. Chase Masson held out his arm to steady me. His blond hair was cut military style, which I thought made him look much younger than eighteen, but it did pronounce his dimples more since there was nothing to distract you from noticing his face. His chocolate brown eyes looked at Max and the blood from his cheeks noticeably drained.
Yup, the menacing football player, in the black Emporio Armani suit, is my dad.
I glanced at Max to see if he was paying attention to the young man who was melted to his daughter’s arm. I think I was holding my escort up now. A slight crack formed in my armor as the corners of my lips flicked Chase a reassuring smile.

Tod’s teammate cleared his throat. “This way. The Peston’s would like you and your guest to sit with the family.”

I almost lost it right there. They wanted me to sit with them. That was like Leonardo Da Vinci asking Jesus if he was sure about adding Judas to The Last Supper painting. I tried to keep myself from shaking as I took Chase’s arm. Taking the lead, I followed in silence.

While he escorted us to our seats, I focused on my feet. Clutching Tod’s jacket close to me, I didn’t notice the patent leather boot sticking out in the middle of the isle. Chase pulled me back and around the boot before I fell forward, but I caught some air and glanced to see whose foot I almost broke.
Oh, someone upstairs doesn’t like me very much.

Krista was turning like a snake, ready to strike as she faced me. While staring at the jacket under my arm, she inhaled between her teeth sounding like a backward hiss. Under her breath, she spat out, “Bitch. If it weren’t for you, Tod would still be here.” Two of her cheer-bots, sitting next to her, laughed. They must have had poor programming.

My voice was airy when I mumbled, “I’m sorry.” As Chase and I sidestepped her barricade and proceeded to our destination, my ears picked up on a low hum. A guy had gotten up from his seat to speak to a man across the aisle. He glanced at me and then over my shoulder at Max. Nodding at Chase, he winked at me and stepped around us to walk toward the back of the room. I was taken aback by his eyes. They were a deep violet, almost black. The word
beautiful
was severely lacking in describing them. I was blinded by the thought when I heard Krista yelp.

“
Oww.
Hey, watch where you’re stepping,” Krista barked.

I clung to Chase while I turned to see who was next on Krista’s list. The guy we had passed was formally bowing to her. “My apologies ma’am but where I’m from, a lady sits with her legs together.” The young man chuckled and in a low whisper, spoke again. “So, as not to advertise her merchandise.” He completed the gesture and left her wide-mouthed. People around her snickered.
Touché. I must look for him after the service and thank him for such a great quip.

Chase led us around the front of the mournful gatherers. Stopping four rows from the podium, he deposited us at the end of the row. Well, one thing tonight had worked out in my favor. Dad and I were hidden in the front corner of the room which meant when it was time to leave we would be close to last.

Max held his cool demeanor while helping me shuffle to the seat next to him. Like a bodyguard, he took the outside seat next to me. I placed the jacket across my lap and stared straight ahead. Everything in the room was color-coordinated with our school’s colors: red, black, and silver. I noticed Tod’s favorite midnight blue was used as an accent shade in the flower arrangements. When I noticed the casket lying unopened in the front of the room, my eyes widened. I had been so overwhelmed with my own world, I hadn’t even noticed it. A coffin, the primary symbol of death—for all to see—was displayed in front of us. To make matters worse was my knowledge that it was empty. I tried to conceal my facial expression, focusing on the floor so no one could see the signs of guilt and loss. I really didn’t have the right to be there.

While I pulled his jacket to silence a sniffle, Max placed his arm around my shoulders. I was still mad but leaned into him, accepting his gesture of comfort. He whispered, “Sorry,” in my ear, and I wiped the tears with the palm of my good hand. Then he handed me one of his silk handkerchiefs and told me to keep it. My neck itched under the skin. Wonderful, not only do my eyes give me away, but my skin does too. I should have asked Rae-Lynn for a wrap. For a quick second, my pride got the best of me when I thought about putting Tod’s jacket on to cover up the welts.
But, I’m proud to say, I am not that conceited and squashed the idea.

From the front of the room, two huge wooden doors opened and out walked an elderly, white-haired woman carrying a hymn book. She approached the piano and two other women followed in her path. One was carrying a flute and the other had a dark-stained violin. I recognized the flutist from some of the pictures in Tod’s locker and the hanging family portraits up the staircase. She was Tod’s older sister, Brittney, and probably had to rearrange her college schedule to fly here from England. On more than one occasion, Tod had mentioned how proud he was of her. She was studying to be a symphony flutist and was also composing a few pieces for her undergraduate work. I didn’t know the young girl with the violin or the grandmotherly woman sitting at the piano but was sure they were family members expressing their feelings of loss through music.

When the door opened again, a priest entered with Tod’s parents following behind. The crowd hushed, and all I could hear was the heavy patter of rain from above keeping rhythm with Claire’s soft sobs. The musicians started playing a piece called “The Prayer.” I remembered this song from a childhood movie. When I was little, I thought it was pretty and romantic. Now it meant letting go and saying farewell. The fragile tinkling I heard was every emotion I held for Tod.

When the service was over and everyone was heading out to meet up at the cemetery, each leg felt made of lead, and I was slow in getting up. Max pulled me forward and switched me on auto pilot. As I focused ahead, I saw Mr. and Mrs. Peston. Our gaze connected, and I found the strength to approach her. I had to do this, not only for Tod… but for me as well.

I asked my father to please wait for me at the back of the hall, telling him I’d catch up when I was done. He looked at me with a grave expression but gave me a pat and a quick head nod in understanding. I watched him walk away when I noticed three tall men in the back of the room staring at me. A sudden chill around my ankles made me scan the room before I found myself panning back to the three of them, drawn to the middle one in particular. The air was sucked right out of me as I looked him over. Each man had darkened features, but the one in the middle had violet eyes, raven hair, and ivory bone skin. The temperature in the room dropped noticeably. When I approached the Pestons', every nerve ending trembled, but not from the nip of the air conditioner. I couldn’t believe myself. I was crushing on some stranger at my boyfriend’s funeral. Appalled by my inappropriate behavior, I broke our stare and focused on the prearranged plan.

Turning on my heel, I limped away… head held low, his jacket in my hands. I tried to find my voice. “Hello.” It was all I could muster.

“Alexcia, my dear, thank you for coming. We are so sorry we didn’t come to see you in the hospital. It’s been so hard…” Her voice cracked, and Clarence put a soft hand on her shoulder.

“I don’t even know where to begin to say how sorry I am about all that has happened. I never meant to hurt anyone.”

They both looked at me, flummoxed.

My heart had been severed by the sharp blade of guilt from thrusting us into this situation, and I was slowly dying. I was weary of being a sprinkler, watering emotions that would eventually wither. I deepened my grip on his jacket for strength.
Oh, goodness this is hard.

“On the night of the accident, the weather was so bad, and I got scared sitting in the back of the truck.” I sucked in a quick breath. “I caused the accident by distracting Tod, and he turned the wheel hard when he looked back at me.” Eyes burning, I tried to let it all gush out. “I didn’t know he would take his eyes off the road, but I guess he… he…” I sniffed. “I know that having me here is a reminder because I should have died with them too.”

Then…
Slap.

Mrs. Peston was holding the hand she hit me with, and my left cheek was on fire. A commotion in the back of the room caused everyone else’s eyes to turn, but I didn’t even glance in that direction to see what was going on. It wouldn’t have mattered. I couldn’t see. Instead, I pulled his jacket to my face for one last sensory memory of Tod.

I looked up, shaking, but held her gaze while holding up my arms. “I brought Tod with me. I thought it would be inappropriate for me to keep him when he belongs to both of you. He asked me to go steady the night of the accident and gave me his jacket to wear. It is all I have left of him and all I can give back to you.” I felt light-headed as I whispered, “It’s really all I have to give you. I’m so sorry.”

The grieving mother draped herself around me and wailed. We let everything out right there, holding each other while the stragglers in the room watched. I didn’t care. I came to do what I needed to do, and now Tod was home where he belonged. We broke our embrace and she took his jacket from me and smiled, drying her face with the tips of her fingers.