He
sighs deeply, leading me by the elbow until we’re both standing in the hallway
outside the bedroom.
“My
car is outside.” He tells me. “Take my car keys and wait inside it until I’m
done.”
“No,
I want to go back to Audrey’s. I could really do with a friend.”
“Sam,
I’m
right here. I came back for you and the last thing I want is for us
to be apart right now. I want you close by so I can make sure you’re safe.”
“How
did you even know I was here?” I ask, confused as to why Zack would return here
after he had just left.
“I
left Audrey’s and picked up my car, coming straight here to speak to Rachel.
Afterwards, I went straight back to Audrey’s like we had planned but no one was
home. I waited several minutes and kept on trying to call you, growing more and
more frantic by the minute. Audrey eventually came back and told me you had
received a phone call from Rachel who was absolutely distraught and desperate to
see you. Anyway, I raced over here as soon as she told me that and heard Rachel
screaming as soon as I pulled up outside. Thank God the front door wasn’t
locked or I might not have been able to get to you in time.”
“I
see.”
I
acknowledge his explanation, thankful for Zack turning up here when he did. God
knows what might have happened if he hadn’t.
“How
does Rachel know about us? Did you tell her?”
He
looks really angry, as though he genuinely believes I would do such a thing.
“Of
course I didn’t. My mother came back home whilst Rachel was on the phone to me
and told her. She just left us to it just before you arrived.” I inform him
bitterly, resenting my mother even more than I did before today. “She also told
her that harry is her real father and that everything I told her about him is a
lie. Rachel thinks I made the whole thing up.”
“That
bitch.” He growls darkly, exhaling loudly.
“Zack,
you need to speak to Rachel, I’m really concerned about her state of mind.
She’s going to make herself ill and all of this stress could really hurt the
baby.”
He
glances back into the bedroom where Rachel is still crying, rocking back and
forth on the bedroom floor. It’s as though she’s in agony, which I know she
probably is.
And
that’s all down to you
. My vindictive subconscious gloats, goading me.
“You
think she needs to see a doctor? Do you really think the baby is in danger?”
The
fear in his voice and the panic on his face reveals just how much his unborn
child already means to him, slicing my own fragile heart in two.
“Just
try and calm her down.” I advise him. “And don’t upset her any more than she
already is.”
“How
are you going to get back to Audrey’s? She’s not waiting for you, is she?
Because I didn’t see her outside when I came in.”
“No,
I told her to leave without me. I didn’t know how long I was going to be here.”
“Ok,
so how will you get back?” He inquires, frowning in concern.
“I’ll
phone a taxi from the phone downstairs before I leave. Please don’t worry about
me, Zack. You need to stay here and please don’t give her a hard time about
this.” I’m referring to the scratches on my face and my sore scalp, knowing
that the last thing Rachel needs is Zack having a go at her about her violent
outburst.
“She
had no right to do that to you.” He says sharply, clenching his fists in anger.
“And
I had no right to sleep with her fiancé but I still did it.” I reply drily.
“Samantha…”
“Look,
I really have to go. I’ll talk to you later, Zack.”
I
take one final look at my sister before I go, taking in the sadness and despair
of such a vibrant young woman, the misery and the heartache that I inflicted
and the pain I have caused.
It’s
only when I close the front door on the house I used to call my home that I realise
something… something heart-breaking and extremely poignant. My intuition and
every single instinct throughout my body
knows
that I will never see my sister
again.
Never.
Chapter Twenty
Rachel
I
never knew agony like this existed. I never knew I was capable of feeling such
torment. I’m still in my bedroom, unable to leave the safety these four walls
provide me. Zack left me several hours ago after he attempted to explain things
to me, after he tried to help me understand why he fell in love with
her
.
That’s
what he told me. He said that he’s in love with her and can’t be without her.
He said that he wants us to have this baby together but that he also needs to
be with her. I could scarcely believe the words he was saying to me, struggling
to imagine how someone like Zack could fall for someone as dreary as my sister.
I’ve
always been the one people have admired, I’ve always been the one my mother
chose to love and I took all of that for granted. Until now. Until the one man
who I love in this world decided not to love me back.
I
asked him the same questions that I demanded of her, needing to know why,
insistent on hearing all the gory little details. Zack was far more forthright
when it came to answering my questions. He actually seemed relieved that the
truth has finally come out and happy that he no longer has to pretend. Of
course I knew there was something wrong, I could feel it deep down inside of me
and that’s what forced me to make the choice that I did to get pregnant.
I
was telling Sam the truth when I said that I didn’t expect it to happen so
soon. I had some perfect idea in my head of our first baby being conceived on
our honeymoon and rushing home to give everyone the announcement. I foolishly
thought it was the best way to bring us closer and keep us bonded… the truth is
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
When
Zack first turned up on my doorstep this morning, I was thrilled. I welcomed
him inside with open arms, hoping that we would finally be able to sort some of
our problems out. I couldn’t understand why he had been so distant, moody and evasive,
wondering if it was our impending wedding that was giving him cold feet.
I
had no idea the reality of it was that he had been screwing my sister.
He
got straight to the point and asked me if there was something I wanted to tell
him. I tried to hide my news from him but really struggled. My excitement and
the euphoric elation that I felt could not be concealed from him and that’s
when I told him I was pregnant.
His
reaction was not what I had been hoping for. He glared at me for several
seconds before reading me the riot act about contraception, wanting to know the
reason why I allowed myself to become pregnant. That’s when I became indignant
and defensive, reminding him that it takes two people to make a baby and that
the responsibility should not only fall on my shoulders.
He
eventually calmed down, revealing the true reason behind him coming to see me.
I stood there in silence, shock and absolute disbelief made me freeze entirely.
He confessed that he no longer loved me in the way that he should, he said he
no longer saw a future for us and announced that we should put a stop to the
wedding. I thought it was his idea of a sick joke at first, demanding that he
stop playing around and be real for a second.
The
expression on his face made me realise it was no joke. He meant everything he
was saying and was certain that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. At this
point I had no idea about him and my sister. I thought he was panicking about
our upcoming nuptials and even convinced myself that a bit of time and space
would help him to clear his head.
I
was still devastated about the news and that’s why I phoned Samantha, eager to
talk things through with my younger sister and cry on her shoulder.
Zack
was a lot more truthful with me when Sam left us alone together. He confessed
everything to me as soon as she had done and held nothing back. He gave me the
answers I needed to hear from her.
He
told me he had somehow managed to fall in love with her and that she’s the one
he has to be with. He assured me that he would be a father to our baby and that
I would always be special to him but he had to follow his heart when it came to
how he felt about her. He said he was exhausted from hiding how he truly felt
and didn’t want to lie to me anymore, explaining his peculiar behaviour as the
underlying resentment he had been carrying when he knew he was unable to be
with her.
I
listened to it all and didn’t interrupt him, utterly astonished by the
revelations he was making. I kept on trying to remember all the occasions they
had been together and all the times I had witnessed them talking together,
unable to remember a time when I caught them behaving suspiciously. Not once
had they managed to arouse my suspicions, remaining blind and oblivious to the
actions of the two people closest to me.
My
hand slowly makes its way to my stomach, stroking the spot where I imagine my
baby to be. Zack’s baby.
A
miraculous idea enters my head, carrying with it a realisation of true hope. I
pull myself up from the crumpled position I had remained in on the floor,
reaching out for the window sill beside me so I can hoist myself up. I glance
around my bedroom, taking in the upside down furniture I overturned in my fury.
It’s
been several hours since Zack left, promising he would be in touch very soon
about the baby. He reminded me that we still have a lot of things to discuss
and assured me he wants to be there for every doctor’s appointment and check-up
I’m going to have. I know he means it too, I know he won’t go back on his word
and abandon his baby. Zack will make an excellent father and that’s one of the
reasons I wanted to marry him in the first place. Alongside the certainty I have
about this, my plan of action has sprung forth. The baby is my blessing, it
will be what brings us back together and I am determined to use this to my own
advantage.
I
vow that Zack will be mine once more by the time I have this baby. I know he’ll
be unable to stay away from either one of us by the time it’s born and this
will be what ultimately tears him and Samantha apart. I remember how messed up
she was during and after her termination all those years ago. I was the one who
cradled her in my arms, wiped away her tears and promised her everything would
be ok.
That
bitch destroyed my world, she tore it apart and left me to pick up the pieces.
She stole what was mine and now I’m going to take it back. Our baby will bring
us back together, it has to. There’s no way she will be able to stay with him
and know he is going to have a child with someone else.
I
know Samantha and what she is capable of, thinking back to the times she forced
us to leave a department store just because she spotted a pregnant woman in it.
She will not be able to deal with my pregnancy and I am convinced that my baby
with Zack will destroy them in the end.
She’s
a liar. A scheming and duplicitous woman who envied what I had and took it for
herself. She went on to try and deceive my mum, making up terrible stories
about the man I thought to be my uncle and has now turned out to be my real father.
I’ve hardly even had time to digest that information and know it’s going to
take me a long time to process everything I found out today. I’ve always been
the favourite, the beautiful sister and the one who own success. She’s used to
living in my shadow, fading into the background and being the girl the rest of
the world ignores. This used to make me feel sorry for her but now, all I desire
is revenge.
And
you know what they say… revenge is a dish best served cold.
Chapter Twenty-one
Samantha
Five
months.
That’s
how long it’s been since I last saw Zack and Rachel. Five months since I walked
out of that house with the knowledge that it was probably the last time I would
see my sister. However, I had no idea it would the last time I saw
him
.
My
life has changed dramatically since that day. I now live in a new apartment, in
a new town, I no longer have my job and I no longer have Zack. Making the
decisions that I have has not been easy for me and I second-guess the choices I
have made every single day, wondering if they were the right ones.
Today
is Halloween and I’ve just got back from another intense session with my new
therapist. Today I told her about Zack. Well, as much as I could tell her in
the space of forty-five minutes. The Cognitive Behavioural Therapy I started a
couple of months ago was a success in some aspects but not in others. My
therapist helped me to realise that the CBT would help with my health anxiety,
which I now realise was simply a product of all of the anxiety I was carrying
within me. She also explained that CBT was probably not the right type of
therapy for me if I wanted to address and understand the underlying emotional
issues that were still troubling me and keeping me awake at night.
She
referred me for Compassion Focused Therapy which is pretty self-explanatory.
This type of therapy deals with compassion, understanding what it is and then
it helps you to apply it to yourself. It made a lot of sense when she first
explained it to me and it has really helped me to deal with the guilt and the
negative feelings of self-loathing I have had to contend with my entire life.
My new therapist has been working with me so she can help me understand how my
core beliefs I hold about myself have continued to affect the things that I do
and the choices I have made.
An
individual’s core beliefs are formed during their childhood and seeing as my
own childhood was tarnished by the despicable things that my uncle did to me…
its almost understandable why I think so poorly about myself. I’ve still only
had four sessions with her and each of them have been emotionally draining,
physically exhausting and tough to take. I understand that this is how therapy
works, it has to open up the wounds which you are reluctant to address. It has
to do this in order for you to heal or at least begin the healing process.
I’ve
just let myself into my new apartment and switch on the TV, disliking the
silence that comes with it being switched off. I make my way into my small
kitchen and grab a bowl, emptying the large bag of sweets I bought earlier for
any trick or treaters that might come knocking. I saw a few of them on my way
home from the surgery where I go for my CFT and knew that I best hurry back in
case they decide to call.
I
also send a quick text to Audrey, confirming the time and place we’ve arranged
to meet for tomorrow. We stay in touch as often as we can, choosing to talk on
the phone and text when we can’t meet in person. She’s been such an incredible
friend to me over the past few months, I owe her a lot and will never forget or
overlook the loyalty that she has shown me.
She’s
the one who helped me find my new apartment and sorted out the lease for me on
the one I left. I didn’t want to hang around any longer than I had to after
that day and knew I had to leave it all behind me if I wanted any chance of a
fresh start. She also understood why I had to quit my job at the nursery,
unable to go back there after everything that happened. I always knew that
working there wasn’t what I was destined to do but still felt bad about leaving
so suddenly, especially when Audrey had been so understanding about me taking
time off work when I first fled to her house for two weeks.
When
I left Zack and Rachel that Sunday afternoon five months ago, I had no
intention of leaving everything behind me for good. However, it was during my
journey back to my old apartment that I realised what I had to do. I had
originally planned to do what Zack had instructed. I thought I would simply go
back to my apartment so I could gather some of my things and we would take off
as soon as he had finished speaking to Rachel. I had even started to believe that
the best thing for us was to take some time out like Zack had suggested,
craving peace and quiet as well as some alone time with him so we could figure
things out.
However,
it was during my journey back there that I realised the only solution was
staring me in the face. I knew that Zack would never be happy being a part time
dad to his baby. I knew that I would never be content with him being the father
to my sister’s baby and I also knew that Rachel would not be able to have a
peaceful and stress-free pregnancy if Zack and I were together.
It
was only when I started to look at the situation objectively that I realised
what had to be done. I was the common denominator, therefore I was the only one
who could be expected to do the selfless thing and leave.
I
raced back to my apartment that day, packed as much of my things as I could and
fled back to Audrey’s. I begged her to help me get away before Zack turned up and
convinced me to stay. She was severely against my decision to go but in the end
I managed to persuade her and she helped me. I went back the house I first
stayed at that belonged to her and thanked God for the fact that I had never
told anyone where it was situated. I only told Rachel via text that I had gone
away for a few days and she never did find out where I really went.
I
only stayed there for a few weeks whilst Audrey helped me to find a new
apartment. I knew I didn’t want to live too far away but far enough to know
that I wouldn’t bump into anyone from my past.
Thank
goodness for the money my father left me in his will or I wouldn’t have been
able to support myself financially without taking on a new job right away. I
also had to change my number, certain that Zack would not rest until he managed
to track me down and speak to me in person. I still try my hardest to avoid
thinking about it and how tormented he must have been when it finally dawned on
him that I wasn’t coming back.
I
did eventually decide to pass my new number onto Jason, convinced that the last
thing he was going to do is pass my details onto Zack. My friend was disgusted
with me when he found out what had been going on and it’s only recently that
our friendship has started to resemble what it once was.
It
was during my third month in my new apartment that Jason finally told me the
truth about what happened after I left. He said that Zack had turned up at my
old apartment every single night for the first couple of months, hammering on
my front door and calling my name before he started slipping several letters he
must have wrote for me underneath my door. I suppose he hoped I might go back
there and find them or something. He even pestered Jason a few times, venturing
across the hall to his apartment and demanded that he tell him where I was.
I
asked Audrey to secretly retrieve his letters for me. She still had access to
my apartment whilst she was sorting out the lease for me and promised that she
still had every single one of Zack’s letters.
Jason
also gave me some devastating news during my third month here. He revealed that
Zack and Rachel were officially an item again, deciding to raise the baby
together as a couple. He said the wedding did not go ahead but they did in fact
move back down to London about four weeks ago.
I’ve
managed to figure out that Rachel must be five or six months pregnant by now.
She probably knows the sex of the baby already and has no doubt bought her baby
boy or girl their blue or pink clothing by this time. I left in May and she
must have been four weeks pregnant by then, even though the baby would have
only been conceived two weeks before she found out and told me. I still can’t
imagine her with a baby bump but know that regardless of how far along she is,
she will still be astonishingly beautiful.
When
I first found out that they were together again, I broke down. I wept for days
and refused to leave the house, crying into my pillow every single night. My
jealousy and fury knew no limits and I started to worry that my supressed anger
would continue to eat away at me until there was nothing left.
I
didn’t speak about it to anyone, not even to my therapist for the longest time.
The scars I carried with me were still raw and I knew that talking about it
would only make it worse. I chose to conceal everything instead, refusing to
even discuss it with Audrey who has now become my dearest and only friend. No
doubt the rest of my family knows what happened between me and Zack by now,
believing my mother’s distorted lies over the actual truth. A truth which I
will never have my opportunity to tell.
My
brother is the only one I’m concerned about and if I’m being honest with
myself, I have considered writing to him on numerous occasions. Nevertheless, I
always decide against it and choose anonymity instead. I quite like being
non-existent. Deciding to stay invisible and accepting that my presence will
now remain undiscovered.
Zack
continues to enter into my dreams each night. Sometimes he’s walking beside me
by the lake where he first took me all those months ago, the night he wanted to
talk to me alone. Sometimes my dreams are more like nightmares, I dream that I
spot him and Rachel in the distance, walking hand in hand. He stops and strokes
her stomach, affectionately talking to the unborn baby inside of her. I’ve even
dreamt that he spots me in the street. He observes me for a few moments before
he shrugs and carries on walking, completely unaffected by my presence. Those
nightmares are the worst of all and I often wake up crying, fighting for breath
as I realise that my tears have soaked my pillow once again.
I
have no right to be angry with him but I cannot help the jealous fury that
courses through my veins every time I picture them together. How could he do
it? How could he say everything that he did to me and still go back to her? I
don’t understand it and have come to accept that I probably never will. I
recognise that they’re going to have a child together and I’m also thankful
that he has decided to stand by her and help my sister raise her baby. I always
knew that he would do the right thing but still can’t comprehend why they needed
to enter into a relationship with one another for this to happen.
Maybe
he was in love with her all along. I could have been a gratifying distraction
for him during the months leading up to his wedding and nothing more. I have
come to realise that I will never know the truth and can only focus on putting
the fragile pieces of my life back together again. I embrace the days I mourn
Zack and value the nights I manage to sleep a whole four hours without him
entering my thoughts. That’s the longest amount of sleep I’ve somehow obtained
without being woken by the memory of him.
With
my steaming cup of coffee in my hand, I make my way back into the living room,
flicking through the TV channels until I can find something suitable to watch.
Today is Friday and the Autumnal months are drawing in fast, reminding me of
all the dark nights that Rachel and I used to curl up on the sofa together when
we were young.
I
miss her terribly but know I have no right to feel this way. I said goodbye to
every one of my rights as her sister when I chose to betray her like I did. I
will carry the weight of my actions for the rest of my life and understand that
I am beneath her contempt, hatred and even disgust.
My
attention is drawn to the front door when I hear a knock on it. I jump up and
race back into the kitchen, grabbing the bowl of sweets I’ve already prepared
for the children who are trick or treating. I wonder what costumes I’m going to
be faced with, whether they will be dressed as pumpkins, fairies or something
terrifying.
“Hi,
guys!” I say, greeting them with enthusiasm as I open the door with a warm
smile on my face.
God.
No.
It
can’t be…
Zack.
Standing
outside my front door with a bemused expression on his face.
“Trick
or treat.” He says drily, glancing down at the bowl I am holding before lifting
his gaze back to my astonished face.
“Zack?”
I whisper in disbelief, utterly unable to comprehend the sight of him before
me.
“Yeah,
it’s really me.” He replies scornfully, allowing his eyes to roam the entire
length of my body. “Aren’t you going to invite me in?”
“H-how
did you find me?”
“Private
investigator. It took me five months but he managed to track you down in the
end.”
I
gape at him in absolute amazement and incredulity, wanting to pinch my arm or
something to prove to myself that I really aren’t dreaming. I’m so accustomed
to these encounters with him but always wake up to find that they were all
fictitious, a consequences of my own messed up imagination.
“Come
in.” I tell him, clearing my throat in an attempt to gain control over my
voice.
“Thanks.”
He retorts sourly, brushing against my body as he enters my small apartment.
I
observe him as he takes in his new surroundings, absorbing every little detail
inside my new home. The décor is modest but I chose it myself and I’m proud of
my humble little abode where I now live.