Doubt (The Connected Series Book 1) (18 page)

“I know that right now, you’re hard in your suit trousers and can’t picture anything other than exactly that…” I kiss him again then pull back, looking into his hooded eyes then flicking my gaze to his trousers, smiling when I see the telltale signs of his straining erection. 

“I’m right, I see…”

I look back up to meet his eyes. Pulling my head to his he kisses me, not softly like before, hard, passionately. Heat and need flood me and I fist my hands in his hair, forgetting where we are.

“I want you.” he pants against my lips, “Let’s go.”

He summons a waiter and pays the bill. Grasping my hand he leads me to the reception before reaching into his pocket for his keys. He takes my elbow, leading me out the door and into the night. 

“Did you drive?” he asks, pulling me into his side. 

“No, I got a taxi, I knew I would be drinking.” He smiles, and nods his head to a black
Bentley Continental GT
on the opposite side of the street.

“I’m over there.” As he goes to step into the road, my mind suddenly clears a little and I pull him back.

“Wait, Doug.” he looks at me, desire in his eyes.

“I can’t.”  I grab his tie, pulling him to me so I could kiss him, desire, need, want all spilling out of me and into this kiss.

“Don’t go home tonight.” he murmurs against my lips, “Stay with me.”

“Doug, I can’t, not tonight.” It kills me to tell him no, but this is our first official date and I’m not about to sleep with him. I’m not
that
girl. 

“Stay the night, it doesn’t have to mean sex, I’m just not ready to say goodbye to you yet.” He presses his forehead to mine, letting out a shaky breath.

“I don’t want to either, but this isn’t how this is going to be Doug, we’re doing this properly, slowly.” he closes his eyes, breathing deeply. 

“I have to go.” I press my lips to his, savouring the feeling. “I’ll speak to you tomorrow.”

And so I left him. Standing there alone. I jumped into a taxi and headed home. I could feel his lips on mine the whole ride there. I could feel the heat of his pushed up against me. I can almost feel it now. I hug myself, trying to keep all the broken pieces of my together. I need to work this out and fast. I need to be whole again, even if that means life without Doug.

The thought causes physical pain and I fold in on myself, making myself as small as I can. In the hope that is will ease the pain. It doesn’t. I fall asleep where I am, on the cold floor, and wake up much the same way. Aching from laying on the hard floor for so long, I get up and head to my bedroom. Climbing under the covers, I fall into a fitful sleep, filled with memories of Doug. 

Chapter Seventeen

The weeks go by in a blur. Doug continues to send me gifts, but he doesn’t call. He doesn’t text. One morning at work, a delivery guy brings me a box full of
Cornish Fairings
. The note that comes with it reads:

 
Because they remind you of your family. And because they remind me of you. And you always tell me, nothing beats tea and Fairings. Doug X
 

After bursting into tears in the bathroom, I have to fein illness and go home. And that is pretty much where I have been for the last three days.I am becoming a zombie. I don’t really sleep. Doug must know I am at the flat because the presents start arriving there. First, a beautiful bottle of
Jo Malone
Orange Blossom bath oil with a note that reads:

I love nothing more than seeing you relaxed and in my bathtub. I hope you will use this at mine one day soon. My tub is lonely without you too. Doug X
 

Which is shortly followed by a box full of paperbacks he knew I wanted to read 

I
’
m
lonely so I guess you are too. I hope these will keep you company until I can, Doug X

Miley keeps phoning me, trying to get me to phone Doug, to get this sorted. But its no good. Deciding I need some fresh air, I put on my coat and go for a walk. I don’t know how long I’ve been walking, but when I look up, I look up and into the face of the most cherubic face; a little blonde angel, wrapped up in a wooly hat and gloves running towards me laughing, being chased by her dad.

“Daddy, you never catch me!”

The little girl is running as fast as her legs can possibly take her and looking back at her daddy with the biggest smile on her face, I have to jump to the side so we don’t collide. With a squeal, she runs past me, closely followed by her dad.

“I’m sorry, she is a little over excited.” He smiles as he too runs past.

I can’t help but smile, the delight on the little girls face is contagious. I’m standing in the middle of the path, and I realise tears are falling down my face and I can’t stop them. It suddenly hits me. I’m being selfish. Doug didn’t
ask
for this to happen, he didn’t ask
not
to be told he was going to be a father, not only not to be told, but to be
lied
to. And Abigail certainly didn’t ask to be conceived and raised the way she has been. Not knowing her father, and now, not having a mother. She is a helpless, innocent little girl and she needs and deserves to have her father in her life, she deserves what that little girl has.

Deep down, I know my worries are more about how I am going to deal with this. I worry if I will be able to love another woman’s child. Will I be a good step-mother to Doug’s daughter? And the biggest heartbreak is knowing, I won’t be person to give Doug his first child and the pain I feel every time I think of that, is so great I can feel it inside of me, inside of my heart. Sometimes life isn’t what you think it will be. Sometimes, we have to take a different path than we thought we would, but it doesn’t mean it can’t be what you want it to be. The pain of the last few weeks has been all consuming, but Doug has never left my mind. Surely that means something. I know it does. I love Doug beyond measure, he was, is, my happy ever after and I owe it to him to stand by him through this, help him, love him. He was who I was supposed to spend my life with

There were so many things that were uncertain, but through all the uncertainty, there was one thing I was sure of,
he was it for me
. I know how selfish I have been, blocking him out, refusing to even talk to him and I regret my decision more than I regret anything. But when you are faced with something so huge, you don’t think clearly and you don’t make rational decisions. I hope he will understand that and that he still wants to be with me as much as I know, and have always known, I want to be with him.

Wiping away the tears, I pull out my phone. Taking a deep breath I swipe my finger along the bottom of the screen unlocking it. The brush my fingers over the photo that is my background, Doug and I are smiling at the camera, his arms are wrapped around me from behind and the lights from the Christmas tree behind us are giving a golden glow. I press the phone symbol at the bottom of the screen and press Doug’s name. The call connects and I hold my breath. It rings, once.. twice and then he picks up.

“Sophie?” he whispers.

“Doug.” is all I can manage to say. I hear him suck in a breath.

“Oh god Sophie, I’ve missed you so much.”

“I know… I’ve missed you.”

“You have?” he sounds surprised. 

“Of course I have. Doug.....” my voice trails off.“I need to see you.” 

“Just tell me when and where, I’ll be there.”

I tell him to meet me in the
Starbucks
at Jubilee Place in an hour. Before I put the phone down, he breathes into my ear. 

“You wont ever know how much I have missed you.” tears well up in my eyes 

“I think I have an idea... See you in an hour Doug.” 

***

I arrive before Doug and get a table by the window so I can see him come in. After waiting a few minutes, I see him, he looks terrible, yet still gorgeous. I feel a wave of guilt rushes over me, I’m the cause of his pain. He spots me straight away and walks over to me. He is dressed in his black wool coat. He looks so breathtakingly beautiful, my heart rate picks up and my mouth goes dry. He reaches me and I go to get up. I stand before him, not sure how I should act after all this time. He decides for me, reaching out and pulling me to him, holding the back of my head to his chest, and placing a long, sweet kiss to the top of my head. He is trembling.

“I’m sorry, I’m so very sorry.”

He kisses the top of my head again and pulls me a little closer to him. There is nothing sexual about this embrace, this is pure comfort. For both of us. After what feel likes hours, he pulls away, looking into my eyes. His pained expression overwhelms me and I can feel my heart breaking a little more, I didn’t even think that was possible. He raises his hand and sweeps his thumbs under my eyes, capturing the tears I didn’t even realise were falling.

“What can I get you?” he gives me a watery eyed smile.

“A latte... “ I’m cut off when he says, smiling.

“Caramel?” I nod silently, he knows me so well. I sit back down and watch as he goes to order. He oozes confidence, so comfortable. He comes over and removing his coat, takes a seat.

“They’ll bring them over.” He places his jacket on the spare chair and crosses his ankle over his knee, sitting back. He is trying to look calm, relaxed, but the crease at his eyes and the frown tell me he is far from either. 

“Thank you for coming to see me, I know you must be busy.” I say, eyes down.

“Sophie.. “ he reaches forward lifting my chin to meet his eyes, “I would have come
whatever
the time,
whatever
I was doing.
Nothing
is more important than this.” His thumb rubs back and forth on my chin, sending a shiver up my spine. He removes his hand and places it on the table.

“How have you been?” he asks, face filled with concern. 

“I’ve been... well...” I meet his sad eyes with mine.

“Me too.” 

The tension sizzles between us, maybe this was a mistake, and we are never going to be able to get back to where we were. Our coffees arrive then, breaking the silence, we thank the guy and take a sip. Doug is the first one to speak. 

“I’ve had a lot of time to think, I know how much I hurt you Sophie. I just..... “ 

“I know. You’ve made that
more
than clear to me. The letter, the gifts... Thank you, I read every text, I listened to every voicemail. I read every note. I just needed….
time
.
Doug, this whole thing has been such a shock.” I take another sip of coffee, the warmth soothing me.

“When we were out to lunch and I saw
that
photo, so many things ran through my head. I had no idea anything was going on, you hid it all from me, I don’t understand why you didn’t just tell me, am I that hard to talk to?” His frowns and with an agonised voice begins to talk.

“No Sophie, don’t ever think that. It was my problem,” He shifts uncomfortably in his chair, I watch as he rubs his face with one perfect hand which is shaking, “I swear to you Sophie, I wish I had told you sooner, but you have to believe me, I didn’t know how to deal with it,” he rubs his eyes “I still don’t really.” His chin trembles.

“What do you mean, you don’t know how to
deal
with it? You’ve got a daughter, you’re a dad, you have to be there for her.” He gasps, eyes meeting mine.

“Of course I will be there for her, but...” 

“I’ve had time to think too, Doug, and how
I
reacted. It was the shock,” I twist a napkin in my hands, “But being away from these past few weeks... has been heartbreaking.” I take a shaky breath and look up into his blue eyes.

“While I was out walking earlier, I saw the most beautiful little girl, Doug. She was so happy running around with her dad. She made me think of
your
daughter, and how she needs
you
.” 

“This doesn’t..” Doug starts to cut in. I hold my hand up, stopping him.

“Let me finish. She
needs
a dad, Doug, she
needs
someone to love her. She has lost her mother and she didn’t
ask
for any of this.” I take a sip of my coffee, hoping it will give me the strength I need to keep talking. Doug reaches over and takes my hand in his.

“The time away from you, It made me realise, I love you more than I love anyone. I need you more than I have ever needed anyone in my life.” His eyes widen at my declaration. I squeeze his hand.

“
You
’
re
who I’m supposed to be with. I love
you
. You’re it for me.” I shrug my shoulders and smile at him. 

He gets out of his chair and comes to kneel beside me, holding my face between his hands, he looks into my eyes.

“You’re incredible you know that?” He leans in, pressing his lips to mine, “I wasn’t expecting that...” I smile back at him.

“What was you expecting?” I laugh “Please get up off the floor...” I tug at his hands, trying to pull him off his feet. He stands and pulls his chair closer to mine, never taking his eyes off mine.