Authors: Glenna Maynard
Scrubbing my hands over my face, I admit that I was the reason Audrey left. I pushed her too hard, too soon. Sleeping with her was a mistake. I don’t regret the night we shared, but I should have waited. I should have taken my time with her.
After we had sex, she darted to the bathroom, and wouldn’t come back out. I could hear her sobbing on the other side of the door. I tried to give her some privacy, but I freaked, and kicked the door in to get to her.
I only wanted her to stop crying.
I wanted to make her pain go away, but she only yelled at me, and then she smacked me.
It was like a light switch flickering off and on. I couldn’t control myself. I grabbed her from the toilet and shook her. I didn’t mean to. However, the damage was done.
She was terrified of me.
I never meant to hurt her, or to make her afraid of me.
I don’t deserve her, but
God
do I
want
her.
I’ve tried finding her, but she doesn’t want to be found.
Ma, Lewis, dad, and now Trey and Cass know what I did.
I feel so ashamed.
I need her to know I’m sorry.
I can’t eat.
I can’t sleep.
I just want to go back to that night, when it was raining, and see her look at me like she did before I ruined it all.
Cass squeezes my hand. “I’ll find her and talk to her, I promise you Cam. We will fix this.” Her words say one thing but her eyes portray something else entirely. Anger.
Something tells me my sister has some choice words for me, and she is choosing not to use them at the dinner table.
She shoves her plate away unable to finish her food.
“I’ve looked all over town for her, she isn’t at any of the hotels,” Lewis says.
The memory of the first night we met strikes me and suddenly I know where to look. I know where Audrey would run to. Legacy.
“I know where she went,” I tell them and everyone jumps up at once, ready to go after her. I love them all for it, but I need to do this myself.
“I need to go alone,” I tell them, hoping they’ll understand.
“Nonsense, you did enough damage. We’re all coming. Let’s go!” Ma orders, not having it any other way. We all load up in her Escalade to go after Audrey.
I can only hope I’m right and she’s at Motel 6 or Dusty Rose’s Bar.
The drive to Legacy doesn’t take long, but every second feels like an hour. I go into Dusty’s first with Cassie at my side.
We split at the bar to cover more ground faster. My heart is thumping out of my chest, my palms are slick with sweat.
I buy a beer and question the bartender. He says he hasn’t seen her. I get the feeling he’s lying, but I have no choice but to move on to the Motel.
Stepping outside, I decide to walk needing the fresh air to help me breathe. I can feel my anxiety bubbling in my chest.
Cassie gets in the car with everyone else, respecting my need for a moment alone.
My family follows me, driving along the sidewalk, staring at me with pity masked on their faces. I wish they’d go get a coffee or something. I shove my hands in my pockets to stop from tapping my fingers against my thighs as I walk.
Ma parks off to the side, Trey and Lewis are checking the lot for Audrey’s car while I go into the office to ask about her.
The night desk clerk is an older woman with thin grey hair. She looks up from her crossword puzzle and I ask her if a woman meeting Audrey’s description has gotten a room recently.
“She has dark brown hair, that hangs past her shoulders. Her eyes are the prettiest shade of green, like the green of a forest on the first day of spring.”
“Sorry.” She frowns. “I don’t pay much attention and my eyes aren’t good. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go the bathroom for about five minutes.” She drops her pen on the guestbook with a wink, and I smile faintly as she shuffles to the bathroom.
I look down at the pages scanning the signatures quickly, hoping and praying to see her name. I don’t find it, but there is a signature that isn’t legible.
She may have signed while she was still upset. With a small shred of hope and my only clue, I join the guys back at the car.
“We found her car, parked at the back of the building,” Trey tells me.
“Go get our girl,” Lewis encourages me, clamping his hand down on my shoulder. “We’ll be here waiting for you.
Both
of you.”
I nod with a grin, glad that they are here to support me as much as they drive me nuts.
I jog around the building wishing on a star that Audrey is here and she can find it in her heart to forgive me. I didn’t mean to hurt her. It’s the last thing I ever wanted.
I can’t let her go, we’re meant to be.
I round the building and see her car parked in the middle, in front of the rooms on the bottom floor. I look at the windows, most of them have the curtains drawn shut, except one room. The curtains are parted enough to let a little light spill through.
Gathering my strength and courage, I prepare to knock on the door. I faced many enemies while serving my country, but none of my training could have ever prepared me to face Audrey right now.
I knock on the door and step to the side, afraid if she sees me through the peephole she won’t answer. If this is even her room. I’ll knock on every door and wait all night if I have to.
Whatever it takes.
The curtain moves in the window, then the door creaks open slightly.
A rain I wasn’t expecting starts pouring down.
I chuckle softly as she says, “Who’s there?”
“Audrey, it’s me, Cam. Can we talk? Please.”
She peers through the crack at me, and I can see she’s only dressed in a thin cream lace camisole and matching panties. I have to fight the urge to adjust my dick.
“You see me so talk,” she tells me not budging an inch.
I nod and swallow. She won’t make it easy on me.
“I’m sorry, I fucked up. I know I pushed you too hard too soon. I scared you away, and the way I feel so strongly for you scares me too. But my feelings for you are the only thing that makes sense. I need you in my life, however you’ll allow me to be in yours. If you don’t want to be with me, I’ll back off, but you can’t tell me you don’t feel something for me too.”
She cracks the door open a bit more.
“Cameron, I don’t know what you expect from me. I’m fucked up. We both are.”
She’s never called me Cameron before; I smile loving the way it sounds coming from her lips.
I rest my arm against the door, edging my foot in the doorway to prevent her from shutting me out. She giggles, staring past me. My crazy family is standing behind me in the rain. Ma included.
“Come home, Audrey,” Ma calls to her.
Audrey shakes her head.
“Cam…”
“Audrey…”
I don’t wait for her to say anything more. I push the door open, stepping into the room, wrapping my arms around her, kissing her like I own her, because I do.
She’s mine, she was always meant to be mine.
“Are you crazy,” she says breathily as my family watches.
“Crazy about you. Get dressed, you’re coming home with me.”
“Cam…” she starts again.
“Come on already, we’re cold and wet out here,” Cassie yells through the downpour.
“We’re your family Audrey whether you want us or not,” dad speaks up.
Audrey snorts and shakes her head. She shoves her hands against my chest. “You scared me Cam. Don’t do it again.”
“I promise, I’ll do better with my medication, I’ll increase my therapy sessions. Whatever you want, I’ll do it. For you.”
“Not for me Cam, for us.
All
of us.”
She grabs a pair of flannel bottoms from the bag next to her bed as everyone piles in the room, sopping wet. Audrey goes into the bathroom to dress, and we all stand awkwardly, waiting for her to return.
I’m in the bathroom feeling terrified to leave this tiny room.
I know Cam, Cass, Ma, Big Joe, Trey, and Lewis are waiting on the other side of the door for me. How can they all be okay with my being with Cam? Don’t they feel I am trading one son, one brother for another?
I take a deep breath steadying myself with my palms against the cold ceramic sink. The water drips from the faucet making a “
plop plop
” sound as it hits the basin, reminding me of the rain hitting my windowsill.
I take a few more breaths not knowing what to do. I stare at myself in the mirror, wishing I could talk to Joey. I wish I knew how he felt, would he be angry? Would he be happy Cam and me have each other?
“This is your life now Audrey,” I tell my reflection.
It doesn’t matter what Joey would think, he isn’t here now, and he isn’t coming back. Maybe it’s too soon, but maybe Cam was right, I did meet him first. After we had sex and he flipped out one me, I ran. It’s easier to run than face the consequences of what my choices were causing. I knew Cam suffers from PTSD. I know he’d never hurt me intentionally.
I remember back to that night, the night we met.
I remember his smile, and how sweet he was for those fleeting minutes I knew him. I remember wishing I could see him again, even though I didn’t know his name. Maybe that’s why I was so drawn to Joey, he reminded me of Cam.
The war changed Cam, made him hard, made him hurt.
We all have scars, some deeper than others. I have to let down my walls, and let go of my fears if I ever want to be happy with anyone.
With Cameron.
With myself.
I don’t know if its love we feel for each other, maybe someday.
For now, all I can do is offer him the pieces of me that are left.
I walk back into the room, my bag is already packed, and in Cam’s hand. Everyone else is gone.
“Ma went to check you out.” He dangles my keys in his other hand. “You ready?”
“As ready as I’ll ever be.” I slip my shoes on. We run to my car in the rain, getting pelted with the large drops as they splash against our bodies.
One Month later
I’m with Cameron at his parent’s house for Cassie and Trey’s possibly fake engagement party. I still don’t know where the two of them stand. It feels strange but it also feels right to be here as Cam’s date. We’ve gotten a few strange looks from other family members, but Ma, believe it or not, tells me to ignore them.
We had a good talk, just the two of us a few days ago. She came over and brought me an “
I’m sorry
”
cake. It was a sweet gesture and I know it came from the heart. Three months ago, I would’ve thought it contained poison.
She apologized for how she treated me when I was with Joey, but holds firm she doesn’t believe we were right for each other. I don’t believe that, but I can’t dwell on it.
Cam’s eyes find mine from across the yard. He makes his way to me, and we go over to Joey’s grave together.
I’ve not visited Joey’s grave since he died. It was too hard to think of him lying here in the ground.
Kissing two fingers, I touch them to the headstone. Before I pull away, a monarch butterfly lands on my fingers, and in this brief moment I feel Joey is giving me his blessing. I can’t stop the tears as they fall.
“Hey, you okay?” Cam, twists my chin in his direction.
In his eyes, I see nothing but love and adoration. I feel able to find love again. I can finally move forward with him.
“Never better.”
Cassie joins us and gives us both a hug. She has decided to move in with Trey, leaving the running of the bar to Cam and me, with the help of Lewis.
We are renting her apartment out to Freddie and Sasha, they decided to move in together.
I still have Joey’s apartment, but I spend most of my time next door at Cam’s.
I’ll never forget Joey or the love that we shared, but life does go on. The early detection pregnancy test I took this morning is evidence of the fact.
We haven’t told anyone, it’s so early I don’t want to jinx us, and I don’t want to steal Cassie’s thunder, fake or not. Today is all about her and Trey. I’m going to miss seeing her every day, but I’ve never seen her happier than she is right now. I think just maybe she does love Trey.
She can’t stop smiling, it’s contagious.
The three of us walk back to the tent where all the guests are gathered.
The food has been served and is waiting on the table for us. I take my seat next to Cam and Lewis. When I reach for my water instead of the wine, with piqued brows Lewis says, “Hold up. Since when do you turn down any form of alcohol?”
I give him a mean scowl. He needs to be quiet. “I do like water from time to time.”
“What’s that?” Ma questions from across the round table.
“Audrey isn’t drinking her wine,” he rats me out.
Traitor
.
“Is something wrong with the wine? It’s not bad is it?” Big Joe asks with a grin. His smile is handsome like Cam’s.
“I’m sure the wine is fine.” I look to Cam to help me out and he has the biggest smile on his face.
Ma and Lewis look at Cam and back to me.
“Oh. MY. Gawd. She’s pregnant. Audrey’s pregnant!” she screams, nearly leaping over the table to hug our necks and kiss our cheeks.
Big Joe, gives me a hug and squeezes Cameron’s shoulders. Cassie is grinning while Trey says he can’t wait to be an Uncle.
This nutty bunch is my
family
now.
I’m where I’m meant to be. I touch my stomach, even though there’s no bump. This baby will be loved. Whether we have a boy or girl we’ve already decided on a name.
8 months later
“Please put the camera away Cam!” I snap at my husband. I don’t need to see my sweaty swelled face on film as I push a watermelon out of a pea. That’s’ what if feels like I’m doing as I bear down, giving my all, with what I hope is my final push.
Cassie grabs the camera from him and I’m thankful, until I realize she is still filming. That’s okay though. I’ll get to repay the favor in about three months when she gives birth to her son.
Ma keeps trying to poke her head through the door to get a glimpse. The nurse threatens to call security, but I ask for her to allow her in. I wouldn’t take this moment away from her. She wants a grandbaby to spoil so badly.
Cam returns to my side and kisses my forehead. “You’re doing good babe, just one more push.”
Easier said than done. He isn’t the one giving birth here.
I squeeze Cam’s hand as hard as I can as I grit my teeth. Raising up, knees to my ears, I push until I feel like my eyes are going to pop. “NUGHHHGUHH!” I scream out as I feel our child slip from my body, and into the doctor’s hands.
I don’t relax until I hear her wail. She has strong lungs. Cam cuts the cord and holds her first, while I get stitched up.
Seeing Cameron with our daughter, I know we belong together. I no longer see glimpses of his brother, Joey when I look at him. I am able to see him for the man he is, the man who loves me.
He hands our baby girl over to me, and I have to count her fingers and toes. Pink and wrinkled, she’s beautiful. She has the thickest mop of dark hair on her head. I kiss her cheeks and dote on her for a moment, until they take her away to clean her up, and do a hearing test.
I know Ma is eager to get her hands on her, she’s over in the corner with Cassie crying tears of joy while snapping pictures.
Later in the day, Lewis comes by to see his Goddaughter. He has his new beau with him, Phillip. He’s his third boyfriend in six months. I hope they last. Phillip is funny and everything Lewis needs in a good man.
“Girl, if I didn’t see those stretchmarks last week, I wouldn’t think you even gave birth, you looking fierce honey,” Phillip gushes kissing my cheek.
“Ha. Ha.”
Cam brings our newborn from the nursery, and Lewis lights up like a damn lighthouse beacon. He holds her for a few minutes, and immediately hands her over to me as soon as she starts to cry.
“Mamma, that is all you.” He laughs and promises to come by the apartment after we are released.
I was afraid of how Cam would cope with the baby crying, he seems to be doing okay, continuing to take his medication regularly. If life ever gets to be too much for him, he knows all he has to do is say the word. I know he wouldn’t hurt her, but I still want him taking every precaution when it comes to his triggers.
“You make me so happy Audrey. I love you,” he whispers in my ear taking our sleeping girl from my arms as I drift asleep.
When I awaken he is sitting in the glider in the corner feeding her. He doesn’t notice I’m awake, and listening to him as he talks to her.
“You get your name after your Uncle, Joey. He loved your Mamma as much as I do. I know he’d love you too. I wanted to call you Rain, after the thing that brought your mom and me together. You see Joey Rain Carwell, when it rains…all is right in the world.”
A tear slips from my eye. It’s been raining all day.
The End.