Authors: Elizabeth Brown
Ryan
“Kayaking’s off.”
“Pardon?” I asked, rubbing my eyes. I looked down at the time on my phone. 6:45 am. Who calls at 6:45 am on a Sunday? Lisa Lerner. That’s who.
“I said, kayaking is off. You’re off the hook. His wife found out.”
“Found out what?”
“Found out about everything, me, him, the kid. Jesus Ry, for a PhD candidate, you sure can be dense sometimes.”
“Give me a break, Lisa, it’s 6:45 in the morning.”
“Whatever. Well, I was just calling to let you know you don’t have to meet us at the Marina. You’re free to go back to little miss virgin-pants.”
“Her name is Natalie,” I said, my voice still horse from the early hour.
“Whatever. Enjoy yourself. And Ryan?”
“Yeah?”
“Happy-fucking-graduation.”
Natalie
Tuesday
Fifteen days P.R.A.
I had a new mantra. Something that probably ninety-nine percent of women had already figured out, but hey, I’d never been the first to the party, why start now?
Wanna know what it was?
Sex is not love.
Yep. Repeat it with me. Sex is not love.
Sex is not love.
~
“Hey.”
I looked up. Renee was standing at the door to my office. Her hair was matted and she was wearing a sweatshirt with her dress pants.
Renee never wore sweatshirts.
“Hey Renee, there you are. Were you out yesterday? I didn’t see you.”
She shut the door and sat down, which immediately made me sit up a little taller. I also noticed she wasn’t wearing any make-up. Her features looked much more delicate without it.
“Ha, I wish. I had to take a personal day.” She paused and swallowed. “I’m getting divorced.”
“What?!”
“Yeah. Derek’s been cheating on me. I feel like such a fool.” She started to tear up, so I offered her a tissue.
“That’s nuts. You guys have been together forever. How do you know? Are you sure?”
“Oh, I’m sure, I walked in on them on Saturday when my yoga class was cancelled. They were in our bed, Nat. Can you believe that? Our fucking bed!” She was getting angry now, and honestly, I was relieved. It was better to see her angry than sad.
“That’s horrible,” I offered. “Did you know her?”
Renee nodded. “Yeah. Her and—oh, wait, you know her boyfriend. Ryan? The guy at the café? We ran into them a few weeks ago?”
I froze as I slowly followed her story. “Wait, so Lisa was sleeping with your husband?”
She nodded. “Yeah, you know her?”
I tried to cover my tracks. “No, I mean, I just remember you saying her name.”
“Oh, right! Well, remember how she was pregnant? Guess what? It’s Derek’s baby. Can you fucking believe that? After trying so hard…” A tear launched itself down her cheek.
“Hey, hey there, Renee, it’s gonna be okay. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s kind of good that you found out now,” I offered as I passed her more tissue. I kept that assurance on repeat as I reviewed her words repeatedly in my mind.
Had she really said that Lisa’s baby wasn’t Ryan’s? If that were the case, why’d he pretend that it was? None of this made any sense. None of it.
Ryan
Late Wednesday Afternoon
“Please don’t hate me Ry, I can’t handle that right now.”
I exhaled and glanced at the clock on the kitchen wall. My thesis defense was scheduled to start in less than an hour. Ainsley had promised to be there, but over the last few days, her depression had reared its ugly gray head.
“It’s almost four in the afternoon, Ains. When was the last time you got out of bed?”
Silence.
“Ains…”
“God, I don’t know,” she groaned. “Sunday? Monday?”
“Ains, you’ve been in bed since this weekend? Have you called Dr. Katz?”
More silence.
“Ains, look. I have to go otherwise I’ll be late. I’ll swing by once I’m done, but I want you up and showered. I’ll take you out for dinner.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Well, then you can watch me eat. You can’t just stay in bed.”
I heard her sigh over the phone. “Yes, big brother.”
“I’m serious. I’ll see you in a few hours.”
Wednesday Evening
Ryan
They say people often do stupid things when they’re high. Now, I’ve never done drugs, but I was fresh off the exquisite high of my thesis defense when I followed suite. Now, what stupid thing did I do, you ask?
Isn’t it obvious?
I called Natalie.
That’s right. I called her. I called her as I skipped down the stairs of the brick building where I’d just kicked my thesis defenses’ ass. Eight long years, and I was finally done.
Did I have a plan of what to say?
Not a chance. I knew I needed to head over to Ains, but right now I also knew there was one thing that could send my high even higher, and that was hearing Natalie’s voice. And I did get to hear her voice.
On her voicemail.
Dammit.
Undeterred, I paused in the middle of campus and texted her.
Hey, it’s me.
Okay, not very creative, but my mind felt like it was on fire and of the thousands of options pouring through my synapses, that gem was what came out. When I got no response, I tried again.
I miss you.
Lisa didn’t have to know, besides she was done with the charade now, right? Oh hell, either way it’d be almost poetic; cheating on a cheater.
I got to my bike, and sat on it for a while, waiting for an answer. When nothing came, I slipped the phone in my pocket, and kicked it on and headed for her place.
Natalie
Earlier that same Wednesday
Sixteen days P.R.A.
Today was just Renee’s second day back at work since finding out about her husband’s philandering ways, but she looked much better. She’d gotten a nice blow-out and was wearing a pair of killer heels.
As far as myself, it was a big night. This lady right here, she had a date.
That’s right, me.
Believe it or not, I was back at the library last night (okay, maybe I was looking for Ainsley) and the guy I was sharing a table with, well, he noticed my mystery novels, and we hit it off.
I texted Josh about it ,and he edited his tagline of West-Coast Successful to SFPL Successful. Apparently, it’s my magic space. Probably just good lighting or something. Anyway, Ian and I, we were going to catch a movie.
Just
a movie.
I’d already decided that I was a
wait for the third date
kind of gal. I mean, it worked with Ryan, didn’t it? Third time’s a charm.
Sigh.
Ryan. The fact that I was still measuring time as
Post-Ryan-Andrews
should be a good indication of where my head was. I looked back in the mirror and dabbed on more of the eyeliner I’d bought just for this occasion, completely unsure of the line between enough and too much. Taking a few sheets of tissue, I blotted my armpits. Ian was supposed to be here any minute and I was so nervous I was sweating. I guess I’d thought this whole losing my virginity thing would make first dates easier, but boy was I wrong.
There was a knock at the door, so I strolled over, still barefoot, and checked the peephole. New York habits die hard, what can I say?
I was glad I did because HOLY FUCKING SHIT RYAN ANDREWS WAS OUTSIDE MY DOOR.
My head whipped back as my blood pressure skyrocketed upwards towards the stratosphere. I took another peek, just to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating.
Nope. He was standing there. In a suit.
Fuck.
What the hell was he doing here?
And more importantly:
Holy crap, what was I supposed to do!?
My eyes darted around my apartment in a panic, immediately aware I was still not ready to talk to this guy, despite the lengthy monologues I’d had with him in my head. The ones where I asked him why he’d left me and he’d dropped to his knees, begging for me to forgive him. I was sure that wasn’t going to happen right then, so I was not ready. Nope, not prepared at all. Shit. I tiptoed across the room and sat down on the couch, facing the door.
“Natalie? Natalie, are you in there?” he called out.
I squirmed, completely at a loss of what to do. Then I remembered: Ian. Shit! Ian. I stood up silently and got my phone to text Ian.
Are you close?
He replied almost instantly.
Just a few minutes away. Be there soon.
Shit fuck.
“Natalie, we need to talk.” Ryan’s voice sounded urgent but I didn’t dare go near the door. I just sat there, my eyes glued to the little crack under the door, even though I couldn’t see anything.
Then there was some movement in the hall— footsteps. Oh, shit, was Ian here already?
“Excuse me, Ma’am? Ma’am? Sorry to bother you, but have you seen Natalie?”
I heard a husky voice answer. Oh thank God, it was Mrs. Hankton from next door. I couldn’t hear her answer, but whatever she said, Ryan came back to my door, paused, and then left.
Once I heard him on the front steps, I went to the window and peered after him from behind the curtain. On his way across the street, he actually passed Ian and I am pretty sure my heart ceased beating for a few moments. But they didn’t know each other from Adam, so when Ryan offered a chin lift and Ian responded with a tight nod I knew it was just man-code.
Once Ryan was out of sight, I leaned back against the wall to release my breath, which I’d been holding for who knows how long. A few seconds later, there was another knock on my door.
This time, it was my date.
Ryan
I waited for about ten minutes just up the street from her apartment. I didn’t want to plant myself right in front, she could have seen me as she came home and avoided me. So my plan was to wait until I saw her go into her apartment and then knock on her door. So you can imagine my surprise when she came out of the building a few minutes later, walking with some douchebag in Tevas.
I’m no fashion plate, but who the fuck wears Tevas on a date?
And more importantly,
she was in there
? She had been in her apartment and she hadn’t opened the door.
My heart sank.
Must. Not. Ambush. Teva guy. I gripped the handles of my bike until my knuckles whitened as I watched them cross the street and get into his blue Honda Civic. I’d spent my life trying to control my temper. Trying not to fly off the handle like my dad, and it was safe to say that this event was the closet I’d come to going off the deep end in a while. You know the expression, “I was so mad, I saw red”? Yeah, that was happening. It’s a thing.
The car pulled into traffic and set off toward downtown. Naturally, I followed them.
Ryan
Thursday
I had to bum a graduation invitation off someone in my cohort, as I hadn’t ordered any for myself. I mean really, who was I going to invite? Lambo? Right.
As I addressed it, my stomach was tight. After my stint as the Night Stalker, I’d spent most of my waking hours preoccupied with Natalie, going over our time together. When I first noticed her in the library she’d been cracking jokes at the front desk, and I was immediately intrigued. I’d followed her at a distance and spent almost half an hour pacing, trying to figure out a way to strike up a conversation— not that what I ended up doing was Shakespeare or anything, but hey, it worked. One of my favorite memories was how she blushed something fierce when I’d asked her if she’d touched herself. And the day we got stuck in the elevator… although the part about how I had an ethical meltdown was still something I’d rather forget. When that thought surfaced, I distracted myself by thinking about the day she came to my soccer game. Fuck, if there was anything that made me feel protective and possessive of her, it was having my teammates eye her hungrily like a pack of wolves. And the kicker was, I was sure she was starting to feel the same way.
That is, until I yanked the fucking rug out from under her.
Still, I couldn’t believe she’d started dating already.
Seeing her with that fucking guy tore me up. She wasn’t supposed to be with him—she was
supposed
to be with me.
Natalie
Thursday
Seventeen days P.R.A.
The date with Ian was good. He was a gentleman, and I managed to get away with only a kiss on the cheek. Oh boy, listen to me. The man was attractive in a cute kind of way, but I knew he was nothing like Ryan, and I worried that I would forever be comparing every man I date to him. Was this what happens when you lose your virginity to someone? Was it normal to have an image of them haunt you like this?