The Retreat (14 page)

Pastor Dawkins was actually happy to see Grace on the beach reading with a group of girls. The sun stood over them as it held its heat so that the girls could enjoy a day at the beach.

“Hello, Pastor Dawkins,” Grace said with a smile on her face. The rest of the women in her group snickered like school girls.

“You ladies enjoying yourselves?” Pastor Dawkins asked.

The wind from the ocean was so strong that it blew back the brim of Grace's straw hat. She used her hand to keep her hat from flying off.

“Oh, we're having a great conversation about this book.” Grace held up a copy of Steve Harvey's,
Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man.

If Pastor Dawkins had a dollar for every woman he saw with a copy of that book in her hands, he would have Will Smith's type of money.

“Well, I hope you find it insightful.” Pastor Dawkins started to walk away, wanting to avoid an awkward moment.

“What do you think is the problem in most relationships?” Grace asked.

Her question stopped Pastor Dawkins dead in his tracks, which is what he felt Grace wanted to do anyway. He thought for a moment. “Lack of a father in both a young boy's and young girl's lives.” Pastor Dawkins paused a moment to let his statement sink in. “You see, a young boy needs a father to show him how to navigate through the different stages of manhood. A young girl needs a father to model an example of what a man is. Too many times you have guys who don't know how to be a man and you have women who don't know what a man looks like.”

He could tell that his point hit home with the group. Some of the women looked at each other and blushed, while others looked at Pastor Dawkins as if he had just stepped out of a cave.

“Do you think part of the problem is how we set our expectations?” Grace asked.

“No doubt! No doubt, but part of the problem is that we are not real with ourselves when it comes to the expectation we set. If you set a standard for excellence, then you can not waver in that standard even if that means that you are alone. There is a difference between being alone and lonely.”

Grace flashed another award-winning smile. Every time she smiled, Pastor Dawkin's resolve began to weaken. He had thought about her a lot since last night. Thank God that she was not a mind reader; otherwise Pastor Dawkins would have been embarrassed if his private thoughts of Grace were exposed. His thoughts of Grace were innocent if there was such a thing. But in all honesty, Pastor Dawkins hadn't interrupted the girls gathering at the beach in order to teach, he just wanted to see Grace. He wanted to see if her radiance still held up in the daylight as much as it had last night. He was pleased to find that she was every bit as breathtaking as he thought.

“So how are things on your end, Pastor Dawkins?' Grace asked.

“We're having an awesome time in the Lord, and thanking God that we are not being distracted.” Pastor Dawkins looked at each girl as if he were a disappointed father. Every girl looked ashamed except for Grace, who flashed another girly smile. She was going to ruin him with that smile, which only made her high-yellow cheekbones glow.

What was God doing? Was it possible that Grace could be a trick from the enemy? But he doubted that such beauty could exist in an evil plot.

The Circle of Power was a highlight of the Men's Retreat. For Quincy, the Circle of Power carried an even more special touch to it. This would be his opportunity to pinpoint the man responsible for sleeping with his wife and breaking up his marriage. It almost seemed like divine intervention that in front of Christian men he would confront his wife's lover.

Quincy beat the crowd coming in and had a seat next to the front door. He tried to replay in his mind a scenario where he had failed Karen as a husband. When that moment had occurred, what did she do? Did she run to the church and confess her sins to the minister? Maybe they met at a hotel or a movie theater and carried on like two young lovers.

Karen had been too ashamed to talk about it. She had to take responsibility for her actions. Quincy was not to blame for shutting down and proceeding with the divorce. She knew not to suggest marriage counseling; as far as Quincy was concerned, Greater Anointing was a house full of hypocrites.

Brother Thomas entered with a group of brothers and began clapping. “Hallelujah!”

The men clapped and Quincy joined in. Soon all the men, including Jamal, Will, and Chauncey, took a seat in a big circle. Pastor Dawkins came into the middle of the circle and all the men clapped.

“Be seated, please be seated,” Pastor Dawkins ordered.

All the men took their seats, and Pastor Dawkins did a slow spin and made eye contact with every man. “What's wrong?” Pastor Dawkins asked. Pastor Dawkins let the question sink into the hearts of the men, but Quincy did not internalize it.

“Whatever is wrong, now is the time and this is the place where you can leave it on the floor. Confess to God and to your brothers, and let's become advocates for change. It's time to be men.” Just like that, Pastor Dawkins took a seat on the opposite side of the circle from Quincy.

A middle-aged man walked to the middle of the circle with one hand covering his mouth. “I'm so glad to be here with my brothers. I almost didn't make it here. On Thursday night I was in a crack house when someone walked in and started shooting up the place. A bullet just missed my head.” The guy paused to clear his throat. “I crawled into a corner and prayed that if the Lord got me out of this one, I would never be the same again.”

Quincy was as terrified as anyone else in the room. To come so close to death would turn anybody religious.

“I'm here because I need my brothers' help. I can't make it without you, and I need you guys to hold me accountable,” this man confessed.

He received a score of “Amen's” and he took each one as a sign of encouragement as he sat down. No sooner had the man sat down than Chauncey followed and stood in the middle. Quincy rolled his eyes because he knew—and everyone in the room knew—that Chauncey talked too much.

“Praise the Lord, brother!” Chauncey pointed to the man who had just sat down.

“Brother Edwards, you don't hesitate to call me, you hear? I'm going to lift you up in prayer.” Chauncey then looked around the room. “I just wanted to encourage you all to put God first and keep Him first in your life. Be blessed, brothers.” He sat down in his chair.

To Quincy's surprise, Chauncey had been brief. The next man was someone who Quincy had not seen in a long time: Clarence Reeves. He was one of the few men who attended Greater Anointing who Quincy liked. He liked Clarence because he was white and was not at all fazed by skin color. He just loved church. Clarence looked frail, like he had not been eating. Quincy could not blame him; the food at that place was terrible.

“Brothers, I'm here because I'm tired of running. I thought I was running from God when really I was running from who I am. For the last two years I've tried to hate God, because I can't understand why God would make something that He hates.”

Quincy's heart went out more to Clarence, because he did not think anybody was ready for what Clarence was about to admit.

“I've been living on the down-low for five years now. I used to come to church on Sunday mornings and dance and shout. Then I would spend Sunday night in the arms of another man,” Clarence confessed.

Everything went silent, including the crickets. Men were able to understand and relate to a lot of things: drugs, alcohol, abuse, pornography, and adultery, among other things. Homosexuality was the one thing that a lot of straight men could not wrap their heads around. If Quincy were to conduct a survey at this Retreat of fantasy threesomes, he would get a whole bunch of participants. The hypocrisy lay in what was acceptable to the softer gender and what was unacceptable for men.

“I didn't want to come here. I swear to you I didn't, but I missed being in His presence.” Clarence started to choke on his words. “Despite the fact that most of you will look at me differently, I missed being around you guys. I want to be able to come to church and not feel guilty. I believe I can overcome this, but I need God and my brother's help to do so.”

It was rare to find someone who was gay and wanted to choose against what seemed like his human nature. Pastor Dawkins proved why he was so celebrated as a pastor. He walked up and gave Clarence a hug as Clarence sobbed onto the pastor's shirt.

“It's going to be okay. You can't run far enough to get away from God's loving arms,” Chauncey remarked.

Clarence received claps as he returned to his chair. Will was the next to get up.

“Um, I wasn't sure about coming here, and, to tell the truth, I hadn't really given God that much thought before this weekend. I mean, where I'm from we see the devil more at work than anything else.

“The one thing I can say about this weekend is that for once in my life, I got a chance to be at peace. But if I don't see you guys again, I just wanted to tell you thanks for showing me love. I'm so used to seeing life one way, and you guys have turned me on to another way I can live my life.”

Will gracefully sat down as another brother got up and gave a detailed account of his addiction to Internet pornography. After that Jamal stood up.

“Praise the Lord. It's good to be in the house of the Lord, especially with my brothers.” Jamal paused to allow the praises to cease.

“I came here thinking that I needed to hear a word from God regarding my job situation. I realize that I needed to confront my past.” Jamal locked eyes with Will. “It wasn't until I met you this weekend that I realized that.” Jamal took a step toward Will. “You remind me of my best friend, who died. This whole time I've felt guilty for his death and I realize that I have to let it go. I've allowed pride to stop me from being forgiven.”

Jamal could not even say anymore. Quincy imagined that he was so overwhelmed with grief that he could not bear to say another word.

Minister Jacobs got up with tears in his eyes, unable to clearly get his words out. “I'm sorry, brothers, I can't just sit here and act like everything is okay. I'm a hypocrite. A backslider. How can I sit and tell y'all how to live your lives when I can't even live up to the standard myself?” Minister Jacobs wiped his face dry.

Quincy leaned forward with his hands folded on top of each other, and concentrated on being able to catch every single word from Minister Jacobs. He, too, was a suspect, since Karen assisted Minister Jacobs with feeding the homeless.

“I have lust in my heart and I've allowed the desire to grow so strong that I slept with another man's wife. I mean, I'm supposed to be an anointed man of God,” Minister Jacobs confessed.

It took Quincy a moment to realize what Minister Jacobs just said. Anointed man of God. A-MOG. “You son of a…” Quincy jumped up and threw his chair at Minster Jacobs before running toward him. The chair caught Minister Jacobs in his back after it bounced off the wall. Quincy wrapped his hands around Minister Jacobs's shirt and tried to choke the life out of him.

Other men, despite their confusion, rushed to the aid of Minister Jacobs.

“You slept with my wife and had the nerve to talk about it without first coming to me like a man,” Quincy shouted.

“I'm sorry.” Minister Jacobs swallowed hard.

“Too late!” Quincy snapped back. Quincy was finally separated from him. “I filed for divorce. You better be glad God is forgiving, because I'm not!”

“She was miserable,” Minister Jacobs said.

“So was I, but I didn't cheat.”

Quincy felt a hand on his shoulder that calmed him down. He saw that it was Pastor Dawkins. “We all need to settle down and calm ourselves.”

Everyone except Quincy calmed down. It was all out in the open. There were no more shadows in the lives of Quincy and Minister Jacobs. He sized up Minister Jacobs in an effort to understand what Karen could possibly see in him.

Yes, he was good-looking, but he carried with him a disposition of a guy fresh out of college with a mountain of student loan debt. That reason alone put Minister Jacobs out of Quincy's league. Jacobs had to be in his mid-twenties, and, at forty-three, Quincy was not as physically fit as Minister Jacobs, but he had an obese bank account.

“I'm so sorry, Brother Page,” Minster Jacobs said through a veil of tears.

“I'm not interested in your apology. In so many ways I blame you.” Quincy pointed at Pastor Dawkins. “Women talk about you like you're their pimp. My wife was more loyal to one of your ministers than she was to me.” Quincy took a moment to catch his breath. “So let's just get this out in the open right here, because after this weekend, I'm gone and y'all are not going to ever see me again.”

“This is the best place to deal with this issue. What do you want to know?” Pastor Dawkins asked calmly.

“I want to know why.” Quincy took a look at Pastor Dawkins. “And I want to know what you're going to do about this situation.”

“Perhaps we can go somewhere and talk,” Minister Jacobs suggested.

“Aw naw,” Quincy said, shaking both his head and hands. “We're going to settle this right here and now, because, to tell you the truth, I'm afraid that if we go somewhere to talk, then one of us is not going to come back.”

Pastor Dawkins outstretched his hands to signal to both Quincy and Minister Jacobs to settle down. Quincy sat down, not out of respect to Pastor Dawkins and his position, but because his adrenaline had come down and he was starting to feel lightheaded.

Pastor Dawkins continued. “Let's allow both the Holy Spirit and cooler heads to prevail. Now, Brother Page, you have every right to be upset. And, Minister Jacobs, you are responsible to tell Brother Page what's going on. I don't think that I have to remind all of you that we are covered with a vow of confidentiality. We're not like little school kids who run around here gossiping and carrying on. We are men, and a man can look to his brother and tell him what's going on.”

“How can you let someone like him minister from the pulpit?” Quincy pointed toward Minister Jacobs.

“I'm in no way excusing his actions, but he is human. He could be the greatest human being walking the earth and still be susceptible to folly,” Pastor Dawkins reasoned. “That's why we need grace and mercy to live in this fallen world.”

Pastor Dawkins took a moment to clear his throat. “Furthermore, you know that I preach against the sisters of the church having unhealthy relationships with their pastors. I've seen too many scandals unfold and I refuse to be a part of it. You are the head of your household and no man should come before you.” Pastor Dawkins locked eyes with Quincy.

“Reverend Pimp Daddy must've been asleep when you taught ethics in ministry class,” Quincy replied.

“You're hurt, and as a man you're taught that to show emotions is to show weakness, but it's okay. You have the right to feel hurt and betrayed. What happened should not have happened, but it did and I'm sorry. But don't let what happened to you cause you to give up on God and the purpose He has for you.”

What purpose could God have for Quincy? The weight of the whole situation collapsed onto his shoulders. Quincy's knees buckled and he fell to the ground. Tears followed without restraint. Quincy did not know why he was crying. Maybe he was embarrassed; maybe he was sad that his and Karen's marriage was on the verge of divorce; maybe he realized that he still did love Karen.

Only a man in love would risk his entire existence to destroy another man for the sake of regaining his lost honor and his love. God was suppose to be resolving matters, but all Quincy felt was more confusion then before.