Stronger By Your Side (Great Love Book 2) (3 page)

I began to choke on my words, but thankfully Sarah was kind and finished my sentence for me with a low whisper. “He’s not.”

I nodded, holding back the tears that were begging to leave my eyes. “I can donate them to a good cause. I don’t mind doing it,” Emerson said quietly.

I nodded again and swallowed back my tears. I would not do this anymore. It was time. After Emerson and Sarah nodded solemnly, I gave them a slight smile and decided to share my inner battle with them with two simple words. “It’s time.”

Sarah nodded weakly. “Good for you, girl.”

It had been five days since Emerson and Sarah had helped me get Charlotte and me settled into our new place. We had seen Travis almost every day for at least one meal, and he had taken Charlotte to the park down the street a couple of times. We had also spent time with Sarah and Emerson, along with Jules. It was starting to feel more like home each day. Being surrounded by people whom I adored was helping with that.

I sat on Jules’s couch, the very couch that Cal had slept on the night before we buried Charles, the night he brought me Charles’s last letter. The words flashed through my mind, as they often did when I was missing him.
I will always love you. You can always love me, you don’t have to stop, but please, please, Megan. Promise, promise me that you will love again. You are far too good at it not to.
I sighed, and then I thought about the fortune on the top of my coffee cup the other day.
Love will find you.
But maybe I didn’t want it to. I didn’t want to love anyone else. The only other guy I loved before Charles had been my childhood best friend, SJ, and I had left him in the worst way. Pretty sure he would never want to see me again. Maybe not loving anyone again would be better. Maybe it would be less painful. Both of my experiences with love were worthy of a bloodcurdling scream—that kind of painful.

It was only five days before the first day of school. I had gone into my classroom twice to work on things, but I still had a lot to do. Currently, I was surrounded by everyone who loved Charles. This played a large part in why I was distracted by my late husband’s words. Travis sat down next to me with Charlotte in one hand and pumpkin pie in the other. It was late summer, so usually you wouldn’t expect pumpkin pie. However, as I said, Travis’s family owned the largest pumpkin farm in northern California. They canned their leftover pumpkin each year and also froze pies. In fact, you could buy their frozen baked goods and canned pumpkin or fruit year round at the local grocery store, Big Mike’s. The Farmer family pies were legendary, so at least one was always expected at any family event or party. Today, Jules was throwing a welcome back party for Charlotte, Travis and me.

I smiled over at my daughter, who was shoveling the pie in her small mouth. I had to hold back a slight gag at an unfortunate memory I had with pumpkin pie. I also had to suppress the automatic smile that came to my lips at the memory. It was the unfortunate night that I ate two pumpkin pies by myself and had been given the nickname of Pumpkin Girl by my best friend, SJ. We had been seven at the time, and as we got older it became just Pumpkin. It was a name I hadn’t been called in a long time, and although part of me longed to hear it, the other part of me knew why I never would. I cleared my throat, shook my head and focused on my little girl.

Then I laughed as I watched Charlotte rabidly force even more pie into her mouth with her fork. “Jeez, kiddo, slow down.”

I laughed as I took a bite of my own pie, which was apple instead. It was not the famous Farmer pie, but it was still delicious. “That’s her third piece, Travis. She’s going to be up all night.”

He laughed. “Yeah, probably.”

I shook my head. “Seriously? You’re not the one who has to stay up with her.” I was finding that being angry with Travis made it easier to forget about the two men that haunted me, Charles and SJ. Being mad at Travis always made life easier. I think he knew it too, because he often let me. Travis’s face turned serious and his voice lowered. “Let me stay the night and I’ll stay up with her.” I almost dropped my pie.

Travis must have forgotten that my daughter was currently a parrot, and there was absolutely no whisper quiet enough to escape her super spy ears because she began yelling, “Yay, Uncky Travey stay night with me! Yay Yay Yay!” All with a mouth full of pie, of course.

I looked around at not only all of Charles’s family, but also all of Travis’ family, along with our friends. I don’t know if Travis felt Sarah’s daggers darting at us in the form of her glare, but I sure did. I didn’t want to screw up my friendship with her. I adored her. I needed her to distract me from my haunting thoughts. And she and Travis clearly had something going on, or at least she had feelings for him. The last thing I needed was her thinking that her statements about Travis and me seeming like a couple were valid, because they weren’t! Damn it, Travis.

I cleared my throat and stood up, grabbing the now empty plate from Charlotte’s hands. She frowned at me. “Hey baby, go play with your cousins,” I said, and that made her frown turn to a grin.

She jumped off of Travis’s lap. “Yup, I go play. Bye bye.” She ran over to her slightly younger cousin, Connor, and grabbed his hand. I laughed and then stopped when I saw Travis looking at me. I cleared my throat and looked away from him. I walked into the kitchen and not only could I feel everyone’s eyes on me, but I could feel Travis following me.

I turned around, and of course he was right behind me. “Hey you okay?” he asked quietly.

I could feel my cheeks heat up, and I knew they were bright red. “Yeah, I’m fine,” I whispered. “Let’s talk later . . . when everyone isn’t staring at us.”

He laughed and then not so quietly said, “Oh, come on. We’re all family, right guys?”

Everyone around the room laughed. “Yup.” And “Yes.” were heard from all over.

Then Sarah’s sarcastic “Sure we are.” Stung my ears. Great.

I gritted my teeth and quietly ground out, “Travis, I swear . . . I’m going to punch you where you don’t want me to.” The smile faded from his face because I’m certain he knew I was telling the truth. He backed up and I walked down the hall to the bathroom.

A little while later, we pulled up to the apartment in Travis’s truck. I jumped out, and before I could get to the back seat, Travis was already gently unbuckling Charlotte and laying her sleepy head on his shoulder. I glared at him. “Travis, you are not staying the night.”

He laughed. “You said she would be up all night. She looks and feels pretty asleep to me.”

I glared again and let out a breath. “That’s because she is in a sugar coma, but she will wake up tonight, either with a tummy ache or with massive amounts of random energy.”

He shrugged his shoulders and walked towards the stairs. “Then I’ll stay the night and take care of her since I’m the one who caused it.”

I blew out a breath of frustration. “Fine, but you’re sleeping on the floor.” He nodded his head. “I’m serious, Trav.”

He smiled back at me with his boyish grin, which I knew worked on other girls, but not on me. “I know.”

I laid in bed, which, because it was a one-bedroom and I gave it to Charlotte, was a pull-out couch in the living room. Usually I had no problem with this, except tonight I was extremely aware of my late husband’s half-naked best friend, who was sleeping maybe ten feet away on the floor in my hall. I was just about to fall asleep when I heard Charlotte start moaning. I shot up and began getting up when I heard Travis’s soft whisper on the baby monitor.

“Lotte, it’s okay baby girl, I’m here.” I sat back down and listened. “What’s wrong? Your tummy hurts? I’m sorry, Princess. Uncky Travey shouldn’t have let you eat so much pie. Yes, bad Uncky.” I giggled, guessing at what she was most likely saying back to him. “I’ll get you some water and then how about I rub your tummy?” The next thing I heard was the sink turn on in the kitchen.

I laid down and let my thoughts drift to where they always did at night.
Charles laid next to me and gently caressed my cheek. I leaned into him and smiled at how loved I felt.
If only these thoughts, these memories, could be real.
I miss you so much, Charles. So much.

Suddenly, I felt the bed dip and I was surrounded by warmth. I opened my eyes and turned my head to see Travis spooning me. His arm was around my waist, just like Charles used to hold me. Except with Travis, this felt purely platonic. I looked up into Travis’s eyes in the soft light of the nightlight by my bed. His hazel eyes looked heavy and concerned. He gently wiped a tear from my cheek, and my hand flew to my face.
I was crying?
I had no idea.

“Lotte’s fast asleep . . . but you must’ve had a nightmare. You’ve been crying for a while. I couldn’t take it anymore. Let me hold you, please?” I nodded my head and laid back down.

Travis was warm and soft. It was nice to be held again, but God did I miss the passion that usually followed this. As if he read my mind, Travis gently ran his fingers across my arm. I didn’t feel any sense of desire but I liked his comforting touch. I felt a small, gentle, wet kiss on my neck and I lifted my chin back. Travis’s hand went from my hip to sprawl out on my stomach as he rained kisses on my neck. Suddenly, he flipped me over and after staring into my eyes, he claimed my mouth with his. I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about this since I had no desire, but at the same time, I had no desire to stop him either. I was in a weird limbo. I had never been with anyone but Charles, and I had never kissed anyone I didn’t love until Travis. Is this what it felt like when people had one night stands with people they didn’t care about? Because, God, were they missing out.

As quickly as his lips were on mine, they were off again. Travis shot up and flew off the bed. I sat up a little and looked up at him, feeling panicked that something was wrong. “What?” Travis ran his fingers through his hair as he paced in a small circle. “Travis,” I said low.

He shook his head and then sat next to me on the bed. “Meg, I am so sorry. I shouldn’t—we shouldn’t have . . . ”

I sighed loudly, letting out my frustration. “Yeah, I know.” And then I felt a sudden pain of guilt remembering my realization that Sarah had feelings for Travis.
Jeez, Megan, get a hold of yourself
.

Travis sighed as he took my hand in his. “You deserve more. Charles would want you to have more. You haven’t been with anyone since Charles, and the next time should be with . . . your next husband, and I—I just don’t think that’s me.”

In response to my silence, Travis pulled his hand from mine and ran it over his face. I gently put my hand on his and placed it on my lap. “Maybe not,” I said, “but I still care for you and you care for me.” He nodded. “Okay, then just lay here with me?” He gave me a hard glare. I rolled my eyes and smiled up at him. “Lay down and I’ll just lay on your chest. Please?” Travis nodded again and did as I asked. I fell into an easy sleep with him holding me.

It was Sunday, and our days were going by quickly. I would be starting work before I knew it, and I was looking forward to the distraction from my thoughts. I buttoned up my white, short-sleeve blouse and then pulled on my brown slacks. I slipped my checkered flats onto my feet and adjusted my hair in the mirror. I took a deep breath and willed myself to be strong. It was the first Sunday that I was going back to church. Not just any Church, but Charles’s church, the one he grew up in, the one where everyone knew him well. I talked Travis into taking me to Charles’s gravestone after the service. I needed to see it. I needed the closure. My hands shook and my throat felt dry. I was consumed with a concoction of emotions.

I felt like I was growing closer with Charles at the same time that I was letting go of him. It was a strange feeling, but it felt right. It felt like I was finally alive again and it was time. I listened to Lotte playing dolls in her room and smiled at myself. Her voice was a small reminder of the ways Charles still lived.

I hadn’t been back to the church or the gravestone since the day I buried my husband, but today was the day. Travis came back every year on Charles’s birthday, which was right after Thanksgiving, and visited his grave stone. He would always put me on speakerphone when he did, and I would just sit in silence. This wouldn’t be like that. I wouldn’t be far away, capable of pretending like it never happened. Yes, today was the day. Today I was going to face a fear of mine, one that had already come to life but hadn’t yet been fully real. I was going to face the fact that Charles wasn’t, nor would he ever, be physically here with me.

Today, I would visit the stone that stood above the empty grave and I would face the reality head-on for the first time in three years. Charles wasn’t in the ground. His bones may be, but he wasn’t. I couldn’t ever believe that. I had never been a very spiritual person, not until I met Charles. Charles’s love made me see how God’s love could be real. His presence made me feel God’s presence. This is why I couldn’t and wouldn’t believe that when Charles’s body quit his soul quit too. It was too strong to ever do that. So today I would let go of the thought of Charles physically being here and I would cling onto the hope that somehow he was all around me.

Charles was always convinced that love itself was magic. That is, it had powers just like the ones we saw in fairytales growing up. I remembered chuckling at the big, tall, strong soldier speaking such soft, beautiful words like
magic
and
love
. Charles never shared his thoughts with anyone else, not to the detail he shared with me. He would be too embarrassed to, but he was never that way with me. He had strong belief in the magic of love, that it could do things, things that we call miracles. Maybe, just maybe, he was right. I had hope that he was, and if he was . . . then that meant that his love would never leave Charlotte and me. It meant that his love was able to carry through time, through space and through worlds. This is what I know Charles counted on when he jumped in front of Calvin to save his life, when he laid down his life for another. I know it, and today it was what I counted on.

I shook my hands a little as I let out a breath. Warmth carried over me in a wave and I smiled.
There you are.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.
I love you, Charles.
I walked into Charlotte’s room and smiled at her blonde curls that fell over her beautiful floral dress. “You look beautiful, Princess.”

She jumped up and down. “We see Uncky Travey?”

I laughed. “Yup, we will.”

She squealed. “Yay, me like hims.”

I nodded. “I know, baby.”

Twenty minutes later, I pulled up into the church parking lot in Charles’s Bronco, which—thank the Lord—was finally repaired. It felt important having his Bronco back here at his childhood church. I put the Bronco in park and the engine kicked, almost like a sigh at its return home. This Bronco had been Charles’s since before he could drive. Travis said the truck had seen things that would never be told, things that he would take to his grave. I smiled at the thought of my good Charles ever being a rule breaker, and then I looked up at the brick building. A tight pinch formed in my chest. Charlotte continued to play with the doll I let her bring along and was oblivious to my minor freak out.

I took a deep breath as that tightening became worse. I began to unbuckle my seatbelt when a knock came from my glass window, and I practically jumped out of my seat. I looked out to see Travis’s worried face. I hopped out, and before I could get to her, Travis already had Charlotte in his arms.

“Hey, my Princesses,” He said, soft and low.

“Hey,” Charlotte and I both said in unison.

As we walked up the walkway, Travis grabbed my hand. Normally, I would reject his PDA. However, I was more nervous than a cat in a dog park. I really needed his comfort right now. Travis had become my best friend over the last two and half years, and although things were a little confusing right now, that is all that his hand holding meant. Before Charles, before the new me . . . When I was a child, SJ would do this for me. It was a gesture that I was comfortable with. For what felt like the hundredth time since I moved here, I shook the thought of the first boy I’d ever loved out of my head.

Twenty minutes later, I nervously bounced my leg up and down. Travis placed his firm hand on my knee, and I looked up at him with a smile. He leaned in. “Just breathe.” I nodded as Charlotte danced around in front of us with her dolls.

The Pastor came up and introduced Charlotte and me after announcing that the service would be in remembrance of Charles. Then he asked everyone to cross isles and say good morning. A flood of all fifty church-goers, half being Travis’s and Charles’s families, came and said good morning. I nodded, smiled, shook hands, hugged back and even returned a couple of kisses on cheeks.

Travis’s dad gave both Charlotte and me huge hugs and kisses on our cheeks. “You girls look gorgeous, as always.”

I smiled. “Aw. Thanks, Frank, you’re looking good yourself.” He nodded with a soft smile and went back to his seat. Frank and I had bonded the handful of times he visited us in North Carolina.

I returned to my seat and the entire time I sat, I fought the urge to throw up and run away. Travis must have sensed that I was uneasy because he grabbed my hand at some point. It was probably the worst time not to care what others thought, especially with Frank looking over and smiling wider than I was comfortable with, but I needed his hand to steady me as much as a fish needed water. After worship, the kids went to Sunday school, and my heart ached as I watched my only connection to Charles walk through those doors.

The service was beautiful and talked about acts of Love. The pastor read passages from the bible, including the one that I know most likely ran through Charles’s mind, right before he died—John 15:13 “Greater love hath no man than this; that a man lay down his life for his friends.” I couldn’t help but smile weakly as a tear slipped from my eyes. That was my Charles. It hurt and felt good at the same time. I was heartbroken and proud all at once, which was sometimes unbearably painful. Today it felt right, like time had gently healed some of the wounds and I was able to smile about it.

The pastor spoke of the ultimate act of love that is mentioned in John 15:13 and how Charles was honorable until his dying breath. I took a deep breath and slightly turned my head. When my eyes caught a glimpse of a familiar face, I turned around more and spotted Cal and Emerson sitting in the back. They must have slipped in after worship. I gave them a slight smile without showing teeth, not wanting to look too happy. Emerson waved gently and Cal winked. I turned around, and at my weak sigh Travis squeezed my hand. I squeezed it back. I truly appreciated Cal and Emerson coming today. Seeing them there made me feel more comfort than I could ever explain.

I know it was hard for Calvin to be here, Emerson too. I can’t imagine how they felt, but I never wanted either one to feel guilty. Calvin deserved his life, he deserved to live. Emerson deserved to have Cal and his love. Charles made a choice, and it was a choice that made him who he was to his core. Although I would like to have my husband back, I would never take away any decision that he made, especially not one made out of love. I loved Charles for who he was. Who he was pre-determined him to push Calvin out of the way of the RPG and place himself there instead. It was one of the many qualities that made me fall for the man.

After the service, I was given more hugs and kisses and told to call anytime by everyone and their mom, literally. When I got back to Cal and Emerson, I hugged them both and whispered in their ears. “Thank you.”

They both smiled and kissed my cheek. “Anytime.” Then they walked out, hand in hand. I knew Calvin still struggled with Charles’s death and with demons that haunted him from many deployments. His being here today took much more strength than many had. It took true bravery. Then again, that was who
Calvin was to his core, so I wasn’t truly surprised—more honored.

As soon as I was alone in the bathroom, I took a deep breath and blew it back out. This day was going to kill me. I was so lost lately, and today I was finally starting to feel found again. It was like a painful cleansing that I needed, a detox that my soul craved. As the day wore on, I felt worse and better all at once. For the first time since Charles died I felt like myself, like the version of myself that I wanted to be. I felt strong. I looked in the mirror and fixed my mascara that was starting to smudge from both happy and sad tears.

Travis and I picked up Charlotte from Sunday school, and she came running into my arms with a paper whale craft. “Mommy, I make whale!”

I smiled. “I see that, baby, it’s beautiful!”

She nodded in agreement as Jules came up from behind her. “BOO!” Charlotte jumped and giggled. “Hey, baby, you ready to come play? We’re going to swim!”

Charlotte clapped her hands. “Yay! But mommy pick me up in a little bit.”

I laughed. “Yes, sweetheart, I will pick you up in a little bit.”

She crossed her arms and nodded. “And Uncky Travey.”

Jules made a face like she was trying to not to laugh, and Travis cleared his throat. “Yes.”

Charlotte nodded again and then kissed my cheek. “Love you, bye!”

I shook my head as I stood up and waved. “Bye, love you!”

Jules waved. “Take your time, we are going to have a blast!”

I nodded and then felt Travis’s hand in mine again. I looked at our hands and then up at his face. He looked completely oblivious to my glare, so I slowly took my hand back. That got his attention, because he gave me a slight glare back and then cleared his throat again. “Ready?”

I nodded and then, as I walked down the hall, I was stopped breathless. On my right side, and now staring right at me, was a huge portrait of Charles. Travis stopped. “Thought you should see this.” I nodded as I lightly ran my hand over the engraved plaque. It was him at his graduation from Special Forces training. I know, because I had taken it, and someone had painted it beautifully.

I placed my hand on the cross around my neck, the one Charles gave me, and caught my breath. Travis stayed a few feet back, sensing my need for space this time. Charles’s beautiful green eyes were staring right into my soul, the sun was reflecting off of his face, and his smile was just as breathtaking as it had always been. I had stared at pictures of him time and time again—this exact one many times—but this was the first time that he looked alive again. The painting brought him back to life, just for a moment. The tears pushed at the back of my eyes and I swallowed them back. I glided my hand over the small silver plaque below the painting again as I read it.

Charles Jon Maxwell. November 29,1987 - December 15,2012

Loving Husband, Father, Son, Brother, Soldier and Friend. Brave Warrior of God.

Joshua 1:9, John 15:13

I swallowed back my tears again and then felt a solid hand on my shoulder. I looked back into Travis’s soft eyes. “It’s going to get harder.” I nodded, unable to speak. “We don’t need to do it all today.” He whispered.

I shook my head. “It’s time, Travis.” Our eyes locked, and in that moment it felt like I was talking about more than just this moment, but I wasn’t exactly sure what. Travis nodded and put his hand out to me. I looked into Charles’s painted eyes one last time and then took Travis’s hand.

The hot summer air surrounded me, but luckily today there was light breeze that blew through my hair and kissed my face. It felt like more than just the wind, and I decided I would let myself believe that it was. I closed my eyes and embraced the feeling on my face. As I walked down the dirt path to Charles’s grave, I felt like I traveled back in time to the first and last time I was here. Back to when we brought Charles’s body here almost three years previous. Travis walked behind me a couple of feet and let me walk in silence. I appreciated that, because I was seconds away from spilling my tears.

The cemetery was scattered with crosses and family plots. Large oak trees shaded the graves with their massive branches. I spotted the small, gray stone that I had seen once three years ago and a couple of times on my phone from pictures Travis would send me when he was here. The first time, I had only glanced at it. The other times, I stared at them on my phone for hours until I deleted them. The first time I was still in shock and unable to fully process anything, and after that a picture of it was all I could handle. Now I was face to face with the reality, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.