Authors: Tiffany Reisz
“The best in the business.”
“You know there are two things you have to consider here, Eleanor,” he said, patting the back of her head. “First of all, maybe he didn’t know he had that diamond, as you call it, until he had his son. I’ve known many a man who swore up and down he didn’t want children until he became a father. Then overnight he becomes a new man. You’re imagining he kept a secret from you. You have to admit he might not have known the secret himself. The heart’s a labyrinth, even our own hearts, even to us.”
“I hadn’t considered that.”
“You also have to consider that the reason Marcus never told you about his desire to have children wasn’t because he knew you’d say no. There’s a good chance he didn’t ask you because he thought maybe…maybe you would say yes.”
She sat up and looked at him. “He thought I might say yes?”
“It’s not out of the realm of possibility for a woman in love with a man to change her mind about having children. It happens all the time. And what would have happened if you’d agreed to have his child? What would he have done?”
“He would have left the priesthood,” she said. “The day I told him I was pregnant, he would have called the bishop.”
“Of course he would have.”
“He doesn’t want to leave the priesthood or the Jesuits. He’s never wanted to leave.”
Ballard nodded. “Whether he wants to admit it or not, Marcus is a human being. And human beings often want things they can’t have. A man wants to lose weight, but he also wants to eat ice cream. A woman who wants to marry also wants to run from relationships because she’s afraid of turning into her mother. A man who wants to be a priest also wants to marry and have children—”
“He did have a child.”
“With a married woman. He wouldn’t leave the Church to marry a woman who was already married. No reason to leave the Church, right?”
“After we found out about Fionn, after Zach told us, I asked Søren about that night with Grace and what happened. All he said was, ‘Little One, please believe me, I was meant to do this.’ And I believed him. When I held Fionn in my arms I knew it was true. He was meant to be that boy’s father. Why, I don’t know and I don’t care. But he was.”
“I’m old school where children are concerned,” Ballard said. “I think every child is part of God’s plan. But maybe this little boy—this miracle as you call him—maybe he’s a very special part of the plan.”
A fresh tear ran down her cheek. She started to wipe it away with the back of her hand, and he handed her a tissue from his stash.
“Thank you,” she said, dabbing her eyes, once more the duchess, no more the troubled teenaged girl.
“You’re welcome. We all need a good cry every now and then. I had one myself just this morning.”
“Did you stub your soul too?”
“I looked in the mirror without bracing myself.”
“Hush, you’re very handsome.”
“What did I say about flirting with me?”
“Sorry, sorry.” She held the tissue in her hand. Her eyes were bright green, incandescent from her tears. “He did it to protect me. That’s all.”
“That’s all it is,” Stuart said. “But you can still be hurt by it. You should forgive him, though. His intentions were good.”
“They were. They always are where I’m concerned. I’ll forgive him, I promise. Once I get up the courage to confess to him I looked through his Bible.”
“Good luck with that. He still scares the shite out of me.”
“Oh, no, he doesn’t.”
“He doesn’t, but don’t tell him that. It’ll hurt his little feelings.”
“You’re a very good priest,” she said. “I’m glad we finally got to meet. He speaks very highly of you.”
“Not so fast. You still haven’t given me a real sin yet. I can’t wrap this thing up until you do. It’s not reconciliation until I’ve absolved and reconciled you.”
“We went over everything. I have committed no mortal sins.”
“Make something up then!”
“Um…” She held up her hands. “Come on, Nora, you make up stuff or a living. Wait. I got it. Daniel Craig.”
“The actor?”
“Yes, him. James Bond. He’s married.”
“He is.”
“I want to fuck him.”
“Well, who doesn’t? He shows up in half the confessions I hear.”
“Doesn’t Jesus say that if you look upon someone and lust after them in your heart, you’ve committed adultery?”
“He does, yes. But we’re fairly certain lust means you’d do it if given the opportunity. Simple sexual attraction doesn’t count as lust.”
“It’s not simple sexual attraction. I’d steal him from his wife, and we’d run away to Italy and live together in a crumbling Tuscan palazzo, and we’d leave the world behind, and it would be nothing but wine and food and sex until we ate ourselves, drank ourselves, and fucked ourselves to death. Now that’s lust. But more importantly, it’s adultery.”
“That
is
adultery. Excellent. Well done.”
“So you can absolve me?”
“I will the second you tell me who we’re really talking about.” He raised his eyebrows at her and waited.
“You’re good,” she said. “Very good.”
“I’ve had a lot of practice seeing through masks. Take off yours.”
“Zach,” she said with a heavy sigh. “Grace’s husband. My editor. I still have feelings for him. Very strong feelings that make me tempted to do things I shouldn’t do.”
“You and Marcus have a complicated relationship with this couple, don’t you?”
“Understatement of the century. And it doesn’t help that I traded Grace a night with Søren for a week with Zach. She ended up with a child. I ended up with a…I don’t know, a dream of what could have been. And the man is ridiculously so good at anal.”
“Eleanor.”
“An ass-master, I swear. He’s better than Nico and Søren and they’re both fantastic. Every night for a week. I couldn’t walk, but I was happy.”
“You’re trying to give me a heart attack. That’s not nice.”
“Sorry. Sorry.” She raised her hands in surrender. “I had to get that out.”
“I think you keep as many secrets from him as he keeps from you.”
“Yeah, but I only keep the secrets that would…”
“Hurt his little feelings?” Stuart finished her thought for her.
“Damn, you
are
a good priest.”
He blew on his nails and brushed them on his cassock. That got another laugh at her.
“Father, I love Søren and Nico. I’m in love with them. I don’t want to feel this way about someone else. What do I do?”
“First you have to see your feelings for what they are, not what you think they are. What happened that week with Zach that sticks with you? And not the…you know.”
“The sex,” she said.
“That. You said that week with this Zach gentleman left you with ‘a dream of what could have been.’ What’s that dream?”
“That week is the week I met Nico. It was right after we found out about Fionn. That week with Zach in France was the last…I don’t know, the last easy week of my life.”
“Easy? How so?”
“When I met Nico, he fell in lust with me. Has a thing for older women.”
“I used to. Then I turned 81. Now I can’t find any older women. But tell your boy I approve of his tastes.”
“I absolutely will. Anyway…Kingsley’s son, Nico. That was hard after meeting him, knowing that he was going to complicate my life. Complicate it even more. Wes made things difficult, but at least we lived on the same continent. That week with Zach was the last week before everything changed. I keep going back to it in my mind, living there, wishing we’d had more time, wishing I could stop time and stay in France longer. Not forever. Forever belongs to Søren. Just longer. I love my life but it’s not easy being in love with two men in two different counties. Why couldn’t Nico have been Canadian or Mexican? He had to be French? Really? So unfair.”
“I suppose I don’t have to tell you, of all people, that life isn’t fair?”
“Nope.”
“You say that was the last week before everything changed, before everything got harder,” Ballard said. “Isn’t it possible that what you’re lusting for is not the man but the life you were living before meeting Nico? That and…”
He punched the air and she nodded. She caught his drift.
“By your own choosing, you have two lovers—and one of your lovers has another lover of his own
and
a child. You enjoy that life. You chose that life. But you know better than I do that it’s a hard life, “ he said. “You’re not merely lusting after a married man. You’re lusting for a life you can’t have—a simple life.
Simpler,
anyway.”
“That’s a big part of it. Maybe the biggest part.”
“The great heartache of my life was discovering this truth—there is no such thing as a simple life. We all want it, all seek it. It doesn’t exist, Eleanor. Not on this side of Heaven. I’m a man without a wife, without children. I don’t pay my own bills. I have a guaranteed roof over my head until my dying breath. I have my health and nothing to worry about, and even I don’t lead a simple life. You can’t have a simple life with a wild heart like yours. The simple life is a mirage. It’s like a perfectly clean and polished wine glass. And you want that pristine chalice, but the second you reach out and pick it up, it’s covered in your fingerprints. It’s only clean until it’s yours, then it’s dirty. That’s the simple life. It’s simple until you show up and start using it.”
“I know you’re right,” she said. “But the desire’s still there. Such a beautiful mirage. It’s hard not to look at it when I’m on the plane to France leaving Søren and America behind, and I know I only have four weeks with Nico before I’m back again. And I already miss Søren and I already miss Nico.”
“Steal him then. Your Zach. If you tried, could you steal him?”
“I’m Nora Fucking Sutherlin. You bet your ass I could.”
Stuart laughed. He did love a woman with moxie.
“What’s stopping you then?” he asked.
“My conscience?”
“You sure about that?”
“No.”
“What’s stopping you then?” he repeated, more slowly this time, letting the words hit her one at a time.
“Because I’d have to give up Nico and Søren.”
“And you don’t want to.”
“No. I don’t want to. My life is harder. But it’s better,” she said. “So much better than it was before…”
“There’s your answer.”
“And yet the fantasy remains.”
“Well, I still fantasize sometimes about getting married and having babies, and I’m 81 and a Jesuit. Wonder if Marcus ever has that fantasy? The simple life?”
“I’m sure he does,” Eleanor said.
“I’m sure he does, too. You think that’s what that photograph is? A small glimpse into his dream of a simpler life?”
“I’m sure it is,” she said. “But he wouldn’t choose it anymore than I would. And yet you still dream…”
“Exactly. Human nature,” Ballard said.
“What are you going to do?”
The question was rhetorical. He answered it anyway. “I’m going to absolve you, dear girl. That’s what I’m going to do.”
“Finally.” She held up her hand, and he slapped it in a high five. “Absolve me good and hard, Father Ballard. This adulterous harlot needs it.”
“You promise you feel contrite about your sinful urges?”
“I do. I really do. I’m trying to be a good girl these days. My only two lovers are Søren and Nico. No more married guys, especially not ones raising small children. No more drama. I fuck a priest and I fuck my priest’s lover’s son and that’s as drama-free as this bitch gets.”
“This is the strangest confession I’ve ever heard in my life, and that includes all of Marcus’s various and sundry perversions.”
She winked at him. “You’re welcome.”
“Any other sins we’ve missed? Anything you didn’t confess to Marcus?”
“I got Dairy Queen on Ash Wednesday.”
“Now that’s a mortal sin if I’ve ever heard one. Go on. Say your Act of Contrition…”
“Lord God, I am sorry for my sins. I am. I have sinned against you and against your Church. Forgive me for my sins and lead me with your grace and love.”
“God the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of your son, you have reconciled the world to yourself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins. May God grant you pardon and peace. And I absolve you of your sins, in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,” he said as he made the sign of the cross in front of her and she crossed herself accordingly. “Amen.”
“Amen,” she said.
“Feel better?”
“I like the prayer of absolution better in Latin.”
“Out of my confessional, you bewitching temptress. And give me my Jolly Rancher back. Cherry is my favorite.”
She popped it in her mouth.
“Jezebel,” he said, shaking his head.
“Thank you, Father.” She held out her hand to shake and instead he kissed the back of it as gallantly as an old man with a touch of palsy was able.
“You’re good for him, and I’m glad he has you,” he whispered. “But don’t ever tell anyone I said that.”
She gave him a tiny smile. “Our little secret,” she whispered.
She started for the door and then stopped. “Wait. Penance. Are you giving me any penance?”
“Penance? You? His lover? My dear Eleanor—you love a priest. The sin itself carries its own penance.”
She laughed and it was such a laugh he knew her soul was healed.
“Shouldn’t you at least tell me to go forth and sin no more?” she asked, leaning in to hug him goodbye.
“Why on Earth would I do that?” he asked, wrapping his arms around her and enjoying the feel of a beautiful woman’s body against his. No sin there. And if there was, it was only venial. “This is the most fun I’ve had in years.”
T
his conversation was conducted
by book reviewer Cyndy Aleo on January 22, 2016 via Skype chat. It has been edited for clarity, errors, and length. Insertions and explanations of terminology and abbreviations are in brackets.
TIFFANY:
Hello? Is it me you’re looking for?
CYNDY:
Hello from the other side.
TIFFANY:
Hello! How are you? That’s not a song, by the way, just a real question.
CYNDY:
LOL. Good! How are you?
TIFFANY:
Very good. Can you introduce yourself to the readers?
CYNDY:
Lapsed book reviewer, lapsed Catholic, Tiffany acolyte?
TIFFANY:
Perfect! [Cyndy is possibly the biggest fan of
The Angel
on the planet.] I’m ready when you are!
CYNDY:
READY.
TIFFANY:
HIT ME.
CYNDY:
So the first topic I wanted to talk about is Søren’s kinks.
TIFFANY:
He would say, “Kink. Singular.” He might be kidding himself.
CYNDY:
Pretty much every book with Nora and Søren together has made me light-headed at some point, even when it’s felt like you were working down my personal [kinky] checklist.
TIFFANY:
Bad lightheaded, I assume? As in I crossed a boundary with you?
CYNDY:
How do you figure out where to draw that line with him each time? How does HE? With Nora [that is]. We know there isn’t really a line with King—more of a guideline.
TIFFANY:
I wish I could say I was really thoughtful and contemplative when writing kink scenes, but usually all I’m doing is getting into that character’s head and doing what I think they’d enjoy. So if the character isn’t worried about crossing a line, then I’m not either.
CYNDY:
Obviously I’m not vanilla, and GOD KNOWS I have read some filthy things…but you really take things to an edge. For instance, in
The Queen
, the first Nora/Søren scene is Daddy Kink in a D/s relationship where Søren—both in the novels and in some reader response—has been occasionally accused of “grooming.” That is right the hell to the edge with pin-wheeling arms.
TIFFANY:
I’m picturing your arms pin-wheeling and it’s amusing me very much.
With Søren, I’ve never written in his point of view so I can’t speak as authoritatively as I can with other characters...but he is a man who understands pain AND suffering. I think his line is, “Pain, but not suffering.”
The Daddy Kink scene in
The Queen
exists because A) I always wanted to write [Daddy play] and B) I know Nora would enjoy doing it. And if Nora would enjoy it, Søren would want to do that with her and for her. The same way you give your partner a back rub for your partner and not for you. So yeah, you enjoy making your partner feel good but it’s your partner getting the back rub, not you. So the Daddy play scene was Søren rubbing Nora’s, um...back.
Yeah, let’s go with back.
One other thing that happens when I write is that if my brain starts to light up and I start to write REALLY REALLY fast I know I’m onto something. I know it’ll freak out some readers (mainly my husband) but other readers will LOVE it. And I’d rather get a strong love AND hate response than a tepid “that was nice” response.
CYNDY:
A three-star review is death. You never want meh.
TIFFANY:
Never ever. Better a one-star review. I’ve sold a lot of books because of some one-star reviews of
The Siren.
CYNDY:
So [getting back to grooming] you really don’t think, for instance, “Hey, this is a character who’s been accused of ephebophilia [sexual interest in mid- to late-adolescents] by both a character or two as well as a reader or two? Maaaaaybe the Daddy Kink is taking it a bit too far?”
TIFFANY:
Nah. I probably SHOULD think about that stuff but I don’t. The thing is that I write for adults and what I write for adults is the “forbidden love” trope. Classic trope. Goes back to the beginning of literature. Lancelot and Queen Guinevere were a forbidden-love trope story. So if you write forbidden love and you read forbidden love you’re going to get characters doing things they absolutely should not do in the real world. Fun to read? Yes. Fun to experience in real life? Probably not.
CYNDY:
So in that light, do you ever think you HAVE gone too far? Does your editor ever say something like, “OMG, Tiffany, this King/Søren scene in
The Prince
is seriously dub-con [dubious consent] and this is Not Okay.”
TIFFANY:
I’m trying to think if I ever thought I went too far? Hmmm...I wish I could say yes. But my editor has pulled me back a time or two. And usually it’s the stuff I never thought would bother her that bothers her. Example: I had a tiny little bit of snowballing in
The Prince
and she was like NO! SAFE WORD! CUT! (To readers who do not know what snowballing is, it’s when Partner A ejaculates into the mouth of Partner B and then Partner B kisses Partner A and gives Partner A their semen back.)
CYNDY:
OMG, really?
TIFFANY:
And I did because she usually lets me get away with murder.
CYNDY:
If you saved that scene, feel free to email it to me…for science.
TIFFANY:
[But] there is dubious consent in
The Prince
in those scenes that take place in the past. No denying it. But I like reading dub-con and I like writing it and my readers are (or should be) adults. And I do believe two very troubled teenaged boys who are exploring their kinks under those circumstances [at an all boys school in the middle of nowhere isolated from friends and family] would cross boundaries with each other. You try to achieve psychological accuracy and believability with fictional characters and often it’s not very pretty.
CYNDY:
I think that’s what’s always drawn me to your books. You walk that tightrope SO well of, “Okay, this is seriously going right to the point of where I’d DNF [Did Not Finish]” but it just puts, like, a toenail on that line.
TIFFANY:
I love straddling the line. It’s where art lives. And people love having their buttons pushed. That’s why we ride roller coasters.
CYNDY:
The scenes I think I was closest to having to put the books down are that [dub-con] scene in
The Prince
and, yes, the Daddy Kink. Where I’m saying out loud as I’m reading, “No, she’s not. She’s not... OMG, she is.”
TIFFANY:
SHE IS. My editor DID NOT like the Daddy Kink scene in
The Queen
and I fought for it. Glad I did though because I had a lot of great reactions to it from readers. When one reader tells you that you wrote her most forbidden fantasy and a reviewer says, “I get Daddy play now and I never did before,” then I felt like I made the right choice. And honestly, I thought that scene was so freaking hot to write. TMI? Don’t care.
CYNDY:
Which is what makes this series so amazing. Like, after
The Siren
, I remember our mutual friend [name redacted] going, “But you don’t read [this type of stuff]…or this...or this...” and me saying I KNOW BUT YOU HAVE TO [READ THIS].
TIFFANY:
Thank you! I love when readers read despite themselves. Like I do NOT read World War II books so if you catch me reading one, you know it’s amazing.
CYNDY:
Because it does walk that line, and the reactions of the characters to the scenes are so authentic and the fallout of those to-the-edge scenes... I have no words. Ever.
TIFFANY:
I try. It helps that I’m kinky and I’m a Switch so I have felt what they’ve all felt at one point or another.
I love moral conundrums. One came up recently after the great David Bowie died. A woman wrote a blog post about how she lost her virginity to David Bowie in the ‘70s when she was about 14 or 15, and she loved the experience and considers it a very positive experience.
CYNDY:
OMG. I missed that post. I think I’m glad I did.
TIFFANY:
What do we do when someone says they enjoyed and consented to something society and the law says they cannot enjoy and cannot consent to? We say a 15-year-old girl doesn’t have the sexual agency to consent to sex with an adult man but now she is an adult woman and says she was not sexually assaulted and considers it a good experience. Do we take her agency away from her as an adult woman by telling her what she feels and believes is wrong?
I don’t know the answer. That’s why I write these books. Not because I want to know the answer, but because I want to explore the question.
CYNDY:
Which was why I DID recommend
The Siren
to so many people even with so many of the usual things I don’t read. Are some kids at 15 okay to have a relationship with adults? Probably. But we legislate because we can’t assume maturity levels at a given age.
TIFFANY:
Just a note to readers: All my books are beta read by women with teenage children. (A beta reader is someone, usually another professional author, who reads a book before it gets published and gives the author feedback.) So all the sex in the book is run by an actual parent of actual teenagers. Not that that makes it okay, just saying I do get a parental POV before I publish anything [that includes teenagers].
CYNDY:
And Michael was a unique case.
TIFFANY:
EXACTLY. And let me pause and just go...Mick! I love that kid. Anywho, back to the discussion.
CYNDY:
The character who’s always been bigger for me in the books than even Søren... (Cyndy waits while Tiffany blinks and wonders where she’s going.)
TIFFANY:
Where are you going, Cyndy?
CYNDY:
The Church.
TIFFANY:
A-ha! The Roman Catholic Church. Yup, there is no Original Sinners [series] without the Church.
CYNDY:
So, Søren (like you) is a convert. Mick and Nora are cradle Catholics, with Mick originally let down by the Church, and Nora returning to the Church. And then Kingsley has an adversarial relationship the entire time with Catholicism. [“Cradle Catholic” refers to someone born to Catholic parents, raised in the Catholic Church who likely also attended Catholic schools. Tiffany is an adult convert to the Roman Catholic Church, not a cradle Catholic.] For starters, how much does Søren’s faith journey parallel your own?
TIFFANY:
Søren’s faith journey is something I really want to explore more. I’ve written ABOUT it, but I haven’t written IT yet. Although I want to.
Side note, I’ve talked to my editor about writing a book with 14-year-old Søren converting [to Catholicism] and deciding to become a priest, and she said she’d love to read that. But back to the convo here...
My faith journey is nothing like Søren’s. Luckily he and I have almost nothing in common. I had a good childhood for example and the Catholic Church was my father’s church and my grandparents’. It just wasn’t my mom’s, ergo I didn’t go to the Catholic Church growing up. I became a Christian in college and then read a lot of Philip Yancey who turned me on to G.K. Chesterton who turned me Catholic. Chesterton will do that. So Catholicism was an intellectual journey for me and a way of me connecting with my father’s family.
Meanwhile Søren...he was adrift on a dangerous sea and the Jesuits were his lifeboat.
CYNDY:
And yet you were in a Protestant seminary and then went to Catholicism...
TIFFANY:
Right. I went to a Methodist seminary and while there I did more reading of the Church Fathers, etc., and really felt that eventually I would convert to Catholicism. And I did. I was 32, I think...? Søren was 14. So very different journeys.
CYNDY:
Is it the same kind of thing for Søren as a problem child heading off to boot camp and becoming a career officer? Jesuits are pretty hardcore.
TIFFANY:
I think that’s a great analogy. Jesuits are known as “God’s Army” and “God’s Marines” and “God’s soldiers.” I’m 99 percent certain the discipline along with the caring combined to make joining their ranks very attractive to him.
Also, his father shit a brick when he did it and God knows that was probably a big deciding factor too. Not even Søren is immune to the desire to rebel against a parent.
CYNDY:
And yet you gave all these other characters so many different ways of interacting with and feeling about the Church. How much of a conscious decision was that?
TIFFANY:
It would have been intellectually dishonest if I hadn’t done that. First of all, there are GREAT reasons to hate the Catholic Church. I’ve dated too many atheists and agnostics to pretend those reasons don’t exist. And I know too much about the sexual abuse in the clergy to ignore those reasons.
CYNDY:
That was so key.
TIFFANY:
So it was a very conscious decision to include detractors of the Catholic Church. And I’ve been there. I probably would have called myself an agnostic in high school. Any big huge group of men telling people, especially women, how to behave will raise my hackles.
CYNDY:
And honestly, at least in my experience, there has always been a chasm between cradle Catholics and converts, yet you seemed to develop these characters who totally GOT the issues those of us who left have, and those of us who have questioned.
TIFFANY:
That’s the great fun of being a writer, is getting to crawl inside the souls of so many different people, people I may have nothing in common with.
CYNDY:
Which is so ironic to me, because high school was when I was thumping my Bible and quoting Scripture.
TIFFANY:
And here I am a churchgoer and you quit the Church (for very good reasons, I might add). We are proof God has a sense of humor. I’ll believe that to my dying day.
CYNDY:
I think that was what drew me so much to King—he hates the Church. For more than just taking Søren from him?
TIFFANY:
King hates the Church for a lot of reasons. He’s a rebel. Born rebel. Don’t tell him what to do. Don’t tell him how to behave. He hates politicians too. Anyone who moralizes will get the stink-eye from King.
And he’s of the “what a waste” school of thought when it comes to Søren. It’s like when you hear someone has gone gluten-free and you know they don’t have Celiac and you’re like, “Why are you torturing yourself by giving up bread FOR NO GOOD REASON?” That’s how King feels about vows of celibacy.