The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (210 page)

“I’m sorry, I’m not allowed to give you a double dose,” replied the chemist.

“Why not?”

“Because it isn’t safe,” replied the chemist.

“But I need it really badly,” said the man. “My mistress is coming into town tomorrow, “I’m seeing my new girlfriend tonight and my wife comes home on Monday. Can’t you see? I’ve got to have a double dose.”

The pharmacist relented. “Okay, I’ll give it to you, on one condition – you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.”

On Monday morning the man dragged himself into the chemist with his right arm in a sling. The pharmacist asked, “What happened to you?”

The man said, “None of them showed up.”

An elderly gentleman went to the local chemist’s and asked for some Viagra. The chemist said, “That’s no problem. How many do you want?”

The old man answered, “Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces.”

The chemist said, “That won’t do you any good.”

The old man replied, “That’s all right. I don’t need them for sex any more. I am eighty-three years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t piss on my shoes.”

As of today, Viagra will also be available over the counter by its correct generic medical name. Please ask your pharmacist for “Mycoxafloppin”.

What’s an Aboriginal vibrator?

Eight wasps in a sherry bottle.

What does an elephant use as a vibrator?

An epileptic pig.

Why did God put men on earth?

Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.

I got my wife a vibrator for her birthday. She’s done nothing but moan ever since.

Three men were drinking at a bar, a doctor, a lawyer and a Geordie. The doctor said, “For my wife’s birthday, I’m going to buy her a Vivienne Westwood suit and a diamond ring. Even if she doesn’t like the suit, she will still love me because she got a diamond ring.”

The lawyer said, “For my wife’s birthday, I’m going to buy her a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn’t like the shoes, she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet.”

The Geordie said, “I’m going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. If she doesn’t like the T-shirt, she can go fuck herself!”

Why did the French invent the bidet?

It’s easier than drinking out of the toilet.

Where’s the best place to hide your money?

Under a Frenchman’s soap.

Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?