“No. What...” I tried to think back. “Clarke?” He wasn’t here. “Where’s...”
“Shh...” Mama put her hand on my brow. “Clarke is alive. You saved him. Foolish child.” She sighed and looked like she’d aged too.
I lifted my hand. It felt like it weighed a ton. I touched the back of her hand where it rested on the bed and she took my hand in both of hers. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I couldn’t stand the look on your face. I pushed you away because I had to. I was afraid that if I didn’t, now that I’m back in, you’d be a target for a rival gang.”
“I don’t know what you were thinking. You’re not Clint Eastwood and this isn’t the Wild West. You have a family. We go through life together.”
I managed to nod.
“Good. Now we’re going to go downstairs and get you some food. This hospital stuff is beyond nasty. You’re going to eat and then we’re having a family meeting.” Everyone filed out after her.
Juvante lagged behind. He hunched his shoulders. “When I saw you lying there with all that blood on you...” He blinked and I saw moisture in his eyes. “I thought you were dead. I ought to beat your ass right here for scaring the hell out of me.”
“Better think it over.”
“Why?”
“Because when I get better, I’ll come after you.”
He laughed. “I’ll be at boot camp by the time you’re able to stand up without falling over.”
“Where’s Clarke now?”
Juvante’s face tightened. “Locked up. The dumb shit is going down for killing Chanos. He’s already told the cops he did it on purpose. He’ll be lucky to see the free sky by the time he’s an old man.”
I turned my face toward the wall. Clarke had stepped up to try and give me an escape route. My brothers had put themselves in the line of fire not caring if they lived or died for me. Then I did something I hadn’t done since I was five years old. I cried. For my brothers. For the death of my mother. For the things I’d seen I should never have had to deal with. For the things I’d done that I shouldn’t have done. For the hearts that I’d broken. For the pain of missing Tana.
Juvante poked me in the leg and whispered in a choked voice, “Pussy.”
I looked at him and tears were tracking down his face. I tried to laugh, but it hurt. I held my hand up and Juvante clasped it. “Yeah, man. Love you, too.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
TANA
College was a lot harder emotionally than I’d anticipated. I missed my family. I ached for Ryan but I was working on forgetting him even though I suspected it was going to be an impossible task. There was no forgetting a guy like Ryan Collins. I would have to stop breathing first.
Now that it was January, I was starting my second semester and I was a little more adjusted to my life of classes, studying and doing my best to avoid partying with Shelby. But I’d never adjusted to not having Ryan in my life. There was a missing piece. I wasn’t in the mood to be surrounded by people laughing and hooking up and I had to work hard to keep the pretense up that I was okay.
Without knocking, Shelby flung open my door and made a beeline for my closet. She and I had been lucky enough to get one of the two rooms with a living space in Patriot Hall. With the dorm being coed, Shelby was in her element surrounded by good looking guys.
Pulling out a black dress, she held it against her and said, “Borrow this?”
I closed my textbook. “That’s the third party this week and it’s not even the weekend.”
“I know but I’m young and finally free from my golden cage. I’m making up for lost time.”
“It’s supposed to snow tonight. You might want to wear boots with it.”
“I will and I’ll find someone warm to snuggle up with.”
“Have fun.”
“Come with me.” Shelby dropped the dress onto the back of the desk chair and plopped down on the end of the bed. “You’d have a lot more fun if you’d let go of Ryan.”
Hearing his name squeezed my heart. “I have let go.”
She arched her eyebrows.
“Okay, I’m working on letting go,” I corrected. “I haven’t talked to him or heard from him since I saw him at the hotel after he was beaten. I even told Brooklyn to never tell me any news about him.”
“It won’t be over until you go out with someone else. I know that a few guys have asked you out.”
“They’re just not...I don’t know...they’re not—”
“Ryan?”
“I told you that I’m working on letting go. I’m getting closer.” Even I could hear the lie in my voice.
“Then prove it,” she challenged and grabbed my hand. “Come to the party with me tonight. It’s what you need. Have a few drinks, dance and be with someone other than Ryan.”
I mulled over her idea. On the one hand, I didn’t want to go. But on the other, I really didn’t want to spend another night studying. Maybe she was right. Maybe going to a party would be good for me. “Okay, you have a deal.”
Shelby squealed and hugged me. “Do you want to borrow the dress to wear that I was going to wear?”
I laughed. “No, I’ll wear my red one.”
“You won’t regret this.”
“Famous last words.” I slid from the bed to get ready for the party.
*
RYAN
“It’s like living with Bigfoot. Everyone knows I have a roommate, but no one ever sees him.”
I looked at my roommate, Lewis. “I’m not really the party kind of guy.” Not anymore. Not after what I’d been through in the months prior to arriving at Bayside. I’d missed the first semester because I’d had to recover from the showdown with Chanos. I’d survived. He hadn’t. And Clarke was paying the price with years of his freedom.
Abraham had bought his cousin’s garage near the college and I worked it part time while taking a few business management classes. Ryker was moving up to join me at the garage and he’d be here in a few hours and I was glad I’d have at least one of my brothers around. Cooper couldn’t leave Michigan yet because he was still on parole, but I hoped he would once that was over. Juvante had left for the Marines. We were all going our separate ways for the time being but we’d always be a family. Always be there for each other. I knew that now.
“Okay. I didn’t want to say this, but you leave me no choice. I heard Tana will be at the party.”
The air grew heavy and I nearly stopped breathing. I quit writing the letter I was working on to Clarke and looked at Lewis. We lived together in a house near the campus that had been divided up into apartments. He’d lived all his life on a farm in Iowa in a small town that he’d laughed and said consisted of mostly his family members. In his plaid shirt, high water jeans and black eyeglasses, everything about Lewis screamed nerd. But he’d become a friend and had proven himself trustworthy on more than one occasion. I’d made the mistake of telling him about Tana one night after he’d hounded me for a reason why I wasn’t hooking up. “It doesn’t matter if Tana will be at the party. She doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
She’d proven that. I’d written letters before I’d left Michigan, but there’d been no response. I’d tried to call and text her but her number had been changed. When she’d said goodbye that final day I’d seen her, apparently, she’d meant it. I’d taken great pains to avoid being near any place I thought she’d go whenever I was on campus. If she didn’t want to see me, I would respect that and wouldn’t force the issue. I’d put her through enough.
“Okay, you’re probably right. She probably hates you. So let’s you and I hit the party circuit. I’ll even let you be my wingman.”
I laughed at that. Lewis struck out every time. “I’m gonna finish this letter.”
“Like that’s what you really want.” Lewis bounced back and put up his fists. “Don’t make me kick your ass.”
I laughed again. Lewis probably only topped out at 100 and I doubted he’d ever started a fight in his life.
“You owe her an explanation for what you did to her.”
“No, I fucking don’t.” I gave up the pretense of writing.
“Yes, you do. She’s making choices based on the belief that you don’t care about her and never did.”
“Lewis, butt the fuck out.”
“Stop being a pussy and talk to her.”
“Speaking of ass kicking, I’m about to hand one to you.”
Lewis sighed. “There’s another reason that I want you to go. The party’s at a fraternity house. Some of those guys think it’s funny to kick my ass.”
“Then why do you want to go?”
“Because I’m not a pussy. Because I’m not going to let those guys make my time here miserable. Because I can step up to the plate. Now, if you won’t go for Tana, go to keep me from getting my ass kicked at a party at least once.”
“Alright, man. I’ve got your back. Let’s go.” Maybe Lewis was right. Maybe I needed to see Tana and explain why I’d acted the way that I had. I leaned back in the chair and stared at the ceiling but didn’t see the light. Instead I saw Tana’s face, her smile, and her body moving under mine with sweet abandon. What would I say to her if she told me she hated me? Or if she still cared? Or worse...if she felt nothing at all?
Chapter Twenty-Eight
TANA
I could barely contain the shudder that ripped through me as the guy beside me whispered in my ear. Not because he was saying anything I wanted to hear but because I knew it had been a mistake to come to the party. I couldn’t stand the thought of doing with this guy what he was suggesting.
“I’m sorry, I need to use the bathroom.” I slid away from him and searched the crowd for Shelby. I couldn’t believe she’d ditched me. I didn’t want to walk back across the dark campus alone but I didn’t want to drag Shelby away either. Maybe I’d use the bathroom and then find a corner to stand in until I could locate my roommate.
I passed by the staircase and groaned at the line of girls waiting for the bathroom. The frat house only had two. This one and the one upstairs. I spun around and went up the stairs. Thankfully, there were only two girls in line.
“Tana?”
No.
Yes
. I was dreaming that I’d heard Ryan’s voice. Hadn’t he been with me in a few rather vivid dreams since I’d seen him last? I’d woken up throbbing and so ready for him, then had cried when I’d realized it was only a dream. I turned slowly, not expecting to come face to face with the guy I thought I’d never see again.
The girl in front of me said loudly enough to her friend for me to overhear, “Oh my God, he’s fucking hot.”
She was right. He was hotter than ever. He wore jeans and a long sleeve light blue button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up. Some of his tattoos showed. I remembered them. I remembered the ones that weren’t showing. The ones on his chest that I’d kissed as we’d lain locked together our last time. I remembered everything about him. Guess I hadn’t done such a bang up job of letting go or of forgetting.
The girls were staring expectantly at me. I found my voice and said, “What are you doing here?”
His gaze drifted to the girl staring so boldly at him. By the glazed look on her face, I was sure in her mind’s eye she was already rolling around naked with him. I glared at her and she looked away.
“I started school here.”
“You...
here
? Why?”
“Business management. I’m taking over a garage Abraham bought not far from here.”
“Oh.” What did I think he was going to say? That he’d chosen this school because I was here? Because he couldn’t live his life without me? That he was sorry and loved me?
“Let’s go somewhere and talk.”
“
Now
you want to talk?” The bathroom door opened and the two girls in front of me went in and started making out before the door ever closed. I slapped the bathroom door and yelled at them. “Could you do that after I use it?” I couldn’t think straight. The shock of seeing Ryan made it hard to concentrate on anything. I needed to get away from him.
“There are some things I should tell you.”
“I can’t do this again.”
“Wait. The thing with Chanos—”
“Stop.” I didn’t want to hear about Chanos. Didn’t want to be reminded of all that had transpired since I’d first met that guy. Of how close I’d come to losing Mom. “After all these months of silence, you think you can just ask me to have a conversation?”
“Silence? I wrote to you every goddamn week as soon as I recovered. I called you. I asked Brooklyn for your new number.”
“Recovered? From what?”
His lips thinned. “I tried to reach you. I was going to tell you about that and a lot of things.”
“I told Brooklyn that I didn’t want to hear from you.”
“That’s still the way that you want it?”
I had to make him leave me alone. I couldn’t stand to be with him again only to lose him all over because he’d push me away. And I was tired of being pushed away. It hurt too much. “Yes, it is. I don’t love you, Ryan. I was wrong to tell you that I did. I mistook sexual feelings for love.” I couldn’t believe how easy it was to lie to him.
He looked like I’d slapped him. Then his face hardened and his beautiful eyes turned icy. “I’m such a fucking idiot. See you around.”
It was better this way. When I stopped loving him, everything would be good. I would be okay then. I would stop crying myself to sleep, stop losing weight and stop calling out for him in the middle of the night. Turning around, I rushed back down the stairs. The walls were closing in on me. I needed air. Shoving through the crowd, I located the front door and pushed it open, nearly knocking over a couple of guys trying to come in.
“You okay?” One of them asked but I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. I ran down the steps and onto the sidewalk, running toward my dorm, pushing my legs to go faster. Reaching the student parking lot, I picked up speed, and everything went by in a blurry haze. The weather chilled the tears on my face, matching the chill in my heart.
*
RYAN
I was in the library the next day when I overheard a douchebag at the table beside mine mention Tana’s name and dancing with her at the party. He bragged about what he hoped to do with her at the next party. She didn’t love me and her life was none of my business but caring about her and trying to protect her wasn’t something I could turn off regardless of how she felt about me. Sliding back my chair, I walked across the carpet and stopped at the table. “Tana Shaw is off limits to you.”